Hello All:
I haven't started a new post in quite some time but I think this may warrant a new one.

Friday afternoon XH calls to tell me that he received notice from municipal court from city where D goes to college that she had outstanding parking tickets.

Friday evening, D calls and tells me that she is having a very difficult time with some residents in her dorm that she is Resident Assitant (RA) in. Her grades have dropped and she is in jeapordy of lossing the RA position for next semester. Told me that X told her to call me or he was going to call me. Told me that X asked her if she was being a B*&^h to the residents and that is why they pulled a prank on her. Basically told her that he didn't believe her side of the story. Also stated that he wanted to have a meeting with the 3 of us (X, D and myself) today (Sunday).

Told D that I was not comfortable with that meeting and I would handle the school stuff and have X handle the car stuff. When I called to tell X that she had called me I told him that I didn't want to meet on Sunday. I didn't want him to come over here and I didn't want to go to his place. Of course he flew of the handle and told me that I need to quit the blame thing and quit being so petty.

I told him that I know you don't understand this but it is too hard for me to have a conversation with you and I'm not going to put D through this. Told him that even when we were M we usually each spoke to daughter at different times. This is really no different except that you will talk to her at your house and I will talk to her at mine. I need to do what is best for me right now and this is something that will not be good for me. Told him I have every right to still have blame but the biggest thing is that there is still a lot of anger and I wasn't going to get into a heated argument in front of D that is not going to help her.

Told him that he had hurt D badly with remark about being a B(*&h and that he should believe her because 1st of all she is your D and 2nd of all you aren't going to get the other side of the story unless you go up to College and talk to kids.

He accused me of talking to D about our R and I told him that I hadn't. He asked why D didn't want to meet with us then. I told him because I told her that I would not be comfortable in that situation and she knew that I wouldn't be comfortable about it.

D came home for school last night. Going back up tonight. I had nice long talk with her and explained to her that she needs to get help from people before everything starts getting out of hand and that I hoped that she has learned that she can call me and trust me the next time a situation comes up.

I have stood my ground on this meeting thing. I am more than willing to have conversations over the phone and via e-mail. Told him that I don't want to see him. He still continues to think that I'm being petty and should just get over it.

What do you guys think?

Well, I don't understand what needs to be done face-to-face that can't be done on the phone or by email... since you feel the way you do.

Your daughter is grown, so it's not like you'll need to have frequent meetings or talks about her.

I will tell you that the sooner you can see him without barfing the easier it will be to go on with living in a world he's in. You'll see him from time to time, I'm assuming (birth of a grandchild, for example) and I think it would be good if you can somehow find a way to deal with him in person WHEN NECESSARY.

I think you handled it wonderfully.

This is what my therapist told me - Divorce is terrible and what exH did was terrible and he shouldn't expect you not to have any feelings about it, or to suppress your feelings about it, or even hide your feelings about it from your children. You just blame it all on divorce.

And if you are NOT READY to meet with exH then how productive would any kind of meeting have been anyway?

So, don't worry what exH thinks. Tell him this is what happens when people do what he did - it's part of the general negative consequences or general fallout of a divorce and leave it at that.

Yes, one day, you'll be able to talk to him, but obviously not now, and don't feel bad or ashamed of that!

K

Hello everyone -
NB - Thanks for agreeing with me on the communication via e-mail or phone. Your right D is almost an adult so I don't have to have contact with him regarding every day things.

GIIC - I'm sure my therapist will agree with the way that I handled things. The main reason that I didn't want to meet face-to-face was because I knew that it would just end up in a big argument when I took D's side and he always has to be right.

Received a note in with Child Support check yesterday when S came home. He states that he wants his name removed from her car title. I am going to call the DMV this morning and see if we will have to purchase new plates. If we do, no one can afford that at this time so he will have to continue to be on the title.

He also defended what he told D on the phone. Said he did not call her a b(*&h but asked her if she was being one, that's all. He told her that if her residents are mad at her she may need to rethink how she is treating them. Said he knows that D needs support, but supporting her actions, when they are wrong will not help her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> What??? From what I got out of the story she did everything by the book and these kids were acting like immature brats. Why does he always assume that she did something wrong?

He also stated that I made him look like the bad guy to her and that this is not acceptable and that he hasn't done anything wrong to her.

Once again, he wants to take no responsiblity. He also is not willing to give her emotional support and blames me for the fact that she sees that he is being a big jerk.

Thanks for listening.

There is a book called Joint Custody With a Jerk and I read it regularly when trying to deal with ExH.

Maybe some books like that may give you some ideas on how to handle him - or at least remove your guilt from the way you do handle him because it sounds ok to me.

