Its been about 6 weeks since H left and I am still an emotional wreck. I have filled papers out for divorce, so far H does not know I have done this.

This past week I think I had 2 days where I went whole day without breaking down in tears. Went to al-anon thur nite and even didnt break down there, but next day I had to speak to H and totally blew me away again.

I just got back from my first solo trip as a single mom. 18 YO D had harvest formal to go too, so I had to dress her up and folow to anothers house for pictures with 4 couples. They were so beautiful, and all the couples had both parents there happily snapping pictures.

I handled it OK but broke down in the car on way home. It wasnt supposed to be like this. H and I always enjoyed doing this stuff together. D told him about this dance but H must have been to busy with OW snuggling up in this storm. But D was OK with that. She was happy that he didnt remember or come. The best she does is tolerate him when she has to.

while going through some paperwork today I found letters my H wrote me before we were married, first time we were apart after becoming engaged. He told me he loved me so much he didnt ever want to be away from me again. Tough day.

Anyway, I passed car D was riding in on way home(it was her bf's friends car so I didnt recognize car) and she saw me crying, called me on cell phone and now she is upset that Im upset.

I just dont know how I can get over this, I have so much hurt and anger and I cant control it and on top of everything else, Im starting to go through menopause. I just feel like my whole world is shattered. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

((((((((((((((((((((((Sunrise1))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry this is happening to you. The Lord will help you, and you have folks right here on MB who will listen to you. I can assure you without a doubt that YES, you WILL get thru this, I promise! I was a crying ball of crap for awhile after I got divorced - everything hurt and reminded me of her... Life totally sucked. But then, I began focusing on the good things I could glean from my situation, and that is when things turned around for me.
You - have a wonderful daughter who loves you, is concerned for you, and can't stand the OW or what her Dad has done to you both.
You - have friends on MB here who will listen, sympathize with you, and offer advice to you.
Can you get in with some counseling with someone from your church? Get some anti-depressants from your Doc? Get some Estrogen (I think that's what ladies take when they begin menopause) from him? Maybe talk to someone who has gone thru Menopause already?
Please keep us posted - others will read this.
You hang in there, we're praying for you!
Peace & HugZ to you, Resilient1.
Harold T
PS - forgot to mention this - if I were you, I'd CHUCK everything that reminded you of him - and those letters, I would most definitely mail every single one of those back to him and thank him for his LIES to you. Tell him they aren't worth the paper they're printed on. I had to do some serious 'house-cleaning' when I divorced too. Please don't hang on to those things - they'll only hurt you in the short run as well as the long one.

<small>[ November 16, 2002, 07:32 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

You don't get over it!!! You deal with it better and better each day!!! Each day it gets easier and easier.

My STBXH, missed prom last year with our 17 YOD, she said sorry dad didn't get to see me in my dress!!!! She is very frank with people when she tells of our situation, (this has been going on for over 18 months, divorce should be final next week) she tells them "he is my dad and I love him but, he is an idiot!!" I think it is so much harder with the kids being older, you can't hide things from them, they know!!!!

It is hard to find letters and re-read them, but I do and I do it often, it's so that I can remember that we did have a great love and that he truly did love me and it wasn't the lie that he wants to believe that it was for 21 years. I have written proof when he is trying to revise our history!!! It just doesn't fly with me and I don't let the things that he says bother me, I know that he loved me!!!

I am sorry that he has had to do this to our family, but I can't control him I can only control how it is that I act and how I chose to deal with the situation that he has created. Some day when he is hurting and alone he will see the pain that he has caused so many around him that love him.

I was not strong when this first started, I cried most of the time, I just couldn't believe that he could do this (he went back to an old girlfriend, says that he should have married her in the first place, Phoo!!!) As I read and learned, I learned that he didn't really have much control over what it was he was doing that the fog he was in really hampered his vision!!! I did learn that I didn't like crying all the time and feeling bad and the woe me that comes with this, so I decided to handle the situation and become a better me, I gave up trying to figure why he had done this or what I had done to make him do this, that wasn't mine to worry about, that belonged to him. I could act instead of reacting!!! I have gotten closer to God and to my kids!!! I can and will survive this and will like who I am while going thru this!!!

Just wanted to share with you as I read alot of pain in your post and know how that goes when the kids are gone we go into the self pity mode and have a party, it's ok to do that sometimes we are allowed to say this sucks!!!!!

