Would like any and all input on how to handle this situation.

ExH wants new wife - and former OW - to basically be second mom to kids - yeah he says she's not trying to replace me.......... but yet, she puts them to bed and sings them to sleep(not ExH), she buys their clothes, she bathes them, discipline's them, etc, and he wants her to go to all their functions with her kids too if they are available.

I want to do what is healthy for the kids, but right now she's more of a novelty than anything and the kids expect alot of attention and devotion by her and I actually think are looking to her to replace me while they are with Ex.

I don't want to hurt the kids, even if I am hurt, and will most certainly put my feelings on the backburner if I must, but I was curious as to what is generally accepeted and done in this situation.

People at their school are still shocked that ExH is already married and they feel uncomfortable when he brings her around - as do I, and I feel like I'm in competition for their affection when she is around at their events.

Personally, right now the wounds are still fresh and I would like to build a relationship with my kids as it was in flux during the time ExH was having the A and then we had the baby and then the divorce and then he remarried.

I just want to spend some time with them at their activities and find that I cannot with her around right now.

ExH originally said he'd give me some time to adjust, but when it doesn't suit him, he changes his mind.

I really do want her to love the kids and for the kids to like her - expecially if she will be around for awhile(although marriage does not guarantee that it seems).

So, how should I behave? Any suggestions?

Thanks. K

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</small>

GIIC,

I have no advice to give you as I've never been in that situation. My WH is not yet living with OW, and my kids are old enough that that will hopefully never be much of an issue. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

But, just wanted to let you know I saw your post and my heart just aches for you! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> What you are going through now is more than anyone!! should have to deal with. I can't even imagine being in your shoes, as it would be too painful. I will pray LOTS for God to grant you peace, and wisdom, and perseverance throughout the coming days/years. How ANY XS can be so cruel and thoughtless towards the woman they loved, the mother of his children, is inconceiveable to me. Or any of us here I guess. Sin. Blatant, vicious sin. It seems to seduce them, grip them, and then turn them into 'heartless, feelingless, morally deprived' animals. Except worse, as Most animals don't turn on themselves.

Anyways, sorry I couldn't be of any help, but wanted you to know that I do pray for you often, and will renew my efforts after your last post. Keep praying, and keep doing what is right. You are SO loved by God.

GIIG;
You have been hanging around this tree long enough to know my story but I'll repeat my what I'm doing. I have two daughters both teenagers(16 and 13)and the stbw has three two girls(10 and 6) and a boy 8.Now I help her buy the kids clothes but not new ones she prefers to shop at a thrift shop cause you can get good quality clothes at a good price. I do this cause her ex has yet given her child support (one of those on going disputes)she makes enough to cover rent, food and the bills. Seeing I'm going to marry the lady I try to help out expecially when the boy needs his meds (another 200 amonth). We have already agreed that we are "NOT" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> replacements for our former spouses in the area of mom/dad. All I'll ever will be and want to be is their freind who happens to help thier mother look after them. I will treat them as they where my own because I love these kids, they are good kids and the stbw is just a freind to my girls except the girls find they can talk to her about female issues better that my ex(too busy with her social life to care)My stbw does not want to be the girls replacement mother but she treats them better then their own because she is always there for them when they need someone to talk to, the ex is hardly ever home( sleeping here or sleeping there). The GF thinks my girls are awesome and they sometimes hangout together like three teenagers(GF 34). My personal slant on your position is that your ex is wrong at the way he is conducting this whole affair with the kids. Their is no worst way to confuse the hell out of kids when parents do things like this.It is damaging and just plain wrong.I went to great pains to reensure her ex that he is and alway will be their dad and I had no intentions of replacing him in that role but hey who pays the bills here and who don't? As for my ex if the girls perfer my new wife over her than it because she made this bed now she'll have to lie in it. As for him the way I read it he'll soon start spenting less and less time with them anyways because he is another one who will be more incline to have a busy social schedule to be bother with kids. It seem to happen lot in this area. Sad but true.

GIIC;
One more thing don't take this lying down. There is nothing worst than someone sell thier rights short or letting themselfs get walked on.Don't let this thing go unchallenged or you'll be the one losing in the end.

(((((((((((((((((GIIC)))))))))))))))))

Do not ever let the X and OW con you by getting you to think that she can be their other mother....she cannot, never will, end of story. YOU birthed those babies with your X at your side, and they are just trying this stuff because they want to obliterate history, so it makes their relationship legitimate. Well in matters of children, THAT can never be done. Have faith in your children to know the difference between you and her right from wrong.

In this unfortunate situation in which we find ourselves, we are going to have to 'accept' that the OW WILL care for our kids when the X has custody visitation, especially if you have a situation like mine...he NEVER ONCE brushed the girls' waist long hair....you can bet SHE will be doing that. Maskes me sick, since my oldest girl does not let ANYONE touch her hair but me. It goes without saying that we have to accept it, even though I HATE it, as you know. We have to allow this horrible thing, another woman, the one that STOLE the H from us to also try to win over our kids. UGH!!!! But a tiny part of me wants her to treat my kids well, keep them safe and happy. Since I have no choice that they mingle with her, this is the best that I can hope for.

But what do we do about OUR feelings? We take the high road, Kathy, that is what we do. We have to, or it will destroy us. For me, it is all important that I do the right thing, all the way along this shi**y journey. One day my kids will be old enough to SEE what I had to do, and they will know I did the best I could. But in this kind of thing, right NOW, I have to trust my babies to know that I am their mother and no-one on this earth can ever take that place, even if I died tomorrow.

My nine year old actually told me recently that he believes dad thinks SHE can be our mother....and what a laugh that was to him. Love your babies Kathy, and they will be able to see the difference between the real thing and window dressing.

Love and light,

Jacky

I thank God our son was 12 when his dad left home, & X was stupid enough to tell our son he was leaving with another man wife. son is now 13 he can refuse to see his dad in our state. dont have to worry about OW wanting to be a part of our son life, she gave her X their 3 boys 2 weeks out of the month. She is what her friends call a party girl. It would have killed me to let my son go for just the weekend visit. Son has refused this day one. I would have a talk with OW, let her know what you do not feel comfortable with. When your children get older they will see another side to her. This is the woman that help break their parents up. I was M before, its hard on a new M with 2 sets of children. Be glad she is not the stepmother from hell like my son got. Right now she is trying to please your X.

m-17 yrs. 9mts, 12 days
x-43 me-48
C-13, 29, 8 gd
d-5-02

ow-31
d-7-02
c-3 under 10
m-10yrs

Wow, my heart really goes out to you. I reached the point that OW was welcome to my WH, but the thought of her developing a relationship with my CHILDREN (8,5,4) was unbearable. In fact that is in large part why I moved 1500 miles away! (WH flies up every other week to visit.)

It seems though that there is probably nothing you can do about OW spending time with your children. Any effort you might make runs too high a risk of hurting the very ones you want to protect. In the interest of your children you need to make it safe for them to have their own relationship with their dad. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job and totally putting them first. It is so unfair, but when one parent refuses to do what is good for the kids, the other parent has little choice but to make twice the sacrifice. In the long run your efforts will most assuredly pay off in terms of happy confident children who know you love them.

Don't underestimate you children. They know exactly who you are and who you will always be. I guess all you can do is show them your own confidence in that role, they will follow your lead. I do hope that you have lots of support in this. The situation can't help but create tremendous anger and resentment. You need a safe place to vent all of that. If it makes you feel any better, I think your exh and his OW sound just horrid. I firmly believe that what goes around eventually comes around, and that means you are due for some pretty wonderful things in your life.

This is exactly what happened to me. Ex H married OW (my old best friend) 4 days after our divorce was final, just 5 weeks after the final separation. She became my children's stepmother. My children were 4,2, and newborn when this first happened.

Now we are at a year later, and all I can say is that time makes it easier. I hate the fact they are presented with her as a role model. She left her own children (her ex H has primary custody) and she is very looks oriented and shallow, and just not a happy person. She and my ex H decided they didn't believe in God anymore(how could they, after all those pesky commandments they broke!) and are lazy parents at best. My girls like her because she buys them makeup (they are 5 and 3!) But to be fair, they knew and liked her before she and my H ran off together. I know she isn't abusive, so that is good, and I guess I'm glad my girls like her, but it still sucks.

She showed up with my ex H for my daughter's first day of Kindergarten. It was hard to watch them play happy family, and me feel like an extra person, but I know that I am doing the real mothering. I am the one taking on the hard role of disciplining and helping instill values. I am doing the things that aren't fun, but are important. It will be very hard when I have to give them my son (18 months) for overnights when he turns 2, because he is my baby, and he doesn't know them well.

