Ok, this was not a good weekend for relations with Ex and new wife -

First, ExH refuses to have stepmom not attend children events - like cub scout events so that I can spend time with my boys - I bet that Ex does not go to her girls girl scout events..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Oh, and he did that ONLY because he was angry at me for not making sure that the boys had baths before he picked them up on Thursday- let's see I fed them dinner, practiced their piano with them, helped them with their homework and let them play with their friends and the oldest, did indeed get his bath, but ex never said anything about that before hand - yet has to insult me when he picks up them up because the other two weren't bathed, and takes it out on me by refusing to tell stepmom to stay home with her girls instead of attending Friday's cub scout event with them all and the boys, so that I could go and spend time with them.

Then today ex calls and decides once again that he DOES NOT WANT TO FOLLOW THE JUDGMENT and bring the kids to me tonight - he wants me to pick them up. Ok, if this was anyone else's life, that may be a reasonable request, but considering he is my ex and - well, read my past posts - I say no and he is MAD. He tells me that the kids will have to leave a neighborhood block party early(like 10 minutes) and that he will tell the kids that it's my fault because mommy won't pick them up. (Judgment says he drops them off) So he says stepmom(OW) will be dropping them off - ok, whatever, as long as she stays in the driveway.

Then, I get a call tonight at 6pm and stepmom(OW) has invited boys to go to movies with her and her girls - Ex is going to work, so he won't be there. I already have grilled cheese sandwiches halfway made- a dinner which oldest son and I had planned together earlier that day - and ex wants ME to look like the bad guy when I say no because I had planned to have a fun evening with my boys.

I of course, having only been to confession 3 hours before, proceed to express my displeasure at ex and yell something like just keep the kids and forget their mom and then hang up. Well, ex uses this as an excuse to let them go with stepmom(OW).

I call him at 6:40pm - I ask, where are kids? He says at movies with stepmom(OW) - considering my recent past dealings with him and her he KNOWS that this is not acceptable and he says that she will return them after the movies. Then he proceeds to say that I told him to keep the kids and that he didn't think I would be there to accept them - however, they would be returned to me after the movie.

Ok, everyone, how come I would not be there to accept them before the movie but then suddenly there to accept them after???????

So, I yell at ex, probably the loudest I've ever yelled at him in his life, and tell him to have her bring me the kids. He says she has no phone - liar, he would never let her leave home without one.

So, I did what I keep backing down on doing - I typed out letter to attorney, which will be faxed on Mon - yes my attorney makes his empolyees work on holidays........ along with all evidence of ex pulling this kind of stunt in the past - like when he would take them and not tell me where they were and with whom. So that ex can be found in contempt of the custody arrangement.

It's all about the court system now.

I was foolish. Ex and I were starting to talk and then I fell back into the trap of him being able to CONTROL and MANIPULATE me. It's not his fault - it's just the pattern we fell into and I thought I was strong enough to deal with him, but looks like - nope. So I will have attorney be strong for me.

All of you here - be sure to remind me of this post whenever I begin to feel weak or back down.

AND THEN, EX JUST CALLED ME - said that there was a patient in the ER - Ex is an ER doc - who tried to commit suicide and will probably die, and well it made him think about - oh I don't really know because I cut him off before I said something really ugly besides me just telling that the kids better be here after the movie and we're going to court.

Sorry, I keep thinking that he has a soul. I keep praying for him and I think he's changing, and then his laziness of not wanting to drop off the kids sets in so that he does something so totally cruel to me that - well, this is the final straw.

Sometimes God uses your anger to get things done.

I hope Ex is scared - he is scared of going to court, because there is no turning back now.

THANKS FOR THE VENT! K

<small>[ November 09, 2002, 11:47 PM: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</small>

YIKES !!!! What an ego !!! Maybe OW(stepmom) will get tired of his charades too and go AWOL.

Keep a level head and don't let him push your buttons ( I know, easier said than done) I will lift your situation up in prayer.

My 16 YO D is having a fit right now cuz I won't let her go to get something to eat. (She hasn't done her chores) She says she's starving and we have nothing to eat. Yea right, the cabinets are full - poor baby. Oh well, she's had her little tirade and I didn't cave in or get mad. YEA!!!!

((((K))))

God bless

D.

((((((((((((((((((((GIIC))))))))))))))))))

I know you are angry, and your X is being a jerk, but remember never to do things when angry. You have until Monday to cool down a little, and then if you still feel justified, then send the letter to the attorney.

I only say this because many times I have been in your shoes, especially over the weekend (don't these things ALWAYS happen on the weekend) but by the time Monday comes, I am glad I didn't follow my knee jerk.

That being said, I think you are right, and he needs to be told to follow the order. I suggest telling him first, if you haven't already, that if he does this kind of stuff again, you will take him to court. Then if he DOES do it again, he will have to face the consquences, and cannot blame you for anything.

Love and light,

Jacky

K,

I am sorry that X is being such a jerk, ( don't think I would want him to be my doctor ever!!!!)

I am sorry, I would not fore-warn X of intentions, I would just send the stuff to the lawyer. You have to stick up for you and kids. It is not fair for your X or OW to make you out to be the bad guy. They set you up for this constantly, it's unfair!!!!!

But there are a lot of smart people here on MB and I bet we could all chime in with a way or two for you to be prepared when X or OW tries setting you up to be the bad guy with the kids, maybe if you had a plan of action instead of always having to react, you would get ahead!!!

I hope that you at least get a 24 hr period somewhere in this weekend to spend with the kids alone. Did you get the family picture of you and kids taken yet so that they can have it at dad's with them!!!!!!

Take care, keep praying and stay faithful!!!!! The Lord does take care of all of our wants and needs, sometimes we need to back off and allow him to do His thing!!!!!

Dawn

Ya'll are so great!!!!!!

Am much calmer now.

For a minute there I thought he wasn't even going to have the kids returned to me after the movie.....

Anyway, this is why I am in the middle of a child custody battle.

We are going to all be evaluated - oh how nice - in the next month and then it's off to court for a trial.

Once the judge decides upon a custody plan then I will NOT HAVE TO ENDURE THIS - or at least that's the plan.

The kids need stability as do I. Only another 6 months or so to go.......

This all sucks...... I did not endure pregnancy to have my kids with someone else 50% of the month.

Ok, just had to get that last little comment out. Now I'm all better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

At least I'm calm enough to sleep, and we'll see what tomorrow brings.........

Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts..... K

Nobody has mentioned this, but here goes:

Assumably, the OW/Step KNEW that the boys were to be returned to you, yet she invited them to go to a movie???

I'd have to make it plain to her that SHE has absolutely NO BUSINESS interfering with my time with my children..and I think that is exactly what she intended by inviting them to a movie during the time when they were supposed to be with you. It's bad enough that she's attending their functions (and no doubt, trying to horn her way in as if she was their mother), but she needs to back off. Probably, what I would do is push myself up front and center and make sure that the teachers and scout leaders understand that their father and I are the only ones who are entitled to any answers about our children.

GRRRRR! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I'm mad for you!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Is there anyway that you can get anything to prohibit her interference into your custody agreement?

GIIC,
Your posts give me strength for what I know I will have to endure. This 50/50 sucks and we have no agreement to date. But I know that the current situation strengthens my resolve to fight for my children. I love them so much.

Their dad was supposed to come at 9 am this morning, he shows up at 8 am. Idiot.
D5 says, "I don't want to go with daddy, he only wants us to keep us away from you. He doesn't love us."
We have to fight for our angels.
Our family photo didn't turn out yesterday. I'll need to try again next week. I really want one of the girls and I now.

EGADS! What a mess...but a mess that I'm VERY familiar with.

Court...excellent choice but very costly. You go enough times they finally learn their lesson. There comes a point where the judge will look and wonder where the two of you can compromise....and that compromise will probably point to you and the ex's wife.

I know this is hard, and I wouldn't suggest this if I didn't try it myself. Is there a possiblity of talking to the other woman...just you and her? Tell her how you feel about her attending the functions. Ask her how she would feel if her ex's new woman just came on the scene and took over. I know what your ex did to you is horrible, but is there a side to this that you are not seeing? Are they doing this on purpose to drive you crazy? Perhaps. What have you done action wise so far? Fought with them? Turned everything over to them?

Maybe my advise is totally off base, but it's obvious your ex has his brain cells in a different area of his body....maybe you can communicate with this woman and try to work out a compromise that way. Remember...it will also give you another point in court that you *tried* to work out parenting with her -- that in itself looks favourable to the court.

Just from experience....when I approached the other woman in a non-confrontational way...they backed wayyyyyyyyyyyyy off because it wasn't fun for them anymore. They couldn't terrorize me anymore because I was looking for solutions while still following the court orders (and yes...that included me driving to pick them up also, even though it says he's to drop them off....again, the judge *WILL* look at WHO is putting the kids first -- that bears more importance rather than who's doing the driving...JMHO).

Hi GIIC - I read most of your posts, rarely can I offer much. But one thing that worked for me and could help you, is showing your 2 oldest the custody order. You can explain that the judge set out these rules because both of you want time with the kids, and it's very important to stick with the rules to be fair, and to stay out of trouble with the courts. Your 8 yo can probably read most of it, and the 6 yo should understand the concepts. Then you explain that major activities cannot be occuring on the nights they should be coming back. A movie outing should be in the afternoon, or saved for their next visit. Leave OW, and any related value judgements, out of it. What this does is let your kids know that there are court-ordered rules, and it should remove that part of the "competition" from the arena. The 6 yo and 3 yo are probably looking up to the 8 yo, somewhat? So they will get the idea as well. I think this is a case where disseminating factual information can help you. It does not require "bad-mouthing" anybody.

I did something like this months ago, when my kids kept asking about money, and relaying conversations their Mom had about bills and who had all the money. So I showed my pay stubs to the 11 yo, and because the state deducts the money for support, the pay stubs show that about half of my net income goes to STBXW. This really solved the problem about my kids worries. Fortunately I've not had similar problems with our custody order, but if I did, I would follow the same approach.

Good luck,

Tom

K...

First of all, I am praying for you guys. And imho, I don't believe your x should have the kids 50% of the time. Nope. Not with his behavior. And not with all the problems that c ome form having OWw at his side along with her offspring.

Think you should revamp this custody thing. He should become the every other weekend dad. This is best in this case. And what I am doing. Your kids are STABLE with you. And the OWw is not helping at all. This whole custody thing is also about her. She is now pretending, note I say pretending, to the whole world that she loves these kids sooooo much. Oh she loved them so much that she put their needs way behind her needs. That is the mark of the om/ow. If she loved her man so much, she wouldn't have ripped apart this family.

Don't give in. Stand firm. I have been praying for some time and believe that this is not the best thing for your kids, having them with those people half of the time. It is too confusing. It is too damaging. You have the facts and the situation is evidence to any judge. Don't get sucked into any contact w/ow. Stand tall and above all, don't give in to them. The xH is there trying to make you feel controlled and is manipulating you. He doesn't yet realize that you are NO LONGER his property or his puppet. He can't pull your strings any longer. It is not for him to decide anymore. His actions have set all these wheels in motion in the first place.

Protect your kids. We are having to do this. I love you and think you are an incredible woman to have successfully done this much. You are an amazing woman of faith. God will in the end reward you and you are such an inspiration to me. But please don't let him get away with anything anymore. We have to be strong and DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THESE PRECIOUS CHILDREN. And that would be to see their dad, but live with mommy. And SHE IS NOT THEIR MOMMY. He made his decisions. And the courts usually give this arrangement btw...This is what I have and I will not allow any less time with my child.

"Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes you may be able to stand your ground; and after having done EVERYTHING to stand."

You can do it. We are praying and silently fighting and supporting you by your side. You are not alone...

Dear GIIC,

Just want to let you know that you and the kids are in my prayers. This whole mess is so devastating to everyone in so many ways.

Try to keep a clear head and remember to DOCUMENT everything. When he picks them up, when he delivers them...what he says on the phone. Then take it to your lawyer--especially if he is not following the court orders.

Outside of that, try to remain calm and able to think....much easier said than done, I know.

The reality of this whole mess for both you and I, is that we will be sharing our kids with exHs and their bimbos. I am trying to not sweat the small stuff--or these irritations will kill me. It is definitely not easy tho--and I still have my moments when I could kill him... I am trying to not focus on them and what they do with the kids--and just concentrate on how I can infuence them when I have them.

My gut feeling is that my exH chose his new life--he abandoned us and he abandoned our family. Now he is whining and crying about not having enough contact with the kids--so sad.... If I had my druthers--he wouldn't be allowed contact with the kids--he lost that priviledge--but unfortunately, the courts don't agree with that. So, I am trying to work with the system. I didn't have a family to go through this kind of hell...but unfortunately, we don't have much choice. All we can do is try to come up with the best possible plan that will be workable--and then try to move on with our lives. Take Care Pat

just a thought.....

Isn't it strange that we automatically *think* that these people will be loyal to their new partners. Imagine this....they left us to play the field..what's to say that they won't be playing the field with these women? Really sad when you think about it...I would NEVER want to be the other woman.. Actually I'm starting to really feel sorry. I was first, I'll ALWAYS be first til the day I die, they will always be second best, third best, fourth best....take your pick! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

And I'll ALWAYS BE NUMBER ONE FOR MY KIDS!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />