Last night my stbx out of the blue told me that he wants to have a meeting between the two of us and our parents to settle things. I told him that I wouldn't agree to anything without my Attorney being present. He basically wants the two of us to have joint custody where one of us has the baby four times a week and the other three times a week and then switch the next week and so on. I don't know whether this is standard or whether he is trying to pull a fast one. My parents think that I should have the baby on weekdays and stbx have the baby on weekends and we would work out special occasions and holidays. They think he is trying to make me agree to this four day/three day thing because he knows that he doesn't have a chance against me.

I learned today that my mother is very sick and may have to be hospitalized. I told my stbx that any type of meeting would have to wait until after my mother gets out of the hospital which should be in the next couple of weeks. I told him after Thanksgiving we can pick up this conversation.

I plan on calling my Attorney tomorrow to see what her opinion is on this. He basically wants to go straight to mediation and forgo the custody battle. He told me that a friend of his and his wife were going through a divorce and they have two children and were able to settle things and get divorced in 30 days. He feels that we can do the same. He wants to be divorced quickly.

What do you think about this? I value your opinions. I'm so confused and I could use some advice! Thanks!

Hi. I would not discuss the custody without a mediator. You may be able to deal with these issues outside a battle in court, however if you agree to something without a mediator (trained mediator) then you may agree to something that is not the norm and would not be positive for your child either. I knwo custody depends on the state which you live. I lived in ca and norm there is mom has baby during the week and dad has baby every other weekend and one night each week. However, if you live in a pro-woman state it may be considerably different. In CA you MUST sit with a mediator to try to work out custody differences before the court will even see you. that was a good idea for us and worked out well. Mediation with your parents and his doesnt seem to be a good idea. just the fact that it drags too many people into a situation that is already heated seems to sway in the negative direction. it is a positive sign that he wants to talk...but make sure your atty is involved and thinks it's a good idea. Remember, child support is determined from the % of time he will have the child. If he can at least get you to sign that you will be 50/50 or anything like that then it doesnt mean he must TAKE your daughter during his court ordered time...just means he can get away with paying less. so make sure to keep that in mind. Take my word for what I am about to say....a man will do ANYTHING to keep from paying his child support. Mine just tried to reconcile with me while he was cheating on the side...hasnt paid it in months while I was stupid enough to agree to go back to him. So that just goes to show ya what a man will do to get out of paying. be careful!

Baby -

I know that I haven't checked in with you in a while... but it seems like he hasn't changed much even though you guys are going thru with the divorce.

I don't see why it has to involve your parents! You guys are grown ups. You have a child. You have an attorney to handle these custody matters now. He needs to grow up and get off of his Mommy's lap.

I'm sorry to hear about your Mom, the last thing she needs is to be dragged even further into this. Let her concentrate on her health and be your support as much as she can. That's it.

Tell your baby boy - not the one that came from your tummy, but the one you married - that his Mothers name is not on your marriage license, nor will it be on your divorce certificate.

I know this is hard - but being a single parent is hard too, and you need to toughen up a little more. Be strong, it's in you, just let it out.

Let your lawyer, the judge, the court system - let them handle things. This isn't two grade schoolers who can't get along, so now the principal calls their parents in for a meeting.

If your STBX husband had trouble at work would he have his Mom call his boss and set up a meeting with the bosses Mom?

And - I can see this possibly being used against you. You want to show the court that you are a fully functioning adult correct? That you are able to handle all matters concerning your life on your own without intervention from your parents (financial notwithstanding). Don't give anyone any ammo. Handle your life yourself. Be an adult. Don't allow his Mother to play these games.

If his Mom needs to be involved, she may call your lawyer and set up an appointment at her expense.

I'm not trying to be harsh on you dear, I just want you to stay far away from this overbearing witch MIL of yours. She is bad news and more...

E

I haven't followed your story for long, and don't know the age of your child, but there are guidelines for visitation based on the age of the child. The younger they are, the more time they need with the mother.
A book Called "The Sandcastles Way to Talk to your children about divorce" has a table in it you can show to your attorney. Don't give in on this, you'll regret giving him 50/50, unless he is a fabulous father.
Good Luck.

I am with E! That was so on point! I am off the mind that he wants joint custody, because that is the best he can hope for, but if you get it, his mother is going to be the primary caregiver on his days, you already know. Now, another reason why he would want that, is due to the impact on child support. Speak to your lawyer. Also I am with E on having your parents present. You don't need that, it is only offered so that your STBX can have his MAMA along to hold his damn hand, pathetic if you ask me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Take care of yourself and your baby. Make the best decision for you. You weren't married to your husband, you were married to his mom. He can't even think for his damn self! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hi Baby,

I cannot add to what E said. She gave you some sound advice. Until this is settled, they are going to try to pick at you and pick at you, trying to wear you down. Why does he want this settled so quickly? Follow your attorney's advice

I don't know why he wants this settled so quickly. He is probably as frustrated as I am. We cannot live together any more. We fight all the time. I was advised by my Attorney not to leave the house and he was probably advised the same thing.

I spoke to my Attorney the other day and she is going to talk to his Attorney about possibly setting up a meeting but it won't happen until my mother is out of the hospital and after I return from Vegas.

Did you discuss with you attorney your rights over the baby if you go to Vegas. You need the break. But I worry that this could hurt you.