I am really trying to continue moving ahead in my life and seem to be stuck in this area that seem to relate with my inability to forgive her. It seems to stem from my lack of understanding why and her lack of taking any responsibility. The last time we spoke about things, she blamed me for "killing her heart" and "making it so that she had to jump at the first man to show her love." Well, both of these statements have made it incredibly difficult to forgive her.

She blames me for her behavior. She even said as much several times and I refused to accept the responsibility, she then said it was because of OUR behavior. But she never once said that it was her choice. It was still because of me.

Thus it is very hard to forgive someone who still doesn't take responsibility. She never even said that she was sorry about her last affair. I think that it is truly because she is not sorry. But regardless, I know that by not forgiving her, I am allowing her to control my feelings. I am allowing her actions to make it easier for me to be mad at her than to forgive her. I know that no one can make me feel something, but her actions and thoughts have brought me to such a place that I don't know how to forgive under these circumstances.

If she came to me and said, "I am sorry for everything that happened." Then I think that I could move on and forgive. But it just isn't happening. I also know that I can't forgive based upon a response that she gives. That is my hangup. In my head, I understand what I can and cannot do, but I have no idea how to do the things that I need to do. I don't kow how to forgive her when she doesn't want forgivness, and I KNOW THAT THE FORGIVNESS IS FOR ME, NOT HER. But for some reason I can't become congruent with the thought and my heart.

I sure could use some help. Some books, thoughts, etc. that might allow me to forgive her for myself. I still end up thinking about the stuff throughout the day. I sure would like to forgive her so I didn't feel responsible to 'fix' her. To make her understand her part. To make her realize what she is doing to herself and to our children. I havn't yet moved past this area, and want to move on. I know I need to, but I am still partially in 'fix it' mode.

Thanks

Try Forgiveness Is a Choice by Robert D. Enright, Ph.D.

see http://www.forgiveness-institute.org/

I'm using it as a basis for my own forgiveness. It doesn't directly discuss forgiveness of spousal betrayal, but it does address forgiveness of one who is unrepentant. The book describes a process, which can take a long time, that has been scientifically validated with abuse survivors, holocaust survivors, and others.

<small>[ November 13, 2002, 11:53 AM: Message edited by: QuestionMark ]</small>

Try this link:

http://www.bible.com/answers/aforgive.html

On matter such as this, I find the best book to read is the Bible and the greatest teacher was Jesus.

FC - I was given some great books about that, but returned them all to the church. I'm going to the church library on Fri. so I'll get the names and post them then.

Rebuilding by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti has been recommended to me as of late - it helps you work through your feelings -anger, loneliness etc. and then helps lead you to acceptance and rebuilding yourself as a whole single person.

K

FC,

Did we marry twin sisters? I swear my w is in the same place yours is. A good friend and counselor of mine gave me a book called "Forgive and Love Again: Healing Wounded Relationships" by John Nieder and Thomas M. Thompson. I have been in the same state of mind you are in wanting to forgive and move on but finding it hard to do because ww hasn't even sought our my forgiveness. This book helped me tremendously! It made me feel well again about myself and gave me a new hope for my m. I still drift back to my old way of feeling sometimes because my w hasn't come around yet. When we are the victim of someone's wrongdoing especially with someone as close to us as our w's, it is in our human nature that this person needs to know they hurt us and feel sorry for it in order for us to forgive them. God calls on us to be different from the world. We are Christians, meaning "Christ-like". And Christ forgave not only anyone who sought His forgiveness, but also those who wrongfully convicted Him, those who persecuted Him, those who murdered Him, even the sins of those He never knew. This book talks about how we should fogive in that manner. You know...just talking about it has made me feel better right now.