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Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 140
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does anyone know of a good email address or book that could tell me all about a controling X. Maybe there is another way to handle him it would make our lives easlier. I believe X has some mental problems that need to be addressed. But he wont go to counsel. X does have a overpowering mom, she runs her Daughter family & tried to do the same with ours when we moved back to his hometown. X had to go over everynight to let them know what was going on in town (was a cop). For 12 yrs we had vactions, weekends when he didnt work to her house 350 miles away. X is afraid of telling her no. He did say mom beat him with a wooden spoon & broke it on him one day. Dad beat him with a belt & left marks on him. He clings to mom & is still trying to make her happy. This may be the reason he doesnt know how to be a father to his son.

m-17 yrs. 9mts, 12 days
c-13, 29, 8 gd
x-43 me-48
d-5-02

ow-31
c-3 under 10
d-7-02
m-10

Joined: Aug 2001
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"Controlling People" by Patricia Evans is a good place to start.

You can't force a person to go to counselling, but what you can do is change yourself and how you react to what he is doing.

My ex's family is most likely the cause of much of his controlling behaviour because what he couldn't control with his family, he learned to control with his wife and children. There comes a point where you just say enough is enough.

It's not YOUR job to make him be a father to his son. Your job is to be a mother to your son, PERIOD. Start out with the book and keep posting. I have a controlling EX also...and have been in court over 42 times because of *his* issues. Realize that you are not alone, and that much of the problems result from giving him air space for his tirades. Learn how to deal with him. Another great book is Emotional Blackmail (don't remember the author.... it gives great ideas on how to handle a controlling person).

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Elan,

thanks for the information, will be visiting the bookstore tomorrow. Maybe if I knew more about his actions and how to handle it better. At first I thought it was just plain being mean, but now it seems more like his pain.
trish

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Trish....

From experience... I wanted to know why he acted the way he did because I thought it was a key to *fixing* everything. I'll tell you honestly, you may never figure this guy out. What you CAN do is work on yourself though. Going to counselling yourself, reading, being a better parent (not competing with him...but choosing to focus yourself on being a better parent). It's not about revenge, it's not about *getting him* or even figuring out what makes him tick....if you haven't done that already, you probably never will.

There are a few of us dealing with a controlling ex spouse. Part of the *controlling* comes with being sucked in and letting them push your buttons. When you figure out how he's pushing your buttons, or what triggers he uses to get you to the *crazy* stage, that's progress. It takes time, and like some of the others said, there comes a time where you just ignore it -- or you handle it totally differently.

"Controlling People" (the book) answers some of the questions you have, but may not answer all. The key to healing from all of this is focusing your efforts on yourself and improving YOURSELF and working as a good parent to your kids.

{{{hugs}}} hang in there!

Joined: Apr 2001
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In concert with "Controlling People"; I found Evans' "Verbally Abusive Relationship" to be a good companion.

FWIW

<small>[ November 10, 2002, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: Family Man ]</small>


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