I am getting so sick and tired fo the way my H is talking to me lately. It usually happens in the morning when we are in a rush - but that is no excuse. I will give you today for example. We were in the normal rush trying to get us and the two kids ready for the day, my Daughter asks for me to cut an asprin in half and I carefully do it on the counter as to not make a mark - he freaks - starts yelling "what the hell are you doing - can't you do anything right? you do such stupid things!" Then I say "i have to get going - I can't be late today" I proceed to help (or I thought I was) by getting his coffee ready for him, I thought the glasses were full of hot water and I open the lid and accidently pour some coffee out - I say "oops, sorry,i thought it was water. He starts yelling again - Just get the hell out of her - man you can be stupid sometimes - then we are at the top of the stairs he says "go start the car" I say I can't get through (with no anger or rudeness) he then flips out again yells at me - As we are driving away I ask him, what is the problem and why are you being so nasty? He then proceeds to say "you do such stupid things, blahblah blah" I tell him if you don't agree with the way I do things, fine, but at least talk to me with respect, I am your wife - not a child and I deserve to be treated with respect - not yelled at and talked to rudely. Well then he really started yelling. This brought a few tears to my eyes, he then just started saying "can't you just shut up and not go on about this, just shut the F*** up? " I did just that and didn't say another word to him, he still continued! He put down the way I was driving, yelled at me b/c I passed somebody. When I got to work I turned off the car and walked out in silence - I am so angry with him - he just doesn't see how he is talking. My question is does this classify as verbal abuse? How do you get somebody like that to realize the way he is talking - he often immitates as well - which I find totally immature and disrespectful. <BR>Any suggestions?

Sounds like you need to skip down to the Women's bible study and read the huge thread on Boundaries in Marriage, which encourages you to set boundaries on such things as allowing yourself to be impacted by his dishonoring behavior.<P>Sounds like your hands are full taking care of the kids and getting them and yourself out the door, so let H get himself out the door. He obviously is not appreciativee of your efforts to help, so let him do it all himself, clothes and all. <P>Find what you need to do so that your morning is not so rushed and that peace can permeate in the house. Is it getting more things done the night before, helping the kids set out stuff or packing lunches? Is it getting up 30 minutes before everyone else, so you have some peace to start your day? His behavior is inappropriate, but you must realize that you are allowing the behavior by not choosing boundaries to respond differently.

Fedup,<P>I would say that counts as verbal abuse. Demeaning someone is not right. I used to critize my wife as well, although not as bad, especially when I was frustrated or stressed out. It was a mehod of covering up my inadequacies for things not going the way I thought they should. I would find a time when you both are relaxed to bring it up. I would then tell him how his yelling makes you feel and that you will not tolerate being yelled at. Use statements like, "I feel angry and inadequate when you yell at me. I would like for you to stop yelling at me and treat me with respect." This then puts the ball into his court. I would also try waking up a little earlier to make things go smoothly. My guess is that there are other deeper issues at work here. Try to identify any of them. Often anger like this is caused by resentment or insecurities. I wish I could be more help.

I agree with the above comments. This is verbal abuse. As I read your story, I can feel what you must be going through. Try and pick a calmer time of the day and discuss how this makes you feel. Also, does he do it in front of the children? If so, he needs to know that this will affect them also. My H taped my phone conversations (another story) but when he went back and listened to how he talked to me, he realized how angry he sounded. I had been telling all along and he never believed me. Maybe, if you think your H wouldn't totally freak out, you could tape such a conversation and play it bacck for him to hear later. Hearing it might change his mind about the way he approaches you.<P>cleo<P><p>[This message has been edited by cleopatra (edited October 16, 2000).]

Thank you for your replies, it definately makes me feel supported. He seems to have a way to make me feel like I'm the one to blame for this. Right now I am feeling very angry, he is picking me up soon, I hope I can keep this from turning into another fight. Yes, he does do it in front of the kids which totally bothers me, and my oldest daughter seems to be starting to do it too, yet she gets in trouble when she talks back to him like that. He just doesn't see it. I have thought about taping it, and I just may. Something has to make him realize this, I can talk until I am blue in the face about respecting me but somehow he just turns it all around and says "you have issues to deal with" I just become speechless at this,hopefully I can open his eyes because more and more he is just pushing me away and I can see it making me start to resent him.<BR>THanks again.

Dont bother labelling it as abuse. It probably is, but so what? Does it do you any good that you have an inflammatory label? He sure is most impolite and inconsiderate. How did he get that way? Follow Michele's way of trying a 180. Flat out tell him that your plan will be to do everything his way. You can darn sure bet that this will get his attention, especially if there is a problem in the kitchen or the household. <BR>The reason that this works is that it demonstrates rather than preaches. I would bet he wants far less responsibilities than he sounds like.<BR>If you want more trouble, just tell him that he is abusive. <BR>Have him right down all of the things about you that he would like to change. There are some changes that you could make. Do what you can to keep your cool for a couple of weeks and then ask him if you could submit changes in him that you would like.<BR>Mention that in marriage, you got together, at least in part, because you had wishes to accommodate each other. Tell him that it makes sense to you to try that again AND THEN DROP IT--DON'T PUSH FOR AN ANSWER.<BR>Remember, he is a very distressed guy and the way he lives out his distress is enough punishment for now. Don't be a punisher, yourself. <BR>From a guy who was accused of being emotionally abusive--and she was the one who broke chairs, radios, hit me and threw fruit! Trust me, labelling is of the least value to you, at this time.<BR>You have a right to be very upset, but don't beat yourself up and don't retaliate to him, either. <BR>Find someone who will help you cope without mentioning divorce as the first option. These bad patterns can change. There is something that you can do to help him get better control. It's not necessarily your job, but you may want to look for the keys that will help you both. Remember, it is not your fault and it does precious little good to find friends here or elsewhere who say it is all his. <BR>Somehow, a very bad pattern developed between the two of you, and since you are the only one we can write to, see if you can come up with something to minimize the bad and maximize the good. I did it, despite a very worthless therapist.<BR>Good luck<BR>R

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fed up:<BR><B>I tell him if you don't agree with the way I do things, fine, but at least talk to me with respect, I am your wife - not a child and I deserve to be treated with respect - not yelled at and talked to rudely.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This sounds like the right kind of message to give him, but it has to be delivered quietly, calmly, and firmly. "We can talk about this when you calm down. I will not allow you to talk to me this way." <P>(This approach is pretty effective on kids' temper tantrums, by the way, which is basically the kind of behavior your husband is exhibiting.)<P>I hesitate to suggest anything, though, because he sounds real out-of-control. I'd hate to give you advice, and then hear later that it caused the situation to escalate into something dangerous.<P>Take care.<P>

Thanks for all your replies, it helps.<BR>Roger, I have not told him that he is verbally abusive, I just asking if this kind of behaviour is abusive? He has always had a temper - ever since I knew him, I guess I should of took that as a warning.<BR>Right now everything is okay between us, the whole thing just kind of got dropped. I will have to try to tell him next time he blows up that I will not let him talk this way to me and come back when he has calmed down and maybe try to get him to write things down on a list as Roger said, I hope this works. Thanks for all your input.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by fed up (edited October 19, 2000).]

Just a suggestion - in the boundaries department... <P>You might want to have an alternate method to get to work and get the kids to school in case you do have to call your boundaries and find a different means of transportation in order to fulfil your boundary. Be sure when you set a boundary that you can do what you say. <P>Blessings