I hope that you do get to feeling better!!! I will check in later tonight, as there is not much traffic here on the weekends!!! My e mail is notinsd2001@msn.com if you want to e mail me, I love hearing from MBer's

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

sauron, Thanks for the support. I have been reading here and browsing through some of my old friends in my old neighborhood (In recovery) and I feel a little better.

Actually I have been doing OK as long as H does not call or stop over. He just upsets everything and phone call yesterday was not good. He wanted to spend thanksgiving dinner with us, like I should be thankful that he chose drugs, alcohol and OW over loving wife of 26 years and 4 kids. Anyway, I already invited favorite aunt and cousin to eat with us. Looking forward to that and my bro and neice are coming from colorado day after, just for the weekend. my bro also bought tickets for me and two youngest to come to colorado for week after christmas. I am a floral designer and will need the break by then.

I have 4 kids.3 boys, 1 girl. Oldest 22years and youngest is 15. This is probably hardest on 15yo son. He is only one who wants anything to do with father, but even he doesnt go out of way to make any contact and sometimes wont pick up phone when he calls.

Other 3 are much more negative in their feelings. They are old enough to see the lies, cheating stealing and general lack of compassion for anyone except himself and now realise that for all their lives drugs and alcohol have been out of control, even when he was their sunday school teacher.

BUT...all 4 kids have pulled together to support me and have become closer between themselves, talk to each other, help each other and talk to oldest son who is away at college more often.

I have been on antidepressants for quite awhile. They do help. Hormones Dr gave me started small ulcer, so that was stopped and now ulcer has healed and am waiting for DR to change medicine. My church has been real good too but I am so overwhelmed from the years of abuse physical and emotional and shock of all that has happened in the last 2 years.

Daybreak,
same name, similar screen name!
Your H sounds similar to mine. He is trying to rewrite history to justify what he has done in his head plus all the drugs he has been involved with have probably permanently warped his sense of reality.

Tenatively, my plan is to stay here for 3 years, get my degree in ultrasound, youngest finish HS and then move to colorado to start over. Realised on way home for dance picture thing. there is just too much pain here.

we have lived here since oldest started school, now OW has her child in the school where all my children went and I was PTO president and worked so hard to make things better for the kids. All our favorite restaurants, he takes her to now. He has already soiled my favorite state park with her while we were still together, places I introduced him to and the seashore resort where I spent all my childhood vacations, where I also took him (his family always went somewhere else) and we always took our kids there has been ruined too. I dont feel that I can ever go to these places again

H-46 years
me-46 years
married 12-17-76 anniversary coming up
OW-29 years. Co worker who was only married 6 months when she was chasing after my H. Has a 6 YO daughter from her husband before they were married. Her divorce final 8-28-02 H moved out 10-4-02

Sunrise,
I don't have a lot to say or add other than I'm in the same age/length of marriage timeframe as you and daybreak. It seems so much harder for those of us who've been married longer, we have more memories, (hopefully) built up a better financial base, raised the kids into adulthood...and now we're supposed to be at the place where we can enjoy life. Then this happens to us! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

My H physically left 4 months ago although he had checked out of our marriage a few months before that. I cried for the first month too. It's OK to mourn, but you will reach a point where you can move on. But it's your decision to do that.

Also, I humbly disagree with Sauron about keeping notes from your H. I have kept mine (out of daily sight however). They were written in love --before he was abducted by aliens <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> -- and do stand for something real in my life. I know my H did feel those feelings, as did I, when our marriage was in a better place. Maybe down the road I will want to get rid of them, but not yet.

Hang in there! Blessings to you.

sunrise,

Yes same, name and same occupation at one time. I am a floral designer but not working in the field as there were no jobs or money in them here when I got here a year ago. Like the job and hours that I have at school!!!!!

You are already sounding better, I have been concerned for you tonight!!!!

It's so hard soemtimes!!!!

Keep the chin up!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi again Sunrise1. I hope I didn't hit any nerves on this - I can only tell you what worked for me. I know we're all different, and I said that part about the letters, etc. because I felt real freedom from my Past when I burned those things. However, one thing I didn't do was to erase or throw away my old home cam tapes - I like to ocasionally go back and watch some of them - it's amazing how you pick up on things you missed when you were filming things. Things like just how hateful, spiteful, ugly, rude, and disrespectful my (then) wife was to our kids and me. I come away every time with a new thankfulness that I NO LONGER live in that HELLISH situation...
I would add this - I would pray about what to do regarding the letters. Think and meditate on it. Ask your counselor. I will also add that many many folks here on MB had it far worse than I did. I am so glad your 4 kids love and support you. My sister ended a 20 year Marriage so she could get engaged to a LOSER she met at a bar. We had Christmas at my parent's house last year, and they came over to open presents with us - and their kids. It was sad - no love - and everybody except for her knew she was wrong. It wasn't the same - and we knew it was just a farce. Just something to think about - I guess if my ex wanted me to come celebrate the holidays with her I'd have to turn her down for it - basically I see that as a Past Life that is gone forever and there is no returning to it and hanging onto it will only cause more harm and hurt feelings in the long run - not to mention healing. These are my thoughts on the matter. I would say that your Counselor would be able to give you much better answers with more insight than me. Thank you for your kind reply to my Post. May God bless you and your 4 wonderful children!
Harold

Sunrise1, one of the things that has struck me the most since finding this post ( and thank God I did ) is that there are alot of us in the same age bracket and the stories are all similiar...it's almost like an epidemic!! Its scary. My H filed the papers last Monday, then went straight to see the OW (who is not the reason, he insists, for the divorce - he just wants out) so they could "talk"...
THEN he was going to come home and tell ME he had filed the papers...he honestly saw nothing wrong with this picture. He is still living at home, in the downstairs "apartment" and it makes it so difficult, I have to see him, even briefly every day. I am not getting the time I need to start separating myself from him, and it is very painful. He'll alternate between cold and distant and other times he'll see I'm having a tough time and come over to me and give me the longest, tightest hugs and a kiss on the forehead or cheek. I guess he's been so used to living his double life he can't shed the image of somehow being the family man, even after he has stated to me that this marriage WILL end. He needs a passionate relationship and he feels no passion for me. I too have all those old cards and letters that I have spent hours re-reading and sobbing over, all the time second guessing myself about how I could have been a better wife and more passionate. I'm so sorry that you are going through this too, it's just so damn unfair and scary. Here we all are, starting our lives over when we should all be enjoying the first fruits of our years of love and labor.
Instead, we're crying over old love letters. It so easy to get bitter, isn't it. We won't. We'll go on and be better people and make our kids proud. It is comforting to have the support of your children who love their father but think he has lost his mind....they're right!!
My oldest two daughters hate the OW, are disgusted with their dad and the youngest daughter is torn by the thought she will have to "choose" which parent to live with (she's 17).
It does suck, but my oldest daughter reminded me of a scripture passage..."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
I pray you'll feel that strength everyday.

Sunrise

You will continue on and make it through this. As everyone here, I understood that they had gone through it or were going through it. However, I, as everyone here, thought that I would be the first to absolutely NOT make it.

Haha, I look back on the last year and realize just what has transpired, and how much difference a year can make in the life of a family. I have faith that in another year, I will be equally changed but in a more positive way. There is nothing that you can do to alleviate the pain. In fact, it is my belief that in attempting to alleviate it, most people only magnify it and prolong it. Feel it, come to terms with it, and then let it go. It may resurface over and over again, but it will get easier to deal with and let go each time.

I understand the feeling of staying strong for your daughter. I whole heartedly agree, but sometimes you have to allow yourself to permission to break. There is no 'way' to fix the pain. There is no 'limit' that must be felt then it is no more. I believe that we all have to go through a similar type and amount of feelings in order to make it through divorce. Some people will push their feelings away prolonging the recovery, but keeping the depth of pain more managable. Others will jump in with both feet, and feel EVERYTHING to its maximum, feel like they will almost die at times, but then come out on the other side better, stronger, and more peaceful.

There is no right or wrong way to do it. The only guarantee is that you will have to deal with it in some fashion. And how you deal with it will be based upon your abilities, character, and underlying personality. You will make it through this one way or another. You will have the opportunity as I have to reread some of the posts that you wrote in several months. You will be surprised at the changes in how you feel. The return of some semblance of strength. The love that you still have for your family.

Sunrise, You will be able to make it through this, how you go about it is going to be up to you and God. Many here will give excellent advice. Some of the equally excellent advice will be absolutly at odds with each other. But that is because there are so many different types of people here, dealing with almost exactly the same thing. Just take the advice for what it really is, how we all dealt with the same situation when we were faced with it. Everyone here has been blessed, even though some are afraid to see that blessing, including me in a way.

