I guess people are right when they say that the WS will do it again.

Just heard today from someone who knows ExH that he's cheating on new wife/OW.

And they've only been married 3 1/2 months.....

I'm not happy, but it just reminds me that I'm now doing the right thing with the kids and with myself.

K

GIC - Oh My !!!! Is all I can say....yes you are definately doing the right thing !!! Are you sure - he must be a real piece of work - I always said that I wouldn't wish anyone cheating on someone even my worst enemy -- because it is pure hell what the BS goes through but - it must be some kind of sweet justice in some sick twisted way - just a little bit... You stay strong... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

GIIC,

Oh My!!!! What do you say? No I am sure that you are not happy!!!!

I am going to say protect your kids, don't let them get to attached to the W/OW as she may not be in the picture for long. I know you said something along these lines just the other day!!!! Am not sure how you go about protecting your kids. Perhaps you need to go after proof on XH so that you have it for court and can get his visitation cut back. Am not sure!!! This is definately not something that you and the kids needed, how awful for you to have this knowledge, I am sure it is hard to not retelate(sp).

God's blessings to you and the kids,

Dawn

GIIC<
K, I have the feeling that you were expecting this news.

What kind of surprises me is your indifferance to it all.
Yes you in your wise world kind of knew that this was coming-right?

This is not at all anything to be ashamed of. You knew your husband very well-probably better than the new wife.
Well, after knowing your posts, even you feel a little bit sorry for her now-just a tad.She probably thought that she had everything planned out.Me having 22 horses thought that she would atleast have to shovel some mannure.
Ok. K. You are such a classy lady. You are not about to allow any bad feelings about your divorce to cloud your feelings about the news that you just heard.-YES HOW PERFACT ARE YOU???

You are not perfact, just very right with the Lord. That is so cool. If you can say it that way. Yet I kind of knew all along what your ex's impulses were all along. LUSTE. But you will not show any kind of games here. He will discover them on his own

I will say that I am so happy for you right now K.
Knowing you by your posts, its O.K. if you dis agree with me or dislike my post-I understand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Have a very blessed weekend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God is in Control....Your ex definitly has some inner problems that he desparately needs help with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess people are right when they say that the WS will do it again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This statement is true sometimes. If the WS seeks help and finds out what is wrong with him on the inside then he will not cheat again. But the key to doing this is the WS has to acknowledge that he indeed has a problem before it can be fixed. I am a prime example of this. Since I have acknowledged and then sought help form my Sexual Addiction I have totally changed the way I have always thought about sex. It no longer is just about my wants but it is a much more pure thinking.

Like I said, I have thought for a long time that he had some problems that he really needed to deal with. I bet if he got those problems straightened out he would make one hell of a husband but it is up to him to do it.

I am so sorry you have to be such a great person and have to go through this. I pray for you when I pray on weds. I know your ex has been a hamster brain but keep praying for him and that he will find his real inner problems and let God fix them.

<small>[ November 16, 2002, 12:39 AM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

God is in Control,

Just remember God IS in control. Protect the kids the best you can from the roller coaster rides. They need stability and XH is not it.

Prayers and hugs to you and the kids,

God Bless,

D.

Dear GIIC,

That is really hard to believe. What a turkey. Have to admit tho--would love to see that happen to my H's bimbo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Take Care Pat

GIIC,
I'm so sorry, and still shocked to hear the news.
Is OW still working in the same office as EX?
I'm concerned for your children.
Yes, he does have some issues he will need to address. I'm glad you're healing through this.
God Bless you and your family.

Yep. Kinda sounds like my wH. His mistress thought he was cheating on her. And yet he still had a wife through all of this. Go figure.

And I believe keeping the kids from OWW is best now. She is definitely temporary. Told you they were doomed for failure. And what is the result always when you build a home on a foundation of quicksand? That is their lot.

Definitely keep the kids with you majority of the time. And get proof. Your precious little ones need stability now. That is with you. I still would let them see xH, but not the half time deal as of now. And ms. stripey nails will see how it feels to be betrayed. It stinks. But as all have said, until xH discovers the sin that's eating him from inside out, there is not stability in him. Maybe God can use this new sin that has come to light to bring this man to brokenness. Not about his betraying his new wife, but about his abandoning his real family--the one God recognizes. You never know but I am praying. And if it is true, they are headed for a huge blowup and the kids DO NOT NEED TO BE EXPOSED TO THIS. Think of all that they have been through. She may even try to use the kids as a tool during this...Think how she has hurt the life of this new baby by breaking up the family it was born into? I wouldn't put it past her to use the kids as a tool to keep husband in the picture. She knows she can't probably keep him just by herself. She threw away her marriage before too. She has nothing but this new house of cards she'd built. Desperation can make people do wicked things so keep the kids as far away from this woman and this situation as possible. Sounds volatile to me.

And I pray for you guys each day. Just don't do anything but listen. Don't get involved in anything except for the kids now. Keep cool. God may be answering another prayer here and it is about custody. XH's sin may be the legal undoing of him. All of this sin may actually bring him to his knees in the near future. But you must only be involved in the area about the kids. Stand guard for only them.

He jumped from frying pan into fire. He is probably feeling trapped with this new marriage and lack of the freedom he thought he'd have. And all these new kids to boot living under his roof that don't share his genetic code. Just share the zip code. You can't expect instant stable marriage just add water. She has wanted that. Broke up your marriage and wanted instant magic family. And I realize that they both had the affair, but I am glad to see that she will feel this now and see what it's like. My bet??? Separation before new year. That's what I thought all along before you had even written this but that's just my thoughts and I usually keep them to myself.

I knew it would be some interesting news to say the least.

And when I heard I was actually disappointed in exH because supposedly this OW was his soulmate, truelove, he wasn't going to make the same mistakes again and on and on. I know they all say that, but I get sucked into believing him when I talk to him too much.

I do think that I need to get proof - for the annulment and the child cusotdy trial.

I knew that OW was starting to have some normal feelings of guilt and such, but exH is still in fog thinking of how much I hurt him.

I have been in the angry phase as of late and exH is already tired of me being angry - he just doesn't get it - the thing he did was so indiscribably terrible that I have every right to be angry for a very long time.

And even if ExH isn't going all the way with new person, it's bad enough that he is now someone whom people suspect that kind of thing from.

Christmas should mend some fences though. All he'll need to do is buy something expensive for new wife and she'll appeased for a little while - at least until Valentine's Day.

He no longer works with her new wife since April- he was basically forced out because of what he did, but he'll never admit this. And all they have in common is their careers - it's all they talk about. They hardly ever see each other and when they do, they are talking about me and situation - oh how fun.

He also started doing things with her while he has the kids, like going to the movies, but how much love units can that be - sitting next to someone in a dark theater with 5 kids demanding your attention, or even going by themselves.

No, I've figured out that ExH is so shallow that he thought of me only as someone to take care of kids and house and have sex with, and honestly, you can pay someone to do all those things for you - there doesn't have to be anyone special, and this is why too he thinks that OW can replace me as mom - since he doesn't think my role is unique to the children, then why can't OW do it. I mean he tells me that the kids want her there all the time..... Well, I told him that even if that was the case, then that would not be good either for the kids, not to be with their mom, and he's the parent, the adult and should act that way instead of acting like a child and letting the kids run the show.

I've always told him that he needs to take back control of his life and make his own decisions, which he still is unable to do.

So, now I have support in my actions with the kids and will always do what is in their best interest, which for now, if spending more time with mom. And by ExH's own CHOICE he has never wanted to spend a full 50% of the month with them anyway.

Thanks all! Will keep praying for all of you too and will wait and see what happens next.....

Oh, and I've got the flu this weekend to boot. At least I only have two of the four kids and then exH will take them some of the time too. That's one part of being single that I hate - no one to take care of you when you're sick - wait, exH never did that while we were married, and he never even took the kids when I was sick either - this may be a better deal after all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

K

Oh, and cajunky - when we had just recently separated, exH did tell me that he had a sexual addiction according to the social worker he was seeing. I didn't believe him at the time, but maybe I should have..... I still believe that God is working on him, however, I know too that I need to keep focusing on me and the kids and let God focus on exH, and then if some time in the future our paths should cross, then we'll take it from there, but there would be ALOT of people very mad at me for taking him back, although I would never take him back unless he was a converted man like yourself, which does not seem impossible...... Thanks for the response. K

<small>[ November 16, 2002, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</small>

I'm sorry it had to happen to you but think about this, if you will...
"It sux to be them".
Misery cannot breed happiness, though your ex tried his best to prove this wrong, he has failed miserably...
A walking testament to just how fragile a house of cards really is...
Harold

DJT==you're back!!!So g lad to hear from you...

And I agree, let God work on WS's. That's what I am doing K. Just letting him live in la la land. And he actually told me this week that he is going for "business only" to a small island in the carribbean. Does he think that I fell off dat bananna boat yesterday? Nope. That was the old me. So he wanted me to switch visitation times w/him. I did. Just gonna make another notation about how accomodating I am and how he is going away on business. That and his other trips he frequently takes will come in handy when I am trying to prove how I am always the primary should I need to cross that custody bridge.

And unless God really, and I totally mean really worked on him, the stbx, there wouldn't be a snowball's chance in hades I'd ever consider even accepting a date at the least with this man in the future. As of this day I'd probably say not ever. But God can change people and he is not my focus, stbx. My family, friends, and faith is focus now.

Having a good night. Son's best friend is over here tonight. They are watching star wars playing. I made a fire in fireplace. Son got his white belt today in tae kwon do and two patches...He did great. Afterward I took him to see Harry Potter. We had a good day together. Although I had a really affluent lifestyle before the split, I am ok and comfortable reasonably now in that I have peace. Peace and serenity when son is with me. I am still financially struggling compared to this time last year, but that should end soon with the d.

When I decided I wanted off that rollercoaster, life got pretty good. Sometimes he still pulls and tries to get me back on it riding again, but I have to remind myself that he is no longer the man I knew. That his sin isn't my problem anymore. But I still pray for him. Like he is almost dead, kind of. Absent. And not even missed as much. Funny, but I lost my dad three years ago and I sorely do miss him. I don't miss the pain of the last two years at all now. I am doing alot better.

K. Please keep being the woman you are--smart loving and strong. And their not working together is not going to be good. Didn't they meet on the job? Hmmmmm. Just makes me wonder who he is working with now? But that won't last either. God is working on him. Making him see the awfulness that he has brought into your lives. I still say keep OW out of the lives of the kids as much as possible especially if xH is using her as a replacement parent. Gosh that makes me burn. No, she is not ever going to be able to hold your wet tennis shoes. She is not you. Not the mom likes he would wish her to be. She's got her own responsibilities and I would just wish she'd stand up to them. Take care of her own. IF she ever asks, tell her that. Goodness knows, her own kids have more than enough scars from the damage they have done to those little ones without even taking into consideration your little ones. Just makes me so mad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Godisincontrol....I just want to encourage all of you that people do change. Like I said it has to be a mindful change of the person but with the right help it can be done.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I still believe that God is working on him, however, I know too that I need to keep focusing on me and the kids and let God focus on exH, and then if some time in the future our paths should cross, then we'll take it from there, but there would be ALOT of people very mad at me for taking him back, although I would never take him back unless he was a converted man like yourself, which does not seem impossible...... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think my wife is thinking the same thing as you. You cannot think about if other people would be mad if you took your husband back. If he has proved that he has truelly changed then the life that you would have as a family would far outweigh the opinions of others. But like I said before IT IS UP TO YOUR HUSBAND TO CHANGE

Love in Christ
cajunky

GIIC,
First of all, I want to apologize for my post the other night. I admit, I was sipping on some wine and the next day I read my post to you and it made NO SENSE AT ALL! Sorry-really embarrassed. I don't drink often enough to handle it well!
I have noticed somethings about your ex that maybe you haven't given alot of thought to.

First of all, the affair and QUICK marriage, when you were pregnant. Some men are so attentive and think that a woman is so sexy and attractive pregnant. I have not his this experience! Many men just see the woman they love as a mother figure so to speak and no man is turned on by their mother! Can we really fault men for this? If men are suppose to be attracted and turned on by pregnancy, why are there not playboy magazines full of beautiful, airbrushed pregos?
When I was pregnant, I'd notice my husband eyeing other women. I hated this and felt like not a man or a woman,but just in a non-sexual state of the twilight zone. My husband would kind of pat me on the back-like let me know when you go into labor!
My point is, you stated that your ex had admitted a problem with sex/luste.
I do not feel that your husband ever loved this woman he ended up with. It was just kind of a Dr. nurse fantasy. Now he is already cheating-bored already? Not love-not at all.
Another thing I noticed is wanting the kids with her. It may not just that he wants a babysitter, but he misses this family thing that he had with you, found out it does not compare and fill that need which most men desire(besides sex) Most men want a real family-I believe this.
I am not trying to minumize the vow that he took with her-but it did begin in sin and under false pretenses in many ways. It did not last long at all!
I know that you have wrestled with alot of emotional stuff with all of this, but if your ex got a handle on his luste thing, I honestly now see that maybe you and he could end up together. You have all those children that you both love and I think maybe deep down you both love eachother.
People can overcome luste and other addictions. With the Lord the Holy Spirit does miracles all the time-I've seen it it many times. Faith. Little word-profound power!
I am not trying to confuse you(and I'm not sipping wine!)
But, perhaps you can just keep open to many options as the Lord guides you, which I see that he does. He has not planted another man in your life-maybe there is a reason.
I am going to pray alot for your ex for wisdom.
But you don't need to let the cuurent wife be "mommy".

