OK so I thought you know I have been doing great all week - I hadn't talked to my exhusband all week and for the first time since my world came crashing down on 10-12-01 so almost a year - I actually didn't care - So tonite he calls and tells me he has a new cell number and gives it to me - then proceeds to tell me everything that has happened in his life for the week - and about work etc.. I kind of listened - I didn't comment much but I wasn't rude either - then after I hung up I started like freaking out - because he said that he didn't go to work on Tuesday so my mind goes into overdrive thinking - oh my god he was with the lady next door - and I know we are recently divorced since 9-18 and it shouldn't matter to me - but I still am not sure if he is still with her or not - and it drives me nuts - so my youngest daughter is like Mom why do you talk to him??? And my sister says you know you weren't doing good all week - you just were not talking to him - so she thinks that I should just tell him I can't talk here are the kids - !! And you know I should - I really should - but you know why can't I do it ?? I am trying my darndest to let go - I don't want him really I mean I love him but I would never take him back now - because I don't know who he is - and he is so selfish and screwed up - But why do I still care if he is with someone else...... How long does it take for that feeling to go away - we were together for 19yrs.... I mean I still feel ok - but I can feel myself slipping back into self pity... * oh and a note my youngest who is 9 told me that I should have gone back to my old name because I wasn't married anymore - then she said that we should have changed her and her sisters to - and I said I don't think Dad would have liked that - and she said well you are in charge we are your kids now??? - OK so that is my 9 yr. old's take on the situation - and I know he has lost out big time... So why do I care what he does and who he does it with??? When will those feelings of jealousy(Iguess) go away???

Dear maw64,

It's Gloria again, some people need more time to settle down the feeling. Try to give yourself a time limit....when you should stop to feel sorry yourself.

As I told you, I know my husband is living together with the O/W for sure. But what can I do? Nothing at all. This is the fact, you have to protect yourself.

Also,your children need your support.

Hang on there, I will pray for you and your children.

Best regards,
Gloria

Dear Maw64,
I know the feelings...I am in the same boat. I do fine with my life, work, the kids, etc.....but now he is into calling the kids again after 1 1/2 years of not doing that--and it has got me so upset. I hate it. He is buying the kids back. It makes me sick.

I wish I could just blot out our marriage--like he has done. He is so cold and distant to me--and then acts all warm and loving with the kids. He has adopted his whore's southern drawl--It is so sickening to hear. Yuck!

Oh well...I hate that he can still get me upset after everything he has already done. I hate it!!

<small>[ November 07, 2002, 11:08 PM: Message edited by: miserynmissouri ]</small>

maw64,

I wanted to let you know I empathize with you! Also, I agree with your kids: DO NOT TALK TO HIM OR LISTEN TO HIM. Period. You are under NO obligation to do so, and you know it makes you crazy (as it would me!) so PROTECT yourself. Tell him you aren't interested in hearing about his life anymore,. whatever works for you, but to let him continue to control you that way is disaster! You Owe Him Nothing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Take care of yourself, however you have to, whatever it takes. Read up on boundaries; I know there are lots of good books out there. It really will help preserve your sanity if you learn to take control. Other than business issues/kid-related issues, he has no right to infringe on your privacy. Be strong. Roar if you have to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yep....a Plan B is in order here....read up on it maw, and protect yourself.

By the way, because my stbx is overseas, the only means of communication is the telephone or email. So I do not answer the phone at certain times of the day, and if my kids are here they pick up. If it is someone other than stbx, they can leave a message or call back. But since I do not have caller ID, this is the way I handle it.

As for emails, I can choose to answer or not, and when I do I get to choose my words carefully. It is much safer for me that way.

It works great for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Love and light,

Jacky

hi MAW
I haven't posted to you in a while, but I've been following your story. I agree with Nina...read up on Plan B, and do it. This will hopefully help you get some closure to the wounds that keep opening every time he calls. Plan B will allow you to mentally and emotionally separate from him. We all know that you didn't want the D. You certainly have my admiration, dealing with OW living next door. You are a stronger woman than you realize!

