...and it looks like my storybook marriage is quite dead. My wife and I met in college, started dating after college, moved in together a few years after that and then got married 4.5 years ago. We were stupid in love. She was definately the sweetheart of my life. Things were great! We had a house, two cars, great jobs, and were the envy of all our friends. We were the up and coming couple.

Then I got sick at the end of 1999. Actually, it was the day after Thanksgiving that year. It started off as an unknown colitis, progressed to systemic wierd symptoms, got nerve damage, and autonomic dysfunction and vertigo. It was a living hell, and has lasted 3 years. I wasn't able to work. My wife had a hard time accepting what was going on. She was in denial for a while, then resentment. Eventually, she "burned out," and now we are where we are. We are getting legally separated, and probably divorced. I will have lost everything--most importantly, the woman I truly love.

It is said that 75% of marriages fail after a chronic illness. I never believed that stat, because in all of our bad times, our undying love for each other staved off anything serious. But it looks like she has no more love left to give. We went to a really good counselor, but she says she is tapped out. She is pretty stubborn. The love bank is closed, and my deposits are rejected.

I am really doomed! If I didn't feel like a total loser before, I sure do now. I've lost everything--my job, my health, my wife, soon my house. Although I seem to be improving, I am not much of a catch at this point, so it seems that I will end up living my greatest fear--dying alone.

I love her so much--too much, I gather. As part of her attempt to deal with the situation, she began exercising and lost 40 pounds. She looks better than ever, sot hat is another strain, too. Se has never loked this good, and is not used to the attention. Why stick around with a loser like me that would slow down her active lifestyle. We are both 31, but she wants to be 22, and I feel like 60.

The stress of this situation is not helping my physical symptoms. I am very despondent. Over the past few months I have been starting to improve, and, like a pheonix out of the ashes, perhaps have begun my return to glory. I hoped that she would be by my side, but that seems impossible now. This is my greatest challenge. If mythology holds true, then If I can slay this dragon, I will be transformed (healed) and return to society bearing great gifts. I guess that is a little silly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I was really looking forward to Christmas this year. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Deb (my wife) made Christmas really special for me. This year, I guess, I will get a lump of coal.

<sigh> I don't know what else to say. I just needed to vent my story to a sympathetic ear. Thank you for your time. Any advice on how to proceed or cope with this would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Mike

Oh, I forgot to mention that we have no kids. This is good, in that no one else wil get hurt, but bad, becasue there is no incentive to stay.

Thanks,

Mike

Wow, Mike, that sounds like a bad situation you have there.

Now, before posting here anymore, I want you to familiarize yourself with the MarriageBuilders' concepts; Plans A&B come to mind, doing 180s, going dark, all of it. Read the preliminary material first, then read posts. There are people here in similar, but not identical, situations to yours.

Remember, this is not your problem, in a sense, it is hers. I believe that you will see after a long while that she may be responding to your illness out of fear of her own demons. The vows said '...in sickness and in health...' after all. She was happy with you when things were fine; two cars, great house, good jobs, hey anyone could be happy in that scenario. I presume that you did not marry her only until things got inconvenient, tough and very tough. You married her for 'better and for worse' and all that jazz that everyone says and few seem to mean. You seem like a sincere guy, so I think, only knowing you from two posts, that you would stick to your vows, no matter what. Well, nothing less is expected of your wife, nothing less is expected of any of us. In fact, if one thinks about it, keeping the vows is the LEAST of we are called to do, am I wrong?

Look, you have your healing to deal with first, because if you do not get better, nothing else will matter, because you will be useless to the most important person, YOU. So, read here, take care of your health and realize that you are not alone; many of us will be spending Christmas without the woman or man we love and we will have each other. I expect that we will be good company this year.

My best and prayers to you,
NMW

Hi Mike,

There is soooo much good information on this website and the GREATEST people to help you get thru this.

I can relate to your post -

Then I got sick at the end of 1999. Actually, it was the day after Thanksgiving that year. It started off as an unknown colitis, progressed to systemic wierd symptoms, got nerve damage, and autonomic dysfunction and vertigo. It was a living hell, and has lasted 3 years. I wasn't able to work.

10 years ago, our family was poisoned in our own home, almost died, but we are on the path of recovery. We lost 3 years of our lives, but even today things are still not the same ( A very abbreviated story) The wonderful Dr who brought us literally to life told us that things like this either bond people closer or tears them apart. In some ways we were closer by eventually it was part of what tore us apart.