K

Thanks GIIC - I didn't really have the guilts until I went to church yesterday and the sermon was on forgiveness and reconciliation. I know that the support that I am giving D is the right thing. If he wants to be a jerk about this it is only going to be his loss in the end.

I will check into getting that book. Thanks for the suggestion.

Hi IHABD,
Just had a chance to read what you have going on.
Luckily, I haven't ran into any custody problems yet, so I don't have any real experience in this area as of yet.
IMHO, I think what your feeling and how your handling it so far is what I probably would do if confronted with your circumstances.
You will eventually have to face your "ex", but you you don't need to be prodded into a situation that most likely can be handled over the telephone.
I'm with you on this one.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

I Had a Bad Dream:

Some of this may sound harsh, and like I am sticking up for your ex..and thats not the case..
just trying to help you see it in a different light..

--Received a note in with Child Support check yesterday when S came home. He states that he wants his name removed from her car title. I am going to call the DMV this morning and see if we will have to purchase new plates. If we do, no one can afford that at this time so he will have to continue to be on the title.---

TR- Is the car still financed? If so then he will have to stay on the title..unless it's refinanced
in her name only, or in yours and her name..

If it's not then it shouldn't be a problem with changing it over..the finance company won't change it..until then..

--Said he did not call her a b(*&h but asked her if she was being one, that's all. --

Well, there is a difference and she may have tuned out everything except B(&^^

--He told her that if her residents are mad at her she may need to rethink how she is treating them.--

TR- And how does she treat them?? Like adults? or like little kids?? they are adults..(more on this down the post)

--Said he knows that D needs support, but supporting her actions, when they are wrong will not help her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> What??? --

TR- Depends on her actions..and in a way, he's right, if her actions are wrong, like not paying her parking tickets..is wrong..and your running to her rescue all the time won't help her learn to be independant from you..

how will she learn to be a responsible adult if you always bail her out of trouble?

You can be supportive, and not bail her out..do something like..I will pay X amount towards your parking fines, but, you will be responsible for the rest of it..and if you get another one, you'll have to pay it yourself..she'll learn not to get them..or she'll get into trouble..

---From what I got out of the story she did everything by the book and these kids were acting like immature brats. Why does he always assume that she did something wrong?---

TR- Maybe you are too close to the situation, to see things objectively? Or still to hurt by your ex that you don't take anything he says as not offensive? like with your D, your ex hurt her too, so maybe she is responding to that hurt..by
taking what her dad says as offensive?

maybe the problem is-- she is doing "everything by the book" like they are kids..and they don't want by the book..they are still learning to be adults..but aren't quite there yet..and .because of her position as RA- she's the one being an adult..like having your mom or dad with you at college..maybe they pulled a prank on her to get her to loosen up some..

does she monitor "ALL" of their actions? Commenting on every single infraction? or does she also allow some without comment? allowing them to be human, and learning from mistakes?

And do you always assume she isn't to blame at all? that it's always the other persons fault??

--He also stated that I made him look like the bad guy to her and that this is not acceptable and that he hasn't done anything wrong to her.--

TR- No, it doesn't make him look like the bad parent, but it makes it look like he wants her to grow up, and begin to take responsibility for her actions..or at least look at them..and see if there is something she could do differently..

And what has he done wrong to her? He asked her a question.."was she acting like a B&&&& to them?"
It isn't wrong to question, and it doesn't sound like he was assuming anything, it sounds like he was trying to find out...how was she treating them, that they reacted this way?

--Once again, he wants to take no responsiblity. He also is not willing to give her emotional support and blames me for the fact that she sees that he is being a big jerk.--

what is his responsibility in this situtation to her? is he responsible to pay her parking fines?
and if so why? and why do you feel you are responsible to make sure they are paid?

I know you love your daughter, and want to protect her from things...but sometimes..they need to learn how to suffer the consequences of their actions..and hopefully, they learn that when they are little, so that when they are adults
they don't get themselves into binds..like this..
her grades dropping, her parking fines, debt..

they need to learn they are responsible for their own actions..and that sometimes, nobody is going to be there to bail them out of a bind..
and they'll need to know how to handle it..

Emotional support is like this..

I understand your in a bind, and I'm sorry..what do you think you can do to get out of this?

Acknowledging the problem..and helping them find a solution..and not always taking care of the problem for them...

If I bail you out, what assurances can you give me that it won't continually happen again, because it effects me in (fill in the blank) way when I bail you out..

Wallace - Thanks for the support. D is very strong person but I think a lot of stuff started all at once and she was better when she headed back last night.

I sent this e-mail to X this afternoon.

