I posted about a month ago and I thank everyone who responded. I have been trying plan A as best as I could but to no avail. In fact, things have progressivly gotten worse. W wants a divorce. W wants us to try and be friendly together and decide everything without lawyers to save money.
I have asked her why things have seemed to go down hill so fast. W says in her mind things were over several months ago. I wish she let me in on this. I feel as if I lost before I even had a fighting chance. I know I wasn't meeting her important emotional needs. I asked her many times over the months what she meant exactly by emotional support. W believed I should know and we got nowhere. We both ignored eachother and things are where they are because of that. The usual statements from her-she doesn't love me and doesn't think she ever can again. We should move on so we can find others to be happy with.
On a side note-we have been M 6 years, together 12. One 3 year old boy. W is 35 and I am 39. I work full time. W works part time second shift in a hospital. She has changed and has had an emotional (at min.) affair which she denies. the signs are there-private cell phone, new outfits including sexy underware, her own new friends, goes out dancing/bars with her friends, went on a conference out of town with OM, etc. I know the affair is a consequence to the demise of a M. I believe A is over atleast from his side.
I just have a lot of mixed emotions. I know I CAN D her, but I feel that is the wrong thing to do for many reasons. We,I believe have been in love, good friends, a wonderful child together, I thought a future together; you know, "until death do you part".
I have seen a councelor but W doesn't want go. I don't think I can amiably divide and agree on everything involved. I feel like I failed and lost without even had a chance. I am frustrated, bitter and resentful about many things. I have somewhat given up, but there would still be hope if I had something, anything from W to indicate such. I just hate to give up. It's especially tragic for my son. He's so young but not young enough to be oblivious. Any suggestions? I really don't know what to do.

If you don't want the divorce then let her file it.

A WS in the fog is not a person that can be trusted in any way shape or form. What comes out of their mouths is usually lies.

I suggest that you contact an attorney and find out what your rights are for your State, for you may be in danger of signing away your rights if your WW pressures you to sign any type of legal documentation.

The irony is that the more a BS longs for the return of the WS (the WS picks this up a mile away), the more the WS is reluctant to return. Yet the moment the BS finally shows signs of letting go, the WS starts to question the desire to leave the M and often expresses the desire to return to work on the M. I'd like to suggest you read the thread by an older MB member by the name of wrngler, whose WW is expressing some doubts about her decision to having moved with her OM. His thread's title is is she being more responsive or just wishful thinking .

Good luck and God bless.

DD,

I know the pain of having your spouse wanting a divorce and you not wanting one. This happen to me almost 3 years. Praise God I am still not divorced. I found this web www.restorem.org site 2 days before I was to go to court. I posted a prayer request and based on the testimonies I read, I decided not to go to court. My husband didn't show up either. He still hasn't gotten the divorce and our relationship is much better now. He is not home yet but we do things together.
I didn't want the divorce either and no one offered hope until God led me to the web site I mentioned above. All things are possible with God.

gentle

DD -

Well, there are several ways to go. One, you can read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. It has dome good insights about how to handle this type of situation.

I do agree with TOO Much Coffee Man - you don't file if you don't want to, and the WS CANNOT be trusted.

Neither of you should be making life changing decisions so quickly.

There is a book called A Case Against Divorce by Judith Wallerstein that tells about all the harmful affects divorce has on kids - it traced some children from childhood to adulthood. Interesting read for those who are thinking about filing for divorce.

But the bottom line is what YOU can handle emotionally. Don't let WS push you into anything that you are not ready for.

I'd be seeing a counselor and praying and trying to work through the pain of the rejection.

It will take months for you to even do that.

However, know that in the end, the WS has free will and will do what they want come hell or high water. At that point you need to get the best deal for you and your kids and then work on teh relationship after the divorce, that is if you still want too.

But the bottome line to think of YOU and YOUR CHILDREN first because you know WW is not going to.

My prayers are with you. K

Your story is almost exactly what mine was in January of this year. I too thought that the affair was over. come to find out, it was just placed on the back burner, ready to be reheated at a moment's notice.

Well, all I can say is what someone told me on this site. Everything in what you have said is EXACTLY the same as what my wife told me. I too thought her affair was over, but I was soon to find out that not only was it not over, but went WAY beyond emotional.

I hate to say this, especially since I don't know, but everything you say sounds like she is not only continuing the affair, but may have moved on to another or moved into a physical affair, both of which my wife had done.