But I highly recommend posting what you can, when you can. Ask questions, we will be happy to give you our take on the issue. Realize that every one of us is dealing with your same issues, only in a variant way and in a different time frame. But we all care. You have the opportunity to be connected to some wonderful people who truly care about your welfare. We only ask that you allow us to help.

Take care.

((((((((((((((sunrise))))))))))))))))

I know that things are a terrible mess.

Unfortunately, there is no magic pill to take to make it all go away.

However, you have good instincts, so use them to take care of you - such as, you know that seeing H makes you upset, so restrict your time with him and maybe only see him with a third party present there to give you support.

There is no rhyme of reason to what he os doing and he will probably wake up one day and wonder why he is in the mess he is in, but by that time, you will have become stronger and probably moved on. I know that right now that doesnt seem possible but it's true.

Are you seeing a counselor? I have found that to be the best help for me as I am able to really honestly look at my relationship with ExH and see the reality of what was going on instead of hanging on to the perfect picture that I had created of the marriage. I have also learned how not to repeat some of the mistakes of the past and to not do some of the things that my parents did that were not so healthy, so that I can teach the kids a better way of communicating and relating.

There are some threads on GQII about acceptance which you may want to read and al-anon is great! I hope that you stay at least 6 weeks. It will help you get stronger emotionally.

Also, about the kids. I have heard from many therapists that you shouldn't necessarily hide your feelings - now on prom night, yes, but on other nights no, and to tell the children that separation and divorce makes you sad and angry. This way they will learn that divorce isn't all moonlight and roses and choose that path when they are older because they didn't see any negative affects from you when you were going through it. It is also good to show your emotions because then it gives the kids permission to show their emotions too. They are also hurting and they need to be able to express those feelings and not keep them inside.

They may also want to go to an al-teen or a conselor themselves eventually to learn how to deal with the pain that they are feeling.

It's tough when we're the only ones caring about the feelings of the kids, but someone has to so that they can manage.

Just try and take things one day at a time. Don't try to tackle any major projects or make any major decisions while you are like this. You are grieving and it takes months and years to fully work through the emotions.

I am a little over a year since ExH moved out and I still get sad but not as often. I think that during that first year though I was a mess every day.

It's normal to feel what you are feeling.

Lean on others right now, and take care of yourself. K

So much to respond to, Ill have to come back later

Daybreak (my namw is also Dawn!), avondale & broken...What about you GIIC, whats your time frame? Its amazing how someone can just walk away from the mess they created and just step into a new life leaving nothing but destruction behind them, 26 years we shared so much, and I can honestly say that most of our problems have stemmed from the drug and alcohol use. We had great times together but H is in such denial over his addictions he cant see that.

I read a book,"Loving and Alcoholic" and it says "an alcoholic will do ANYTHING to protect his right to drink" and thats what he accomplished by leaving. One of his favorite songs and I dont know who sings it ..."You gotta fight for your right to party"...has always been a sad realization for me when H listened to it on radio. And even OW is direct result from his addictions.

I have nothing but contempt for OW, but I have spoken to her mother, and although she sympathises with me, we both know that we have no control over the situation, I did tell her to protect her 6YO granddaughter as my H enjoys driving drunk, and he cant stop himself, no matter what H believes or he has convinced OW that he doesnt have a problem, its only a matter of time before he bottoms out and I pray that he doesnt hurt that little girl

avondale, unfortunately Im not in a good financial situation. H's addictions and resulting poor decisions have left us financially unstable. I dont even know how Im going to pay for this lawyer and Im terrified that when H finds out what he has to lose by walking out on us, he will never get that new camaro or other sporty play car that he DESPERATELY wants, he will quit his job and get a job under that table to keep any money from going to me. There are plenty of cash jobs in his business and him and OW really have no reason to stay in this area. H doesnt really get along with his sister, his mother will not be around2 much longer. OW"s H has joint custody though and Im sure that could hamper a move but maybe not prevent it.

Irony is. 4 months we got married, H's parents paid cash for a brand new 1976 mustang cobra, which my H was to pay back. Within 1 year, H was arrested for major drug posession and car was impounded by police. For 26 years H allowed his parents to believe that I mismanaged our money and that is why we lost the car.

FC, thanks for the imput. I have read some of your other posts and Im impressed with how strong you seem to be through all this, although I realise that privately its probably not like that all the time. I have taken much of what you said to heart and hope I can get through this not only in one piece, but stronger for it.

am waiting for appt to see new counselor. One I was registered with was the one who was seeing H and I together (total loser) and psychiatrist wanted me to see woman connected with her who is very good. D has expressed interest in also going, tough one is my youngest son. I think for now he is going to resist help.

There is an ala-teen that we want to ccheck out but its not real close and not at a good time, but it is supposed to be better than the local one.

(((((((((((((((((sunrise1)))))))))))))))))))

I just dont know how I can get over this, I have so much hurt and anger and I cant control it and on top of everything else, Im starting to go through menopause. I just feel like my whole world is shattered

You will get thru this (beleive me!) and there is no other way but just going thru it. I a agree with Formerly Confused, to just feel the pain and go with it.

We are in very similar situations and it seems a few more on this thread as well. I had trouble believing that I would ever experience joy again, but I am. Last night we had family game night, which was YS (12), his friend, friends Mom and myself. We had a great time. At the end of the night, something happened that triggered thoughts of WH & the tears came. But it was short and ok.

Just go step by step and at times moment by moment. Come here and post like you have. You have such a great support system here. Alanon is really important too. I have gone a few times in the last 17 years, but really started going in July and it has made a HUGE difference. I go to a great alanon group.

You know what? YOU ARE RIGHT, ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> but it is and it stinks, sucks, you name it and we can't change it. (Darn!) As daybreak says, we can only control ourselves. At times I have to kee[ saying the serenity prayer over and over & know that I can only work on myself.

As far as menpause, the best remedies are found in reputable health food stores. (i used to own one) Many, many, many women are amazed how much better they feel when they get on a formula specific for menopause. Estrogen is known to cause cancer, so stay away from that if at all possible. When I'm up at my Mom's for Christmas, I can locate a good Healthfood store & help with a formula if you want. It would be great to meet you.

My D at best "tolerates" her Dad as well. He's not around very much so we don't have to deal with that all that much. But when he is around, look out. He's like a tornado roaring thru people's lives. He's like mass destruction and has NO idea what he is doing. Denial is strong.

My kids are 21 to 12 so reletivly close in age. When they are older, you can't hide what's going on. This is the part that alanon is really helping me with. Alanon is all about relationships. I didn't specifically tell my kids what was going on, only that we did have problems. We have talked in a general way about his inapropriate behavior. I didn't say much cuz I thought we were headed to recovery & when that happened we could tell kids together. That never happened. Now, I will probably be the one to tell then the specifics as WH is good at avoiding stuff.

God is with you as you go thru this, call on him. I envision me crawling up in His lap and him putting His arms around me. I had to feel that I was not alone and that there was someone who truly loved me, cuz I sure didn't feel that way.

((((((((((((((((((((sunrise)))))))))))))))))))))))
more hugs to you and your kids.

God Bless,

D.

PS: I don't usually come to the computer first thing in the morning, but I felt compelled to come here & now I know why.

Sunrise, I pray that today will be a day of peace for you and your kids.

God Bless,

D.

WGTT
thanks, I know you know what Im going through. I have to get ready for church.

I have become more involved in that and our church, minister and his wife are great. They have been wonderful supporters. Minister offered to go to court with us when we have to address D's shopplifting charges. H knows of the arrest, but hasnt asked about court and I dont know if I should tell him when we get date

Our church is on a scholarship christmas tour and I am on the comittee to decorate. Its great that they made me a part of this, since I am a professional at this, but at the same time, there are others who have been around much longer and are stuck in their ways, so I am carefully picking my way through that and so far havent stepped on any toes.

In addition to working full time, I have a small bow business out of my home, and from the time the first cornstalks appear on peoples doorsteps right through to Christmas I am extremely busy. (I had a guy knock on my door Christmas eve last year, needed a bow for a gift!)

Anyway, I will find the time to check in here and post as this has really helped me alot. Have a great day. Its pouring here dark and dreary and hopefully H wont pop in today.

I thought that I would post this as so many of us seem to be in the same age of marriage and close in age also, it helped me to understand a great deal. My PA told me that an MLC is a medical condition, am not sure on that though!!!

http://128.121.203.65/hismidlifecrisis.html

Am not sure how to link it!!! It has been passed around here on MB many times, many times so some may have seen it before!!!

Have a great Sunday!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />