Everyone,

PLEASE put up a Christmas tree or decorate or something. What ever you do or would have done for the holidays. It is not for your spouse that we have these holidays. It is for you and the thoughts that they represent. By NOT involving yourself in the Holidays, you are allowing your spouses to once again 'ruin' your time. And quite frankly, I think that a large part of it is self pity.

I mean nothing against you LUPO, you have been there for me countless times over the last year or so, but look at your post. 'What is the point?' is exactly the point. Why did you do it before? Did you do it for your husband? If so, then you lost the real reason behind the holidays. We all have felt at one time or another that we have been blasted. But we do not have to allow it to keep us down. We can lend a hand to each other and pull each other up until we are all standing side by side, hand in hand.

Thanksgiving is for remembering how our history brought us to this land in one form or another. Perhaps from better places, perhaps worse, perhaps we were here all along, or as I, a mixture of all three. Of our own free will, or in chains. But now we live in a great country. We have so much in and of ourselves. We have each other. We have the ability to interact, even if only via a keyboard and screen. Go out and get a turkey. If you are alone, go to a soup kitchen and volunteer. You will remember just what the holiday is about so much more. Not for the 'prestige' of doing it, but because we tend to allow ourselves to wallow in 'what our spouses have done to us' as a convenient way of allowing ourselves to avoid doing anything.

Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate is about our Lord. It is not about a tree, although I highly recommend that you put one up if you are so inclined. I am also going to have a party of sorts for some friends around Christmas time as well. I want to do this because I want to bring myself and my family out of a potentially horrible situation. I refuse to allow my divorce to affect my family any more hurtfully than it has to. I will and want to be bright. Not only for my children. Not only to keep up my spirits. But to celebrate the reason we have this time of year in the first place.

Please oh Please celebrate. PLEASE for your own sake do something for yourself during these times that you have no one else to do it for you. I have never wanted anything other than to love my family, my wife especially. However, I will not allow the fact that she no longer wants that love to stop me from loving. I will love my boys. I will love my friends. I will love my family. I will love my God. I will love myself. and I will still love her, even if she wont allow it to reach her heart. I am forgiving and moving on. any hope for my marriage is with her and God.

This will be the first and last year that I am married and not with my family in total. Next year, I will either be divorced or with my wife once again. This year is a bump in the road that has allowed me to reevaluate my life and myself. I have learned that I am not made to hate. I am not made to be angry. I am not made to lie. I am not made to deceive. I AM MADE TO LOVE AND FORGIVE. I AM MADE TO REPENT AND BELIEVE. I AM MADE TO GROW AND FLOURISH. Be that with my wife or without her I do not yet know. However, I do know that there will be an end, one way or another. I will make it so. If that is divorce, then so be it. If that is reconciliation, then my family will truly be blessed. But one way or the other, there will be an end and I will persist and continue loving and being the man that I want to be.

I will not allow my situation to pull me down. I will not allow my situation to keep me from growing. I will not allow my situation to halt the love and growth of my children. I will make the best of the situation and bend it to my will as best as I am capable. I refuse to allow this situation to affect me anymore than it has. It is not my wife any longer that controls my outcome. While she might control a part of reconciliation or lack thereof, she will not control my life. She will not control my children's lives.

I REFUSE TO LOOSE. The only loss is to give up or not have tried.

So fight dear friends. Strive for yourself.

Put up a tree...

<small>[ November 15, 2002, 08:02 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Can I come to your party??

We have moved forward, even though the pain is so fresh and raw. I invited favorite aunt and cousin for Thanksgiving and my bro and 7YO neice are coming day after just through Mon. I cant believe though that H wanted to come here for thanksgiving like I would cook and serve him like always, like Im going to be thankful that H chose drugs, alcohol and OW over us. I guess she cant cook. my 20 yo son said he would go to friends empty apt to spend holiday if H was going to sit at our table

I am a floral designer and I enjoy making beautiful things, so how could I not decorate.

You are right, this is something that HAPPENED to us, we didnt cause it and tried everything to prevent it, so in spite of pain and the fact that H is absent, we will do the best we can and be thankful that God is getting us through this ordeal and he has drawn kids and I closer together

Hi,
I'm not divorcing yet, and I hope that things can be resolved so I don't. (Last week, to if you were my cube mate, you would have thought I had the divorce attorney called and retained). I pop over here to give Babytoluv support. Your thread caught my eye.