Every single thing you say is exactly what I said and I thought that there was NO WAY that she could be capable of doing it so I didn't believe it, until I found 294 messages on her email. All I can say is this sounds so familiar in all ways. I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. I hope that I am wrong, but would be truly surprised if I was. Especially with the sexy underware thing. My wife started wearing thongs when she started her affairs. I thought I was just a lucky man to have a wife that wanted to be sexy. Little did I know that I wasn't the one who was getting lucky.

I guess that I still sound somewhat bitter. I truly am not. But I don't want you to find out the same way that I did, or go along for 6 weeks like I did, still believing in my wife's character.

Just be aware that this may be a possibility and search it out if you see fit. It might be the only thing that saves your marriage. Although it couldn't save mine, finding out did give me 4 more months in which to change myself into a better man, father, and husband. I might not be the husband she wants, but I would venture to guess that there are several worthy women out there who would want me as I am, for who I am, for what I am.

Don't give up, but the best way to save your marriage is to save yourself first. At least that is the only thing you will ever be able to control.

Take care.

Hi DD - your post sounded so familiar, only it's my WH. Some of the comments they make must be a recording that all WS are required to commit to memory...I too know what you mean with the "till death do us part." I felt that way too - didn't do any good, he still filed for divorce 3 days ago. Of course not because of the OW, she was not even a factor - duh - that's whay he went to meet her right after he filed the paperwork. Hang in there - you sound like one heck of a person to me, and she's the one who loses. Formerly's comments were also right on. My councelor told me I have to start focusing on what to do for me, and start letting go - I'm sure you've heard the same. DO THAT. I'm starting to, and it does help. In some bizarre way, it also makes us more interesting to the WS...hang in there!!

OK, here's a woman who -will file for divorce-'s point of view. First of all I am not having an affair. I believe my husband is. I think the affair is only a symptom of a long dead marriage. Even if he wasn't having the affair I would have still filed for divorce because we are not lovers anymore. On an emotional level I feel completely distant to him. He has not been meeting my emotional needs for years and I have finally given up on trying to love him.If there had been a man that I was remotely interested in, I would have had an affair too. I am sure your wife wants to be loved by someone. I am sure she felt just as lonely as I did. Take her advice, a noncontested divorce can save you a lot of money. You can still get your own attorney if you want, but you don't have to. My husband has agreed to a noncontested divorce because he knows that with his affair I will take him to the cleaners if he objects to anything. On my part I want full custody of our child any only half of our monetary assests.(By the way I work full time and make just as much as he does). Good luck

DD,

I think you may be my long lost twin. I to am a BS and my W isn't meeting my needs. I can only speak for myself and my advice may mean nothing. I agree w/ not filing unless you want to. Just tonight we had an argument and was told "apparently I'm not making you happy and I am willing to lose you so that you can be". My response was "I'm sorry that you feel that way (wanting to leave) but I'm not ready, I will tell you that if you want a D then that is your decision and I can't do anything about changing your mind". I went on to say that I would go the end of the world to save and regain what we had but only to make it better.

Many times (tonite included) I have felt like I was at the end of my rope, but through faith (mind you I'm not that religious) I think the fog will lift and that things will get better. Don't be rash. Like me linger, vent and post. There are alot of vets... with lots and lots of knowledge on this forum. Some advice I immediately take to heart some I just have to remember after I've screwed up.

I hope that your pain as well as mine fades into the past soon. I don't know if can be of much help but I'm willing to try to help any way possible. BB if your out there give US some good advice???? I know that I can count on you for help!! DD chin up it seems that time has given me more good days than bad. But persistance in yourself and faith that she can change and see the error of her ways ( not meeting EN ) is all that we can ask for. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ November 15, 2002, 05:53 AM: Message edited by: therod ]</small>

DD,

It is much better to be a Boy Scout at times likes this "Be Prepared", you know it's better to act then have to re-act. If you wife truly wants a divorce then she will get one and you can't control that. However you can:

1. Continue with your Plan A and working at being the best person you can.

2. Be an awesome dad.

3. Search within yourself for those traits that need work and take the time NOW to work on them.

I would totally recommend researching all the divorce laws in your state. I would also check into the judges in your area. Then, when you have some knowledge, spend $200 and get a consultation with an attorney. Work out all the custodial, financial, and property situations. Then if it ends up divorce time, you will know pretty much exactly where you stand.

As a side note, many courts today are pushing "mediation" and other resources to try to get people to make agreements rather than Judges make decisions. I guess I'm saying the hindsight her request is not unreal but make sure you do it on your timeframe.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers