My H and I are pending divorce. He is posting on another board, and I finally after reading the stuff on and off, said I have to defend myself. I came back with the truth, and what happened is the ballistic attitude of H, and coercing me with manipulation again.

I don't understand why a spouse will be so untruthful when they themselves tell everyone all he wants is radical honesty.

Yesterday, he told me to call off my lawyers, cause they are going to take him to court. The reason I guess is cause he hasn't done discovery, and he told me yesterday, that he will do it when he is ready. He said they are getting at him, because of his weakness with organizational skills. So he coerced me with verbal abuse, saying that if I don't agree, that I was with my lawyers. I didn't even know a letter went out. I don't really know what is going on, except when I get a call from my laweyr, or get a letter. I have been doing everything that has been asked for from the beginning.

Yes, Husband does have a hard time doing things when asked to do them. I bascially said, why don't you do the stuff required, and he said he will when he wants to. I said maybe you should make it a priority, and he said he doesn't want to. He was not nice, cursed me out, and hung up on me. Like this is my fault, he is the one that wanted the divorce, he is the one that had an affair, he is the one who committed adultery, he is the one that abused me, and now I am to call off my lawyers, cause he is not ready.

I have been talking to myself all day, I talk and talk. I try to figure things out, but you know what, this had made things worse. All I see is a man who is selfish, he wants me to do everything in this divorce (paperwork, I had to file after he abused me, he didn't want to be the bad guy, I had to get the appraisers on the houses, I had to turn in paperwork, there is so much that I had to do) and he tells me he works hard every day. He does work hard, but so do I. I am recovering from rotator cuff surgery after my husband dragged me around by the arm. Just had surgery in October. He doesn't feel the pain I am feeling. But he wants me to back my lawyers off. He doesn't come here and say, how can I help around the house. He doeson't say, can I buy you and the kids some dinner to bring home. He doesn't say, can I rake the yard, or things of that order.

So things are not getting done, and I basically am letting a lot go. The house I was really working hard at to pack his stuff, and box it and label it. But now, I read, sleep, go to PT 3xweek, counseling 1/week. Not much I can do, without pain.

So is it my problem that he hasn't set a priority to get the paperwork done? Should I cancel the lawyer? I am getting more and more afriad to do anything around here. I am still manipulated by my husband, and he has said on the other board, he does not love me, he does not want to date me, he does not want to meet my needs, he does not want me to meet his needs. Why should I meet his needs now?

Hi Cry2Much! I'm sorry this is happening to you. No wonder you're a wreck - your husband is having all this "fun" on his own and he expects you to do all the work! Ha! Pack his stuff?! I'd be telling him - YOU get over here and pack your own stuff - I'm NOT your personal slave. He did the moving out, etc. then HE has to pay the consequences. Have you been in contact with any Christian counselors for their advice on this matter - the stuff he's ordering you to do? He's a controlling manipulator - I hate to see spouses treat their mates like this, no matter what sex they are. Of course, I don't know the 'rest of the story' as Paul Harvey used to say, but then again, I'm only commenting on what I read on your post. I definitely would NOT call any lawyers off - if I were you, I'd be going 'full speed ahead', after all, if you had your way, there wouldn't be any lawyers because you wanted to stay married - so it's like, well, HE began this mess so he's going to have to go along with what he started! He's got a real attitude-adjustment due him - maybe your lawyers can give it to him.
Hope this helps - and please, stand up for yourself. Get with a Woman's Group for abused spouses - there are other kinds of abuse other than physical: there's verbal, emotional, sexual, etc.
Please get some help - this is too much for just you on your own. Lawyers can help to some extent, but there is emotional support and help - please find a group. Coming to MB is a great start - many of the folks here have been thru similar situations like you and they can give real solid advice.
How about it? Can someone else jump in here and offer some advice?
God bless you in this trying time.
Harold

cry2much,

You wrote: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Yesterday, he told me to call off my lawyers, cause they are going to take him to court. The reason I guess is cause he hasn't done discovery, and he told me yesterday, that he will do it when he is ready. He said they are getting at him, because of his weakness with organizational skills. So he coerced me with verbal abuse, saying that if I don't agree, that I was with my lawyers.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And then you asked: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>So is it my problem that he hasn't set a priority to get the paperwork done? Should I cancel the lawyer? ... he has said on the other board, he does not love me, he does not want to date me, he does not want to meet my needs, he does not want me to meet his needs. Why should I meet his needs now? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to explain something to you in very simple terms. You are a grownup and so is your STBX. You are responsible for how you act, and he is responsible for how he acts. He behaved in a way that pushed this divorce forward by having an A and not doing what he had to do to repair that hurt he had caused you. You behaved in a way that hurt the marriage too, by getting a little crazy and blameful from the pain you were in from the A, but you never wanted a divorce and you were mostly acting out of your pain (which is understandable).

