ATW:

Sorry to hear that you are down. If your H seeks an out he is surely making a mistake. The paradox, however, is that you are not going to be able to control his actions, you can only work on you. So write down what you think YOU could do to make yourself happy (Two or three achievable goals!). Take ownership of your goals and work at it. You will succeed. And if you're happy, who knows your H may want you back!! just a thought...

LI,

Thank you for the prayers. I will accept them gratefully!!

Listen, I did want to say this:

I have been VERY blessed over the last two years, but most especially over the last six months. I have recieved gifts of money when I least expected it, or a care box with food... and even airline tickets to see my family in California (in fact, I am going on a Thanksgiving trip!)...

Truly, God has blessed me.

My problem with God, if you will, is the 'why's?' I'm always asking and trying to figure out. I joke about wishing that God would sky-write what I'm suppose to do... my trouble is that I DO something and then want God to fix all the frayed pieces... I guess I'm pretty human in that way too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sheryl:

I am sooo glad that you can come to California for Thanksgiving. I have shamelessly borrowed a poem about God from Leilana's thread that I saw a few days ago. See if this applies to your situation....

Quote

I Asked God

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away,
but for you to give it up.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you..

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own! ,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

THIS DAY IS YOURS DON'T THROW IT AWAY
May God Bless You

Unquote

LI,

Thank you for passing along that poem... it pretty much sums up my life!!!

I just read it to my husband and he said, "Ah, yep!"... he's really more talkative normally, but the man knows when he sees the truth, and lotsa fancy words aren't needed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Oh, and about my leaving this place... I laughed my fool head off as I ran across one after another "Goodbye" post...

I'd post links, but *that* would be pretty embarrassing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Let's just say that I'm a fixture... and I do back away at times (my cave visits where I sit in the back, in the dark, thinking)... but I always come back. Sometimes, truthfully, I wonder why, but I do... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sheryl:

Glad you like the poem. I liked it too...Thanks to Leilana for that.

Remember, you come here because many of us would like (and want) you to. "It blesseth him that giveth and him that taketh...". Visit us as often as you please..

I have seen a therapist since all this started, but am beginning to wonder how much help its been. I take antidepressants too but think I need to switch to a differnt kind. I am so down, though these never caused my any side effects (no jitters or grogginess).

The last time he moved out & filed, I held to my belief he'd be back and the whole thing had just been a few months & there was a lot I didn't know. All my friends said I was doing better,looking better & I had lost 30 lbs.

This time I am hysterical on the inside, dying. I just cry & cry but even that hurts too much. I have no goals, no hopes, no dreams, nada. I gained back much of that weight, the rest since recovering from surgery & being restricted from activity. My physical appearance has gone bzzzt, and I dont even care. I look like a rag, feel like a rag. I dont beg or plead or nothing in front of him, but certainly am not happy. I work a 2nd job to make ends meet. The house looks like a tornado blew threw there. I have no idea who I am anymore, nor what I want.

I think this time he has left I am worse off. I feel it that he wont be back, that I was not important enough to him for him to ditch OW. He has left everything behind, me, our marriage, our history, our home, everything, exccept her. I know I cannot control his actions. I long since quit that. But the hurt grows & grows.

I have 3 close female friends I spend time with, but of course their husbands are my H's friends. BUT he rarely talks to them anymore and they have seen MY pain etc & believe ME in what has happened and are sad for ME! That says alot. They have told me "my house is your house anytime". That means alot considering these men come from cultures where they do not socialize with women outside of their wives hardly at all!! ANd yes my jerk STBXH is from this same culture! HA!!

I spend time at their homes still. Their kids (all under the age of 5) have filled that huge void in my heart. I have become quite the "auntie". The sad thing is the kids ask about "uncle" alot and miss him very much too. They ask about him constantly! Yes, I wish he were there too. They have potlucks these days for religious activities & I am there. Sometimes H is too, but we dont hardly see each other & he sneaks off without saying bye.

I dont know what I want. Other than marriage & truth, I really have NO idea what it would take to make me happy. Everything is SO fleeting.

New B: How much have you been able to trust again in new marriage. How do you ever get to the point where you are ok with someone even talking to you or meeting them. I cant even get that far. I am a lost cause.

Well, a month before I was 17, my mother and grandparents who raised me had died. The house had to be sold, my dog & cat were taken to the shelter & put to sleep & I had to return to the States to live with an uncle & family. I did not want to come. I never had counseling or guidance for those horrific losses. Now here I am again, age 38 losing the only family I have known since then basically, and was facing the risk of losing my home until he finally agreed he'd sign it to me. I have no where else to go. WAH! BOO HOO!

I just cant seem to pick myself up again. SO LI, include me in those prayers!

Dear AgainstTheWind,

Your story sounds so much like mine. My heart goes out to you.

My Ex-H left me twice, I have no real family to speak of, altho I'm rekindling my relationship with my mom after numerous years of no contact.

I felt like you did for a long long time. But each day did get better. But it only got better because I worked at it, I did the HARD stuff. I faced the fact that "I" am the only one that can change things for me. "I" am the only one responsible for my happines, it's all up to me.

It may sound trite, but it is TRUE.

I am still struggling with all of the betrayal and abandonment ... but I am leaps and bounds from where I initally was after my H did his ugly deeds.

I backslide real bad some days, and cry up a storm. Feel very depressed, but I keep telling myself this is natural, I have to go thru it, it's part of the healing process. The cycle does seem never ending, but I have to admit that there IS progress.

I am proud of ME now, I've been humbled by all this (altho I didn't think I had to have two lessons of H betraying and leaving me), but the humbling makes you strong. You realize you survived it and it didn't kill you like you thought.

The things I worry about now is "TRUST" in general, and with men I'm sure I will have more profound trust issues that will need work on my part. But, it's a journey and not a destination, so I can chose to be bitter, untrusting and angry ... or I can chose to make myself happy and let the bad things go.

I think that's the biggest challenge, letting the bad things that have happened to me GO.

I will pray for you. There is hope for you and I. Because if I can get thru this and be a happy person one day, ANYONE CAN.

Love,
Jo

Well ATW,

We've ALL been there at some time... boy, oh boy.

Also, if you add in a healthy dose of guilt, you'd be exactly like my ex-H.

The man could barely function for a year, lost so much weight he was almost unrecognizable, and people thought he had cancer. I used to say he looked like Rock Hudson, the AIDS years, and he DID.

He walked (strutted) around like he had the world on a string until I left him, and by then I just couldn't 'do' it anymore.

He moved out three, woulda been four times, in a year.

I hear you...

On a related note (to the original reason for this thread)... the Christmas thread now has a link to the thread I was trying to find in the first place - and I sure wasn't looking anymore.

Thanks cat!!

<small>[ November 15, 2002, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

Sheryl,

I TRIED to post this last night...but was told
your not logged on..ARRGGGG..and then my b/f came over and well..I gave up..and figured I'd get back
to it today...so here I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Look at your life as seasons...Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter..

Your Spring time is your youth..full of life, good and bad..flowers blooming, rain falling,
and such..both good and bad..

Your Summer is your young adult years..Sunshine, yet you still have summer storms, and droughts..
fires and regrowth..flowers still bloom..and so you have both..good and bad..

And then you get to the Fall of your life..Leaves
falling from the tree's (our bodies starting to sag) but, there is still the harvest..time for pruning..and preparing for the winter..making final preperations..looking back at the growth we've made and seen..and smiling..there are still days of sunshine in the fall..before winter and cold sets in..so again..both good and bad..

And then we hit the winter of our lives..old age..
where death is on the horizon..but even then there are still days where the sun peeks through on cold days..to bring warmth..even if just for short periods of time..the sun still shines..and some flowers still bloom bringing the sweet aroma with them..as winter draws to a close..you know Spring is just around the corner..it may not be your spring, but it will continue on down the path of your children..and their children..and that will make you smile...

I am still in the Summer..LOL..my kids are still young..but I do see fall right around the bend..

Hi TR,

Yes, I am certainly in my Fall. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I just got through watching one of those tear-inspiring Oprah's about breaking out of the box.

I'm realizing that I certainly DID break out, and no matter what the final result may be, I did take a chance and did it. I needed to do it.

Life is all about changes, although the familiar feels so good, even when it's bad- if that makes sense. (I know it will make sense to those who have been abused)

Thanks again everyone... this really did help me... and I hope others...

ATW:

Your story is painful indeed. I will certainly include you in my prayer. I am curious about a comment in your post:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AgainstTheWind:
<strong> They have told me "my house is your house anytime". That means alot considering these men come from cultures where they do not socialize with women outside of their wives hardly at all!! ANd yes my jerk STBXH is from this same culture! HA!!
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pray, what culture is it?

And please keep posting here. We are all here to provide support. All the best.

Sheryl,

Like you for whatever reason have read some of my posts in my darkest days. I read them with rivers of tears running down my face, well you know how bad it was you were out there in cyberspace for me making sure I hung on 1 more day until I didn't have to do so anymore. For which I will be forever grateful.

I can still can very depressed about all this but I find when I am working that I do better.

I just have to finally get enough resolve to finalize the D & Stop letting the STBX walk all over me.

And as far as Christmas letters......2 yrs ago I was unhappy I didn't even send them and last yr I sent with just me & the boys names no explantation or anything. Funny thing I got very few inquries. The 1st 6 to 9 mths we were back it seemed a wk didn't go by when I didn't have to explain to someone where we had been & what happened. If nothing else I am glad that for the most part that is over

<small>[ November 15, 2002, 09:56 PM: Message edited by: sing ]</small>

Sheryl,

I have printed all my old threads from the past and it really brought me down to relive all the pain my H had caused. I had planned on keeping them in a file so I could gauge my/our progress, but I ended up having a nice fire with them. It was too painful for sure.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

~ Free ~

Hi sing! Hi Free!

