I have now been married for a month. And of course, everyone tells me that the first year is like meeting your mate all over again. Well, I thought that we had pretty much covered each others views about sex outside of marriage, but suprise, suprise, now the truth really comes out. My husband feels as though it wasn't intended for a man to be with just one woman. He says that men feel as though they need to have more than one sex partners, and it is a very natural thing. He has given me many reasons why such as: God making the ratio of women to men so different (10:1 I believe), many of histories great men having affairs, other countries allowing multiple marriages, and so on. We did some research and found that close to 75% of married men cheat. He said that if men were allowed out have intercourse outside of marriage, a lot of the divorce problems would be solved. Suprisingly, when I had this discussion with a group of men and a woman from his job one, all the men seemed to agree. All but two admitted to cheating on their wife. The two that were faithful said that even though they are faithful, it doesn't feel natural, and they would like to cheat. My husband agrees that it doesn't feel natural, but assures me that he will never cheat. PLEASE give me your opinion on this.

Did he ever mention this before marriage?<BR>Does he feel that some of his needs are not being met? Do you feel that he is setting you up for something? Sorry so many questions. It just doesn't ring right with me that he would go to such great lengths to justify a man not being with one woman if there wasn't some sort of agenda. I would try to talk to him about his needs and what you can do to meet them.<P>cleo

purplepanda,<P>I won't get into this too much, but the ratio of women to men is just about 1:1. There are slightly more men born than woman, but that percentage is under 6% and male babies dieing more often tends to level the field so to speak.<P>As for all men cheating, it ain't so. In fact women are getting into the act at growing rate. Ask him how he would feel if you decided you needed some fun with a "different" guy every now and then.<P>By the way, I am a guy. Men do generally have stronger sex drives, but the reason for marriage are just as strong for men as women.<P>Traditionally, women marry to have a stable home and a safe place to raise their children. Men marry because they can never be sure they are the father otherwise. (with DNA testing this is changing as is the need for a male with women working out of the home). <P>Ask him who all of these men cheat with? Guess what, someone elses W frequently. They all aren't sleeping with the same single woman.<P>Your H sounds very young. No offense but so do you. Please ask him these questions. How would he feel raising anothers man's baby by you.<P>These questions will hit home, and remind him why marriage is a two way street. It isn't that unnatural. By the way many men cheat when they find that their sexual needs aren't being met at home. Usually happens after the arrival of children. So be aware that these needs are in fact chemical and not simply a matter of choice on the males part.<P>Needs of both W and H are very important. Read His Needs Her Needs, by Harley if you want a better understanding.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cleopatra:<BR><B>Did he ever mention this before marriage?<BR>Does he feel that some of his needs are not being met? Do you feel that he is setting you up for something? Sorry so many questions. It just doesn't ring right with me that he would go to such great lengths to justify a man not being with one woman if there wasn't some sort of agenda. I would try to talk to him about his needs and what you can do to meet them.<P>cleo</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Cleo, thank you for responding. What's crazy is that he says that he is completely satisfied. (And no, he never moentioned this before) He says he could want nothing more, but the fact remains that men could have a completely happy home, but they still will wonder off. My only guess is that he is sitting me up for something, but I would just hate to think that about us. Write back when you can. thanks.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>purplepanda,<P>I won't get into this too much, but the ratio of women to men is just about 1:1. There are slightly more men born than woman, but that percentage is under 6% and male babies dieing more often tends to level the field so to speak.<P>As for all men cheating, it ain't so. In fact women are getting into the act at growing rate. Ask him how he would feel if you decided you needed some fun with a "different" guy every now and then.<P>By the way, I am a guy. Men do generally have stronger sex drives, but the reason for marriage are just as strong for men as women.<P>Traditionally, women marry to have a stable home and a safe place to raise their children. Men marry because they can never be sure they are the father otherwise. (with DNA testing this is changing as is the need for a male with women working out of the home). <P>Ask him who all of these men cheat with? Guess what, someone elses W frequently. They all aren't sleeping with the same single woman.<P>Your H sounds very young. No offense but so do you. Please ask him these questions. How would he feel raising anothers man's baby by you.<P>These questions will hit home, and remind him why marriage is a two way street. It isn't that unnatural. By the way many men cheat when they find that their sexual needs aren't being met at home. Usually happens after the arrival of children. So be aware that these needs are in fact chemical and not simply a matter of choice on the males part.<P>Needs of both W and H are very important. Read His Needs Her Needs, by Harley if you want a better understanding.<P>God Bless,<P>JL</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks so much for your comments. They are very helpful. (My husbands reaching 30, and I am a few years younger.) I agree with so much that you have said. Maybe he isn't satisfied at home, but whenever I ask him, he tells me that he is completely satisfied. Hopefully, if he's not, he'll come to me and talk to me about it. Thanks again for your letter.<P>

Hi Panda,<P>It is true that there are many different types of marriages. And not every marriage has the same rules, right? <P>I would urge you to stick to what you are comfortable with and can live with in regards to your relationship with your husband. I can detect that you don't want your husband to be with other women and that this outlandish arrangement is not a mentally healthy choice for you. <P>Panda, I really do try to keep an open mind - I think I even do it to a fault on occassion. But in this case, I have to say this is a totally unnacceptable way of conducting a marriage. Nothing but pain and regret can come from an arrangement such as this. <P>Your H is trying in a sneaky (but not so smart) way to manipulate you - and he's practically got you where he wants you. <P>First, he has already betrayed you by not being above board with his highly unconventional ideas about how a marriage should be. <P>Second, now that he has come out of the closet with these unreasonable concepts, he expects you to accept it and deal with it.<P>As for his little buddies at work, birds of a feather tend to flock together. Those ones remind me of pigeons (Rats with wings, if you get my drift.) <P>Your fears may be right, Panda, he may already have cheated on you. I suggest asking him straight up - "Have you had sexual relations with anyone besides me since we have been a couple?" It is a simple yes or no answer. <P>And here's a hint - if you get anything other than an unwavering "NO", then the answer is "Yes" This isn't one he should NOT have to 'think' about.<P>I rarely say this, as I tend to vest faith in compromises working - but someone has to give here. Either you have to accept living with a spouse who is unfaithful and all the wonderful issues that come along with that (sexually transmitted diseases, him getting another woman pregnant, him spending money on his girlfriends, excessive time spent away from you - just to name a few). OR your hubby must snap to his senses and step up to the plate as a REAL husband, which I doubt with all my heart he can do without the aid of a marriage counselor.<P>All in all, what I think is a realistic plan for you is this: let him know that you in no way can live with the attitude he has towards fidelity, and that if he wants to continue being married to you , he must drop those hurtful expectations. Furthermore, be assertive and make an appointment with a marriage counselor. DO it tomorrow. Tell him you want him to come. If he doesn't make the effort, then all bets are off. I don't know a whole lot about what the law says, but I am willing to bet that you would be granted an annullment. <P>I am sorry, Panda if I come off as being blunt or too harsh. But I do itbecasue I want to help you, and I care. I want to see you wake upi ans smell the coffe, becasue you sound like a really sweet person who doesn't deserve to live the miserable life your husband is proposing. Please keep us posted.... Wish you the best!!!<P>Khyra<P>

I have to agree with Khyra. Solid marriages don't have affairs. Those are born of malcontent. If you belong to a church or synagogue, speak to the priest or rabbi with your H present. I dont think he had the conversation with you just to have it. Its better to know now what he is going to be like than ten years and a couple of children later. Tell him its absolutley without a shadow of a doubt something you will not consider living with. Even if he is the best sweet talker in the world and has you thinking that it might be able to work for you, I can tell you that the baggage that comes withthe affair is almost too much to deal with. Be strong for yourself and your marriage.<P>cleo

Purple, um, how do I say this but it sounds like your H is a big jerk. And he is trying to tell you something in a not-so-subtle way. He will cheat. His friends and coworkers actually ADMIT to cheating?! People have no shame, I guess. <P>But back to your H--he's broaching the subject now to see how things will go with you down the line when he does cheat--will he lose you (consequences for him) or will he be able to have his cake and eat it too (no consequences.) Obviously you have told him just entering into such a ridiculous conversation with him that you will listen to him and be open to his apologies, promises, puppy-eyes, etc. when he does decide to cheat. <P>I would've told him this: if any man cheats on me I am out the door immediately. No second chances, no looking back, no discussions or counseling or other bullsh*t.<P>

I used to be the type of woman in a relationship who would see something bad coming and wait for it to happen and then decide what to do. Like the coyote in the roadrunner and coyote cartoons--an anvil is falling out of the sky and I am underneath it...instead of moving, I hope it will change course and of course it doesn't it hits me in the head. <P>Now when I see an anvil coming toward my head I step out of the way quickly. <P>An anvil is coming your way, and you know it! Does it have to hit you for you to take action? No. Tell your H. that you are filing for an anullment on the grounds of fraud. Then do it and move out. What must he think of you if he would say something like that? Geez.<P>

It's late and I am too tired to sit and philosophize. . .<P>It's wrong. Period.<P>All the rationalization in the world won't change that one iota.<P>He needs to get that sort of notion out of his head.

I wanted to thank everyone again for responding, and I wanted to keep everyone updated. I took the advice from everyone, and went to my H last night to talk to him. We had never got in such an arguement ever before. I was honest with all my feeling and convictions, and told him that I would have never married a man who had those opinions, and I was setting myself up to get hurt if I continue on in the relationship. It went on all night, and we both went to bed upset. When I woke up this morning, I woke up to the most apologetic man I have ever met. He said that he was wrong, and all of this isn't worth losing me, and he wants us work this out. He assured me that he will never cheat on me, and he was just trying to hold on to his "single" life. So, that is where we stand at this point. I haven't told him where I stand right now in the relationship. The question is - Do I just go on trust and put my all into working this out, or do I move on? I Love my H w/all my heart and really want this to work. I'm just scared...

