My H asked this the other day, said he didnt know how I could love him after the way he has treated me. I am not sure what I said, somthing about how he was a great guy, listed some of his good qualities. But what I should have said is he is my family, his family is mine. He was there for me through the death of my mom. my bout with cancer, a million things through the years we were together. Half of our lives almost. How can I not love him, even if there is pleanty of behavior I didnt like lately.

What I dont undrstand is how he can not love me. How he can go from being totally in love with me years ago, to all we have meant to each other through the years to .... nothing. His seemingly total indiference to me. Thats what I cant get a grip on.

<small>[ November 10, 2002, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: Lora ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lora:
<strong>

What I dont undrstand is how he can not love me. How he can go from being totally in love with me years ago, to all we have meant to each other through the years to .... nothing. His seemingly total indiference to me. Thats what I cant get a grip on.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can relate.
My WH left without so much as a backward glance. And did NOT leave me for OW!! Just left. Wanted to NOT be M any more.

A year and a half later, hasn't looked back yet. NO sign of remorse, or second thoughts at all.
Go figure.

As near as I can tell, his "falling out of love with me" happened gradually, slowly, little-by-littel, over a period of several years. Yes, i had some things to do with it, my nit-picking, my nagging, *****ing, not being ready-willing-able for s3x any old time he wanted.

Doesnt justify what he did, but explains to me that it is a two-way-street.

I continue to wait, and hope that he will see that NOTHING OUT THERE is any better than what he had - sexual incompatibility nothwithstanding - and counseling can fix this. not to mention our long history together.

The "experts" will tel you this might take up to 2-3 years. Are you up for the wait?

Lora - oh how I know how you feel!!!! I ask myself the same thing over and over, how can he go from loving me so much to absolute nothing?? Although in my case there is the OW for him. He called me a few hours ago, after days away, to tell me that we will talk face to face, but that he has decided it is over - but first he called her to let her know his decision, although he told her she had "no obligation to him"...yeah right. It has nothing to do with her of course, it's what I've failed to do. I know how your heart hurts, the confusion and second guessing. Be strong!!! Your compassion and honest love makes you the better person by far!!! We'll both get through this, impossible as it seems now. I'l be spending the next couple of hours getting ready for my 9 am meeting with my attorney. Feeling some sort of control over my life helps. Rest well Lora. You're not alone.

Hi Lora,

My ten year anniversary is coming up in a few days, or what would be my anniversary. It's been a weird few days thinking about it, we are very apart - but our lives are so entwined there is no way that the day could just pass quietly without me noticing like I would have hoped.

The thing that is on your mind, how could he not love me, is something that I have on my mind a lot. And I wonder what is wrong with me too, like what is it that is so bad or ugly or defective about my person that he couldn't love me...

You are a 3thou and I'm a 7thou but I can't remember if we've crossed paths much - it's 3:43am - so forgive my no sleep brain. I'll give you the quick story. Scott aka [censored] had a soulmate girlfriend (23, blonde, skinny, party girl) and they were engaged before I knew she existed. He was working for many months out of town where she lived on a construction project. The last day of the project he fell four stories and was horribly injured. He was expected to die. I flew there immediately, after he came out of SICU she called and wanted to visit. I asked if she wanted me to stay or go - she wanted to see him alone, I told her what to expect and asked nicely that if he happened to soil himself during the visit to please start to clean him up after buzzing for the nurse. She hung up and that was the end of her.

There is a point to this, really... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I actually hate going thru that story.

Well, his family is pretty out of the picture. Not even a card, although they were interested when they heard I got a free trip out to where he was.... they wanted in on that, but when they found out the company would only fly them out for one night...... They don't help care for him now, have never sent our kids birthday or Christmas cards...

I was a good wife I think. I was faithful, I like to think I am a kind person, I always tried to do my best. My family treated him very well, we went on big family vacations together and they helped us out financially when things got tough... and that happened a few times.

I was overweight, but not horrible... and I am pretty.

I go over these things in my head sometimes...

I used to do it all the time. I used to cry and wonder what was so wrong with me.

I could make lists of the things a wife was supposed to do, and I did pretty much all of them. I was happy and willing in bed, not only did I say yes, but I would initiate too. I was game for new things - and suggested some also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I cooked well, I kept the house clean 80% of the time, and taught our first little one to read at 4.

When money was tight I would take in daycare kids and a few times I got a regular job, and I also asked my folks for a little hand too.

I tried. I went to marriage counseling. But it didn't work. He didn't like the counselor, so I found another one. Years later I find out it didn't work because he never bothered to tell the counselor or me that he was messing around the whole time.... All the times his beeper went off and he got called into work, and when he was going to work and taking classes... the times he would go to the library to study because the kids were too loud...

I know in my mind that the reason he cheated was not because of something that was wrong with me. I know in my mind that I am not unloveable, defective, or disgusting. But sometimes in my heart I feel that way...

I don't have those moments that often anymore... but they do still come. Especially now, since the anniversary is coming up.

And because I have to look at him all the time, it makes it hard. He has a brain injury so I can't ask him and get a lucid answer about the reasons for him cheating. I have to kind of make them up. I hate looking at him sometimes, it makes me so angry. Here I am, taking care of this man who must have really hated me, and for some stupid reason I loved him so much. And I don't even understand what was so wrong with me.

Why was I so bad that he had to go and get a blow job from a prostitute when I was sitting at home waiting for him to come home from work? Did I not satisfy him so much that he had to spend $3.99 a minute on a phone sex call in the basement when I was upstairs one night reading a book thinking he was just working on his projects?

