Please help! I've been married for 7 years, and i truly love my husband, but for the past 4 years my sex drive has been on the decline. Now, if I have sex with him 1 time within a 2 week period I feel like i've done him a favor. I'm tired all the time, and by the end of the day after dealing with 3 children of our own, and I watch 2 more, I don't want to be touched. I don't know what is happening to me. And of course he's getting frustated, and he tells me this hoping that it will trigger something off in me to have more "relations" with him so to speak, but to me it's like 'Oh well,' and I hate this about myself, but I can't help it. I mean it's almost getting to the point with me that if we had separate bedrooms, it wouldn't bother me at all. But like I said, I love him! There is no other man in this world that I want, or desire other than my husband, but it stops there. What's wrong with me? If there is any other married women that is or has experience this, please let me know, and or give me advice. thanx

Hi JRA,<BR> I completely understand but have never been effected to the extreme you described. Being a mom is exhausting work and its really not that unusual for you to be totally drained of your energy by the end of the day. I know I am!! I wish I had some specific advise to offer, but I don't. I have tried to keep somewhat of a schedule of keeping my H satisfied. During the week its more for him than me, but we make up for it on the weekends. I would suggest making yourself go to bed as early as possible on a regular basis and one night a week you would hopefully have more energy for your husband. Its hard to feel sexual when all you want to do is sleep. Good luck!!

I am a man who has been married for 7 years and I have similar problems. I have a great fear of failure when making love with my wife that the last two times I just had nothing, I felt completely out of it and I was. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to talk about her birth control (what for? she says and I tend to agree when we don't even try to have sex but once every one or two months.) We used to have great spontaneous sex before our daughter was born. I have always had a confidence problem regarding erection, but we would laugh it off. When we stopped making love during the last 5 months of her pregnancy and then two months after her C-section, it took all spontaneity and naturalness out of our sex life. We have had moments since then and I have thought things were better at times, but we keep slipping back. I have no confidence in my sexual performance and I know my wife has no confidence in herself sexually. I don't if anyone else has survived such a time. I feel real love for her, she makes me the happiest man in the world when I see her smile, hear her laugh, I am just so scared to fail again when trying to make love! <P>

Dear JRAA31,<P>I know exactly how you feel. My sex drive has never been as strong as my H's and it's pretty much always been a frustration to him. As well, I was a virgin when I married him and he wasn't. He has always said that he thinks if I had had more "experience" it wouldn't have been a problem. My response to that was..."if you had been more patient and loving, you might have guided me into the fine art of lovemaking." Of course, he didn't want to hear that...just wanted to "blame" me for not meeting his needs.<P>I don't have kids, but I do have a physical need for a certain amount of sleep....seriously...if I don't get good sleep, I get really bad migraine headaches. Anyway, he didn't believe me and always wanted sex in the middle of the night...wouldn't compromise. We ended up going for months without sex. Not what he wanted for sure, and not really what I wanted. I WANTED to want it....just didn't feel it. And I felt really bad for not getting "with it" in our marriage in that area.<P>So regardless of the particulars, I can relate. I felt the same way about separate bedrooms. And I truely loved my H more that anything in the world.<P>So having said all that, let me say this....if sex is one of your husband's most important needs, you MUST figure out how to meet it. I don't say this as any type of religious rule or any rule of any kind. I say this from my own experience. While there may have been other things doing downhill in our marriage, the sex thing was a BIGGIE for my H. I didn't know it then...I didn't get it. But I see it now....now that he's gone.<P>Looking back, I don't know what I'd do differently, but meeting each other's most important needs is what will keep the marriage together....I see that now. Have you spoken to your doctor? Maybe there is something that could help your libido. <P>I think it would be real important to figure out why...is it just that you are tired all the time? If that's it, think very creatively how to get more rest or reschedule yourself to get more rest/sleep. <P>Maybe your husband isn't like mine. Maybe he won't get so frustrated that he'll look for someone else. I hope that's the case. But please take this seriously. I'm not saying it to scare you. I just would hate for anyone to feel like I did about it all. <P>I hope you can get it worked out. Maybe getting "on a schedule" a couple times a week would actually work into being more spontaneous and free-flowing. I pray it will.<P>Pancho, I can relate to you too.....my lack of desire and my husband's "blaming" me for our bad sex life, has really taken a blow on me. I have absolutely no confidence in my self as a sexual person. Pretty horrible feeling that way in top of being abandoned and cheated on. <P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O'<BR>

hello JRAA31,<P>I understand your problem completely. I too have 3 children. After taking care of the kids all day and doing the run around youare very physically and emotionally tired. Sometimes by about 4:00 in the afternoon, I would be wiped out. At that point you don't want to do anything but sleep or vegitate. Unfortunatley our husbands get caught in the middle of all of that. Men are so physical in nature anyway that they don't wuite get not having a desire to have sex. I once told my husband that if we never had sex I would be fine. He wasn't real thrilled with that. I loved him but just couldn't seem to be in the mood - ever. I don't know how old you are but this was all before i hit my prime. Here are several suggestions that should help. <BR>1. try to get to bed earlier at night.<BR>2. start an excercise program. this will give you more energy.<BR>3.dress up in something sexy and initiate even if your are not that excited about it. do something nice for him.<BR>4.try for 2 times per week. you may feel that you start to like it. don't refuse him. it doesn't have to be a marathon session for you to show him that you love him.<BR>5.see a therapist or your physician. its possible you should just eat better, excercise, takes some vitamins and get a regular sleep schedule.<P>A combination of these worked for me and my husband is feeling much more satisfied and I am enjoying more now.<P>cleo

Thanks, Mrs.O', for your words of encouragement after going through such a bad time. Our prayers are with you that you may find someone who deserves you.<BR>Amazingly, something clicked in us last night. Honestly, it has been five years since we felt the kind of closeness as we did last night. What helped was to lay together, clothes on, kissing and holding and rolling around and we actually made love with our clothes on. It was the first step of what I know will be a long road, but it gives us a lot of hope.<BR>I think just the fact of this Marriage Builders website gave me a little of the push, or us the push we needed. Thank you to everyone involved here. I'll keep you updated.<BR>