My wife and I have been married for six years. Because of problems that have arisen in the marriage, we are now separated. My wife is the one wanting out of the marriage, and the only way she argeed to put forth effort, was for me to move out. (Very Difficult) We now have been separated for almost three weeks. An overview of the relationship is as follows: I had been previously married and divorced, and my wife had never been married, when we married. We were both 30 years old when we married. My wife was very independent and successful in the mortgage industry when we married. We also have two children, ages 5 and 2. She brought a lot of her independence from being single, into the relationship. My wife has been an out of control spender since we got married, which over the years has caused me a lot of grief. She has never listened to my requests to alter her spending habits, or tried to work with me on anything, relating to our finances. It got to the point two years ago, that I found out she was hiding money from me, because she didn't want to have to account for anything. This really hurt me, as now she had brought lying into the relationship. To make a long story short, all of these ongoing problems have caused me to distance myself from her as the years have progressed. My wife in turn, is a very affectionate, feely, touchy, person. She would do all of things financially, which would upset me and cause distance, and then expect me to be affectionate and loving in return to her. The times that I refused to be intimate and affectionate to her, caused her to start withdrawing from me. It finally got to the point to where we are today. All she can say, is that I've neglected her and hurt her for years, and this is why she doesn't love me anymore, and doesn't want to be married to me. We have been going to marriage counseling for over two months now, and she still does not want this marriage. I have tried everything I know of to reconcile with her, but she refuses to take any responsibility for what has happened. I still do not want this to go to divorce, but I'm getting tired. I feel that if she would accept responsibility for her actions in the relationship, and realize that I have only reacted to her because of her actions to me in the marriage, she might be able to look at things differently. I have accepted full responsibility for my part, and have apologized for the things that I have done in the marriage. I have changed things in my life over the last two months, as to how I handle myself and things in the relationship, and feel that I have made tremendous strides to which she has acknowledged, but she still refuses to do anything. I know that by her seeing me as the only problem in the relationship, it is only preventing her from wanting to commit or try.
Please, any advice would greatly be appreciated!

Brent,

I understand what you are saying. I too am the 'problem' of our relationship. Where I think that we are both parts and that more often than not, I react to her more than I start a problem. But my wife also refused to see how her actions affected me or anyone else for that matter. It goes so far as to enter her job, how everyone is out to get her that doesn't agree with her. Same with her family, if they disagree with her, they are attacking her. If I disagreed with her I was either controlling, abusive, or neglectful.

That is just the way some people are I have come to believe. Either they see the problems themselves, but are too afraid to accept it. Don't see the problems and truly think that we do everything bad in their lives. Think that we are just 'incompatible' therefor there is no reason to work. Or feel that it is easier for them to just start over with someone else, because then they don't have to accept responsibility and work on the issues they have. They can just move on and everything will be great, because lets face it, WE were the problem, not them.

I reacted to my wife so much within my marriage. But all she saw was when I finally didn't go along. Then those times I was the bad guy. Not disagreeing, but merely controlling. She couldn't see when I did agree, give in, love, cherish. She just saw the times that I didn't in her opinion.

Well, I can tell you from my standpoint, I have two children ages 9 and 5. It kills me to see their lives torn apart like this. I have taken responsibility and changed everything that I could. To the point that she said I am "100% better". She "never believed that I could have changed so much." She 'could have been so happy if this had all happened before (her affiars)" but she still said, Where is 'my solace'. She would get upset because it was hard for me to just see repeated behaviors that hurt me and were associated with her infidelity. She would 'forget' her wedding ring on the counter, sink, bedstand, where ever. We were reconciling and I asked her nicely at least 10 times over the course of 4 months to PLEASE wear it. It just brought up too many things from our past when I saw her without it.

Well, finally, she went out with her sister and left the ring once again. I chose poorly about how to approach the subject by taping it to the mirror in our bathroom and writing on the mirror "I have told you how this makes me feel." Which at that moment I thought was an OK way to let her know that THIS BEHAVIOR THAT SHE CONTINUES TO DO HURTS ME. But she felt something else. I don't know. She didn't think my way of telling her was appropriate so she blamed everything on me. Never once took any of the thought that if she had worn the ring, none of this would have happened. Within 3 weeks she was sleeping with another man again. MY ACTIONS 'KILLED HER HEART'. So she felt compelled to 'jump at the first person who showed her love.' I was even resonsible for another affair.

Well, I learned something. Unless both people want the marriage to work it will not. I no longer have the hatred that I felt for her behavior. I love her, but can see that she doesn't love me enough to preserve her family. She has chosen others over our family 4 times that I know of, and even with me working on forgivness over and over again, she just doesn't want it. Sometimes I wonder if it is just guilt, and they think that they will be 'alright' if the 'source' of that guilt ie us, is not around.

I don't know. I don't know. So much blame. So much pride. So much misguidedness.

As I read through your post and the first reply I couldn't help but to think of the words written by Roger Miller and sang by Brooks & Dunn:

(Roger Miller)

Two broken hearts lonely looking houses
Where nobody lives
Two people each having so much pride inside
Neither side forgives

The angry words spoken in haste
Such a waste of two lives
It's my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline
Of the number of husbands and wives

I wish I had some great words of wisdom but I don't.

God bless you both and your families.

God Bless You Brent~~I have to tell you that what caught my eye in your post were the time frames. My husband and I have been married a year and 7 months. And, he left 3 weeks ago today. Unfortunately, we are separated by about 600 miles! UGH!! I will indeed add you and your wife to my prayer list. I understand the "tired" feeling. BOY, DO I!!! God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. REST in Him. Continue to praise Him through all of this. Also, it may not seem like it now, but truly we go through these times so we can help others! So, peace be with you:-)) Again, I will uplift you and your family in my prayers! Min