The facts are clear and simple. He does not want to cooperate. Period. He wants the divorce and will not lift one finger to repair the marriage or reconcile with you...and that is his right to decide. BUT he also wants to control the divorce and have it all come out HIS way, and that is not his right. The TRUTH is that no matter how you behaved and he behaved, you each have things you MUST get done for this divorce, and it is not his option to decide "when he is ready." That day is past, and it passed him by when he decided to move forward on the divorce rather than reconciling. He lost the priviledge of deciding "when he was ready" on that day.

From that point forward, your attorneys look out for your best interest and do not consider if it will be good for him. From that point forward, your attorneys hold him accountable TO THE LAW...it is not his to decide. In past, he was not held accountable for his actions and he did not have to pay the consequence if he decided to do it his way and d*mn all others! Guess what?? He can't do that anymore.

This is really simple, cry2much. He chose to divorce rather than reconcile. Fine. It's a painful, horrible decision but he made it. Then he is accountable to respond to the court according to the law. This has NOTHING to do with you, and you are not the bad guy here. DO NOT EVEN FALL FOR THAT LIE. Cry2much, he is an adult. If he has poor organizational skills and he knows it, then when he got the discovery papers, he could have gotten someone to help him organize! Period. The simple truth is that he MUST (it is not optional and it is not YOU) fill in the discovery paperwork fully and honestly by "such and such" date or he is breaking the law. If he does not comply, it is HIS BAD CHOICE not yours that is punishing him. All he had to do was start to organize when he got the discovery papers...or ask someone for help...or turn stuff over to his lawyer and pay for it to be organized for him...

He made none of these choices.

He deliberately and consciously chose, as a grown-up, adult to ignore the papers and do it "when he wanted to." Well, you can't do that.

This is simple, cry2much. Don't call off your lawyers. For once, allow your STBX to suffer the consequences of HIS CHOICES. He is going to tell you that YOU are the bad one and YOU did this to him, but DON'T YOU LISTEN. Let me repeat that:

DON'T YOU LISTEN!!!!

He has two choices. Comply with your lawyers and fill out discovery -OR- go to court for failure to comply, which will not look good for him in the divorce. It's that easy. Let HIM choose and let HIM suffer the consequences of his actions.

Don't you DARE call off your lawyers! Be strong and be brave and think of your own best interests!! Hugs and courage!!

CJ

Is he crzay?!?!??! Wait, I think you already answered that.

Of course he wants you to call off the lawyers.

Mine keeps singing the same song too.

They do not want to be held accountable for their actions.

It is not YOU doing anything to him. It is simply the negative consequences of his actions that he is feeling.

If he doesn't want the lawyers, the you sot down with YOUR lawyer and make out YOUR wish list and then give it to him.

Tell him if he doesn't want the lawyers then to give you what YOU want.

It is up to H's lawyers to get him to turn in discovery because if they don't - guess what - HE LOOSES and YOU WIN, or at the very least HIS ATTORNEYS ARE FINED! OR THEY HAVE TO PAY YOUR ATTORNEY FEES.

Next time he calls, just say, the lawyers handle the legal stuff, I don't have anything to do woth it and then DON'T talk to him about it.

It's all about control,and if you are letting him control you - do what my counselor told me to do - DO NOT TALK TO HIM. It's that simple.

It's hard at first, but then you become VERY HAPPY without having to deal with all of the emotional blackmail that they put you through.

Trust me, you will be happier not having to talk to him. Try it. You may like it.

K

Wednesday, Husband came over, we talked on Monday to set up a time, and once again Husband couldn't come up with a set time. So I set 10am, and he still couldn't agree. So I said, I will give 1 hr. either way. I called him at 10:30am asking if he is coming over and he said he is leaving in a few minutes, will I watch the phones. The business line rings here at this house and then at the house he is living in and at his mothers house. He came in about 30 minutes later.

I waited and decided to look something up on the computer. I was typing and I heard him come in and he did a few things, what (I don't know), and called to see if I was coming down to talk. I said, yes, in a minute. We went into the living room and he asks for copies of the papers my lawyer had drawn up, and he has the initial 3or4 papers, but he wants my copy. So I get it, and state please don't take the papers apart (stapled) and don't write on it. He sits on the couch, and gets his pencil and is going to write on my copy. I said, please don't, he gets paper from the computer room, and complains that he won't beable to keep track of where he is. But I don't want my copy messed up.

Anyways, we start into what this divorce means. And basically financial is what he came up with, economics. I said, health, stating my health is deteriating, and he said, economics. Everything is economics. I started in on health, not having health insurance cause he has not reinstated health insurance, and stated to me that day, he plans on not having health insurance. We talked about this house I am in, and the house he bought with Mrs. X in her state of Arizona. I told him I want this house, so our youngest can finish HS here, and the other 2 that I am feeding that are going to college, can live here too. He doesn't give me a cent towards their food, etc,. I stated that I want this house and the house in Arizona, or he can pay me back the settlement money I put into the house in ARizona. The settlement money was from the arm surgery I had because of an accident. He already used quite a bit of it towards stock. And he swooned me into buying the house in Arizona. And I have e-mails that state he bought the house for his Mrs. X and him. In his writting.

