Ok, now I'm really confused. I have recently found out over the past week that there are 2 people who want to ask me out. WH and I have been separated for 2 months, and he is filing papers the end of this month. I've been devastated by this, but I think I've known for 2 years that our marriage wasn't where it should have been. I would have stayed in it forever, though, but since finding out about H's EA and PA of the past 2 years, we have separated. (His idea) He wants to pursue his relationship with OW. Now, having had some time to think on my own, I'm wondering if I won't be happier without him. I'm actually smiling more and laughing more without worrying about him.

To make matters worse, I have found that a fellow teacher (who is also a preacher!) has gone through this same situation this spring. He has been asking people about me, wondering if I'm divorcing or ready to date yet. (Asked a mutual friend) I"m very flattered, for he is very good looking, and, of course, very very nice. Plus, he satisfies my first criteria, which is being a Christian. Also, someone I went to high school with is asking about me, too, and I'm flattered about that as well. Now I'm torn between wanting my marriage to stay together (even though my H doesn't want it) and going out to meet new people.

What is ya'll advice????

Thanks, all posts appreciated.

Kimmy2 -

My advice is to get divorced first before dating. Until the gavel falls you are a married woman.

Then take things with anyone slow. I've talked to a lot of people who say that you should plan on your first relationship being a "throw away", but I think that's because people just move too fast.

Best of Luck to you.

Don't do it! You may be feeling happier at the moment, but it's temporary. As you deal with lawyers and your stbx you will find alot of difficult times ahead. You need to find strength in yourself before involving another person.... it's not fair to him. You will find that you are really not emotionally ready to be a good partner to anyone else right now. If you have children, they will also need you now, and you'll stretch yourself way too thin. If this guy who's interested is really for you, he will understand when you tell him that you need to be divorced for a year before you consider new relationships. If he's just been through the same thing, he needs time to heal too.

Kimmie,

I don't know your story of your marriage, but I would not even entertain thoughts of dating other men right now for a few reasons-- 1. You are not yet divorced. Separation is not the same as divorce, and you are still a married woman. 2. You may lose any chance at reconciliation if you get involved with another man because your husband will see it and if you've told him you want to reconcile, your words will mean nothing to him. 3. You are in a very vulnerable place and need to first heal before considering dating anyone! I know it wouldn't be easy, but most counselors/experts say you should give it AT LEAST a year or two before remarrying. There is alot of healing that needs to be done!

I am sure it is very, very tempting because your husband has been unfaithful to you and it is a way to sort of "get back" at him, but remember the verse that says, "Vengence is mine says the Lord." And also you are probably really craving love and companionship and a new, exciting romance, but whatever problems you had in your marriage now, will likely be present in a future marriage unless you take the time (lots of time) to deal with your hurts, your expectations, your own issues as well as forgiveness of your husband. Second marriages have a very high divorce rate because people get too quickly into them without resolving the issues that affected their first marriage. Take the time to resolve those issues and work through things even though the loneliness will be difficult.

I don't know your situation at all... just from what you said on this post. It sounds as if it is pretty ugly and painful though and you are faced with some temptation of these men, but I would urge you as a sister in Christ, to commit yourself fully to God and not even consider a new dating relationship at this point. God will take care of you! He will either restore your marriage (let's hope! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) or He will bring you a new husband at the right time, but right now is probably not the right time because your divorce is not even finalized (so you are still married) and you are too emotionally vulnerable, etc.

It probably would also be hard on your sons to see you with another man. I do think that if your husband is in the midst of an affair right now, you should remain separated from him but it would be really easy for you to look to these men to meet your needs rather than to Christ who can meet them much better than any man! He has things to teach you and it will not be easy at all, but I would wait on dating. I think it would be better for you to focus on female friendships as well as counseling, mentoring from a Godly woman, and some sort of support group.

Maybe you can explain this to these men. They will probably really respect you for it, and I have a feeling that if one of them is a good man whom you could someday marry, he will still be there when you have gone through some healing time. Trust the Lord! And be careful because you are very vulnerable right now. You do not want to get into a situation you might later regret. Also, this fellow teacher having gone through a similar situation, is also probably still healing and vulnerable.

Use discretion and seek the Lord. I believe He would want to heal your marriage and would want you to do all you could to be faithful in waiting for that. And I believe that your husband has a free will and if in time, he shows no remorse or repentance and he continues to have affairs, then he has abandoned you and you are free to remarry. But again, you need to give it time. The Lord will give you strength!

I have said alot and hopefully not too much! God bless you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Debbie

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: DeborahAnn ]</small>

Kimmy
How exciting for you to find that guys are interested in you! We all need that type of validation after having gone through infidelity. However, the other posters here are right.

1) Until you are divorced, you are still married. Even if your state recognizes separation, there is no in-between in God's eyes.

2) Everything that has gone on with your marriage is still "fresh" and you really should allow time to get acquainted with yourself again. To work on things about yourself. To give your kids time to work through things too, before you bring another man into the mix.

3) When you said a minister was asking about you, I got red flags going up all over the place. I recognize that those in ministry DO get divorced. I am on a church staff and I will probably become one of those sad born-again statistics. But for a minister to profess interest in someone who isn't divorced and is still going through all the emotional baggage seems a little concerning. Sorry, JMHO.

Anyway, take it slow...I know personally, if my marriage ends, I want to be able to look back and know without guilt that I did everything possible to not hasten that.

Kimmie-

Ditto what everyone else is saying and that is, make sure you're D is final AND you're emotionally ready before you jump back in. If this person that's asking about you is truly a man of god, he'll understand the delay. Good luck!

From someone who did not wait ... please do! You've got at least a year of rollercoaster emotions to deal with. Don't drag anyone along for the ride.

Your spouse has thrown you away for HIS happyness, every shred of trust and being faithful has been broken by him, no matter how bad things were when he was faithful he could have explained to his wife how he was feeling without being with another women. There is nothing between you and your husband other then paper, the ring means nothing more then a metal symbol of how he betrayed you now, get rid of that. My wife cheated on me and i will never wear the original ring again. My wife says she cant believe she could do that to me and that i am what she always dreamed of in a man. She told me she is going to make a necklace of our old wedding ring and wear it because it still means somthing to her. we will see, but if she decided to stay with the other man and i was interested in another person i would not hesitate to make myself happy.

Thanks so much for all of the advice. I really do appreciate it and I agree with it, too. My only thing is, since we have been separated, I've been finding that I'm actually happier now that I don't have to deal with the question of the OW on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong, I'm still deeply hurt by this, but I've realized I was in a fog for the past 2 years, too, trying to hold on to someone I couldn't please. I have a lot of good qualities, and I feel he ran me into the ground so much. I married a man who is very good looking (people never hesitated to comment on how good looking he was). Evidently, OW also thinks so, and she is also beautiful. I'm average, at the most "cute". My H told me a year ago during an argument that I pretty must "repulsed" him. That he hated to even touch me. We had forgone the nonsexual affection for a LONG LONG time. Occasionally we would play around, play fighting etc with the boys, but for about a year, even this hasn't been going on. I gained weight after the boys were born, and I'm very self conscious, although people tell me how cute I am all the time. I also wear a size 14, so I'm not tiny, but I have lost some weight. So, to find out that real men are interested in me is extremely flattering. I figured no one would ever be interested in me. EVER.
I know I'm still married in the eyes of the law, but I wonder if, since my H was going out with OW during our marriage telling me for a long time that it was a "friendship" (and I believe he did think it was a friendship to begin with) and telling me I would just have to accept it, I wonder if going out with someone just as "friends" and companionship is bad before the D. H is filing papers the end of this month, and while I really wish he'd turn back into the man I married, I don't think he will. I just want someone to talk to who is truly interested in ME. I know my morals are of a sort where I would never allow any physical contact until the D was final. (no kissing, or anything). I just want to spend time with someone of the opposite sex who likes ME. I've been deprived of that for so long. I suppose I'm saying I'd love an EA for the time being.
Please let me know if this is truly wrong, an EA until the D. I think I've been so unhappy for so long accepting things as they were that I have forgotten how to live.

Kimmy
We all know EXACTLY what you are feeling. But an EA still has the "A" in it. I understand that you are happier now...I am too, w/o my husband (the way he was). But in "a friendship" one thing can easily lead to another (no kissing will lead to kissing, which will lead to hand holding, which will lead to more physical contact...) and with your emotions involved {your own words}you are asking for trouble. Just like your husband thought, too. You would be duplicating his actions. You are a much better person than that, or you wouldn't be asking opinions here in the first place <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your self-esteem has taken a blow, everyone who is a BS feels those same things. But I really feel this is not healthy (my opinion) and you'd be so MUCH better off in the long run to work on YOU right now than to walk into an "EA". Hopefully the fact that these guys are interested is enough to carry you through this time in your life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings to you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by avondale25:
<strong>(no kissing will lead to kissing, which will lead to hand holding, which will lead to more physical contact...) and with your emotions involved {your own words}you are asking for trouble. Just like your husband thought, too. You would be duplicating his actions. You are a much better person than that, or you wouldn't be asking opinions here in the first place </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen!!!!!

Kimmy2

One of the great things about this site is that there is almost always someone who has been through an extremely similar situation to us. Therefore they can share with us the lessons that they learned.

Granted I&#8217;m may not be that person but you have got some great advice. You can try to justify your actions and emotions but the bottom line is that you are the one who will have to live with the consequences. As for nothing turning physical I can say from experience &#8220;BULL BUTTER&#8221;. I have a lot of female friends and many of them are either involved or married. And believe me the divorced man has been the one that has had to stop all unwanted advances. Relationships of nature really are pretty simple, someone starts meeting an emotional need and the next thing you know the party getting the need met, namely you, will crave more. I can honestly see how easy someone can have an affair.

As for me, I&#8217;ve chosen a different path. I have chosen to ensure that I was emotionally healed and through with the grieving process before starting to date. I&#8217;ve chosen to keep all other people out of my children&#8217;s lives until they are emotionally ready and after 1.5 years, they are still not ready. And I&#8217;ve chosen to walk closer to my Lord.

It&#8217;s all about choices.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

The way I see it, no good would probably come out of a relationship with these new men because it would not have started out right.

Personally, jmho, but the spiritual enemy is probably behind this somehow. There's another site I go to, Restore Ministries, and they talk about how, many times, when the WS is about to come back, the enemy sends other interested parties to throw everything off.

I can imagine how you must feel, but hold off for now. Undoubtedly, neither of those new men are God's will for you.

I really understand what ya'll are saying to me. I truly do, and I feel that it is good advice. I guess I've been hurt for sooooo long, as I said, I haven't had a companionship with someone for a while because while I was (and I know legally I still am) married, I'd have NEVER cheated, and I still won't do anything physical. But, my H has made it perfectly clear he wants out and wants to pursue his relationship with OW. He there is NO chance for reconsiliation, and we have had a bad marriage for a long time (according to him, and I suppose I'm finally admitting that, too). From my signature, you will see that I have NEVER dated anyone else but him. I've been with him since I was 15 years old, and now I'm about to be 32. My curiosity is, of course, piqued, and I would like to see how someone else will treat me.
Also, I think these guys are just asking about me. NO one has asked me out yet, so I'm probably jumping the gun, but if they did......I just wondered what I should do.
They may actually be waiting for the paperwork to be finished, too, before they make a move. One I don't know very well, but the other went to high school with me, and I'm sure both know what my values are.
Also, I have decided no matter what, my boys will not see me going out (even after the paperwork is done and I'm legally Divorced). I don't want to bring anyone into my kids lives right now, I'm just looking to go out and enjoy someone else's company who's been through what I've been through.
Opinions???? Does this make me a bad person?? I don't want to do anything wrong, and I really don't want any serious relationship, but I'm just ready for some fun with another adult (I have fun with the kids as it is).

Thanks so much.
Kim

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kimmy2:
<strong>Opinions???? Does this make me a bad person?? I don't want to do anything wrong, and I really don't want any serious relationship, but I'm just ready for some fun with another adult (I have fun with the kids as it is).
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course not, but it does make you vulnerable whether you can consciously see it or not. I've just watched a lot of people, just like yourself, do exactly what you want to do and end up in hurting themselves, their children, and or the other person.

So I guess I&#8217;m just saying be careful. Your youthful peeked curiosity could get you in a situation you don&#8217;t want to be in. And yes, you are &#8220;legally&#8221; married as well as in the eyes of the Lord.

But there are things that you can do to get more of that adult stimulation. Go to the gym, you can drool over hot guys while getting buff. I&#8217;ve joined a couple community groups with meeting once a month. Coach children in sports. Get involved with a church. Church&#8217;s have tons of activities and opportunity for companionship. I&#8217;m in an adult bible study that meets once a week, I teach Sunday school and I&#8217;m starting a Teen Group to help our local children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kimmy2:
<strong>Opinions????</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kim you asked.

I do not agree with the views presented here mainly because I a) do not believe in the religious aspects presented and b) because I do not subscribe to the chain of thought that healing takes X amount of time.

In my case I have seen myself be smashed against the walls of human capability by my stbx. My self esteem was at an all time low, so much so that I really no longer believed that my WW was at fault. After all it must have been me the bad person that disintegrated my marriage and caused her affairs, cutting, suicide attempts and abuse?

I am *only* two months separated in a marriage that died on her part a year ago. I too have met a woman by accident I wasn't looking...

I have told her my story and she understands my issues. You could say I am on a rebound, I would say that is not the case. I am emotionally stronger now than ever, I see my WW as she is (remember this is with Harley consultation) and I know I have to divorce. She is living her life and I am living mine.

In my view I believe effective boundary setting is essential and that you can do this and enjoy this. A simple, vebal, non-physical interaction has increased my joy of life no end, and made me realise what a hell my life has been for several years, a realisation that no IC or MC could do.

Of course be wary and guarded, I do not say otherwise, but be happy, not miserable for the next 1.5 years. I see my friend weekly and we talk frequently by phone and email. We are not sexual and I have no intention of being so.

Does it make you a bad person? Not in my mind as described above. Of course my M situation is extreme but I dont believe it changes my viewpoint on this.

Regards Neil.

Thanks again for the varying opinions. It has given me lots to think about.
Yes, I'm a Christian, and have always been a "good girl" wanting to always do what was right. My H was also a "good boy", although somewhere along the way he's gotten sidetracked. Anyway, I've also come to see him differently since the separation. I realize how relieved I am from not having to please him every day or worry if he was mad about something. I literally wondered everyday (toward the end) while we were still together if he was mad at me, or if we would have sex, or whatever. I am finally feeling a sense of relief. He used to put me down in front of other people, but I would take it thinking he was just "joking" or whatever, and now I don't have to worry about what other people think of that anymore.
I know it sounds so cliche, but I truly just want a "friend" to talk to, albeit one of the opposite sex (I already have same sex friends I talk to). I won't rule out anything turning into a relationship later, but while nothing is final yet, I also realize I am still married in the eyes of God as well as the law. However, for so long H was going places with OW on the pretense of being just a friend, and still claims that's all it was at that time. What would be the harm in going out with someone just as a friend, but making sure the D was final before anything else. I mean, H is totally sure this is what he wants, and I'm not so sure I could go back to the way it was anyway.
I realize I may be vulnerable, especially since I am so inexperienced in the "dating" game. But, I know I will guard my heart because I was living a lie for so long thinking that we would be together forever because we were only with each other.
As I said, I don't want my kids to be around me with someone else (although they WERE around H and OW while they were supposedly "friends"--a fact that makes me incredibly angry right now). As a matter of fact, H was with OW and our kids and her kid the Wednesday before the Sunday that I found out that there was a PA going on. (had been going on for 3 months according to H.). In fact, someone asked her if they were having an affair the other day, and she used our kids being friends as her alibi (said, "no, our kids are just good friends"--which is a total lie--they only see each other when H and OW got together) So, I will not involve my kids in any of this until much much much later and only if I think it may be a long term HEALTHY relationship. They are too young to see any of that, and I have my kids most of the time as my H didn't even want joint custody. He gets them every other weekend, and except for watching them some while I go to class working on my master's degree, that's all he does. He doesn't even call them, and that makes me mad at him, too.

You are only married on paper, yes you kept your oath to god and now its over. You didnt end the marriage, your husband became ex-husband when he slept with another woman. Waiting until some government official to say its over means nothing. You both decided it's over.

I feel exactly how you do, i was thrown away and forgotten and my wife was the virgin and had the affair. Yes, she is sorry now but we have I am the one who pays for her mistake.

Divorces can take 1-2 years easy with children involved and your already 30 somthing.

If the person your interested in understands whats going on with your life then why not have some fun. If you like the man and somthing more happens then just friendly conversation, would that be bad?