We have had our typical chaotic week here at our household again.

My oldest daughter came home on Sat. because she needed to be home for awhile(she was sick and seemed a little homesick)--she took one of my cars and drove back to school on Sunday morning. Then she drove back again Monday nite for my 17 year old's surprise birthday party. I was wondering how she was going to get back to school again--when she told me her dad had been calling her (8 times the day before). She had asked him for one of his cars--since he would be traveling for about 5 weeks and wouldn't be home. Of course, he said no. Anyway, he decided to fly home and said he would drive Meg back to school on Tuesday morning. So, we had a great party and stayed up talking and watching a movie until 1:30 in the morning. During this time, her father called up again asking what time to pick her up--she had to be picked up at 5:30 in the morning to get to class by 7:30.

Well, he did pick her up--but brought bimbo with him. They drove her to school, went to class with her, watched her team play in the semifinals
for soccer, watched her horse back riding class, and then took her and her roommate out to dinner. He didn't leave her place until almost midnight.

I was dead from the night before--I am getting too old to stay up that late and get up at 5:30 for teaching. Anyway, I was tired so went to bed early. About 12:40 Meg called to tell me that Jim had brought bimbo with him, then proceeded to tell me everything they had done. I felt like I had been betrayed all over again. I realize that she would have to meet this woman
--but to spend all day with her after all the devastation they have caused? I couldn't even say anything. She got mad when I couldn't respond--I guess she wanted my approval--and I am sorry, I just couldn't give that.

Jim has been trying to buy all my kids. He gave Meg money to bring her horse up to school and board it, plus spending money. He bought my little kids tons of things on their last weekend visit--and took them loads of places. He has offered to buy my 11 year old her own horse. And when he picked up Meg the other morning, he dropped off a card with a lot of money in it for my 17 year old.

Of course, all of these things are given on the assumption that they will meet and like Leslie. It seems to be working.

I was so hurt last night, I cried all night long. Rationally, I know this has to happen--but it still hurts so damn much.
I wish I could get out of this mess--but my life just feels so violated right now. I don't know how to move on. I am going through the motions--but it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks Pat

How I hurt for you! I'm not there yet, but can Fully appreciate the pain you are in now. Don't know how to help you, but wanted you to know I understand your hurt. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> This time in our lives sucks big time! Something to remember tho is that you Were told late at night when you were already in bed; I suspect you would have felt better able to handle all that news after a good nights sleep. Remember to get lots of rest and to take care of yourself physically. That will help you cope better with all the emotional turmoil crap.

NOTHING about this is easy; EVERY step is torture. BUT you WILL survive and I know you know that. You just need to be reassured right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> This too shall pass.....

I am so amazed at the resilience and strength and integrity I 'read' about in the people on this site, and you have certainly been one of those people. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> So take heart, and remind yourself you are on God's team - that means the RIGHT team. God sees and knows of each tear you shed, and each heartache you endure, and He will remember it all. He loves you now, and hurts with you; you are NOT alone, even tho it so often feels like it. And remember we here all care as well, and will hold you up in prayer. Take care Pat, and hang in there!

BTW, don't EVER think you will be usurped by this new woman in X's life. Just the fact that your daughter phoned you immediately after her long day with dad (and bimbo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) speaks volumes to me. Her love and loyalty are OBVIOUSLY to you, and she wanted to be totally upfront with you about the day so as to alleviate any concerns and reassure you of her affections. Cut yourself some slack, and trust her to know who the 'real' parent is! Kids are much smarter than we give them credit for.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccckkkkkkk!

(((((((((((((Pat))))))))))))))

Words of wisdom, hmmmmmmmmmm, I'm thinking, but the thoughts are mostly about OWS and none of them are good..............

Yes, I know that those WH's think that money talks. And for children, well..... remember that they are still kids and that while they will of course not turn down the material things, you will still be the one that they turn to when they need some emotional support.

Didn't you say that your daughter even called you after to tell you all about the day? That tells me that you are still number one and that she considers you a friend, someone that she can share her feelings with.

I know it's hard to smile when listening to great time with OW - my 6 year old tonight even told me that OW was better than me..... somehting about OW folds his clothes while I make him fold his own clothes...... but it does help when you can listen to them tell you about their time with her. It's important in case anything weird goes on, and you want your kids to feel like they can talk to you about anything. I know that OW is a novelty, a novelty that will wear off once she stops trying to impress WH with the way she treats the kids.

I am actually going through an ANGER phase myself right now. I really don't even know where it's all coming from, but I thought I had it under control and then Ex calls and I can hear OW telling him what to say on the other end..... I actually did that while I was married to ex and now I know how totally annoying it is, and will never do it again. But ex said something stupid like - I don't know why you feel so threatened by her......... duh........

Did receive some good advice on my posts about holding your head up high and remember that you are the mom and she is the adulteress, and that you are the one in control.

They are really to be pitied I guess, and I'm sure I'll return to that thought once I'm done being ANGRY. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Feel free to join in, there's plenty to go around.

It still just blows my mind - the fog - how they can be so stupid.

Ex also said he didn't know why the children and her children getting bad grades had anyting to do with the divorce... well, I guess he doesn't remember what's in all those divorce books or maybe he's forgotten, but he says it's nothing to do with their parenting either.......

Ok, maybe it's so awful that I'll laugh, but it's just too depressing for normal people.

Try to hang in there. Pray, vent, listen to your kids about OW and nod and smile and tell them that you love them, and know that this too shall pass and that if WH puts it on strong now and then quits - they'll notice.

Try not to focus on ExH right now and refocus on you. I know easier said than done, but it's what should be done.

Hang in there! K

Misery n Missouri - I am sure she called you because she knew that you would be upset and she wanted to be the one to tell you... I haven't had to deal with this situation yet (thank god) so I am going to look at it from outside the picture... Like I said she cared enough to call you up and tell you - she knows all of the pain you have been through and continue to go through - I just think maybe she is trying to move on she doesn't want to deal with this pain any more and is probably trying to accept the situation - this bimbo and I am sure she is - is in her life - You must have raised wonderful children to be able to treat someone with respect even though they have basically ruined your family - Do you see how I am looking at it... I am hoping that when this situation arrives for me that I can handle half as good as you and even GIC - I think that children know who their stable parent is - and in the long run that other person isn't going to be a huge part of their life...But then sometimes I look and I think ok - well maybe I will meet someone who has children and I hope his children will like me - and then I think my god their mother will be affected also - I know it isn't the same thing because she was the "OW" but I guess - we as the betrayed spouse have to swallow our hurt and remember we are better than our exspouses - no matter how much money they spend - Our children are always going to love us first - but if we have raised them to be kind caring respectful children - they are not always going to hold a grudge even if we do - Do you think that makes any sense - like I said I don't know how I will react - but this is what came to mind when I read your post... I hope you are feeling better - because I know the pain all to well - Stay Strong...

MNM
I'm so sorry that happened...but you handled it very well with your daughter. I am on a similar roller coaster.

Your 19 yr old is mature enough to realize that YOU represent a safe, secure place and home, not her dad. Money can't buy THAT. With the lack of stability during these times, it's great that she can confide in you and not worry about your reactions. I agree with the others, the fact that she called you right afterwards spoke volumes about your relationship with your daughter and her maturity. That's a GOOD thing:)

Even if it seems as if they "like" the OW (esp. the younger ones), I am sure there will come a point they'll realize the damage that person caused their family. Meanwhile, hold your head up, even though it's difficult. Your kids will remember that fact, too. You can get through this! Remember, the roller coaster may be going down now, but it will have to go up sometime.

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Misery -- I thought I would share something I read awhile back about dealing with OW. I've been thinking about this alot lately!

Remember that advice column "Miss Manners"? I once read a letter from a woman recently divorced because of her husband's affair with a much younger woman. The couple's daughter was getting married and the ex planned to bring his new wife to the ceremony. Her advise was as follows: (1) remember who you ARE -- the mother of the bride (or your own children in our cases), don't act like anything less; (2) as to OW/wife do not act like a bitter, tossed out has-been, or you will feel like one and people may even see you that way. Instead adopt the attitude that you had long been dreaming of a way to get rid of your husband (even pre-affair I know I can think of plenty of reasons WH was no great deal). However being a kind soul you didn't feel right just kicking him out. Then, just when you'd given up hope of ever getting that albatross of a H from around your neck, along comes this foolish, gulible woman who amazingly agrees to take him off your hands and let his problems become HER problems. You feel bad seeing as how she is so young and unlikely to realize what a raw deal she is making, but since she is so willing you greatfully make your escape. Now you are FREE, free of ex-H's drinking or workaholism or immaturity or whatever, and even free of any guilt over the end of the relationship! You approach life with a cat that ate the canary smile on your face.

Miss Manners of course said this in a much funnier way, but I like the message. So much of how I feel seems to depend on the mental "story" I tell myself. I am amazed at how much better things seem when I spin the story in my favor.

Luckily for me OW is not yet a part of my children's world, and I dread the moment she is. I think you are doing a great job. OW is at best a novelty, and perhaps your kids are taking advantage of ex's guilt to line their own pockets a little. So what! It's probably the least he can do for them, and since it's not coming out of your community property, why sweat it? I bet if you take a bemused "who can explain what people do" type attitude with your kids about OW, they will make their own conclusions about her. And they'll see that you are confident enough about who you are not to let her or your ex make more than a blip on the radar screen.

MIM,

I have not had to deal with that, but wanted you to know that I feel for the pain that this has caused you. I will pray for you and the kids.

My WH is very secrative with OW2. Of course he lives 1200 miles away so that is easier to do. But she's trash, so I wouldn't show her off either.

OW1 was an old HS friend of WH & I knew her. She was soooo nice to OS (He was going to college up there for a semester) This was before dday, but I would burn with anger and hurt every time I heard hiw winderful Mrs O was ans hiw much he liked her. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Wow, it's amazing how you relive those painfull emtotions .

God Bless,

D.

(((hugs))))). Although we are d'ing and your d is already done, sometimes they abduct us and strap us into the seats on that awful roller coaster again...And it is such a wild ride on the roller coaster because you can't see the twists or turns or loop de loops coming up because IT IS SO FOGGY ON THAT RIDE.

GIIC and our other friends are so right. Your d called you. She loves you. You are your kids' mom. OW is just OW and a tramp. It doesn't matter what happend or happens in the future. Their relationship is destined to crumble. My wH's "soulmate" broke up with HIM earlier this year. And his fogginess is still wierd. Just the other day he said something foggy again like "when the d is over and blah blah blah..then goes on to say that "you never know and anything can happen" (referring to us reconciling after divorce in the future. Glad there are great dreams in the fog...lol...His "soulmate" got upset b/c he didn't get a divorce fast enough. So she moved on and is stalking other prey now probably.

Do what I have to do. And it works...Just refocus. Whenever you think about him, just block it out. Immediately tell yourself "to stop it" and say it out loud if necessary. This has helped me so much. I no longer really even care that much. He's not the man I married. And if in the future, even after the divorce, he's gonna get a hard lesson in reality. How you lose something so precious. He may never even get the chance to ever even consider having me back. I never want to be in the place I was emotionally earlier this year and this time last year ever again. Would rather have teeth pulled with no sedation...Nope.

Yes it hurts. But THANK GOD every day that when you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror that you like who you see staring back at you. You didn't rip a family apart. You aren't committing adultery. You have your dignity and the love and respect of your kids. And your friends and family know this too. Who does this guy think he's fooling??? They think people don't know they are acting like a junior high school student pulling these stupid stunts..Nobody is really fooled except those wandering around aimlessly in the fog.

Oh, this is hilarious. My stbx sent me an email about male parenting and how it is just as good as female parenting. He said "now doesn't our son have it good?". I shake my head when I think of him in this horrible fog. Every once in a while, he comes out of it and mentions to me, three times in the last week when we are supposedly only speaking about our son, that we can't get personal with each other and think about anything else until the d is done. Funny, but I don't try to get personal. Now that his "soulmate and best friend" abandoned him, the novelty of singleness and dating around may not be so terribly appealing to this guy as much as it once did. But he is still up to his old ways jetting here and there. Off to the carribbean next weekend and saying it is for business. Oh well, when I go after the d, I will say if it is for pleasure whether he likes it or not.

Just get off the ride. They will try to chain us into those seats and keep us riding and riding but I want to stay off for forever. When I found out that stbx is going to carribbean on "business" I didn't even think about it. Sure he's probably bringing another you know what with him, and I don't care...After all, what would one more affair be now? He broke our vows. He knows I am starting over after the d and will not be shy about my dating. So he's gonna have to deal with that day. That will be a day he will learn what riding the roller coaster feels like, except I won't bother telling him anything. He will have to just imagine me and my new life...

Every time you feel that ride coming on, imagine and think about what NEW things you are doing and how you are better now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Wow,

Thank you all for your prayers, concern, advice and wisdom. I truely appreciate your taking the time to help me through this--I don't know what I would do without you. People who haven't been through it--really have a hard time relating.