K, anyone who knows your story and knows you in your community knows what a great job you are doing. The OW wife and your ex are the ones who should be embarrassed to look people in the eyes. But there are things we can't change, and I will just pray that you are able to deal with it with dignity and grace, and that God will give you peace about it. I never thought I could be indifferent to them, but I can, and it is freeing. Good luck -

GIIC - I have already gone through this and I am still dealing with this. My xh was remarried 7/02, just 6 months after our D. He brought the other woman around my two young boys (7 & 3) right after he left us and before the D was even final. I have had a really hard time dealing with this OW, who obviously has no morals whatsoever, dealing with my children. My xh and I have had quite a few discussions and arguments about this ow and her role in our children's lives. Over the past 2 months things have really calmed down, especially this last month when I finally had enough and told my xh what I do and do not expect of his OW in my life and our children's lives. I was sick of her being pushed in my life and in my face and the same for my children. We are not on talking terms now for the last 2 weeks. I still speak to him about the children and that is it, I don't really get much feedback now.

One of the greatest bits of advice I received when I posted on this same subject was to be open with my children and allow them to talk about the OW (easier said than done) and to never talk negatively about her as well as their father. This will benefit you and your children later on because if they feel comfortable talking to you about the ow they will also feel comfortable about talking to you if something happens while they are with their dad and OW. This works, I have been told so much by my oldest child willingly and it is so obvious that my xh is not as happy as he wants me to believe.

Our kids DO know who their mother is and as much jealousy as we may feel, that is ALWAYS in the back of my mind. We can't help but feel jealous to an extent, disgusted, angry, resentful...............this OW has no morals and we don't want that person around our children. My children and I attend church every Sunday and they will know soon enough just from our beliefs, society and the world we live in that what their dad has done is wrong and it is a sin. I teach my children every day right from wrong and they will figure everything out in time.

You will get through this! You will find a way deep inside to deal with this. I take life one day at a time and I just don't think about the OW much anymore because she can have my xh, he is NOT the same man I married and I don't want him back. Granted, I still grit my teeth sometimes when I am around the ow but I am at peace finally and it is so wonderful. I constantly tell myself when I start thinking about the OW that she is none of my concern, she is not a part of my life, I will deal with her when I have to and that is it.

I have had to deal with a few functions with the ow present and yes, it was very hard. I gritted my teeth and kept my mouth shut. OW did say hi and I said hi. That was all I could manage to give back to be polite in front of my children, they were watching. My children are constantly back and forth between me and their dad and ow. Makes me sick to my stomach but I know at the end of the day that they are going home with me, their mother, and that I have nothing to feel guilty about. My xh and I do not speak when the ow is around except for hi. After a few encounters at functions it did get a little bit easier but it still is hard. I constantly tell myself my children are watching, do everything with their best interests at heart.

What you are feeling is natural........

Kathy

Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

Wonderful advice and support.

Thank you all very very much.

Yes, I will take the high road and try to talk to me ex and try to do what I think is best for the kids and others, and then if it doesn't work, then I'll just handle what comes.

Will try to keep praying and retain my strong connection with God to lead me on the right path with all of this and just take His lead.

On one hand I am soooooo glad that ExH is not my problem to deal with on a daily basis anymore as a husband, but one the other hand it does present a complicating situation regarding the kids.

Luckily, it seems that I am able to keep the lines of communication open with the kids, and am able to work to fulfill their needs. However, it always SEEMS like life is perfect over at the other house, even when it is not.

I'll keep plugging away at it, and one day when there is a new man in my life I'm sure I'll be getting quite a different response from my ex. Yes, he says that he won't mind ...... but he's said alot of things that aren't true, and I don't think he's as prepared for this one as he thinks, and neither is new wifey.........

Many many thanks to you all! I should now make it through the weekend at least... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

K

My x left when children were 4 and 2. Didn't have another woman around them for quite some time. After all, for a long time all he could get were girlfriends in his imagination.

So, he married again 2 years ago and never has told me was going to or had gotten married. Left it up to the children to tell me. In the looks category, she's no prize but neither is he - especially since he's gotten fat and ugle - but I digress.

Anyway, I have found the path that works best for me is to be there. At everything. Don't sit with them. Though they chose to sit right behind my daughter and me at a function a few weeks ago. So. I go. And I am polite if I get close enough to them to speak. But it is seldom more than hello.

(I will talk to her any time - away from him. But she wasn't the OW in my marriage.)

I go, like I said. And I am a lady. But I am not their friend. I speak like they are casual acquiaintances - unless I have something that needs to be said.

Then I go home and I thank God in Heaven that I am not married to this man any more!

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

I'm writing from the gut ... and without reading all the other responses..

Firstly.....{{{HUGS}}}} what a rotten place to be.

Secondly...my ex is NOT married, but has traisped a number of women through his home. The one that hurt the most was when our oldest graduated from high school. All of a sudden this woman was "wayyyyyyy cool"...and had "wonderful ideas" and of course daddy was footing the bill. The hurt I experienced went way deeper than not going shopping for that grad dress with her..it was the memories that went along with it. The times her father had NOTHING to do with her and her school..the times he would sit there and tell her she was f*$%#@g stupid. Now it became a "family affiar" with the new woman and him doing all they could to make *graduation* special. So special that I was not allowed to attend graduation dinner...so special that there were not enough *tickets* for my own mother to come to the ceremonies etc.

Did it hurt? Yep... and it still makes me wanna cry. What did I do? I stepped back and didn't cause a scene. I DID go to the ceremonies and I DID stand in a family picture tall and proud of my daughter. Maybe in retrospect I should have put up more of a fight...but how does one do that when they have a restraining order? I had to weigh all the options. I didn't have enough money for that fancy dress...or the money to buy all the tickets for my family (although I'm sure we could have managed somehow). I DID listen to HER wishes and her wishes were that I not attend because it would make her *father* and *girlfriend* very uncomfortable.

Deep down, you KNOW you are a good mom. Deep down, those KIDS KNOW you are a good mom. It was my ex's choice to end our marriage and not work on it. Instead he choose to *force* me to behave in the way he wanted. WRONGOOOOOO.

*Sigh*... in a round about way... It is YOU that has to deal with all these issues. The one thing that helped me immensely is distance myself from what *they* were doing. My house has different rules...my house has the hugs and kisses and the sitting down and listening to what they are really about, while he and the *flavour of the month* go out of their way to buy them things.

As for the school part -- keep you head up high honey! You deserve respect and honesty! You go to those school functions and sit there proudly! If you need a friend to help support you, invite them along to be the official photographer! People who are there to *make* an impression or to *show off* the new *thing* on their arm...will show just that. People KNOW m'dear that they are there because they have this little complex that says "look at me!!! look at me!!!" Whereas YOU.... exude, "look at my precious kids!"

Now...fast forward three years AFTER the graduation... My daughter asked me for forgiveness for excluding me from all the celebrations. I told her that no matter what went on, it didn't diminish my pride for all that she accomplished. I understand. Heck! If I could get a $600 gown and all the fixins to have the time of my life -- I'd consider it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Thing is...the lesson she learned was far more valuable -- it's the things that DON'T cost that count the most.

Hang in there. I know I'm not on much, but there are so many things similar to your ex and mine...and the bonehead things that they do. I'm much better on email! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Blessings and keep God close to your heart. He sees all and knows all!

Cinderella - Sounds like you are much better off now without ExH...... Thanks for letting me know what has worked for you. Every little bit of info. helps.

Elan - You're so right...... You know, your story reminded me of something that I pulled on my parents around graduation time myself, which I of course am now very sorry for, but the lesson learned - although it took a while, was priceless.

The kids are kids, and they should not be expected to act like adults, and I will be there to guide them throughout life so that they are able to mature emotionally, and not stay at the emotional level of a high schooler, which is where my ex stopped on his emotional journey. (Sorry, had to get that in.)

I just have to keep repeating, take the high road, take the high road, humility is a virtue......

I'll make it. God hasn't given up on me yet, although sometimes I put up quite a fight.

Thanks to you both! K

GIIC,
I have read and responded to your posts over the past few months and have seen such strength and growth in you. Just like you, my first husband left me pregnant and acted single(did the woman thing)but returned to me one week before I delivered our third child. I never really got over the hurt and his continuous drinking lead me to divorce him three children later.
I know how you have felt. You have been very strong, wrestled with your anger, yet remained true to your faith in the Lord and your calling of motherhood.
I see that you are really trying to do the right thing for your children. Hard to say what that is. Is she still the other woman, or is she his wife? Hard to say. When is the past the past and forgotten? Can you just commit adultry and steal a husband and be the wife? John the Baptist called the king to let his brothers wife go and that it was sin-I don't know what is morally right here and when and if wrong becomes right. Hard situation.
You are right to be concerned for your children and who is influencing them and how. I don't know the answers.
I know that you are a very wise woman and the Lord is directing you and you'll find all the right answers the way you have been so far. Good luck my friend!

GIC,

First of all (((((HUGS TO YOU))))). You are being very strong for your children and should feel proud of the great job you are doing.

"I feel like I'm in competition for their affection when she is around at their events."

You'll NEVER be in competition with her for your children! Never!! Your children will always love you much, much more. Don't allow yourself to think this way okay? Why do you think you can't go and enjoy your kids when she is at a function? If I were you, I would go and

"I just want to spend some time with them at their activities and find that I cannot with her around right now."

Why can't you spend time with your kids with her there? I think you should conduct yourself the way you want whether she is there or not. Personally, I think she is going to events way to soon. Not sure what her reason is for going to events this soon. Could be to irritate you or to try and show the kids that she likes/accepts them (for her husband's behalf). You are taking the high road and because of that will reap the rewards.

There is a website for women that are in your situation that would be helpful to you. The woman on the site are great. www.comamas.com
Don't let the name bother you. I am not crazy about it. Don't believe anyone should be called mom or any version of except THE mother of the child. Besides the name, the site is very informative and has a lot of positive posts for woman in your situation.

Good luck and God Bless

K.

Yep. Ms. Stripey nails is at it again. And I am not so liberal in my thinking. Having HER around is too much now for these precious kids.

Have you rethought the custody thing like I asked you about???There is just too much leeway given to this man and his new wife/mistress. She is trying to make this thing holy when it is of hell. I am sorry. I believe in taking the higher road. You don't have to let her know what she probably already knows you adn the rest of the world thinks about her...But stand firm. These kids need their MOM, not their CO MOM OR WHATEVER LIBERAL POLITICALLY CORRECT NAME THEY COME UP WITH. These kids need their mom there. And sorry, but I feel she is interfering. These kids and you need to heal from all this damage that has been done. And both, yes both of them are at fault here. He is allowing her to basically take his place. Isn't he the dad here??? This should also be brought up with attorney. And I think the kids should primarily be with you, especially with their tender ages. Most courts have in place something called tender age doctrine into state laws. These laws are in favor of the moms as primary caregiver, providing the mom's are not wacked out or abusive...I am not anti male here, just stating a fact. And in each particular case, the more STABLE parent should be PRIMARY. That is YOU. No more fifty fifty with Ward and Ms. June Cleaver. Time for you do to the right thing. Do not argue. Just let your attorney do the talking for you in court when this custody case comes up soon.

I personally would like to see some of these people who respond here to tell their own stories instead of giving advice to others (including to myself) when they haven't yet told us WHO THEY ARE OR WHY THERE ARE HERE...This is the second time I've seen this reference to the COMAMAS site from this writer...

It is time for us to stand firm for the well being and rights of our kids. Many of their rights have been trampled on. They want a stable home. A nd they deserve to see both parents but live primarily with the one who is most capable of raising them into moral and responsible adults..And most of all, have this cycle of destruction end and see these children grow and one day have loving and intact families for themselves. Good role models instill this. K, you are such a role model. My hat is off to you.

Once again, thanks to ou all.

Once again however, I totally let ex have it on the phone.

For awhile there he kept asking me where my anger was, and now he tells me that he wants it to go away...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Well, I'll try to behave, although no matter what he says, I am proceeding through the court system with all diligent speed, and I am asking for primary custody of the kids. I do believe that they need stability and honestly, ex has only been able to give the kids a certain amount of time every month - and it is not 50%. Even when he is able to have 50%, something comes up and he doesn't take advantage of the time. So, I'm not really taking anything away from him. It will just be a custody plan that is set and in writing.

To answer the question by Thefemineside about why I can't spend time with the kids when OW/stepmom is around is because she is a novelty right now not to mention they are afraid of hurting dad's feelings if they don't interact with her at these events, so they gravitate to her instead of me. Which I don't mind except that I WANT to spend that time with them and if I say anything to the kids then they might get upset because they will think that they have to choose.

Anyway, feeling better now that I let all of my anger out on ex, even though it wasn't the Christian thing to do. But for some reason, it made ex give me the money he owed me and the kids and he even mentioned that I was not acting as my normal good Christian self, so I guess it didn't make him feel too bad, because he then began the I'm sorrys for all the horrible things that I've done to you cr*p... during which time I had to get off the phone because of a child emergency, so it was just as well.

I can't believe that he honestly thought that things would be all nice and happy and wonderful during and after the divorce. Yes, he is a permenant resident of LaLaLand.

Peachy - don't worry girl, I'm staying strong. Ex will definitely not be a happy camper during the next six months and possibly beyond. But he made his bed and now he must lie in it.

And I will continue to try and be as Christian as I can to ex, guess it's back to confession for me!

God has definitely not abandoned me and I still see Him working each and every day in my life. I still am in total awe of how God works and makes everything work out for His glory. Example, I had wanted a nightgown for the baby and within the next few days someone who had been meaning to bring me some baby clothes finally came by and dropped them off and there was a Little Mermaid nightgown with the clothes that fit her perfectly. And of course, Saint Anthony(I'm Catholic if you have't already guessed) is constantly finding my keys and other items for me. I think that I have a hotline to him or something.

Thanks for all the encouragement! It has been much needed, and appreciated!

Hopeful that things are starting to look up... K

I'm not sure who posted it..think it was one of the guys when I was having my meltdown. He/she suggested the book "Divorce Poison" and I went out and bought it. Gives a whole lot of scenarios and how to handle it with dignity, and keeping the kids in focus. Might be something you may want to look at.

As for that CoMomma's site...my question is this, If you can get along so well with the other woman, how come you couldn't get along that well and *work it out* with your husband? Just a thought.

Hang in there girls...there ARE some men around her that have morals and values...unfortunately we didn't manage to marry them! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> But...it sure does give me a whole lot of hope! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

oh....and NotPeachy... just my cents for as far as it's worth -- sometimes the justice systems doesn't work like you believe it should. My ex for example has continued to break EVERY court order over and over again without any consequences. I base my responses on my own experiences and having to work with an idiot without the legal system standing behind me. Of course I am in another country...but I do have faith that what goes around comes around...and maybe in some totally different way than I originally thought. Hope you are hanging in there also! Man... though comforting to know that I'm not the only one that has to deal with an idiot, my most positive thoughts are heading your way also!

GIIC,
I'm just curious. Is your ex's new wife still working with him?
Maybe I'm a synical here, but I don't think that
the OW is trying to replace you as a mom(she's got her kids) I bet she is very threatened by you and would prefer you to just go away. But since you're always going to be in your ex's life, she'd atleast like the kids to be for her.
She knows he cheated on you as your husband. I bet she is a bit nervous about now being the "wife" and the fears that have to be very real to her. Gee-that's too bad! We'll see-what goes around usually comes around.
I wouldn't be their on-call taxi service for the kids at all if possible. He's the non-custodial father and I don't think you should be any more "inconvinienced" than you already have been by this whole thing.
About the childrens activities, well as you have stated,she has her own children-let her go to their functions, your children have a mother.
I don't believe that she is SOOO interested in them, but threatened by you and does not want him near you without her there. She knows that you have years of history with him and you will always be the mother of his children(you weren't an affair or just a fling)and this will always be a thorn in her side. She brought it on herself by getting involved with a man who was married with children.
Don't back down. I hope that your children aren't being used by her as pawns because of her insecurities. It's just not that common for a step mom that has her own children to be so interested and involved so fast with his children(you have implied that she's not even that interested in her own).
If he had custody and you were not very involved, I could understand her wanting to be very attentive and the children would need this, but yours have their mom full time.
I'm not really trying to knock her, but be aware.
When my ex remarried, his wife wanted to gain my childrens trust to get custody. She hated the child support check to me that she thought that she could use more! We had alot of children together and he made a good living. I see that she was afraid of me-I never wanted him back! She still makes remarks to the kids about how much child support I recieve.( I could be getting ALOT more if I'd ask for it.)
Its going to be awhile before all your children are in school. In your case I would get as much support as possible. His new wife doesn't need to be financially rewarded for this behavior. I was always too proud to ask for more money even though he was making so much more. When I look back, this may have helped my pride but not my children as the ex and his wife were taking extravagent vacations and I was always working.