Good for you! Now what?<P>May I suggest that you obtain some of Dr. Harley's books. Start with His Needs Her Needs and then maybe Affair Proofing Your Marriage.<P>You guys should read these together. Take the time to get to know what each of your emotional needs are. Agree now to use the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) in your marriage. You may need to set down guidelines NOW about apposite sex friendships.<P>His apology is a good start but now you both need to work on building a foundation for your marriage to build upon. <P>All the best!<BR>Mud<p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited October 13, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mudder:<BR><B>Good for you! Now what?<P>May I suggest that you obtain some of Dr. Harley's books. Start with His Needs Her Needs and then maybe Affair Proofing Your Marriage.<P>You guys should read these together. Take the time to get to know what each of your emotional needs are. Agree now to use the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) in your marriage. You may need to set down guidelines NOW about apposite sex friendships.<P>His apology is a good start but now your both need to work on building a foundation for your marriage to build upon. <P>All the best!<BR>Mud</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Thanks for commenting.<P>I totally agree with you. When I got to work today, I found an apology letter in my purse. He also sent me a dozen roses and some balloons with a gift and another apology letter (This is from a man who is very unromantic. This is the very first time the has even gotten me roses before.) I know that he is sincere with his apology. <BR>He said whatever it takes to make our relationship work, he's willing to do. With that in mind, tonight we are going to talk again and then see where we are going to go from here. Thanks again for the respones I've gotten. They have all been so helpful.<BR>

Good for you, purple.<P>I hope I was not too radical in my last post--you are married and have taken vows very recently and none have been broken yet, so annulment or divorce should not really be the answer and should not be something you have to consider, I did not intend to damage your marriage. <P>I was overcome by anger--the more I thought about what your H. said to you the more it got to me. I know what it is like in a relationship to capitulate in order to keep the peace, but then realize that I kept the peace at the wrong time and later really regret it. I was getting the feeling that while your H. was testing your reaction to his "philosophies" about fidelity--seeing how much of his single life he could maintain and how far he could push it with you without risking losing you--you didn't really agree but took the opportunity to communicate with him and try to understand him, instead of just shutting him down and telling him he was full of crap and that he was disrespecting your new marriage and insulting your intelligence and being a selfish creep.<P>I hope that you gave him the smack upside the head that he needed to put his focus back inside the relationship and let go of his single life in his fantasies. <P>I agree that you two should reset and refocus on meeting each others' needs and put this behind you.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by masked1:<BR><B>Good for you, purple.<P>I hope I was not too radical in my last post--you are married and have taken vows very recently and none have been broken yet, so annulment or divorce should not really be the answer and should not be something you have to consider, I did not intend to damage your marriage. <P>I was overcome by anger--the more I thought about what your H. said to you the more it got to me. I know what it is like in a relationship to capitulate in order to keep the peace, but then realize that I kept the peace at the wrong time and later really regret it. I was getting the feeling that while your H. was testing your reaction to his "philosophies" about fidelity--seeing how much of his single life he could maintain and how far he could push it with you without risking losing you--you didn't really agree but took the opportunity to communicate with him and try to understand him, instead of just shutting him down and telling him he was full of crap and that he was disrespecting your new marriage and insulting your intelligence and being a selfish creep.<P>I hope that you gave him the smack upside the head that he needed to put his focus back inside the relationship and let go of his single life in his fantasies. <P>I agree that you two should reset and refocus on meeting each others' needs and put this behind you.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not upset at all by what you said to me. If anything, that is what motivated me to come to him and work this out. You showed me what I didn't want to happen so, in return, I saw what I needed to do. THANK YOU for pushing me to the edge. If you didn't, I would have held back my feelings and not told him everything that I did yesterday. Thank you so much. I have faith that my H and I are going to be able to start taking positive steps toward the right direction.<BR>

I have to add one other thing (my .02, or 1.00 at this point). <P>Hard as it is after being emotionally hurt...you'll have to wipe the slate clean and not keep up the dynamic of you're victimized/he's apologetic and romantic.<P>Don't unconsciously use your newfound power as a tool and issue ultimatums so you get the great drama of a reconciliation complete with flowers and apology letters (I know you won't, just a reminder to keep an honest eye on your motives from one who has been there, as it is not healthy for you or for him.) <P>And always let him know you as someone who knows what it right and someone who will do what is right, no matter what a hardship it may be.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by masked1:<BR><B>I have to add one other thing (my .02, or 1.00 at this point). <P>Hard as it is after being emotionally hurt...you'll have to wipe the slate clean and not keep up the dynamic of you're victimized/he's apologetic and romantic.<P>Don't unconsciously use your newfound power as a tool and issue ultimatums so you get the great drama of a reconciliation complete with flowers and apology letters (I know you won't, just a reminder to keep an honest eye on your motives from one who has been there, as it is not healthy for you or for him.) <P>And always let him know you as someone who knows what it right and someone who will do what is right, no matter what a hardship it may be. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You're absolutely right. Thank you. I'll keep that in mind starting now. I told myself earlier today that I have to make the decision today to let go of all of this if I truly want to move forward because it will become baggage that will keep me back. <P>

glad to see that your H got a wake up call. Do get the Harley books and use the questionnares. Marriage is hard work. It's not that fairy tale we all thought it would be. You have to really work on it daily.<P>cleo