Okay, my H is coming back home tomorrow after being away for almost a week, to take time to think because he doesn't feel anything for me anymore. Talked to him last night by phone and he basically told me that he has made up his mind he wants a divorce - but first he called the OW to tell her that we were going to get a divorce, but it was not because of her, he just needs to do this, he doesn't want to be married anymore. Mind you he has admitted, and I have email letter proof, that they had a torrid affair for almost 5 years. So I feel certain that she has "nothing" to do with his decision...then why call her? Before me?? yeah, right. He spent the afternoon talking to my 22 year old daughter telling her he doesn't hate me he wants to be my friend and still do things together, like go to a concert later this week that we had tickets for for awhile. Will this be before or after he sees his attorney? Will he he even see an attorney to really do anything?? He likes me to do the hard stuff first, then he can say see, she filed. He told her that anything more than a 50/50 split would be very unfair (!!!) and he is scared of the whole process and not getting to see his youngest daughter as much as he'd like (probably because he knows I know he is into internet porn and I don't want her anywhere near that). He insists that he has no plans to have an immediate relationship with the OW again, but he would not rule out the possibility of one in the future, maybe a year down the road. He says he is a very sexual being...I think he's 50 going on 18 again...he wants the thrill of the chase and conquering women with his style and sex appeal and old wifey-poo puts a crimp in his style. Geez, I think I'm going to go nuts. One minute I'm crying, the next minute I'm saying this is impossible, I want out. Help!! Should I go to this concert with him? My inclination is not, but my daughter and her boyfriend were looking forward to going with us. And don't you think it odd that he would think I would still want to go with him? Hey lets get a divorce, but we can still go to this concert....seems arrogant to me.

broken x 3 - ok you know this doesn't sound crazy to me it actually sounds quite familiar - my husband and I got divorced on 9-18 and we were seperated in April - mind you none of this was my doing - he had the affair or affairs not sure - still on Mother's Day we actually went to the moview and out to eat with the kids - I don't remember what we did for fathers day but I am sure it was something- he still came and hung around my house all of the time - and sometimes he still does though not as long - and the only thing I can say is that it has been very hard on me - It is like I didn't want this you did - so why should you be able to hang around - why should you have anytime with me what so ever.. I can honestly say that this affair and divorce came out of left field for me - and yes I have been hanging on - definately way to long - especially in everyone elses opinion - but I know the desperation you feel and I know the secret hidden hope maybe if I go to the concert he will realize that he doesn't want a divorce - I have never hit anger as a permanent feeling yet - but I have gotten mad as hell - but I think that you need to decide what is best for you - do you want this marriage - is going to this concert going to make you feel better ??? Or is it going to make him feel not as guilty - I have this womans group that I go to once a month and they told me that divorce is a way of life.... I say you have to protect yourself - you need some medication - I cried for the first 6 or 7 months but since I have been on medication it is few and far between - also - on the GQII board there is alot more traffic and people respond a little quicker - I also decided ok fine you want a divorce we will get one - but we filed jointly - the lawyer was mine and he represented himself but she worked for both of us - it only cost like $ 1450.00 and we made all decisions our self - I kept the house and the mortgage and the kids and the pets - he basically walked away with not much - and an agreement to get his equity when my youngest graduates from High School - she is in 4th grade - So you can do it together - But you have to decide if this is what you want -- I hope I helped somewhat....

I know that H's actions seem a little strange right now, but remember - he probably doesn't kow what he's feeling either with regard to what he really wants with his life.

He's just doing whatever feels good for the moment, whether it hurts you or not. He's not thinking abut your feelings right now - only his, at least that's what it sounds like.

Did you ever read Surviving an Affair? If H really has broken it off with OW then he will be going through withdrawal - and that is very painful and very powerful. He may be trying to breal free but it takes a very strong person to do it so he may very well slip back.

What YOU have to do is to quit REACTING to his emotions - because they are all over the place, and figure out what YOU need to so to keep yourself together.

Will you feel better doing Plan A? Doing the James Dobson Love Must BE Tough Approach?

You are in alot of pain right now because of his decision and you may really not be able to do anything.

But be sure to use your support system and see a counselor to help you sort through some of your feelings.

But do what will make YOU happy because right now save maybe Plan A - nothing will make your H happy and by trying to play to him - you will only get depressed and frustrated.

Hanf in there, and may God send you some peace. K

Thank you both for your support and prayers. I do know that prayer works because it's the only thing that could get me through today. H came back to town last night, didn't tell me he was, and stayed at a local motel. I had this feeling "something" was up and was in town this morning, saw his car at the lawyers office. He filed. Then from the lawyers he went back to the motel and guess who was waiting for him?? He had promised me in his last phone call that when he came home he would talk to me, see me, not her - I mean, I am a bit involved here. So I waited at the motel for the two of them to "check out". Told them both they were lost souls, couldn't tell the truth if they tried, were ruining lives - hey I was very calm and I know my words will do no good, but I said what I had to say.
So this is real. This is real. I had to confront it, if that makes any sense. He is going to have to live in the downstairs basement bedroom for now = I can't prevent it, although my own legal paperwork is rolling and I am much better organized then he is, so maybe it won't be that way for long. For my daughter's sake, I have to maintain a civil attitude and it's easy right now because I feel nothing - I'm numb. Then he had the nerve to say, trust me, I'll be fair we'll do a 50/50 split, you'll be okay...TRUST!!!!! Then he wanted to know if we would still all be together for Thanksgiving, what a nice example that would be for our daughters...you know, a really civilized divorce in action...
So THANKS maw64 and GIIC, for keeping me sane and not driving off a cliff somewhere. I know there is life after this, you two are blessed examples.
I'll make you proud of me.

Broken - I am so sorry for you - but maybe since you confronted it head on - it has given you the power to take control and take care of yourself and not waver - and put yourself and your children first and not your husband - It hurts it really does but for some strange reason I envy you that you saw it for your own eyes and really got the truth instead of having to second guess yourself about what is fact and what is fiction... Keep on posting - these people here are so helpful and they can all really relate to your feelings one way or the other - Take care of you.....Good luck.....

{{{{{{Broken}}}}}}

I am so sorry you had such a day. Do somthing to take care of yourself. Keep posting, we have all been through it, and its usually helpfull to know you are not alone.

I dont know how long it is since you discovered the affair, but really they all say unbeilveable things.