After all the great replies on my last post about OW/Stepmom troubles, I think that I finally figured out what truly bothers me about the situation, and maybe there is a solution - maybe not....

In my mind, at the moment, I feel that if my marriage was annulled(I'm Catholic) then if for some reason, the church allowed ExH to remarry, IN THE CHURCH, then I would be supportive of new step mom.

However, because our marriage is not annulled, and ExH ran off to Las Vegas to marry a woman who was first an OW, and I am not sure that the rlationship will even last, I am scared to really try with this woman and build her up with the kids because then they will be hurt even more if she leaves if the relationship does not work out.

I also wonder about society's view of the step- mom.......

I think that a long time ago, when people usually got step moms it was because their mom died then it was important for that person to be able to fit more into the role of a mother.

However, the latest psyco bable seems to be that the parents are the parents and the step parents are just the new spouses.

So, it kind of negates the earlier view of the step mom being a second mom.

So now I'm confused.

In my heart, I don't want this adulterous covetous woman being any kind of "mom" to my kids. (Sorry if that sounded a little too self righteous, but I'm only stating the facts, I'm not judging) She can be a friend, and respect her because she's their dad's wife, but she is NOT A STEPMOM. At least in my book.

Now like I said, if the circumstances were different, and ex had done things the right way, then I'd be a little more accomodating, I think, than I seem to be now, because if I get remarried then I will want my kids to love my new husband too. And there are alot of great step parents out there who have filled a tremendous need in some children's lives when their biological mom has stepped out of their lives for whatever reason.

BUT MY PROBLEM is also that EX wants new wife to be a MOM to the kids. He says she doesn't want to take my place, but actions speak louder than words here, and whoever said that she was jealous of me and that's why she wants to be around at MY kid's things was 100% right IMO.

So, who's right? Stepmom=comom or just good friend? And does it make a difference about the current circumstance or does it even matter because it's ex's choice at the moment until things change?

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmm. K

<small>[ November 13, 2002, 11:52 AM: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</small>

((((((((GIIC)))))))))you deserve every hug and more. I look at your profile, four small children to mother and love and yet you have to struggle with such garbage. I think you must be an incredibly strong lady and a class act to boot. Don't think for a minute that she can hold a candle to you in the mom dept. Your kids will grow up, look back and say, what a mom I had!!! I hope this helps, I honestly mean it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by God is in Control:
<strong>However, the latest psyco bable seems to be that the parents are the parents and the step parents are just the new spouses.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is pretty much what I wrote on your other thread, so I almost feel a little bit slammed, but that's my problem, I guess.

The parents ARE the parents. I didn't think we disagreed on that, do we?

Do you really want someone who thinks of herself as a second mother to your children disciplining them? I ask this in all sincerity. Think about it for a moment. Picture it in your head. Do you want someone who is your husband's new spouse being a mother to your children? They HAVE a mother, don't they? It's not as if they don't.

Your ex is saying he wants his wife to be a Mother-figure. You've said this ISN'T what you want, yet, you get upset, if I'm reading the paragraph I quoted above correctly, because a second wife (namely me, since I said it in the other post) is a wife to Dad, not a step mother, per se.

Please correct me if I'm wrong.

It isn't psycho babble to state the truth, which is that I am my husband's wife, I care for the kids a lot (and that's taken TIME, it wasn't automatic), but I won't be their disciplinarian EVER. I will stand beside my husband when he needs the support as a parent, but it *is* HIS job to parent, NOT mine.

I'll be honest with you K. I always enjoy (if that's the right word for these kinds of threads) reading what you have to say. You're articulate, obviously smart and wise too... but there is something that makes me want to help you see the 'other side' if you will. If my being here bothers you, please tell me. Maybe you just need validation for your feelings, and that's fine - let me know and I'll back out. But if you really want to know how a second wife feels, and a relatively new one at that, I want to help.

Let me know, okay?

Oh, and I came back for an edit to say: I am not saying anything judgementally, as I am in no position to judge, believe me. I am very sincere in my beliefs about what it means to be a wife to my husband and a person in his children's lives.

<small>[ November 12, 2002, 11:09 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

GIIC,
I don't think she has to be called step or co-mom yet, and good friend?? Is your baby even one yr yet? I guess that would take some time for her to be a good friend to the kids much less you.

Hard to figure how a woman could steal a man from a pregnant wife and have motherly instincts at all! She certainly doesn't have any scruples or class. And this is what your ex is stuck with? Cocktail waitresses have more integrity!
And lets see, when I was pregnant any of the seven times, I was not feeling as beatiful and sexy and would not want to compete with a non-pregnant woman at the time. She had a quick and easy job! Is that why she was in such a hurry to rush him to the alter? Probably more her idea than his!
Sorry to be so bold, but I bet she is very threatened by you. He is a Doctor. Doctors usually get the best and she sees that you are not out sleeping around even though you are now single like she was with a married man, you are a very good mother, and you have maintained your dignity and remained steadfast. You have class and thats something your ex will never be able to by for her! You have all those children with him.
She probably won't have any children with him-she may suffer a nervous breakdown following him everywhere while she's pregnant and then you won't be the only one she's threatened by.
Sit back and smile. Have you ever really thought about what it must be like for a NURSE who SEDUCES HER BOSS while his wife was PREGNANT and RUSHED THE MARRIAGE before he had time to think(and realize that he was probably marrying a tart)?
O.K. I apologize. I am having way too much fun at her and your ex's expense! How can I act this way, really.
Do you see the otherside now? She has a long hard road ahead. I have to stop now so I don't get going again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Your EX is FULL OF IT if he thinks OW will ever be a 'stepmom' to your kids. Stepmoms exist when Mom is no longer alive. As of your last post, you were ALIVE and kicking, so I think that negates anything your ex has to say about the matter.
This is a natural result of his evil against you and your 4 precious children. AND - get this - if your kids don't want to accept the OW as anything other than some floozie, then they don't have to! Kids have rights and the Courts believe in that - if kids don't want to go see your ex then they can choose not to.
Tell your Ex to put THAT in his pipe and smoke it!
Harold

it's one thing to start a new relationship with someone after they have been separtated/divorced for awhile but still you can't take over as their mother/father unless they either have pasted away,left and never seen again or the kids adopt you as mom/dad if the other is unfit. I still think you ex is full of it and needs a tap in the melon to wake him up

I think a lot of what you are going through GIIC is a result of your morals and values.... you believe in sound values. You believed in your marriage and was willing to work on it -- unfortunately your ex did not.

I went through an incredible amount of pain when I would find out about the stupid (yes to me they were stupid) things that my ex did. I was looking at him through my moral/value microscope. To him, his actions were just fine, to me, they were sinful.

Surviving all this totally depends on you. I'm with you in the "she's not their mother" but it's true that she is his new wife. How she got there and what she did to *win* him over is not your doing, it's theirs. The kids know that you didn't push him into her arms and said, "here honey, he's a playmate for you while I take over all the responsibilities."

How *society* relates to "step-mom's" is SOCIETY. They are the same people who feel that violence on TV is acceptable, abortions are acceptable, whatever else you want to throw into the mix is ACCEPTABLE. Society does NOT dictate how you raise your kids. If you feel deep down inside that something is wrong and you are protecting your kids, so be it -- and reading your posts doesn't give me the impression that you are some kind of freak bent on having control at any cost.

Believe that what you are doing is right -- regardless of what *society* thinks. If you do not want to share the title *MOM* you don't have to. If you don't want to sit beside this woman, guess what? YOU DON'T HAVE TO. Remember, actions speak louder than words. I have NOTHING to do with my ex's women. HE made a choice to walk away from our marriage and I'm sure as H3LL not going to follow him and his latest squeeze around proving that I'm some kind of saint. I'm polite, courteous and act with grace and dignity...but I will NEVER go out of my way to give my kids the impression that what they did is/was right in any way.

As new_beginning said: "It is his job to parent..."

GIIC -- Reading your post I just wonder if all the concern over the "appropriate" role for OW in your children's lives is beside the point. It seems to me that your ex and OW are manipulating you for all they're worth. Clearly the OW, as a mother herself, is absolutely well aware of how offensive her behavior is -- that's why she's doing it. As long as they can get YOU stirred up and upset they don't have to focus on THEMSELVES. For better or worse YOU have always been part of their relationship, maybe they are having trouble letting go of the "common enemy" that bound them together, so they keep dragging you back in by what ever means necessary. DO NOT LET THEM. Don't let them deflect attention from their own issues by dragging you into the spot light.

What would happen if you refused to play this game with them at all? What would happen if you brimmed with confidence in your role as mother, so much so that you KNEW this woman could never mean more than a nice babysitter to your kids? What would happen if whenever you thought about OW or saw her at a school function you could take the attitude thank God this idiot woman was stupid enough to take that dud of a husband off my hands!

The only good thing about divorce is ending your role as the third leg of the infidelity triangle. It sounds like your ex and OW rushed into all this in a real hurry, reality is setting in; let it. Don't protect them from it by serving as the whipping boy. You don't have to any more.

I have small kids myself and I admit that I truly hate the OW. The most horrible thing she ever said to me was how WH told her she would be a great stepmother -- yuck. My heart just bleeds for you, but I think these people are using you. The more wrong and upset they can make you, the more right and calm they feel. You sound like a wonderful, generous, kind mother. See this OW as an unpaid babysitter, expect the same level of behavior as you would from a babysitter in terms of timeliness and outings. Instead of fuming over her being with your kids (since you can't change it anyway), can you see it as a welcome break for you? You must be busy as he** with four kids. When my WH first started taking my children for visitation I felt very anxious, then I started to see it as a treat to ME. If he'd paid a tenth as much attention to them when we were together I'd have been in heaven! Go do something great for yourself and think of OW having to pick bits of playdough out of her carpets and do laundry for 5 or 6 kids.

I really think they want you to be upset -- don't give them the satisfaction.

Who does like the OW or OM? Who in their right mind wants their kids around this person? Only the cheating spouse. Dr. said that all children unless abuse want their parents together & hope that they will one day. They will have trouble when your children get older & start to understand how this woman came into X life. You are not alone I dont want OW in my son life thank God son is older & can say something about it. When I think of OW, I see her mouth around my X private parts. X said OW would perform oral sex on him while he was working as cop. our son said dad has a file on his computer with pictures of L**** nude. I dont want this nasty Whore touching my son. I dont want him drinking or eating out of their dishes or using their toliet. I know this is stupid but I see her as a unclean person. She is no better than the woman walking the streets for money. OW wasnt a good mother. Leaving 3 small boys in the H care while she sat down dirt roads giving oral sex to the local police dept. X wasnt her only cop, only the stupid one that would leave his W for. She still has a gang of cops hanging around her work place, small town everyone knows how easy she is. When a man knows someone is easy they dont forget. she has already cheated on one H, she will cheat again. OW only wants her kids for 2 weeks a month, so she can party. I know I will never have the stepmom problem you got. I wont even have the X problems because son is refusing to see his dad. This whore not only took my H but took my son father from him. Your OW cant put up the sweet stepmom for long. Ive been there stepchildren play a big part in a new M. I got tired of his mom trying to get them back together for the sake of the kids. Our children got along great in the being, then they couldnt stand to be together. Just hang in there, it wont be long before their fairy tale world falls apart. You are normal to feel the way you do about OW & your children.

m-17yr 9mts 12 days
c-13, 29, 8 gd
d-5-02
x-43 me-48

OW turns 32 today
c-3 under 10
d-7-02
m-10 yrs

I have temporarily changed the OW's name to L****.
Magnolia

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 11:35 PM: Message edited by: MBMagnolia ]</small>

Have you looked into Stepfamily Resources for help. The Stepfamily Association of America is a great resource (www.saafamilies.org) They have a long list of links to other resources, the best I have found so far. They even have a magazine called Your Stepfamily that I just got, full of lots of ideas and even more resources.

I have been looking at various resouces for information for the last couple of months, my teenage ss is a major challenge! There is a lot of sources out there on the interent, just look for the ones that fit your circumstantes.

Ok, processing all the data......

broken x3 - Thank you so much for the words of support. They did help ALOT, and was just what I needed right then.

new_beginning - I am in NO WAY offended by any of your remarks, and I hope that you aren't offended by mine. I only used the term psycobabble because I have been getting so much info. from so many different sources that I'm just getting tired of it all and don't know what to believe.....

I think that you are the perfect example of a step mom and if I ever am one, will most certainly use your words of advice with my step kids.

I know it's hard for Ow/stepmom and at least she's trying....at least I think she is..actually I have no idea, I only get bits and pieces from the kids.

In all truth, I think that she was happy living the single life after her H kicked her out mainly because she had my ExH trailing after her like a little puppy promising to take care of her and meet her every need, and paying for her every need..... Before the divorce, they both laid low so I think that they got used to only being able to give each other a little of their time. Now that they are married, they still don't spend hardly any time together - she has her life nad he has his, and never the twain shall meet - just like it was with me and exH.

I know that they use the kid activities to SPEND TIME TOGETHER, not to be with the kids, and that is why I am upset. Because when she comes the kids gravitate to her and ex who are trying to steal a few moments together and then no one is happy. I think that OW knows exactly what she was in for and is happy about it.

I think she knows the good thing that she's got. She has a REALLY BIG HOME, her kids only half the time, she gets to ride horses for free, courtesy of ExH's mother who owns a stable, and OW gets to come and go as she pleases, AND SHE GETS TO KEEP HER MONEY - so far Ex pays for everything and she only pays for some of the stuff for her own kids and the rest is for HERSELF!

That was a BIG argument with me and ex - he wanted to control all the money ALL of the time and now he saves that argument with new wife because she gets to keep hers. Guess this is why she has money for manicures and an Eddie Bauer edition Ford Explorer. Ex complained about me spending money - heck, I never spent it on myself and I only bought things on sale and I never bought brand name, and he thinks I'M spoiled.

Anyway, OW knows she's got a good thing, so I think she just does what she has to do to keep ExH happy, and when she is alone with the kids, I DON'T HEAR NICE THINGS about the way she treats them. She does discipline them, but she does it like ex - treats them like things and not like the little people that they are.

So, I guess I need to stick with my insincts about all of this - and it doesn't help that SHE WON'T TALK TO ME. And honestly, I think, by her actions, that she is afraid of me, and that she thinks I am a crazy ex-wife - because that's what exH thinks I am, when in reality the only reason he thinks I'm so bad is because I am not letting him get away with treating me like cr*p.

So, until she gets a clue, I don't know what will happen, because for now, there is no hope for any type of relationship - at least until the custody arrangement is set by the courts.

ezra - Please have all the fun you want with my exH. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't always Disneyland over there.

DJ T-Bird - THANKS! I agree with your assessment of ExH. Wish he would get a clue.

231- Wonder if only a tap would really work.....

I think you're right with your belief about who is the mother/father, just wish my exH did. Although he SAYS he knows, but in reality, he has no real idea of what being a parent is. Being a parent is putting the kids first - example making sure they are fed before making sure you are fed - pet peeve of mine - like on Sat. he'd just make himself lunch and then sit and eat and not worry about whether the kids had lunch or not. His favorite lunchtime foods for the kids NOW are - LUNCHABLES.

Elan- Yes, my moral beliefs are obviously getting in the way big time here. I don't want the kids to be scarred and I want them to feel happy and loved, but everyone in exH's family have been divorced and have done horrible things and everyone just pretends like it's no big deal and that it's all for the best. They allow family members to do these things without consequences in the name of "family." And so now ex thinks that you're supposed to have a second marriage and that that is the marriage that is supposed to work.

I'm just torn.

wiw - I like your suggestion. And I need to go to things and stand up tall and make THEM feel embarressed and not me. That's what I did the other weekend and all the other parents couldn't believe that ex had brought OW. I know that OW will feel even more threatened if we are nice to each other, and I don't want to keep fighting. I am TIRED of it, I just need to get a game plan in place for dealign with ex and then execute it and stop worrying.

myfamily - and yes, it's hard when the OW is the new wife or gf. I mean if they didn't show good judgment before then how can you expect them to suddenly change now.... And she will always know that she is the OW, although Ex still to this day says that she was NOT the reason he divorced me, that she was just a FRIEND who was there to help him feel better and get through the pain of having to leave such a terrible marriage. WHATEVER!

THANKS! K

Thanks bsktterri - I was posting when you were.

I'll check out the site. Always trying to find some helpful info.

K

GIIC,
Had alot of extra chores with the horses tonight. We breed Saddlebreds. Just wondering if your ex's wife helps out at the stable with feeding and the stall cleaning. Oh well.
What I really hope is that you are looking to the future in this divorce as far as financial support. Not to make it sound like your ex has to give you every dime he makes, but I made a mistake in my divorce.
I thought that I did not want his money or needed more as time went on. I was somewhat fed up with his whole money thing and went through a rebellion and thought it would be more noble for me to stuggle. How stupid.
I did not really realize that when the children became teenagers how much they would want or need and did not stop to think of an extra car to drive to school(hardly any teenager rides the bus anymore) gas money, sports THE RIGHT CLOTHES etc..I am, however, glad that I am not able to SPOIL them and hand them anything that they want.
What I really did not realize at 31 when I divorced him was that motherhood really was my life and an actual career with 7 children is hard to attain and balance the family life.
I thought that as my kids got older, I would have more freedom to pursue my interests. Now at 42 I see that my interests are here at home, waiting for the kids to come home from school and asking them about their day, knowing who their friends are, staying up late to make sure the 17 yr old gets home safely etc,etc,etc.
While I was married to their father, he was being groomed to take over the family business-100+ million dollar co.
He did all right financially for his age, but he's REALLY doing well now and while he was getting his life set financially, I was pregnant or nursing and cooking and taking care of the children. His current wife reaps the finacial rewards and I have no career because I chose the kids. At 42(I still have three at home and the older ones move home sometimes.) I don't really know what I would even want to do anymore. I even miss the kids the 4 days a month they are at their dad's and enjoy summers cause their home(alot of mothers dred summer vacation cause its too much of the kids).
You have alot of children too and are very devoted to motherhood. I just hope that you are seeing to your future and the inflationary factors along with the costs that rise as the children get older.
I could petition my ex and get more support, but at this stage I just let it go. I am remarried. If I was not, however, it would be a differant story.
I imagine that you were with him the hard years of residency and school and just when his career really is established this happened. Don't take the "nobel" approach that I did. There is nothing nobel about being foolish with your future.

GIIC I know I'm right cause I'm dealing with one now. I love her kids and will treat them like my own but I can't be dad to them,a harsh reality when it comes to them. Two have a different father who for the last eight years been in jail for spousel abuse,drug possesion and bank robbery. He hasn't seen the kids for years and only recently been making noise about it. he is a nut bar as far as i'm concern but he has rights. The other she did marry on the rebound never really acted like a dad eventhough they call him that. like your Ex-h he rather sit and eat steak in front of everyone while they are eating peanut butter. Me and her have scraficied alot of things to ensure the three of them are properly clothed and fed. He has yet paid her any child support and will not do so until made to. If he can get out of it he will. The problem is he left not her but is mad she did not come crawling back to him and is with me now.
Me and her are getting married and I will be responsalbe for their welfare as same as she is but I will be just(insert ny name)to them, a freind and nothing more which just fine with me.

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 04:01 AM: Message edited by: 231 ]</small>