Well today it has begun to snow... even sticking a little! The Santa Clause parade is this afternoon, and my husband's daughter is in it, so we're going (Hey, I don't need a *reason* - I LOVE parades!)...

It's a good day... and truly this is what I need to do... appreciate the DAY.

I do have much to look forward to also... a visit with my family for Thanksgiving... an early Christmas in the States, and then back to Canada to be with my husband for the holidays. Last night we decided that we can take $10 each to the Dollar store and buy little gifts for each other, for something to put under the tree. Looking for the blessings...

I also reconnected with a friend I haven't talked to for awhile, and she always reminds me of my truth - I AM WITH A WONDERFUL MAN. The past is just that ~over~ and I am in the NOW.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sheryl

Touche! More power to you.

new begining,

I did something I NEVER should have done. It began because someone wrote a thread about Christmas Letters - how hard they are when you're going through a divorce, especially.

Thank you for searching for that thread of WilliamJ's Christmas letter that you refered to, it gave me a laugh. Also it's good to see that people do get better. I hope that in a few years that I can look back & see just how far that I have come. Growth is a continuous process and if we ever stop, I think we are in troble.

Snow !!! I live in Florida so I don't get to see it unless I go up North.

D.

Hey LI,

Help me remember okay? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This week, when I hit another low point, you help me remember this...

Snow is sticking... ah, bliss. I bet my husband's daughter isn't appreciating it though. It's a long underware day for her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Football is on TV (local college and the snow is making a MESS)... our cat is asleep on the couch, as if she doesn't have a problem in the world (and she doesn't - life is VERY good for her! LOL)... reminds me of a book I received earlier this year, "Praying with Katie" -- I talked about this book on the Women's Bible Study earlier this year...

Katie is a cat, and the writer is her owner (or is it the other way around? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You cat-lovers understand)... and the owner, Don Holt, writes of the parallels of living a cat's life with living a life that God intended (it's a non-demoninational book - God is Whoever He is to you)...

He speaks of living... just living... for the moment... finding a comfortable place... caring for yourself because it is what you do... accepting the blessings, like food given to you not because you deserve it, but because you need it to survive... of being thankful, without even realizing you are thanking, but by respecting your life...

I read it last year and did a no-no... I highlighted it in places, like where he said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So I abandoned my cognitive contemplations, leaned my head back against the sofa, closed my eyes, and imagined myself draped and purring on my Lord's shoulder.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah, blissful... nice thoughts for a lazy, snowy Saturday morning.

Willgetthruthis,

Look at your NAME - it is AWESOME!!! See, you KNEW, when you signed up, that you would INDEED get through it!!

It takes that thing we have so precious LITTLE of, when all is said and done - TIME, TIME, TIME.

Gosh, three years... a little over for me... three years and my WHOLE WORLD has been turned completely UPSIDE DOWN.

Now that I'm on the other side, is it better? Like I said in the beginning - it is different. In some ways it *is* better, but the price was HIGH.

All in all though, when it all shakes down, I did my best given my abilities (both physical and emotional) and I got very lucky (and/or blessed) and found a super guy. This is important TO ME. It may not be anyone else's goal, dream, or hope. My original hope was to repair my broken marriage. It wasn't to be, so I am trying again. I'm either completely idiotic, or maybe just a dreamer, but either way, I GOT LUCKY. My husband is WONDERFUL, we have a GOOD and STRONG realtionship (and yes, we're still in the 'newlywed' stage since we've only been married 18 months)... but in 18 months with the ex I'd had doors ripped off hinges, holes punched in walls, and some potentially dangerous fights. Lots of passion. Now I have lots of peace, considering our struggles (mostly financial).

I'm still here at MB because I believe that all marriages that don't have abuse as a hallmark deserve to be repaired, healed, and strengthened... but if they can't be... we, as human's deserve to be loved by another... and that's what I craved, to be loved. And I am.

Excuse the mushy ramblings... LOL.

Hi again,

Well, my husband is listening to a music video tape on the TV, and I'm about to head to a HOT bath - very needed after the chill I got this afternoon!

The parade was a blast!! We couldn't see his daughter as she was on the other side of the float - bummer. "Float", by the way, is funny, because it's a local little deal, and the floats were pulled by semis, you know the kind.

It was SO <brrr> COLD... snowing, and the cocoa I made before we left was lukewarm after about 15 minutes. We bundled up, me most of all... and I had to laugh because you could sure tell who the true Canadian WASN'T (that would be me)... I was wearing three shirts under my coat, wool socks, a scarf with a hood and a hat over it, wrapped around my entire face so only my eyes were peeking out, two pairs of mittens that were good for nothing and I ended up bunching my fingers in a fist inside the gloves to keep them warm... and the WIND... yipes!... my butt was pretty wet because our back was to the drifts of snow blowing in... WHAT A WONDERFUL AFTERNOON!!

Okay, so this thread is pretty much done, I figure. Just wanted to check in one last time... and say thank you to all who helped me over this hump. It's amazing how some things never completely leave, and how you (we) have a choice to embrace them, ignore them, or just muddle through. I'm a muddler.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />