I was glad to see this discussion forum on MB, it was comforting just to know that there are people out there just like me and they can understand the pain. I've been married for over 28 years and found out about 3 months ago that my H had been having a 4 YEAR A with a co-worker, (she is his age, also married 25 plus years)this on the heels of finding out he had been involved with another co-worker at a previous job for over a year, and another one night stand with someone else thrown in for good measure. I have been reeling from this knowledge for weeks, but he swore to me the A was over, only God could take my wedding ring off my hand, he sincerely wanted to reconcile and I really implemented Plan A with all my heart. For a few weeks things were like a second honeymoon, but after that it went down hill fast. He misses his lover and thinks about her constantly. Add to that he has been out of work for months (he was a general manager of a local plant)and is heavily into internet porn. I have loved this man since I was 16, we married when we were 20 and 21 respectively, I helped him finish college, have followed him all over the country as his career progressed and we have 3 incredible, beautiful daughters, ages 25, 22 and 16. As his mood darkened and he became more and more emothionally and physically aloof, I confronted him - he told me he feels nothing for me, it's just a big blank and he has been trying for weeks. I asked to leave, as I believe he has been in contact with the OW again, it sounds like her talking through him. He went to his parents and he called each of his daughters to tell them he loved them and he loves me but he is not"in love" with me...does this sound familiar?? He told my oldest daughter I am every thing he ever hoped I could be and yet he feels nothing...he told the OW in one of his emails to her that she is the love of his life, they are soulmates, yada yada yada. I guess I'm just chopped liver. I believe he will ask for a divorce when he comes home to "talk" next week, although he can't seem to make a definitive move in that direction, he wants me to be the one to do it so he can say, it wasn't him it was me. I won't do it. I have loved this man all my life, I still do, although it is like a stranger came and took over my H's body and soul. I have tried so hard to save him and our marriage. I am no quitter, but even my girls say, Mom he's not worth it, don't let him hurt you anymore. I can't imagine life without him, but I guess I'm still in love with the decent honest honorable man I married who would have layed down his life for me and I for him. Does any of this make sense?? How can I still love and miss him?? I loathe the OW and what has happened to our lives. Some days I think I'll lose my mind and I cry and cry..... any words of advice will be greatly appreciated.

Broken x 3 - I can totally relate - I am not real good with advice as I also raise the same question - I to have been with my exhusband now 19 yrs. - and we are divorced but it is still so hard - and so painful... But you have to do what is right for you - everyone here has some wonderful advice - I recommend that you read other peoples threads - here and on GQII - everyones situation is different - I would recommend seeing a counselor and getting on antidepressants it is the only thing that will keep your emotions under control - I am sure everyone else will pop in with great advice... Stay Strong.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am so sorry (((((((((((hugs))))))))))).

Please read Surviving an Affair by Harley.

It will tell you EXACTLY what you are up against and what is happening in your life right now.

Of course this isn't H's soulmate - he's simply going through what is called withdrawal. And of course he doesn't feel anything for you - because affairs are like addictions.

Please know that what you are going through is nothing new, and that if you read the information on this site and in that book then you will know how to proceed.

Please get a support system for yourself right now with people such as family, friends, a counselor, church group, priest or minister, and if you need some antidepressants then by all means get some - everyone is on them here. And don't forget, most importantly to turn to God. He will carry you through this mess, believe me.

With all that said. You are in for an emotional roller coaster and it will be difficult to think straight. That is why you need the support system. Try not to make any life changing decisions right now until you can think a little clearer and are armed with the information that you need.

My best advice is just to take things one day at a time. Or one minute at a time if necessary.

The spouses who do this have some unmet needs and often they don't even know what they need, and should go to a counselor to try and find out.

There is usually an underlying problem if there were multiple affairs, and only your H knows if he is willing to figure it out and fix himself or not.

Plan A is great. Remember it takes MONTHS - at least 6 to make even a dent in the mond of the wayward spouse. So don't give yourself a hard time if H does not return right away. And in addition, as I said earlier, affairs are like addictions and the WS has to go through a withdrawal period of at least 3 weeks for the intense pain to diminish, just as if he was detoxing from alcohol or drugs.

My prayers are with you, and please return here with any questions that you may have. K

broken x 3

God is in control has some really good suggestions. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone on these boards.

I totally understand what you have said here:

I can't imagine life without him, but I guess I'm still in love with the decent honest honorable man I married who would have layed down his life for me and I for him. Does any of this make sense?? How can I still love and miss him?? I loathe the OW and what has happened to our lives. Some days I think I'll lose my mind and I cry and cry.....

I have had a hard time letting go, even tho I don't even reconize the man I married. I can hate him for what he's done, yet want to be held by him, then feel replused cuz he's been with others. Thats part of the roller coaster.

Sorry for the reason you are here. But this is a great place for support. Right now just take minute by minute. Picture yourself in God 's lap and feel His love.

D.

Heard your pain in your statement. I am going through an ugly divorce. My stbxh is SNL that was banned off of marriagebuilders a few months ago by Steve Harley. Anyways, I am still having a hard time, and now my husband is posting on divorcebusting and stating the same thing he did here. This is painful, for the whole family to be destroyed, the kids feel the pain, and of course us spouses feel the extreme pain.

We were to be married for 25 years this December. He found another woman on the internet on religious board. In June 2000. We went to visit H father in Arizona where the other woman lived and he became sexually active with her. This is the OW 2nd sexual affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Anyways, all of that is history, gone, and hurting. I did the big job, cause the husband was too scared to be the one to do the bad job. But I did it after he physically abused me, and I am now recovering after surgery of my rotator cuff. The police were out, and they told me to get a lawyer, and file for divorce, or separation, and our state does not have separation. But the divorce has been all me, me, me. Your husband is saying the exact same stuff as my H did.

Now that I am counseling with the First STep, for batteredd wives, I found out that I am his victim. I am the one he uses to lash out at. I am the one that he will always see as the one that is no good. Here he is the adulterer, the abuser, the name caller, the one who lied, who did something illegal with the bank. There are so many things that he did, but it is placed on me.

Be careful, he will tell your kids, just like you said. I love your mother, but I am not in-love iwth your mother. This is all fantasy, euphoria, etc. Theyare in a MLC and they are seeing the otherwoman as their soulmate. I heard that so many times. And if I had to do it over, I would of said, goodbye my love. I hope you find happiness in your X2 adulterous woman. I have endured so much in the last 6-7 months. That no one deserves the treatment that myself and my kids have had to endure.

Take care. We are here for you to talk to. Keep your head up, and you are going to have some really low days, and nights. Goodnight.

Thank you all so much for your replys...just knowing that someone really cares is so comforting. Its been so hard to lose the affectionate and caring husband I had for most of my life, it's hard to keep focused on anything else. Just a few weeks ago he went and bought a new bedroom suite for us, jewelry, flowers, cards, "I love yous" and then it just started to disappear again, little by little, until just the other day when he told me he felt nothing for me and wasn't happy, didn't know if he could ever be happy again. It's all about him, always. Now he left and is with his parents and can't give me a definate date on when he'll be home to "talk". I have come to realize that I am in love with a "ghost", the man who was and no longer is. How sad. I have to come to terms with it. I thank God for my daughters and their support. They love their dad, they always will and should, but their trust and respect has been shattered. This is not how we taught them to live their lives and he has always been such a good dad. I have the support of good friends and other family members who have assured me I have done everything I could and more, and that its time to start letting go. I know each of you has been at this same place, and lived to tell, but getting from point a to point b is not easy. Thank you for your encouragement and prayers-know that you have mine! patti