I am still hurting....but the pain is slowly abiding....I realize I need to pull myself back together. Part of it is lack of sleep--and feeling overwhelmed by my life in general.

Sometimes, I just feel numb inside. I forced myself to go to work these last two days....Monday because we stayed up late watching Harry meets Sally, and Tuesday because of the phone call. The phone call really threw me for a loop. I DO have a hard time accepting the fact that my daughter is able to be around this woman.

I realize that this will eventually have to happen, but it is still hard. I really feel betrayed. Do you know how many times I have held Meg and all my kids, comforting them when my exH has done something *ssinine? And they know what this woman has done....Oh well.

Meg called last evening to talk to me...and I still wasn't ready to discuss anything--I didn't talk to her and I haven't called her back yet. I realize I have to get over these feelings before I can talk to her. But I am formulating in my head what I think I am going to say to her when I do talk to her. How does this sound?

"Meg, I have to admit I was hurt by the situation the other day. I realize that your father will always be your father--and you do need to re-establish a relationship with him. I know that he loves you. His behavior and his actions with his mistress around my children are really hard for me to see. It breaks my heart.
If you feel that you want to maintain a relationship and can handle a relationship with them, then you are old enough to make that choice. But for my own mental and physical health--I don't want to have to accept it, nor will I.

What they have done is totally against everything I believe in--I can't be asked to just move on and accept it. It will never be right with me. I can't afford to go through the pain I have felt for the past two years dealing with these two people-- and the phone call reignited a lot of those feelings. It is too hard to deal with those feelings and still function with my everyday activities. It is hard for me to go along with acceptance. I have to--for my own sanity--pull away from this situation. Your relationship with your father will have to be yours. If you decide to accept her as part of that relationship--that decision will have to be yours also. You know that I will always love and support you in whatever way I can. But I can't be supportive of them--and especially not with my kids.

I don't know what else to say to her....I know she wanted me to know. And I think she wanted me to say it was ok....but I still can't say that. Does this make sense? Pat

MnM -

Good reply.

Just went to therapist today and this is what she said.

She said that you need to not hide your feelings about the divorce from your kids.

That you need to acknowledge that divorce makes people sad, mad, whatever. And that while these feelings may change in the future, they are very real to you now.

This is to basically give the OK to the kids to have those feelings too, and then once they can acknowledge them, then they can work through their own feelings too.

Kids don't need to know the specifics, but they also don't need to know that this is normal or that you should just pretend everything is ok. Because it's not ok, even if WH wants to pretend it is.

I'm sure that you have great instincts, listen to them, trust them and know that what you are feeling is normal and OK and to feel free to act accordingly and don't apologize for your feelings. Feelings are not wrong. They are not good or bad - they are simply a response. And they occur to make you act in a certain way - anger is a big red flag to warn us that something is not right and that certain action needs to be taken.

I'm doing what you are. I'm not buying into ExH's pretend reality where everything is fine - because it's not reality. We are still hurting and I'm sorry if Ex is tired of the anger and sadness, but it may not go away for a very long time after what he did. And his trying to force things into a pretty picture will not work and is not good for the kids.

You are right to gently remind your daughter of the situation and to let her know that you are upset and why.

She probably needs to get in touch with her feelings too, and may take your lead, if not now then perhaps soon.

You are in my prayers. K

MIM,

Just my 2 cents as I have not been in that situation, it sounds like that is a healthy thing to say.
D.

Thanks GIIC and WGTT,

I wish I could get to a therapist...I am really having a hard time getting over this mess.

I hope I am doing the right thing. Somehow, I have to face the fact that my kids will continue their lives with their father....but my life will be going a different way. That is hard--especially after I feel like I devoted my life to him for the past 25 years. It is hard to reconcile the fact that that doesn't mean anything to him anymore. It is so sad to me.

After a year of hardly contacting the kids, he has suddenly realized how much he misses them--and is really working hard on winning them back. I guess that is good for them...I guess....

How could anyone convince themselves that is for the good of the kids and the family? I don't even think at this point that it is good for me--although I am realizing how horribly he has treated me over the years. I guess that is a good thing--I never would have admitted it before. I guess I should be pleased with a little bit of progress.

Well, I have to run...my daughter wants to ck her email...Thanks for the support...Pat