I am happy that I have full custody of my children and hopeful for the future. But I'm so sad at the loss of the marriage that never really worked, and sad for my exH. So many people say I should be angry, bitter towards him.....but I just feel sad. The judge decided he can't see the kids till he has a psych. eval. Yes, I think he is dangerous to have around the children. But I heard he cried at parent teacher conferences and smelled of alcohol. He's lost everything. Me, his children......he never had any friends. I know it's all because of his own bad choices and I suspect mental illness. I think I stayed so long because I knew I kept his world together...but it was so unhealthy for me. It's all very confusing to sort this out now. I don't understand why I don't feel any anger....shouldn't I?

You are a lucky woman to be okay with your children. With having 3 underage kids, the divorce went quickly, seems it was for the protection of you and your children. So sad to hear of the sexual history of your husband. This was a good time to get the kids out of his reach. They are safe with you, and this is a time that your husband will have to get counseling and heal. Maybe then you can have a good relationship with him, and become a family if that is what God sees for the 2 of you. This is difficult and hard, I know, we are divorcing, and my husband is making things quite difficult. Good Luck.

Annavon -- I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post here (as a refugee from TOW in search of conversation while our site is down), but your post tugged at my heart a little, & since you didn't mention infidelity as a specific issue, I thought I would take the chance of responding.

I was married for many years to a man similar to the one you describe -- a man with so many pieces of baggage in his past & present (alcoholism & abuse & possibly some mental imbalance & who knows what else), I could never even keep track of it all. And like you, I stayed & I stayed (probably long after I should have left), simply because I knew I was the duct tape that held him together. And I was terrified of what might happen -- to either of us, really -- if I left. I suppose that is true co-dependency, eh?

I would love to be able to tell you that these men often cope better afterward than you fear... that they miraculously learn to hold themselves together... but they don't, always, so be prepared for that. It often get worse before it gets better for them, & sometimes, it *doesn't* get better for them. It didn't for my ex-husband -- his crash & burn was worse than I could have ever imagined -- & it sounds as if yours might be on the road to doing the same.

But *never* allow that to influence what you need to do for yourself & your family. Those kind of people... it is not only impossible for you to "fix" them, but eventually, they will suck you down, too. In the end, it's either you or them, so protect yourself.

It is a scary thing, being on your own, but I have always compared it to people who've had open heart surgery -- they often say they never realized how bad they truly felt, until they felt better. I have been divorced for several years now, & although I do not have the added responsibility & stress of children, I have never regretted my decision for a single minute. I never saw how unhealthy my marriage was until I was standing outside of it.

And don't beat yourself up for not being bitter or pissed or self-righteously angry or whatever... I never felt much of that, either, mostly just sadness, & pity... & I like to think that's a *good* place to get to. Bitterness doesn't accomplish much -- it just means you have not yet healed. But remember, there's a big difference between understanding/accepting his illnesses, & believing *you* have to be the doctor no matter what it does to you.

I am sometimes amazed at how strong women often are compared to the men in their lives.

Good luck to you.

SmallCap

Well, I just want to say consider yourself hugged... This is a man that you once loved and you will never be the same as you were before you ever became one flesh with him... Maybe you never will feel anger towards him--even if it is sort of justified... Oh well, much of this has come upon him because the choices HE made. You are choosing NOT to enable him to compromise your health nor the health of your children any longer.

Now, you can go to the church that you believe is right for yourself and your children. Now, your ex can focus on the things that need to be submitted to God in his own life--no more excuses and no more blaming you for what goes wrong in his life! I pray that he takes responsibility for his own mindsets that might not be particularly submissive to God's Way of doing and being right. You know this is for the best but it's probably hard facing the future without him. After all, you were so used to being in an unhealthy state of mind day in and day out!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You have to get used to being "normal!" Whatever "normal" is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And single parenting is not easy, but with God's help, you can and will make it. I have faith in you!

Thanks BTDT.....you are exactly right, I don't know what normal is. I have really realized that in the last month, as a very nice, single man has been interested in me.....I told him I was not ready at all, but it became difficult to say no to "just dinner", and as we got to know each other better, I didn't handle our relationship well at all. (surprise!) It became very clear to both of us that I have focused all my relationship skills in the past years on survival, not partnership and I need time to heal myself before I can be part of a relationship again. I am so glad I have many good friends in "normal" relationships to help me grow! (Oh, and the nice guy is pretty insightful and wants to be friends and backed way off on the romantic stuff. I wouldn't mind if he was still around in a year or two....who knows?!)

I does hurt to see someone that you love(d) hurt themselves.

I am glad that you were able to have your kids put in teh right environment for their best opportunity for a healthy life - with you.

The book Rebuilding by Dr. Bruce Fisher and some other guy, was recommended to me to work through toward my growth and a healed and healthy single person. You may want to try and work through something like that to find out who you really are and what kind of person you want to become.

It is sort of exciting to realize that there is so much out there to learn and there is so much growing still to do.

May God continue to bless you on your journey. K