Hi Maw,
I think the "letting go" is the hardest thing of all. I was divorced September 25, 2001. It took a long time for me. But once I really let go, there was this peace about me. I did alot of praying, which really helped.

I would not EVER want to be in that kind of marriage again, i am way too good for that kind of treatment, and i realize that now. I was together with my ex for almost 12 years, and most of those years to me, seemed like such a waste, and not a healthy situation for my boys at all.

By the way, I did take my maiden name back, even though i have my two boys. Don't think my ex was too happy about it, for the longest time, if he had to write a check to me for something, he would never write my last name on it. Just my first name.

I will NEVER, EVER marry again, so i figured, i was going to die with the same name i was born with. Kind of marks part of the "new independent me" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SO, things do get better, give yourself some time.

Gloriachu - Thank you - You are right there is nothing that I can do about it either way - I just need to accept that - I am not sure why I got in this mood - other than it really bites talking to him and his life is so wonderful and I am a bundle of stress - well thanks again for the prays and I will think about a time limit..

Misery - I also know how hard it has been for you and basially it just bites - no ifs ands or butts about - it - The southern drawl would freak me also - and I like you hate the fact that he can still upset me - even when he is acting happy - my sister is always telling me how much abuse can one person handle until you don't like him ??? Good question - it is not even that I like him - I guess it is just I cannot believe what he has done to me and my kids and our life together - as you have a hard time with also... I am somewhat glad in some sick way that I am not in this boat alone - but I am sick of a sinking ship - I want to be happy and not care and let him feel some misery - Hey what happened to that guy you were dating??

Natasha - thank you - I have told him not to come in the house - not to call - not to talk to me - etc... I have actually sometimes begged - and it works for a few days then he is right back talking to me or walking in the house - I know alot of it is my fault because sometimes I tend to freak if I don't talk to him - so I know alot of my pain is self inflicted - but I have been trying - I just get overwhelmed I guess - with now being in charge of everything and him living his great single life... I just may roar today because I am in a mood.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks for your permission....

Nina - thanks for your advice - he doesn't email me - and he will call me at work - and if the kids answer he will talk to them and say let me talk to your Mom - it is just so hard sometimes to hear him and know that he doesn't give a crap about me anymore and he wants someone else... I am going to try and protect myself more - I do know that he is the most selfish person I have ever met and that I am not very selfish but I need to start trying to be... Thanks again...

Avondale - well thank you for your admiration - I put up a big fence right down the middle but looking over there is sometimes very hard - I need to do Plan B - it actually amazes me that my nine year old has a clearer view of the whole entire situation... and accepts it much better than me at times... Like they say out of the mouths of babes... Thanks again..

Mom of 4 kids - thanks for the hope - I am looking for that inner peace - some days I think I have got it then I am right back to feeling like crap... But I know that it will happen - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - as for my name it really isn't a big deal to me because I just thought it would be easier - but I hope to someday get married again - not anytime soon but sometime - I mean I am only 37 - congratulations on the new independent you...

maw64,

May I suggest something? Rather than just telling him not to phone, etc., DON'T PUT UP WITH IT ANYMORE! ie. next time he asks to speak to you, ask if it's kid/buisness related; if he says no, say goodbye politely and hang up. REALLY. HANG UP! I think(?) I understand that you are incredibly torn: probably half of you wants no contact, and the other half is so curious and hopeful that maybe THIS time it will be different...maybe he'll finally see how good you are, how you're always there for him,etc....Am I right? Because I know that's how I could easily be. But it will COST YOU YOUR SOUL in the end if you continue this way. If and when he finally comes out of the fog, and wants a relationship with you again, HE'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO. He's a big boy. Until then, protect yourself.

Seems to me as long as he knows he has you at his beck and call he's got the best of both worlds, thus NO incentive to change. He's not your concern anymore, so tell him that in no uncertain terms, and then STICK TO IT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I understand totally all your feelings and frustrations about his new life, leaving you behind like so much worn-out baggage, feeling so hopeless, etc. It's cruel and inhumane treatment of our fellow human beings. BUT, it doesn't mean we're not good people; if anything it just reflects on their 'lack' of moral character. I've been fighting ALL those same feelings AGAIN myself the past few weeks. And, I know for a fact it is not all as rosy in 'Adulterousland' as they might like you to think. So don't buy into this idea that everything is going hunky-dory for him. It's not. That just isn't life. Keep up the good work, and do something nice for yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

MAW64:

Sooo sorry to see you in such anguish and pain. 19 years together is certainly a long time and letting go of memories and feelings are not easy.

But you should try and take stock: you have some choices to make now. Should you allow your X to walk into your life whenever he chooses and re-open the hurt and the emotional wounds or should you decide to move forward by doing things that make you happy? This is a choice that only you can make. If I were to make a suggestion, I would recommend the latter course of action. There have been many on this thread that have offered you excellent suggestions, but at the end of the day you owe it to yourself and your children to liberate yourself emotionally and move forward. If you are happy, your children will also be happy. You can still practice MB principles (Plan B, for example) but you may have to set some ground rules with respect to your X.

Stay strong and take a decision about your future and share it with us if you feel up to it. We, on this board, will help support you in your endeavors. Best of luck and keep posting. (Hope I haven't offended you by being rather direct...).

We now have a lot in common... well, more than we did a couple of weeks ago! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> And you know what was popping up in my head while reading this thread? It's a broken record scenerio. Where the same 'song and dance' is being played over and over and over again.

This is part of the insanity that we put ourselves through. We keep on doing those same actions over and over again. And when they don't work, we wonder why. That's where the change has to take place. And you my dear maw, are the lucky one who gets to take charge and do it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am actually looking forward to not being in the same house as my H. I've noticed that I've been doing pretty good all day, and even when H comes home for lunch. But come evening, and the boys have been put to bed, I'm tired, cranky, and all too easily getting into the R talk with him. I know better than that! And yet I still do it!!! And all it does is make me madder and madder ---> OH! And don't forget INSANE!!!

The name change issue was a complicated one for me when H and I were first separated. The twins were born during that time, and I did NOT want to give H the HONOUR of sharing the same last name as them, so I hyphenated our surnames (although we were married 5 yrs ago, I never got around to changing my surname...so all of my i.d. still has my maiden name on it). Now, it's just the 3 1/2 yr old who has the non-hyphenated surname (although my maiden name is his 2nd middle name... so it's all there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). It's almost funny... the 3 1/2 yr old doesn't really exist yet, as I never got around to registering his birth. So I started the papers today. And that means I can make his last name hyphenated... and I don't have to talk to H about it!!! WOOHOO!!!

If your dd talks about changing her name again, ask her if she's serious about it. It's not that difficult a process here in Canada, as long as the person is under 12 yrs old. Just a simple 2 page form to fill out, and approved by a guarantor. You might want to look into it - especially if you're going back to your maiden name too.

Karen

Nastasha - you are oh so right about the feelings - And the half of me that wants to tell him to get lost is sorta moving to 3/4 and I want the rest join suit - Last night he came here to pick up my oldest and I lost it - he was talking about dating some girl named Katie and I flipped out but at least for once I got angry - and I told him in no uncertain terms - that I did not want him in my house, I did not want to talk to him and I want all of his stuff out today or Iwas throwing it outside - now it is 2 and did he come and get his stuff not yet - well tomorrow is the deadline - I promise - and you are right about my soul - it is like I take one step forward and thirty steps backwards and I can only take so much - at this womans group they told me divorce was a way a life not a word - well I have the word now I need to work on the the way of life - thank you so much for your concern.....

Logically Irrational - I am not offended in the least I know I need it spoken to me straight because I need to do this for sure - but it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life...And I am working on it day by day and hoping that someday I get it right ---

Topie - I am sorry we now have a lot in common because it is not an easy ride... My husband would never go for the name change and I don't really think she wants it but - she was just making a point that she was mine now because Dad left... So sad... I will write more later gotta go now... Thank you again for everyones thoughts... and for caring...