My STBX and I were married 3 1/2yrs. During that time, he spent endless hours online looking at porn and talking/cybering with women. He used to trade his nude pix as well, until I deleted all of them and destroyed the video card in the computer. We faught over this the entire time-- then I tried to "overlook" a lot of it. I did not have a job, b/c I was afraid that if I left the house, he'd call these girls (I had also found him asking for the girls' phone #"s so he could call them for phone sex and God knows what else).. basically, I stupidly thought I could control his behaivor by watching him every free second he had. Then he went off for some military training (he would not let me go, mil. didn't care) 8hrs away. I would not let him bring the computer, and I visited every other weekend. I found local swingers directories by his phone upon one surprise visit--the 1st time he said he got them b/c he was so mad at me for not having a job, that he was seriously considering cheating on me. I told him that I promised to get a job if he'd promise to respect his marriage vows and not converse with other women in sexual manners. He didn't really agree to it, and somehow weasled around it. When he returned home, I was distant. I felt betrayed and having him just back again, knowing what he might have and probably did do while he was at training sickened me and made me feel stupid. I got a job within the first 2 weeks of his return. He seemed very happy with me and actually stayed away from porn sites online (claiming it always started off w/ "just porn" and escaleted from there uncontrollably). But not even a month went by before he started taking advantage of his free nights and would spend 8-9hrs having cyber sex and getting actual photos. I was frustrated, and the fights resumed. I got progressivly angrier, and checked up on him more often, since now he was being as sneaky as possible about it. I made surprise trips home on my short lunch break to check in. He worked graveyard shift at the time (7pm-7am), hadn't come home till 8am-ish, and had a graduation ceremony to attend at 5pm, just before rushing off to work. Sane people would've tried to sleep in between all this. When I surprised him on my lunch at 2pm, he was still wide awake and jerking himself raw (I knew he'd been online all day-I'd been calling my house and getting a busy sig.). I had, had it. Furious, I told him then that we either go to a marriage councelor or that I was going to leave. A week went by, and we went to our first session--he'd thought I was kidding. I thanked him for going before, during and after. I thought we were getting somewhere- he admitted that he was wrong, and that he could not control himself. And he aknowledged that almost every other little prob. we had was due to this one huge one. The councelor said she thought he was addicted to porn/sex and that he prob. could use some good anti-depressants. He didn't want to hear that, and we only went back once more before he refused to go again. A month later, (Aug) I found out that he'd started giving women his work email address so that he could continue sexual conversations with them there, so I couldn't poss. find them. We had a huge fight, me fueled by alcohal, were I drug out everything he ever did to me, and everything I thought of him-including my drunken psychoanaylasis of him. Tears were pouring down my face, and I kept saying "choose!Me or the damn porn and cybersex!" He said he wanted both. I said I couldn;t live with that anymore. I edventually passed out. The next day, he was sweet. Before he left for work, he asked me if we could please talk again without all the yelling. When he came home, he pleadingly asked me if we still had an appointment with the marriage councelor. I said I'd see what I could do. That weekend, I went to work. He poured over the computer for hours--worse than ever before, telling this one woman he'd drive (2hrs away) to go and screw her, telling her that he was seperating. She said "I'm sorry"...he said "I'm not." He also made a [censored] date with some whore who said she'd be in town in 2 weeks (on a sat nt., which I always worked). He was asleep when I found out about these incidents- I faught every urge in my body not to go in there and hit him with a hot-oil filled skillet. Instead, I shoved him and asked him why he couldn't just say he wanted a divorce instead of doing all this crap to me. He just said "fine, we'll do it. We'll get a divorce." Naturally, I wasn't going to let it go at that. I confronted him with everything I knew. He claimed the only reson he set that "date" and said those things was to get me to talk to him-that he wanted me to find it and that he wasn't really going to go. (ignoring the fact that he told her to email all the details of what time, what she'd be wearing, her room #, etc to his work). I kept switching sides b/w I want a divorce and I don't (I cried "but I thought we had fun together!" and he said "we do!" almost as desperatly as I did). Through it all, he kept saying he wanted a divorce, though he kept making me feel like I should fight for "us"(the reasons changed--he didn't want to drag me down anymore...he's doing this b/c he's not happy...he doesn't like being married and wants to be free to have sex with everyone...). I told him that he'd better be damn serious- that after I moved out, I was NOT coming back no matter what (why? so he could have his sex-spree and me just return like it never happened?) and that I would not ever talk to him again except through a lawyer. He was surprised. He said "you're really going to hate me so much that you're not going to talk to me ever again?" I explained that I wasnt going to let him keep me around like he did the last girl that loved him just so he could break my heart day after day. I told him that it would take me a week to move out, and that he needed to go stay with his friend. He was in shock again- but I restated in no uncertain terms that I did not want to see him. My mom came to help me move out. I was so upset I just wanted to cry all day/night on the couch...but tears wouldn't always come. The day after I kicked him out, he showed up at 11:30pm--let himself into the apartment (I was asleep) and started digging around for stuff in the dark. My mom caught him--he said he was looking for his medical records. But then he went in our room--where I was--and turned on the light 2-3 times (I was so drained I never even stirred). Neither of us know why. Then he gave a weird goodbye to my mom and left. That was the week before last of August. I am living with my parents rt now--immediatly started school full-time 3 days after moving here, and I work as well. I am keeping busy. I am very confused--sad but numb, although I know that this is for the best. When I got here, I called his parents to let them know what was going on (I knew he wouldn't tell them). They more or less seemed to side with me--saying that they guessed he just hadn't grown up yet. I am driving myself nuts wondering what he's doing/who with. I accidentally dialed my # out of habit when I tried to call my former employer one day last month and found out that he had our phone disconnected. I called his parents out of quick, unrational reaction- wanting to know what the hell was going on--where he was. I had a good story as to why I needed to know as well. I knew they weren't home. But his mom called back that evening, and left a message that said if I'd like to talk, to call again...that's she'd be up till 9. I want to talk to them---I want to know...want a little connection to him...but, damn it I know better. It would make me seem like a psycho who wants him back and is chasing him, and that's not the case at all. But I don't understand how to just throw away people like that. How to throw away 4yrs of my life. I feel like such a looser, living with my parents. Esp. since I know its going to take me till spring 04 to get my degree.. so I'm here till then, cause with my courseload, I can't afford to live on my own. After that, I think I will join the military b/c I really miss it--and at least I know my medical and dental will be cared for, and I'll be able to live on my own. And there he is in his now-bachelor pad screwing everything he can catch and partying all the time, no doubt. We have not spoken since the last time we saw each other and neither of us has filed. It will probably be my job...too much work for him--he already considers himself divorced, so says his personal ad on adult friend finder. But I am still getting my health care benefits, and he is still paying for my truck and insurance (I was in charge of finances, and those were auto withdrawls-I'm not sure if he even realizes that just yet)...so I am hesitant to breathe (I can't afford much at all)
--of course, with military, he gets extra money in his check b/c he's married, so it's fair. And I left him with almost everything b/c I was too depressed to pack. I wish I'd taken a lot more-- at least everything I'd had b4 marriage. I am so, so lonely. I am overweight, depressed (but on prozac), turning 24 next month along with Christmas and I live with my parents. Don't have time for friends...don't have any, anyways. Too afraid of men. I miss being married like crazy, but logically I know he was wrong and that he never was "married" to me..that he was a horrible chauvenistic cheating liar--logically, I know I just crave the intimacy and companionship. But all other ways, I miss him...our memories..our private jokes...and even his family.
So there it is. My situation. Any responses by those of you who made it this far <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , I sure would like to hear from. Long responses about my situation...what I did wrong. Whatever...I just need to talk about this.

Hi Ephip! Please hope you don't mind if I shorten your name, no offence intended.
I was also in the military - Army - for nearly 9 years till they kicked me out on Medical Disability Chapter.
Your story is so sad, I feel for you. Being a logical kind of guy, I think that your best move would be to:
Join the military - Air Force or Navy would be your best bets, let THEM pay for your school, you'll travel, make some money and the training would help take your mind off of your miserable marriage.
Your husband has a serious Sexual/Porn ADDICTION - it's as bad as any crack, coke or heroin habit. He's refusing counseling and help. Basically he's throwing everything away because he has this addiction - until he gets help he's never going to change. I'm sorry he sucked you into his life.
I certainly don't have too many answers, but for you to get out from living with your parents, depending on them, I'd suggest joining the Military for sure. What to do about your husband? There are many on these Boards who would tell you to Plan A/B on to Divorce. How is your husband doing since you left? Does he continue trying to contact you, etc.? Hopefully you have no kids.
I think the Harleys do email counseling and I know they do phone counseling. How about your church - is there anyone there you can talk to?
And I certainly wouldn't worry about the weight - sure, society wants everyone to be skinny, yadda yadda, what ever! I'm overweight, so is my wife, and we don't care - we love each other for who we are INSIDE. There are folks out there who look on the inside, and not how much you weigh. Have you considered some anti-depressants? Just hope a little of what I've written on here might help you in the right direction.
How about some other suggestions on this Thread? {{{{{{bump bump}}}}}}
Harold

No, we did not have kids *thank goodness.* And we have not spoken since I left in August-- no attempt has been made on either of our sides, excpet for my accidental phone call to our apartment when I found out he'd disconnected the phone. He has changed the passwords on our compuserve account. Before he did, a few days after I'd left, I signed onto his account and saw that he'd signed up for memberships to several adult personal sites and was attempting to call some woman. I was devestated. Not feeling like church counceling-- they keep hinting towards reconsiliation and forgiveness...and I don't want that. I'll forgive...later...maybe. But I know that I could do better without him...emotionally, at least. I am on prozac...quite a high dose, and I think that's what's keeping me working so hard. I am going to school full time rt now and working, so I dont have time for much else. Thank you for your reply. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm sorry that you are going through this......

There are actually many people here and on GQII board whose spouses have addictions to internet porn.

You may want to post another message with a specific title asking for help with internet porn - or you can also do a search here and on the GQII board with the words internet porn and read what others have gone through in the past.

It's hard to break away from something like that since computers are so easily accessible.

Please get yourself a support system of friends, fmaily, counselor, church group, priest or minister and especially God.

You will need all right now to weather this, and lean on them when you need to.

Take it one day at a time and try not to make any major lfe changing decisions until you can work through some of your emotions.

Please read the info. on this site about affairs and internet porn so that you can have a better understanding about what you are dealing with and can make appropriate decisions.

I know that you are going through the worst kind of betrayal and it hurts!

Please know that we are here to listen and to help. K