Anyways, he went ballistic, and the conversation went into that he was to pay me for the money he spent on Mrs. X, and he came back with that he doesn't have to. I said, I was busting my butt off while he was in her life, and spending money on her. I was running the business and doing all the paperwork while he was telling me lies, about he and her, and my figures were wrong in the books, while he was taking money out and giving it to her.

Anyways, the situation deteriated into how bad I was, how I won't cooperate, cause my lawyer is taking husband to court on Dec. 6 for not doing discovery, not having things that he has sent notarized, not having insurance, and not reinstating his health insurance and more. Plus he insulted the judge, court system, lawyers.

Husband, got up and threw the papers of mine, and said I will see you in court. I can't settle anything with husband. I told him about 3 times while in the house to lower his voice, he yells when he is trying to control me, and I told him I am right here. He left, and I went to make a call, and he came back in and said this is going to cost thousands of dollars. I said just do discovery, and he said, what if he doesn't do discovery till 10 years from now. It is all him again, and why is everybody beating up on him. He told me the lawyers are using his disorganizational skills against him. Like my lawyers are saying husband is not organized. Lets use every trick possible to play into this disorganization. Husband blames everyone else for his faults. Anyways, he left again and came back again, and said, remember we don't have a lot of money, and we will have to sell this house to pay the bills. Then he takes out a bill, and crumbles it and throws it at me. He said this is for doing his shirts. I took and did all the shirts that husband had that needed repair. Sewed all the buttons on with clark coat thread, every button. I mended all the tears and rips. And washed all the shirts, and ironed the sleeves and collars. I did this out of my heart. And I told him that I didn't want the money, I did it out of my heart, he said he didn't want my heart.

He speeded out of the driveway, and I would probably say, if I had a recorder in his vehicle, that I was called the F B*t*h again. He was mad, hostile, and verbally abusive, and you could see the anger again. This man needs anger management, and I wish he would go.

Anyways, he was really cold, and I just agree with all he says now. Today, I was napping, after physical therapy, cause I have to take narcotics, cause the physical therapy hurts. And he was in the house when I woke up. I went downstairs, and from now on I will stay in my bedroom. He goes into how was physical therapy. Explained that I am going 3 days a week again. I told him this earlier. But what I say doesn't seem to sink in. And he said why 3 days, cause the Dr. ordered it, cause my shoulder was starting to freeze. I had rotator cuff surgery from my husband pulling and dragging me around, and he caused the 3 tears in my shoulder, and he will not take accountability for the shoulder pain.

Then he looks at the papers I had in a pile for him. And says, you going to pay Comcast Bill. I said no. I can't afford it, I don't work, don't have an income, except for what he gives me, and he doesn't give me money for the 2 college kids living in my home. He says, so the kids won't have internet service, and I said I assume no. That they won't have cable TV, and I said I assume no. I can't afford it, and therefore I have to be responsible for the payments, and therefore this is one thing that will be eliminated from this house. I also said, when the divorce is final, the business line will be out of this house, and I will be getting a new phone #.

He just said, so you don't want internet, and I said no, I can't afford it.

He doesn't see, that I am in a sticky situation. I don't work, havent worked outside the house since 1990, when I was injured on the job. I have been working for husband full time since 1990 without pay, and partime for 8 years before that. But he does not see anything wrong about not giving me more money.

I don't understand him. He will beable to get a job anywhere he goes. He is a good troubleshooter. He does air-conditioning and heating install and repair. He is good, but disorganized. I did everything for him, but the calls, and I did a grand job. But he does not see where I was beneficial at all.

Now, he wants me to have all this internet, cable, and etc, for the kids. But for me, heck no, I don't need anything.

We have a court date in January to have pre-settlement. And there is a reason for Husband to go to court. He has had 2 1/2 - 3 months to get this stuff in, but he chose to not do it. And there is a time limit, and the time limit is coming up. All I want is to get this over with, get him out of here totally, get his stuff out, and he can move to Arizona to his Mrs. X, or wherever. He has shown no attention to me during my recooperating from surgery. Just an occasional how are you. But during his time of his surgeries, I was there hand and foot.

I guess a taker takes and takes, and will never give. So this is where I am, hsuband manipulated me with threats, and unthoughtfulness. Basically is cold, and not caring. Basically is selfish and demanding. But you know, he will get his time at the gates of heaven. God knows who had an affair, who committed adultery, who abused who, and who is being unkind and unthoughtful. I am glad that I have God in my heart, and a good church. Why can't he just do what is asked, instead of keep saying I will do it my way and no other way. If he wanted this divorce, seems he would be doing everything possible to cooperate. He keeps telling me I am not cooperating. But I am, that is the point, I do what my lawyer asks, and he sits and sits. Blaming me and my lawyers for attacking him. I don't think this will ever sink in with him. I see a selfish MLC man, who cares nothing about his wife of 24 years, and nothing about her future. This man is only out to destroy me, and I will not let him. I am here to fight for my life. He doesn't care about my future, but I do.