I don't know. I never will. I will never understand.

With the Harleys they say things about the BS taking responsibility for their part. I can't even find where my part is to take responsibility for. I can't say that I missed some EN that the OW met because there were no ENs being met by OW's - they were mainly just hookers and strippers... I guess that he is a sex addict so the rules probably don't apply there. But still, even with that explaination, I have the question.

It's now 4:30am. I've written for 45 minutes, and I guess all I'm saying is that I know what you mean.

How can he not love me?

But - I can tell you that the question does fade a bit with time. Scott's been out of the house for one year this month. I know my situation is weird... and the fact that I'm involved with him daily is not making healing faster in any way, but I still see progress - big progress. I've had some dates, and enjoyed a few of them.

I think we just need to keep reminding ourselves that it really is their loss... I know how awesome I am... I have to be to take care of the guy that betrayed me. I'd make a great catch. You would too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

E

For me, I cant understand either. I bent over backwards trying to please him but H is an addict, anything but drug of choice is painkillers.

Drugs have stopped his maturity, and have even regressed his maturity.

He said last week (he left 10-5), you must have seen this coming, we never got along anyway.

Thats not true, the only things we argued over was drugs and alcohol, and OW, but OW was result of severe addiction to oxycontins.

We got along great. Loved to do the same things. long walks on the beach, snooping in tidal pools and jettys, canoeing and fishing walks in the woods etc. In aug we went to lake george, just him and me. He treated me like we were on our honeymoon, told me he loved me, had a great time, but I found phonecard in his wallet, and day we got back i bought tape recorder and put in his car. Sure enough, his first day back at work, he made love to me in the morning before he left for work, told me he loved me and then went and met her for lunch. Asked her if she missed him while he was gone, told her everything he did on HIS vacation, not what we did

How he went wave running, and didnt mention that I was holding on laughing in his ear etc.

I have come to realise, that all the great times we had together, he was putting love deposits in my account and I am totally in love with him, but because of his addictions, my deposits werent being recorded. Like they never happened.

For a long time I have noticed I would mention something fun that we had done in the past, or something funny that had happened and he wouldnt remember. Id say something like, it was so funny, you dont remember??? and he really wouldnt.

So all the times I did nice things, supported him, told him I appreciated things, he only got temporary gratification, nothing permanently registered to make him love me.

and because of OWs age and H's need to feel young OW is more appealing. Its just another addiction for him, she makes him feel good, anotheer high, and I know it wont last long, hell have to add to the high and soon he will be seeking out the painkillers again. I dont think he has had any since aug, but after that he traded drugs for alcohol again

I saw him Sat and realized that he has put on quite a bit of weight in the last month (food is also an addiction for him) so next step will be painkillers to get the focus off his food addiction

So yeah, I guess what I cant understand is how he can choose this destructive lifestyle over me and his 4 children.

{{{Lora}}}

I really empathize with your feelings, but I see his refusal to acknowledge the love that you once shared as his loss, not yours. Even though it's painful, your ability to feel that love validates the time you spent together, as you said, almost half your lives. How empty his revisionist version of your history together sounds!

Sunrise 1,

I could have written your post with changes to the details:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I bent over backwards trying to please him but H is an addict...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Drugs have stopped his maturity, and have even regressed his maturity.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> the only things we argued over was drugs and alcohol, and OW, but OW was result of severe addiction... We got along great. Loved to do the same things. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We also argued with my H's obsession that I was still in love with an old boyfriend I broke up with before I met him, about 22 years ago!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure enough...he made love to me in the morning ...told me he loved me and then went and met her...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In our case, he went home to her and told her that he was at work when he was actually with me - as though I was the OW and she was the BS!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have come to realize that all the great times we had together, he was putting love deposits in my account and I am totally in love with him, but because of his addictions, my deposits weren't being recorded. Like they never happened....So all the times I did nice things, supported him, told him I appreciated things, he only got temporary gratification, nothing permanently registered to make him love me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Great observation! I never thought of it like this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...and because of OWs age and H's need to feel young OW is more appealing. Its just another addiction for him, she makes him feel good, another high, and I know it won't last long...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So yeah, I guess what I cant understand is how he can choose this destructive lifestyle over me and his ... [family].</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN

Sorry I couldnt get back here for awhile, and then when I was ready to post tonight the site was down.

Thank you all for you kind words, support and insights.

Ncog,
Its actually been 3 years already for me, and I guess I have given up and will not wait any more.I need to take better care of myself, and living alone seems preferable to living with someone who is so distant.

broken,
Yes, its hard isnt it to feel unloveable and discarded. My H ended his affair and still doesnt want our marriage. But I am getting OK with it, slowly.

JTW,
LOL, Of course I have followed your story, lurker that I am... and also from Wi. I havent posted alot in the past year tho so proably never wrote to you. I have been in counseling working hard to beleive I am a catch... not quite there yet, but I do beleive he willl never find any one as tolerant, as forgiving as I was.... of course I dont think I will ever be that tolerant or
forgiving again so watch out!

Sunrise,
Drugs and alcohol add a specail pain I think, I'm sorry you have had to deal with all this.

Letstry,
When I talked to my counseler and read part of the exercises I have been doing, one was I didnt think I ever convinced him that I cared for him and respected him and she said, do you know why that is? Because he doesnt care and respect himself.......