I get a Turkey every year from my work, and every year, it is not thawed in time. This year, I'm changing it. I putting the big bird in the freezer as soon as I get it home, not inviting my family over, and pulling out the cornish hens for my H and kids. This year I want a small private celebration. I work full time, go to school part time, and trying to get things ready to entertain is just too much. I need the break. I love my sisters dearly and their kids, this year, I cannot deal with the commotion. They will come over for Chrismas, I will have two weeks to prepare for them coming over after my last final for the semester. (I hope you didn't mind my posting, even though at this time my M is intact (this week))

FC
Just wanted you to know I printed out your post. That way I can re-read it easily when I'm feeling down over the next 6 weeks. I really hadn't made the connection that by NOT participating in Christmas, I was having self-pity (call me slow to catch on!).

What you shared was a real eye-opener to me. Like you, this is my "bump" year and next year I'll be divorced or reconciled, whatever way my H goes. So I will take your suggestion and do the tree thing for ME. I'm not going to allow the fact that I'm separated during the holidays to victimize me. Thanks again for your thoughts, they obviously come from the heart!

Formerly Confused....You bring up many good points. I have to realize that my situation cannot deter me from celebrating the holidays for the real reason. I have already thought about volunteering at a thanksgiving dinner that a local lady does for the less fortunate.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will not allow the fact that she no longer wants that love to stop me from loving. I will love my boys. I will love my friends. I will love my family. I will love my God. I will love myself. and I will still love her, even if she wont allow it to reach her heart.any hope for my marriage is with her and God.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very great points. We cannot stop loving because others choose not to love us. God knows what is in our hearts and we know what links we would go through to help our marriages get back on the right track and we know we would change anything to have our marriages back. We know that we love not because we think it is the right thing to do but because there is something God has put in our hearts(an undieing love that nobody or no circumstance can take away). In other words we would give up ourself for our spouses.

We have done the only thing we can do. Give it to God and pray that our spouses will see our growth as a positive direction for our marriages. Just keep growing in God and that will help us grow as people and God will reward us for our obedience.

We all pray that our marriages will be reconciled because we know what makes us truelly happy and we know what makes our spouses truelly happy. A happy marriage to the person God put us with is the ultimate goal but in the mean time we need to love life as it is.

Remember.....God blesses us everday with little things that we should be greatful for.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ November 16, 2002, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

jFC,

What a beautiful post!! Your words are eloquent, and the sentiments 'dead on'. So much of what you wrote resonates so deeply with me. I too have never wanted anything more than to love my family, my husband especially. All my life that was my greatest dream - to be the mother and wife in a close, loving family. And your words about why we are here were incredible. I too want to choose to live and flourish, not wallow in self-pity (as often and easily as I do do that tho. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Thank you so much for this post. I believe God inspired those words for you to pass on to all of us here who needed to hear them and be lifted up, and reminded that WE are not the end-all. GOD is what our lives are all about, and love, not simply ourselves. Take care, and I wish you a fabulous Christmas indeed! I also decided a few weeks ago that I was going to throw a big, happy, noisy Xmas party with all my dear friends and my children's friends. (Now I just have to figure out how to do that, since I've never thrown a big bash before! ha. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Take care and keep those wise pearls of wisdom rolling.

For me, the holidays have always been about spending time with my family. Being that my immediate family lives many miles away, I have always associated my family as my wifes family. This is the first year that we will not be togather with her (our) family in 16 years. I know what the holidays are supposed to represent but for me they represent a time to be thankful for the wonderful people in my family and to spend time with them to show how much they do mean to me. To not be able to do this is devestating and so now they are just a horrable reminder of how good things once were. I am not looking forward to the holidays at all and do not plan on celebrating them in any way. I know this sounds very selfish of me but without anyone to share them with, I just cant do it. I guess my feelings for what the holidays are about is not a popular one but it is how I feel and I am sure I am not alone.

jonny1971: I for one, totally understand your feelings. Although I am a "tree person" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , I can understand that others may not be.

You are grieving. And there is no right or wrong way to do that.

If you don't feel comfortable with "celebrating" the holidays this year, then don't. When you're ready, you can, even if it takes a few years. You cannot rush the grieving process.

For Christmas 2000, I didn't want to put a tree up. My 4 yr old son had died in his sleep just 2 months before, and I didn't want to bear the thought of "celebrating" when all I was doing was mourning the loss of my oldest son. But you know what? I had another son to think about. He wasn't even 2 yrs old at the time, but he still deserved to have some kind of Christmas. So I put up the tree. I actually enjoyed decorating it. And I was very fortunate, in that my mum gave me a ceramic ornament with Andrew's picture on it. I made sure that was the last ornament to go on the tree - right at the top! And that's where it goes every year, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

If you're not comfortable with the "old traditions", I highly suggested creating "new traditions". Do what's right and comfortable for YOU... not what others think you should do.

Karen