This will be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas since we were married 11 years ago that we won't be together. It will also be the first in which we have to decide how to work with our children. We also need to figure out how to do Christmas as well.

I am not sure what I am capable of. I truly don't know whether I can hold it together in the same house as she is for dinner or presents. I just don't know. I would like to, but I am so unsure about myself that I just don't know. I don't think that things would bother her that much. She just isn't as affected by anything as I am it seems.

Anyway, we have joint custody at 50/50 time. any ideas about how to handle our boys and time would be greatly appreciated. I don't know whether I could be without them, but I don't know if I can be around her in this situation either. I saw her today and felt completely confused. I just don't know what to think anymore. I once thought that I was through and that I felt nothing for her. But sometimes I think that was just a defense against my caring and love. I just don't know.

I do know that I hate this. I hate everything about this in every aspect that I could possibly hate it. My children seem to be feeling it more and more. I think the initial interest in two houses has worn off and now the tediousness of the situation has began to sink in for my boys.

Anyway, any ideas on how you have handled holidays in such a situation and how you might do it differently would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Dear FC
I don't have any advice but I do understand how much you dread the holidays. These will be the first without my mother. So I feel like I will be expected to fill her shoes. Throw into the mix our martial situation and I just want to stay in bed until Jan 2. But I have lost alot this year. I could not help my mother dying. But I refuse to let my H steal the holidays from what is left of my family. I am going to decorate if it kills me. I will bake up a storm. While our xmas will not be as good materially it will not lack effort on my part. Throw into the mix three dec. birthdays and the budget will be stretched. My advice to you and my H would be to look at the big picture. It is not about you, my h, or your w, it is about your children, your family, and her family. Jan. & Feb. will be cold enough not to at least have some good memories for your kids to hang onto. All that will keep my H from spending the holidays with our kids will be him. Don't make his mistake with your family.

FC - Last year - after ex had left and we were separated waiting for divorce waiting time period to elapse, we split Thanksgiving - ex had kids for lunch - around noon - and he celebrated it with his family and then he brought the kids for dinner at my house for about 5 or 6pm so that they could have dinner with my family.

As for Christmas, we had always run around like crazy people for the holidays, but for Christmas eve, the kids had dinner with my family, then went with ex for his traditional Christmas caroling at his aunts, then the kids went home with me. He arrived at 7am at my house so he couls see the kids reaction to Santa coming, then kids went with him to his parents for lunch and presents and then kids were back at my parents house in the evening for dinner and presents.

This leads to a VERY LONG TWO DAYS and I always hated it. So this year we are doing what all the traditional divorced families do - and that is start to split the holidays by having the kids every other year - so I got Halloween, Ex got Thanksgiving(although he is working this year during it), the I get Christmas Eve and Christmas day and ex gets Christmas Day afternoon/evening, and probably New Year's Eve/Day.

Usually you alternate holidays - everyother one and then alternate years - like all the odd years you'd have one holiday schedule and then on all the even years you'd have another.

However, it's really up to whatever you and your w want to work out. Since I do not get along with my ex, we won't be sharing holidays, not to mention he has a new wife and step kids, and they probably don't want me around either. And my presence simply reminds his family of the horrible thing that he's done, so they'd rather pretend that I'm not there.

This is a tough question. I hope others respond.

K

This will be our first year as legally separated and going through a divorce. My H family, never did anything, so it was always at my parents house for x-mas, but this year will be different, my father passed away this year, and my mother does not want to have it.

So I will probably have dinner, and invite family over for x-mas day. No x-mas eve, this year, why, cause I don't want it. I only want to do one day of dinner and family, and use the x-mas eve day time to be with my church and worship. I think this is more important, and if the kids want to come, they can, and if they don't so be it. I will probably inivte my husband, not sure. Since he has shown no interest in religiion, or church.

This is especially hard for the families too as well as the kids. The kids get shuffled around, and the families don't know what to say. I know this is going to be a hard year, and I would love to take the kids and go away, but $$ is not available. If possible, would love to go to a warm climate and sunshine. My children are young adults, and this is hard for them. I have already been talking with our oldest, and just said, the happiness is not there, and the money situation is not there. So we will have to do with whatever we can.

I know the kids are sad, but that is what my husband wants, and I am going through with it, because he does not love me, or care for me either.

One thing that is especially nice, is to maybe start a routine with your young kids that you and the kids have for the holidays. Something that is just you and your kids. Maybe sing happy birthday to Jesus in the morning, we used to do that, and I added words of praise for Jesus. Or make a x-mas morning breakfast together. Read something from the bible, before starting the presents. Maybe this is the time to take and make a gift for an elderly couple in the neighborhood that doesn't have family. The kids could make a big x-mas card to them, and you could buy something at salvation army, or just during your making food days, put some meals in the freezer for them. But just to have a card made from the kids with their hands, and giving some gift from the heart is so meaningful to them.

The Lord knows we are all hurting, and I wish he would take our pain away, patience is so hard when you are hurting.

This is the first time in two years I am not dreading the holidays. Two years ago was right when the whole affair thing was brought to light, and he couldn't decide who he wanted to be with, and last year was the first one not together as a family. This year I am looking forward to them again - hooray!!!

We do every other year for Thanksgiving - (It is defined as Wed. night at 5:00 until Thursday night at 5:00 in our agreement.) Christmas is split - he gets them Christmas Eve day and night, and returns them around 9:30 pm. I get them Christmas Day. He also gets them for additional days during the Christmas break since he is in education and has those days off. Last year I cried all the way through the Christmas Eve service since there were 4,345 happy families there, and I missed my children. But then my sister came over and we did last minute present wrapping and had some microbrew beer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm determined to stay positive and do fun things when I don't have the kids, and enjoy the time I do have with them. I'm so thrilled to NOT be dreading Christmas this year! Good luck to all who are going through the "first time without" thing. It sucks, but it does get better.