GIC,

Thank you for explaining why there is problems with you being with your kids if she is around. That would bother me too. Plus it sounds like it has the potential to put the kids in the middle of it all. Not a healthy environment for them. Hang in there. I know you will do the right thing for your children. When you get to court, things will become easier after that. At least they did for me. I was in your position many years ago and did not always do what was best for my children. Regret is a hard thing to deal with when you are talking about how it affected your own little ones. This is the hardest situation I have ever been put in (unwillingly I might add!). After going through so many years in your situation, I feel I have personal experience that most who have posted do not. This is where I come from when I post to you. While my trials are not over in this area, they are lightyears better than they were at the beginning. I too am a strong Christian and have relied upon the Lord always to help me in my weaker times to do what is best for my children and not function on emotion.

NotPeachy,
First of all, ((((((PEACHY))))). I sympathize with what you are going through. I too have been in your shoes and know the enormous pain, guilt, and doubts that you are certainly experiencing. From your post I can see that you don't agree with what I posted to GIC. I respect your opinion, but do not agree with you. There is nothing that I have said to harm her or her children. I, like you, offered advice to her. Since I have been through this very situation and am now more clear headed about it, I feel that I have as much to offer as anyone here. I am not in pain and struggling with divorce. Divorce makes a person somewhat "crazy". It does go away! LOL Have you ever read "Crazy Time"? It is a very helpful book regarding the emotions and pain one goes through when divorcing. It validates that one isn't crazy, just going through such emotions that you sometimes feel and/or act that way. I wish you nothing but future happiness Peachy.

Elan,

"As for that CoMomma's site...my question is this, If you can get along so well with the other woman, how come you couldn't get along that well and *work it out* with your husband? Just a thought."

I assume you were asking me the above question. If not, disregard...

I do try and have a civil, professional type relationship with my XH's wife. I have worked hard at it and it didn't come naturally. It isn't like we are friends or I even like the woman. I do what I do, for my children, no other reason. And I think that it has been very good for them. As far as my XH and why couldn't I "work it out" with him? Many, many reasons for that question. Mainly though the reason is because we were incompatible to the core. There is no working it out when incompatibility exists between to people. Time only exacerbates the issues. I did try, but am very happy with having divorced him. If I had it to do over again, the only thing I would change is divorcing him sooner! Thank you for the thought.

Oh my GOSH, I had an entire page written and then just *poof* lost it. I hate when that happens.

Sigh.

I am a step-mom by label, but I don't see it as co-anything.

In reality, my husband's children are his alone. I try to be a friend. Okay, I'm a friend who bakes cookies, makes dinner, and talks seriously sometimes. Friends don't discipline, and I won't. It's not my job.

My husband's kids come every other week, so to me, their mother has the job of most of the parenting, and my husband is there for his children, and her, when she needs him. I will jump in when I'm asked, but that isn't often because I'm not their parent. I have a role, I suppose, but mostly I am their father's wife. That's my main role.

Let's get down to it - I hate my ex-H's girlfriend. Never liked her, still don't. I've never met her, don't need to. My kids are adults, so they tell her when she crosses a boundary. My oldest daughter (21) told her once to quit trying to be her mother, she already had one. Works for me.

My ex hates my husband. He's never met him, doesn't want to. Understood. My husband is good and kind to my kids.

My husband and I discuss things about all of our kids, but bottom line, only one of us is the parent. The other one supports. That is our role.

I've gone over to the co-mommas site, and to be honest it creeped me out. But I'm sure there are many good women there trying their best. I happen not to agree with the concept of co-mommas or another phrase I read "Co-WIFE"... my stomach turned writing that.

Just my two cents for what it's worth...

Sheryl,

"In reality, my husband's children are his alone. I try to be a friend. Okay, I'm a friend who bakes cookies, makes dinner, and talks seriously sometimes. Friends don't discipline, and I won't. It's not my job. "

What you wrote is my pesonal opinion about what a stepmom is too. I have read posts from numerous woman on that site who feel the same as you. I hate the term "stepmom" or "mom" anything other than me in regard to my children.

I've never seen the term "co-wife"! That is a creepy term for sure!!

GIIC and all others, as much as it hurts you to go through this process, I thank you for sharing your feelings and concerns because I've learned so much from all of you and have so much more to learn.
I posted the note below, but it didn't work, and I think it fits this thread anyway. I don't know what my future holds, but I will certainly know that what I feel is real, and others I respect have successfully lived through the pain.

My D case is making no progress and I've been frustrated by this, but more able to handle the frustration lately. I believe it's God's way of teaching me patience, and that I can't control anything. The weather, rain and cold, and lack of progress has had me down in recent weeks. However, I finally feel that I am doing the right thing and will continue to fight for more time with my children.
The HN/HN book really centered the idea of Emotional Needs and I'm now able to see what I felt was lacking and couldn't describe it. It's harder now to see this stranger, who was not the man I thought him to be. I believed the best in him, but he couldn't believe it in himself.
I feel that this has been a major learning year, and the more I learn the less I know. But I have grown through this trauma, and appreciate the wonderful people I have in my life, especially my little angels.

*sigh*...

I just hate it when ppl try to put words in my posts.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

"As for that CoMomma's site...my question is this, If you can get along so well with the other woman, how come you couldn't get along that well and *work it out* with your husband? Just a thought."

Seriously...if you can get on well with the ex-husband and the new wife, what kept you from working it out with your husband in the first place?

Remember...I'm dealing with my own experience here...an adversarial divorce...42 times in court over the past 4 years with NO end in sight...continued parental alienation and continued abuse from the ex. I just don't understand how people can *get along* and yet not *get along when married*. What's so different?

Personally I knew that before I went as far as divorcing I would do everything on earth (and praying to God) that was possible, so I'd never look back with any regrets.

That Co-Momma's site just makes me think that people are tired, don't want to work on it and trade the partner in for a newer model...and the old model does the on-the-job training for the new *mom*. Just sounds creepy if you ask me! I'd NEVER want to replace anyone's Mom.

Elan,
Can you please tell me what words I added to your post? I copied it. Nothing more. Am a bit confused as to what you are referring to...

"Seriously...if you can get on well with the ex-husband and the new wife, what kept you from working it out with your husband in the first place? "

Seriously, I did answser your question. Perhaps we are miscommunicating because of your concept of "work it out". By work it out I am referring to a simple, civil relationship based upon the commonality of what is BEST for the children. I could never live with my XH again! We were terrible together. Not everyone can work it out Elan. Not every couple that marries SHOULD stay together. I made a mistake when I married him, I freely admit it. The only thing good that came from our marriage was our beautiful children.

"That Co-Momma's site just makes me think that people are tired, don't want to work on it and trade the partner in for a newer model...and the old model does the on-the-job training for the new *mom*. Just sounds creepy if you ask me! I'd NEVER want to replace anyone's Mom. "

You have a very different perception of the site than the true purpose of it. The whole premise of the site is to BENEFIT THE CHILDREN. To help the adults set aside differences, hangups, insecurities or jealousies that exist between the adults involved. Don't think you will read where anyone says that a Mom can be replaced. A Mother can never be replaced. The fact is though, that there are a lot of woman having to spend time with children that are not their's. Statistically the fastest growing type of family is the Blended family. Currently, 1 in 3 adults are involved in a Blended Family relationship. Look for that to increase. This site, as well as others, are in place to support the issues that evolve from the dynamics of such families. Like it or not, they exist. They outnumber the traditional nuclear family. Children are the innocent parties and need to be protected. How can you argue with that concept?

Most woman who post on this board, who remarry, WILL find themselves in this very situation!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Just a thought....I did visit the comama site and I am in agreement with the creepy part. And what is the best for the kids??? Parents, yes, the real parents being parents.

I am in agreement with all who say that the parent who is the legal parent of the child is and should be the disciplanarian and the step or whatever who happens to legally be bound in marriage to the parent is just supportive. No comama or copapa ok?

And when and if I remarry, my H to be will understand this concept well. It is time that we clearly define and draw the lines of parents. I did not want a blended family and believe it or not, may be going through a rough bit right now but am indeed sane and actually doing quite good considering the situation. And even if I weren't in this situation now, my opinion on the subject wouldn't change.

I am glad GIIC, your xh gave you the dinero you needed. Keeping you in my prayers daily as well as many of you here. And I am doing unusually well. Haven't posted myself on a new thread in a while b/c I have been sooooo busy. Son started karate classes this week and loves it. It is fun for us to do together. I watch his classes and practice with him. He is so adorable in his little uniform....Kids are age 3 to 5 and are hilarious to watch.

Gotta go. Will check in w/you later. Keep your chin up. And it's ok to go ballistic sometimes, just not doing it all the time is fine. He deserves it in fact. Personally, I think the Catholic church should consider canonization of you to sainthood for your being so well behaved during this all ...lol....You are so sweet. Keep it up. And remember, you're the mom here. She should just back off. And pray about the custody bit some more. I believe the kids should primarily be with you.

TheFeminineSide,

Nothing in particular that you said other than: "I assume you were asking me the above question" -- which I wasn't. It was just a generalized comment. Sorry to upset you and put you on the defensive.

I stand firm in my belief that people *should* work it out. Not all people are compatible, and if they were like two peas in a pod it would make life pretty dull. Personally (in my opinion) I would rather be with someone that challenges my beliefs and isn't afraid to debate with me without having to beat me up to have me *convinced* of their side.

You quoted: "Statistically the fastest growing type of family is the Blended family." -- by who's statistics? (and before you say anything, I have worked with a federal statistics department and I know exactly how, where when and why staticians collect data and how it's interpreted). Personally (in my opinion once again) if divorces weren't so easy to get perhaps (again in my opinion) people would work a little harder on those *differences* and work on understanding the *incompatibilities*.

You also quoted about the website: "To help the adults set aside differences, hangups, insecurities or jealousies that exist between the adults involved." -- perhaps those differences, hangups etc. are a direct result of parents who chose to leave marriages, abuse spouses, give no consideration to the vows that they made (again...in my opinion). If that website made more efforts to promote healing families and having men take responsibility for their part, then perhaps I might be a little open minded.

I applaud you for being a step mother. I am sure it is a difficult job and I am sure that you do take the children first, however if you were the step-mother to MY children, I would be just as hostile and unwelcoming as I am to my ex's girlfriends. He left a marriage without ANY regard for his children. It's NOT up to any OTHER woman to make all his *mistakes* go away -- that is his responsibility. When a man steps up to the plate and takes responsibility for his screw ups and works towards solidifying a relationship with HIS children, then perhaps it would be easier to include the *other woman*.

'Nuff said.