As juicy as this is, and believe me, I'm right with you on the 'never thought it would last - serves 'em right' bandwagon, I did want to say one thing about the original post.

GIIC, you said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess people are right when they say that the WS will do it again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was once a WS. Maybe you don't know my entire story, but along with being a BS many times over (with the same husband - my ex - over a 20 year marriage), in our 18th year of marriage I did the unthinkable and had a very short-lived affair that resulted in a one-time hop in the sack (I say it in that flippant way, because it certainly wasn't making love)...

I will never ever ever ever ever do that again. I do not believe that once a cheater always a cheater. I think if you use a sharpie and black out everyone that's ever made a stupid choice in life, you'd be missing out on some nice people... some remorseful people... like me!

That said, nothing made me happier than when my ex's girlfriend unceremoniously dumped his hiney on the driveway with his stuff after a disasterous vacation they took together. They're still kinda/sorta together, and I've never even met her. She was understandibly afraid of me while I was still married to him (wonder why that is? Think it is because I stalked OW #2 in my Pinto? In my mumu? With three babies in the car? May not be my proudest moment, but it sure came in handy when it came to putting the fear in OW#5!! <fiendish laugh>) Now where was I? Oh yeah...

Some will make a poopy choice and never make that choice again. Just remember that, okay?

New beginning -

I definitely believe that a one night stand is different than the radical personality change that has happened in my exH, or any other serial cheater for that matter.

Even in SAA, Harley makes a distinction - they are at opposite ends of the spectrum.

I know that my exH is looking for something and is not finding it where he is looking......imagine that.

I do begin to have all of those feelings of did he ever truly love me, is he even capable of love.... oh, well. Questions not meant to be answered in this lifetime I guess.

OW is afraid of me too. Let's see, a woman who is smaller than she is with 4 kids, one an infant who has never hurt a fly, and OW takes kickboxing..... I wonder if it may be the guilt.....

K

<small>[ November 17, 2002, 05:45 PM: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</small>

GIIC,
I'd like to send you a poem a friend of mine just wrote. Since it's new, send me an e-mail if you'd like to see it. mcelros@yahoo.com

Hi K-

I read this and had to reply. Once again our lives/stories parallel eachother. My x who is now engaged to the OW has already cheated on her as well. He did it right after our divorce last winter at a time they should have been totaly absorbed with eachother and his newfound freedom. She found out and was really upset, but once again he lied to cover his butt and she believed him.

Then about a month ago my x got out of jail after sitting there for a month. What did he do? That very same night he waited until our kids were asleep and called me saying he'd been really lonely and doing a lot of thinking, etc. eventually he propostioned me. He said he just wanted to be with someone who he could trust. It was totally overwhelming. I didn't know whether to be angry, repulsed, sad, etc. Her was this man who had turned my world upside down and he was acting like none of it had happened. What I did was remain calm and tell him that I wasn't interested. He persisited, but to no avail. Some people thought I should really have let him have it, but I figured what's the use?

I guess what I am trying to say is that our x's continue to show a lot of similar behaviors. I believe that both men are destined for failure in relationships because they have too many issues that they are in denial of. I like you can almost feel sorry for the OW because I really think that they believe that they are special and as we all know love is blind. I myself would almost prefer to deal with the OW over my x simply because although I disapprove of her actions morally, she has always been consistent whereas my x changes all the rules all the time to acomodate himself.

I think as BS's even as we learn about the causes, patterns, etc. of affairs we still are wounded enough to wonder if perhaps our WS is right and that we are really the cause of their problems. They tell us that they really have found happiness, their "soul mate" and it isn't us. This is so hard and painful to accept that it does a lot to our mind. In reality we know that most affairs don't last and that the fog eventually does wear off. When it does these things that happen just reaffirm that it wasn't us that ruined the marriage in the first place. I myself thought that I would be totally thrilled to learn that my x was cheating on the OW, but by the time it happened I was so past that part of it that I was not happy at all. If anything I was almost saddened to see that I was right after all and he really hadn't changed and had basically torn my family apart for nothing. I don't know what will happen with you, but I do know that whatever you do should be your choice and your choice alone. Let this play out, sit back, gather information, but don't let on that you know.

Hang in there and watch out for those kids. They are the innocent victims here and remember that once again you may very well be left to pick up the pieces and hold them together when this new marriage of their fathers fails. You are an awesome woman and mother. I have total confidence that you will handle this very well like always. I will be thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Take care and God bless!

K