Hello everyone-

I haven't posted in awhile, but I lurk here often. As many of you know I am a divorced BS and mother of four children. I have been lucky enough to meet a wonderful man and we have been together for seven months now. Things are going wondefully for us and I only see them continuing that way. Our biggest problem is there is a distance of five hours between us.

I have joint custody of my four children with my x, but primary placement is with me. He sees them eight hours every week and then has them every other weekend either from Friday night until Sunday evening or from Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening. The rest of the time they are with me.

Here is my dilema. I do not wish to continue a long distance relationship indefinately. The man I am involved with owns a company and relocating is not possivble especially in today's economy. The business he is in would not make it in my area. So I am considering moving to be by him. I talked to my x and said I will work with him to come up with a suitable arrangement. I told him I would get the kids back here for both of his weekends and would be willing to add a third to make up for the lost eight hours. I told him that we could also negotiate about more time in the summer and holidays. He said absolutely not. He says they are his kids and he is not willing to let them go and will take me to court if he has to. I told him that I hope it doesn't come to that, but I am not willing to step down from my decisions either.

I know he is their father. I know how important that is, but let's look at the facts. He is an alcoholic, he had the affair, left while I was pregnant with the fourth child, and refused to work on the marriage at all. In the two years he has been gone, he has seen the kids the bare minimum he can and even though he has an open invitation to more time with them he always finds an excuse, but now that I want to move he suddenly wants more involvement. It just seems unfair.

I have consulted my attorney, but I curious to know if any of you have found yourself in similar situations and what has been done to rememdy them.

Thanks for your help!

Take care and God bless!

K

((((((((K))))))))

I have not been in that situation but I do see it coming down the road. However, in my case we have shared custody and it would be a whole other set of issues.

My first instinct is to put on my Dr. Laura hat and say what she would say, “YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT GOING TO MOVE THOSE KIDS AWAY FROM THEIR FATHER”. Granted there are some circumstances in your situation that make it seem as though he’s not up for “Father of the Year” but he is their father, none the less, and you chose to make babies with him. The Dr. would probably also through in something about waiting until you’ve been dating for 2 years to do anything.

But I think you also have to look at the logistics from the kids point of view. 10 hours in a car 3 weekends a month doesn’t sound like too much fun. Plus a vast majority of extra-curricular activities take place on the weekends, which would pretty much cut that out of their life.

I guess my feeling is that even though my X cheated and is living an immoral lifestyle, I do believe that I have an obligation to my kids to ensure that I do everything possible to foster the best possible relationship between them and their mother. Regardless if she chooses to change things now, a year from now, or 10 years from now.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

I must agree with LostHusband on this one. I think that it is truly unfortunate that you have found a love that realistically may not be able to come to fruition. That is exactly why it is so important to not start something that will put such a strain on our family's lives.

I am truly sorry that you have found someone so far away. I think that even with all the things that your husband has done or is doing, he will always be their father. And the move that you are contemplating is for you rather than for your children. Now, you have every right to think of yourself, but not out of the context of your children.

10 hours in a car 3 times a month is ridiculous in my opinion. It borders on complete irresponsibility in my opinion. Regardless of whether you would do the driving or not. It is not fair to your children to be required to give up such a large part of their life in order for you to have this love.

It is not that I dissapprove of your happiness. far from it, I greatly admire the fact that you have moved forward with your life and found love once again. But in doing so, it is my belief that you absolutely should not put your children behind that relationship in such a way. If you do, then in my opinion, you are just as irresponsible as your wayward husband who put himself before his family.

While not betraying a "vow" you would be betraying your responsibility to your children and their lives with their father. The ride would continue to be harder, then a weekend would get skipped for what ever reason, which makes skipping the next one easier and easier. They would associate their father with an arduous trip which is not fun. They even may end up resenting the time with him because it is so hard to get in the first place.

My feelings, as hard as they are to state, are that you should stop this relationship and look for a local relationship that will allow your children to keep both you and their father in their lives, allowing for the best possible life that they can have. They will need both of you and to put such stress on their lives is not in their best interest. I am sorry, but this is my feeling. I hope you and your family the best in every way.

K - I am a father with 5 overnights out of 14. If my wife tried to relocate, I can tell you that I would fight it in court, and if that failed, I would probably move where the kids went. That amount of travel is not sustainable, and would build resentment in the father and children, so the relationship between father and children might very well be ruined. The circumstances of your divorce may be different, but those won't enter into his thinking. I would expect your ex to fight this also.

As for what you should do, well, that's difficult. What is your boyfriend's opinion? You didn't say much about that.

I am not where you are, yet, emotionally. But my opinion is that if you are considering this move, then your boyfriend should be equally serious about this relationship. Is he?

- Tom

SR -

Just had to pop in and say hello! Hello!

I noticed that the GOOD fathers have all responded here.

I however, feel that your ExH, from what I've read, is only after the kids for control purposes and couldn't really care less about the situation.

He's only worried about HIS convenience and you know it.

Yes, I think the 5 hour drive is yuckoo - however, I think your kids should realize that daddy made this choice and if he had stayed straigt and flew right they would not be in the situation that there are. Plus I think that anyman who wants to be a father to 4 kids that are not his own is a saint and a better dad than the one who left his pregnant wife.

Anyway, statistics show that in 5 years the biological father has left the scence anyway - I'm not talking about the BS dads here who are the stable loving presence in their kid's lives, but the WS fathers who are little children in adult bodies.

My opinion is to go with YOUR GUT. Pray about it. Talk to the professionals. Talk to your kids and then make a good decision. You've made really great ones up to now.

I would however, not move until you were a little bit more sure about this new relationship. Are you both practicing the MB principles? Is new man open to making sure that this relationship will work. Is God in the center of your lives?

If yes, then move. And let ExH take you to court. Who knows, maybe he'll move if it's best for the kids. And anyway - I thought he was in jail. If he's going to make that a habit then he won't be seeing the kids anyway. Who wants them to be around a drunk dad. It's dangerous!

Ok, a little more than 2 cents, but you've come a long way baby! And you've got a good head on your shoulders and I know that you will do the absolute best for your kids! And I happen to also like the notion of a mom and dad living in the same house.

May God send you some extra graces and wisdom to face this decision, and hopefully the best solution will present itself. K

Still Reeling, I'm also glad to see some good fathers jump in here. (And I wish I had been married to one).
I knew early on in the D that relocation would be a problem. I have no family in my area, they are at least a 10 hour drive away. Now I am faced with the fact that I cannot leave this state. From what I've read, the courts only allow you to move if it improves the life of the children. That is to say that if you get a great job, but won't be with the children, and will deprive them of their father - the courts may not allow it.
But you will need to make your own choice. Don't volunteer to do all the driving, you're just setting yourself up for problems.
Please keep me posted on how this progresses. I have no reason to move now, but wonder what my future holds.
God Bless.

Still,

I am sorry that you find yourself in this rotten position. What did your attorney tell you regarding the laws in your state about taking the children out of state? The state laws that I am familiar with do not allow the custodial parent to take the children out of state. Some states are adopting laws that restrict moving of 100 mile or more instead of the standard stateline guidelines. If the noncustodial parent fights it, it is very hard to get a court to allow it. If you do it without consent, they most always take the children from the parent who removed the children and give custody to the other parent. Be careful that you have court approval before doing anything.

Best of luck in working thru this.

A person who is "willing" to travel 20 hours 3X a month is a crazy person in my book.

My XW moved 3 hours away and has not honored the visitation agreement fully the entire 2 years since she "kidnapped" my daughter. The visitation arrangement (proposed by her in our settlement) included every other weekend plus one weeknight visit (dinner only) at the meeting place each week. She refuses to comply with the midweek part and now we are burning more money in court.

20 hours 3X per month; could it be that you are in a "fog"? This is cruel treatment to your children and to yourself.

Sorry, good luck.

Hello everyone-

Thank you all for responding. I appreciate all your input. This is not a matter I take lightly at all. For the record, I have always looked at what my children need. I continue to do this in spite of repeated errors in judgement by their father. I do believe that all matters aside that he is their father and deserves a life with them.

The biggest thing that bothers me about my x is that he never thinks of anyone before himself. The affair was only the final straw in this area. He has many issues which he is in denial of and the negative impacts of this denial are hard on everyone around him. Still I keep him in contact with the kids because I feel it is important. I have kept an open policy with him regarding visitation. We have minimal set visitation hours (his choice), but he knows that he can have them more when he wants as long as it doesn't conflict with previously scheduled things. In two years he has taken them extra only three times even when he has had the opportunity. His drinking is a major conflict in his life. He recently spent a month in jail as a result of his latest DWI. In this time it was just assumed that I would keep the kids, "I am their mother and it is my responsibility. What would I do if he wasn't around?" These are his quotes, not mine. Since he has can't drive right now it is me who takes the kids to him and picks them up. The list goes on and on. When he does put in the extra effort it is because the OW is in town and she thinks he should do more.

He has told me on several occasions that he needs to move as he feels he doesn't have a future in our town, the whole fresh start rationale. In fact the location he has been considering to move to would be closer to me if I were to move than it is if I would stay here. Now however, since I have a solid relationship and he feels threatened he is changing his mind on everything. Hence, I do feel it is a control issue.

The man I am involved with on the other hand is everything my x is not. He is responsible, moral, loving, etc. He is involved with my kids and things are going well. When I met him it was through mutual friends and started as a friendship. Because of the distance I looked at it as a relationship which could only be a friendship. However, we just clicked and it has grown into much more. maybe I should have stopped it, but I guess hindsight is 20/20. We share common beliefs, morals, goals, and practice MB principles, etc. I have to think that if the relationship progresses as it has so far that we could have a very good life together and that would be good for my children. They would have stability, finances would be better, I would be less stressed, etc. Aren't these good things?

I know I probably sound like I am trying to justify my actions, and to a point I am. I do see problems with moving. I do think it is too much travel time. That is the biggest obstacle as my x isn't that big of a role in their everyday lives anyway. I am just trying to figure out what is best for all of us. I am in no hurry to do this either. I am just a planner and I like to look at final outcomes long beforehand. In my state you have to get the other parents permission to move the kids 150 miles or more. I would be moving 200 if if came to that so I would have to get his permission to move or go to court to get it.

Thank you all again for your replies. This is not something I take lightly and I am weighing out all options and putting my trust in God.

Take care and God bless!
K

Good Luck to you and your family through this decision.
I've read of instances where the NCP gets the children more in the summer if distance is an issue, can you try this? Possibly he could have them 8 weeks in the summer to four weeks for you.
It's just a thought.

our D doesnt state I cant move. X home town, mine 7 hrs away in Fl. only had to let him know a few months ahead of move. X said he would make me meet him halfway. X making more money X would have had to pay my cost to travel. X got joint but would only see his 13 1/2 son Sun only. before we moved X was with son 20 days from Jan to June. X told son he was going to show up in Jax with police officer & make them take him out with force. police dont get involved with custody. Only if we went back to court again & the judge ruled for it & then they wouldnt force him out because of his age. X knew he could not do that because son is wanting to talk with Judge about not seeing dad again, he can at the age of 13. I did not have any family in AL. NO Job, it was X hometown. This was in my favor if we went back to court. wish I had moved months earlier, its been great not having to see X & his hometown whore & listen to all the rumors about their sex in public places while both were M. son is doing better without seeing dad, grades went up. I would fight your X in court, do not let him control your life.

m-17yrs, 9mts, 12days
d-5-02
c-13, 29,8 gd
x-43 me-48

ow-32
c-3 under 10
d-7-02
m-10yrs