Dear X:
I called the DMV this morning and it costs $7.20 to remove one persons name off the title of the vehicles. I will sign over the truck and send it with S tomm. along with both of the titles for D's car and mine. I will take care of the car insurance for D and we will work out the money thing between the two of us. (D and I).

As far as our differences interfering with the kids, I don&#8217;t agree that I am letting that happen. Our differences were in the way that you handled the situation with D with her residents. From the information that I have received from D she handled everything as was expected from the school (making necessary reports and not allowing alcohol in the dorms). I don&#8217;t feel that she did anything to warrant what happened to her. Her grades are her responsibility and I agree that she can&#8217;t let her emotions control her life. I also realize that her life right now is school so of course her emotions are going to play into almost everything there. This is just my opinion, you are entitled to your opinion.

I feel that if we would have met yesterday that all that would have come from it would be more hard feelings and anger. I&#8217;m sorry if you don&#8217;t agree with this but this is where I stand and feel that we can communicate via e-mail as well as phone in order to get things resolved.

I will continue to work with D regarding the school thing and will leave it up to her to let you know what is going on.

IHABD

TR - I agree that she must pay for her mistakes. I don't feel that we are bailing her out of this. X is paying tickets because car is in our name still. They came in his name and that was his choice. She is well aware that she must pay her parking tickets and there was no reason for her to get them in the first place. We will sell the car next time something like this happens and she will have no transporation. She knows this is the next step.

She does not get paid for the RA position, room and board is provided only. She has to work a set amount of hours at the desk per week and on variable shifts so she is unable to get another job.

As far as her treating her residents as adults, you have to act like an adult in order to be treated like one. Breaking the rules about alcohol in the dorms is not allowed any where on campus and it turns out it wasn't even the guy that she wrote up about the alcohol but his room mate that pulled this prank on her. She is a pretty easy going person and not a warden when it comes to behavior in the dorm but campus rules are followed when it comes to alcohol. Her superiors have said that they would have done the same thing and are standing behind her all the way. X has always taken the other persons side and not because he looks at things objectively, but because he doesn't believe that his kids are right on anything.

I don't care how he worded the question, you don't ask your child if she is being a B(*&h or acting like one. That was uncalled for and not necessary. Her impression from that question was that he thought she was a b(*&h and didn't believe anything that she was saying. This was discussed when she came home on Sat. evening. He starting jumping to conclusions without all the information. Stated that the police were going to come knocking on his door and haul him into jail!! For parking tickets - I think they have more important things to do with their time than that.

I had,

Good letter to your ExH...

You stood your ground..

and with more information added it makes since on why she was upset with him..and not that he was just trying to get her to be an adult..I see why
she felt he was being a jerk..

My son says I never believe him..but, and alot of times he's right..only because he's been known to lie to me..but, I also don't blame him for everything..I try and be objective about things..

The other day I had a neighbor came over pounding on my door, to tell me, my son tried to push his motorcycle over..I went and got my son from his friends house and asked him about it..He denied it..so I took him over to the neighbors later (when they returned) and had him talk to the man..
He ended up bringing his daughter outside to find out who was lying..it turned out..His kids were lying..but, I wasn't sure whether to beleive my son or not, based on an incident that happened the night before where he lied outright to me..
about something trival as "he broke a jar of jelly"..and I was able to use both of those incidents to teach him..why I need him to always be honest with me..so that I can trust his word..(he's only 7, so we have years of teaching and learning to do yet)and I explained to him that based on the fact that he lied to me over something so trival the night before, how could I believe him about something major like this??

I explained, he almost got punished for something he didn't do, because of someone elses lies..and thats not fair to him..just like his sisters got punished the night before because of his lies..
I am praying..he's learning from this...

TR -
Thanks for the words of encouragement that I wrote to X. Of course no response. Seems like everytime that he knows that he has done something that he shouldn't have he doesn't acknowledge it, he just sweeps it under the rug. I haven't spoke to D to see how she is doing. Will try her this afternoon.

I am better today. I signed over the title to his truck and put the other 2 titles in an envelope with his birth certificate. I have put the ball in his court so to speak.

D used to lie when she was little as well. I think they all go through that faze. S still does to a degree. Doesn't tell the whole truth, just parts of it. Don't know what makes them think that they will be better off if they lie. I have always said that it will be a lot easier if they just tell the truth. D actually stated those words to me on Sat. evening when we were talking about the guys that she busted for alcohol. She asked them if they had been drinking when she went into room and trash can was full of beer bottles. Of course, the initial answer was No. They changed their answer afterwords and I think that she appreciated their truthfulness.

I just worry that S will follow in X's footsteps and lie about everything. He was so bad at the end that he couldn't even remember the lie that he had told me.

Thanks for responding.