I need some advice on how to deal with a man who won't talk. My H and I had a huge fight last night. I have thought about things and I have some idea on why he acts the way he does.. He is a jelous person and he has a problem with trust. Ever since we were together he has been jelous and he has always thought I was going to leave him for somebody better. I think a lot of it has to do with his mother and his self confidence. She got pregnant with him young, and the birth father left - he only has a picture of him. He has only told me once about this and it was never discussed again. His sisters (10 yrs) younger asked me about it, they told me that it was never talked about which I am sure made him feel bad, like it was a big dark secret. His mom married and her H adopted him at age 5. We have had a huge amount of problems with his mother, she is currently taking anit-depressants, she is a gambler. She is very controlling and does that through guilt trips. She has said some pretty horrible things about me and my H. She then just pretends everything is okay and never acknowledges any conflict that arose. Its just a big game with her. It all came so crystal clear last xmas, her affection is so fake - how can you give somebody a big hug and a kiss and then at the same time hand you a letter that says horrible horrible things. From this backround I see that he deals with all our conflicts the same way, they are never discussed, he just wants to drop it and go on. I have told him that in order to resolve things they need to be discussed, he just doesn't get it. Even when he drops a problem it stays there and it turns into resentment. He just doesn't get how bad this is for us. His jelousy is a real problem, he doesn't trust me, he has accused me of sleeping with my co-workers, our friends, other people. We went away for a weekend with a bunch of couples a couple of weeks ago and I was very careful to stay sober and I didn't even dance with anybody else but him, even though some of our other friends asked me to dance - which I felt stupid turning them down b/c of his jelousy. Every single time we danced he would say "are you sure you want to dance with me, theres lots of cowboys here to dance with" or you can dance with someone else if you want to" IT was so infuriating, it basically ruined my night. He really hurt me bad last year with an accusation of me sleeping with a friend of ours, he accused me of some really horrible things . This really hurt me b/c there is no truth to it and no reason for him to even say such a thing. Part of me is still not over that. <BR>For the last while he has been saying remarks that I don't trust HIM. I couldn't believe he would say such a thing. After all the jelousy and the lack of trust he has for me he thinks that I am the one with the trust issues?! I think what it is , is that he has mistaken me not agreeing with him and having my own opinion on different subjects (just stupid everyday subjects) for not trusting him. I have questioned him on things b/c I believe otherwise - its not a matter of trusting him its my own opinion. I tried to explain this to him last night, I came up to him when he went to bed last night and apologized. I told him "I am sorry if I am making you feel that I don't trust you, b/c I do, I don't ever want you to feel that way b/c its not true. I apologize and please tell me in the future when an incident arises that makes you feel that I don't trust you. I want you to tell me so I can change what I am doing" I thought this was a positive thing and then he got all mad at me for talking to him and said "ya right, you only change to suit you!" This really upset me, every time I come up to try and resolve things or discuss problems in a constructive way he gets mad. He starts yelling at me, even when I come up to him with an apology, he says can't you just leave things alone and just shut up? He has such a hard time accepting any kind of apology and making up, he just stays angry, we go to bed like that and in the morning he will come to hug me, doesn't say anything about any conflict we have and just pretends nothing happened and wants me to do the same which I just can't do. I don't know what to do anymore .<BR>. I do love the guy,we have been together for over 11 years, but these conflicts and lack of resolving them is holding us back from really getting close and really loving eachother. I need some advice before I decide to just go the other way and start giving up again. <BR>

Dear Fed Up, <P>I'm so sorry about your situation, because, my husband is very much like yours and I know how you feel. My H has accused me of all kinds of things, and I haven't done anything. I have came to realize, that the only way for us to work, is if I lose "myself" and be who he wants me to be. The question is, "can I do that", and at this time, I do not know. I have no advice for you at this time, hopefully others will, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I have decided to set a time frame, 2 - 3 more years, in which I will do all I can, try as hard as I can, to make our marriage work and to have a "harmonious" relationship. If, after that time frame, things have not "improved", I will leave him. I have given him 5 years of my life so far, and the highs and lows of our relationship due to his "jealousies" are becoming to much to handle. I wish you all the best in your situation and I pray things will get better for you.

Fedup and Schatz-<P>Neither of you are alone. Fedup, your husband has a lot of traits mine does. Also the mother-in-law thing is too close for comfort in your description.<P>My mother-in-law is also always depressed (although I just wonder if she is one of these persons that wants a pill to solve everything). Anyway, she is in a terrible marriage and my father-in-law lets her rant and rave and have her way with everything (along with everyone else in the family). She too says mean and awful things and then hugs and kisses like it never happened. She has been a factor in the problems in my marraige.<P>My H too gets angry and doesn't want to talk about our problems. He tells me that he can "just let things go" and I tell him in my opinion he is just "ignoring or running away" from the problem because he is not facing it, working through it and resolving it. We have the same fights over and over because they never get resolve. I also can't "just let things go". I also need to talk through them.<P>It seems like the struggle in our marriage is it has to be his way or my way. There seems to be no compromise. I am not trying to get my way (as I see it) it just seems that my way usually is more practical, less risky, less likely to hurt us or anyone else. I don't understand why he wants things his way, and when I ask to try and understand he just says "I am different and that is how I see it. I don't agree with you and don't want it that way".<P>I don't have the jealousy thing to deal with or the accusations. Rather, that has been a little just the opposit for us. I have always been a little jealous (I think in a healthy way however) because he has a flirtatous attitude and doesn't exactly realize it. I had a girl call me and accuse him of sleeping with her (when he was not living here as we were having problems). I didn't know what to make of it and his reaction to listening on the phone to that accusation was not normal. He listened to her, never said a word, hung up when she was done, looked at me and calmly said "it didn't happen". By the way, she called a year after it had taken place. Her reason for calling was "it was weighing on her consious and she thought I deserved to know".<P>He has lied to me about where he is so I have a hard time believing him and trusting him. There have been other little lies as well.<P>Fedup, will your husband go to counseling with you? Will he go on his own? If not, see if the counselor will address his problems while the two of you are there.<P>I know how the "ignoring of the problem" can destroy a marriage. I am fighting that one myself. I have just ask myself if I should be waiting to bring up our problems strickly in front of the counselor and in betweeen sessions, not discuss anything that bothers me with him. Just jot it down and take it to the counselor until we can work through some of this. I don't know if I can do it, but I think I am going to try.<P>Hang in there. It is a hard and rocky ride. Schatz, I also feel that I have to "lose" myself and who I am because I feel like I can't be open and honest or he gets mad. I feel like I have to "pretend" to be something I am not.<P>I decided today, no matter how much it costs, we are already in big financial problems because of this mess of a marriage (lost $6K this year alone) that I am going to join a fitness club, and do anything I can to remove myself from the situation at home and try to focus on it in counseling until he can calm down enough and maybe begin to see the light.<P>To help not lose you, find something you can do. I have a young son and I HATE to be away from him, but I figure it may be better than the fighting he has heard from his room at night, and those very heated tried to control ones in front of him. Maybe if I can relieve some of my stress through exercise, I will feel more like "me" and if he wants to start joining me in my activites, he can join me. If not, at least I can still find happiness in life and not rely on him for it.<P>It is hard, I sound brave, but I am really cowaring behind fear, pain and stress. Good luck to you both.