The kids and I are very close & what we went thru has truned out to be a positive influence in their lives in many ways. OD still struggles with fatigue.

We were so blessed to find a Dr who looked for the cause of disease instead of trying to cover it up with drugs or cut it out with surgery. I have my life back today because of that Dr !!!

If I may, I'd like to ask you a few questions if I may -

What did you do prior to your illness?

What part of the country were you living in?

What did the Dr's say was the cause of your illness?

I was really looking forward to Christmas this year. Deb (my wife) made Christmas really special for me. This year, I guess, I will get a lump of coal.

And you'll get a big MB cyber HUG ((((((((((((((((((MIKE)))))))))))))))))))

God Bless,

D.

Mike,

You are not a loser!

You need to heal yourself first. You need to get better. I know things look bad but you can make them better. I have Crohn’s disease so I know about the condition. You may want to consider counseling for yourself. With a chronic condition it’s easy to fall into a depression. Don’t fall victim to it. Don’t wait to get help. I wish you the best of luck and if you need someone to talk to about the condition please feel free to contact me.

Dave

NMW,

Thank you very much for your kind response. Unfortunately, I found this site too late. She is completely unwilling to want to fix this marriage. Unfortunately, we live in Ohio, and there is no provision for a "trial separation," which is probably what we really need. Here, to get separated, you divide the assets and it is just like a divorce. I even lose eligability to be on her benefit plan. It's stupid. Why even have it? Her lawyer has told her not to move out under any circumstances (except after the legal separation when everything is destroyed anyways), so we can't have the space away from each other that we need to maybe try and heal. Right now, I feel like I'm in an Orwellian novel. She is trying to wipe out every trace of our marriage's existance--like it never happened. I am an "unperson." She wants to run away so badly, I think she would be willing to leave me everything just to get away from our marriage. It sure tells me what she thinks about our life together. It's not worth a penny to her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I stopped wearing my wedding ring today (she stopped wearing hers a week ago). I feel naked. <sigh>

Thanks,

Mike

NMW,

I forgot to mention that, yes, I would never leave her for anything. Why don't people believe in commitment and love anymore?
Thanks,

Mike

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WillGetThruThis:
<strong>If I may, I'd like to ask you a few questions if I may -

What did you do prior to your illness?

What part of the country were you living in?

What did the Dr's say was the cause of your illness?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">D., thank you for your very kind response. This definately drove us apart. She could never understand how sick I have been.

As to your questions:

1. I was a software developer. The autonomic problems really make doing this hard, since visual fixation and conctentration ratch up the autonomic nervous sytem.

2. I live in Northeastern Ohio

3. The cause is very unclear. I have had numerous tests, some of them positive, osme negative. What is clear is that my autonomic nervous system is screwed up. What is not clear is what is causing it. There are several issues that looked like good candidates, but treatment has not improved the outcome. I am still searching for clear answers. My doctors are great, but have a hard time pinpointing a diagnosis.

Thanks,

Mike

You know what got to me about your post, Mike? When you started it off by talking about your "storybook marriage". Because that's what I always called mine, too. The "fairy tale love story".

Doesn't it seem absurd now that something so perfect, so fairy tale wonderful, should have come to an end? Sometimes I think I'm dreaming - I never expected this to happen. I bet you wonder where it all went wrong too.

But I've seen this happen again and again, where the spouse can't handle a long term disease and eventually leaves. It does make you wonder where that inner fortitude and strength that made Americans so great has gone. Why can't people stick by their commitments, honor their obligations? What ever happened to "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part"? I certainly don't see it in the divorce stats. Instead I see people who are all too willing to cut and run when things aren't perfect. People think they're entitled to a stress-free, non-crying existence. And when they don't get it, they go whining and looking for it somewhere else.

Mike, you're not a loser. You've made it through 3 years of hell and have emerged from it alive and stronger. And from the sounds of your note, you are going to keep on battling. You sound like a fighter. I sure admire that. Yeah, I know you're depressed and down and probably feeling loads of self-pity. But if I'm any judge of character, you'll get through this just fine. It'll take time but you'll do it.

I was so impressed with your writing and clear thinking and expression. What a lucky woman your wife must be - or once was, when she was smart enough to cherish your gifts. Don't ever think that you're not worthy of her or of anyone. To be able to express yourself like you did.... why, I bet you could sweep her off her feet with your words.

Keep strong.

Hi Mike,

I don't usually visit this board but your title and story grabbed me. No one knows what is in your wife's mind but her (and she might be a bit shaky on the details), but let me tell you about me.

I have been involved with several men, seriously with 4, married one. I guess there are various reminders around of the others, pictures, books they gave me, or jewelery, I really don't think about it. It has never occurred to me to erase any of these guys because there was no pain to the memory. The useful stuff gets used, the other stuff is stashed with all the detritus of life.

So that was those guys, when it comes to my husband my attitude is different. When we were having problems one time I trashed every letter we had ever written. I actually have considered removing every picture that had me in it, taping blanks over every video.

Mike the point is that I never wanted to erase the almost guys, just the one that mattered. So maybe your wife is like me, and she is trying to erase you because you mattered so much.

Take care, get well

Dude, you sound sooooo much like me! I thought I had a good marriage for awhile, we used to say that 'Divorce is not in our Vocabulary' etc. I became Disabled with the Persian Gulf Illness - it's permanent - I've been found Disabled by Social Security, etc. I can't work - no one will hire me, tho not for lack of trying. Exactly like you, my (then) wife couldn't handle it. "O woe is me, I'm the sole driver, yadda yadda. This Illness is all in your mind, blase blase. You can get well if you want to, etc." Sound familiar?
I can't really offer too much advice, but I just had to post to let you know you're NOT alone - the exact same thing happened to me also. Unfortunately, that Marriage ended in Divorce. BUTT (there's that big butt again!) the Lord had someone so much better for me waiting in the wings. She's everything my former wife wasn't. Hang in there - keep praying and posting - you have friends here on MB who care for you and will sympathize with you and hurt with you.
Harold

Mike I don't usually post on this board, but it just isn't over. Many couples get back together even after a divorce. You need to read the marriage builders principals. I am a BS. I have had alot of pain this past year and a half, but nowhere near what you have gone thru.

Work on yourself as best you can. Plan A. Welcome. You have friends here. You are not a looser. You have come on some bad times, but something good may be right around the next corner. (((((HUG)))))

We'll be thinking of you!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Jersey girl

PS- Better get some antidepressants and something to help with sleep if you haven't already. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SH94:
<strong>I was so impressed with your writing and clear thinking and expression. What a lucky woman your wife must be - or once was, when she was smart enough to cherish your gifts. Don't ever think that you're not worthy of her or of anyone. To be able to express yourself like you did.... why, I bet you could sweep her off her feet with your words.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you SH. You are very kind, and your reply cheered me up quite a bit. Yes, there was a time that I could make her melt with professions of my love. I was always a romantic. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But, she won't open her heart to listen to me anymore. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks,

Mike

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hanora:
<strong>
Mike the point is that I never wanted to erase the almost guys, just the one that mattered. So maybe your wife is like me, and she is trying to erase you because you mattered so much.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you, hanora, for your kind reply. Your reply begs tyhe quesiton--if I mean so much to her, than why is she leaving me?

Thanks,

Mike

Sauron,

Are you sure that we weren't married to the same woman? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yes, we were both in the same situation. I think because our disabilities are so "invisible" to others, it is hard to accept them. For example, my wife was extremely supportive during my bone marrow biopsy (the thought of which gave her the chills). What she didn't realize was that the biopsy didn't hurt nearly as much as the pain I have to endure every day. Still, my family were supportive, why couldn't she be?

I'm very glad that you found another woman. It makes me feel a lot better about my future. I'm not much of a "catch" right now, and have been convinced that I will die alone.

Good luck. Did you try doxycycline for your Gulf War Syndrome? You may want to look up multiple chemical sensitivities on the Internet. There seems to be a relationship between the two, and some treatment options may be helpful for you.

Thanks,

Mike

Jersey,

Thank you for your kind reply. If we get to legal separation, that is the end of the line. At that point, with all assets divided, everything we built together will be destroyed, and I will not accept her back. Sorry if this sounds mean, but this is her will, not mine, and I will not let her treat me (and our marriage) like garbage anymore.

Thanks,

Mike

Mike, I re-read your original post and was as deeply touched the second time as I was the first. Very powerful and moving sentiments, very powerfully stated. How you can even think your life is over at 31 is beyond me! Someone with your gifts and perceptiveness and sensitivity? That's ridiculous to give up before your life is even half over.

And I know you don't really believe that anyway. Do you?

Are you doing anything to overcome your depression? How do you cope? Do you have friends or family to talk to? Do you get out? Or is your health still too fragile to allow you much freedom?

I hope you have someone to talk to. That's the thing that saved me - my friends. I found that if I was willing to share my feelings, I had more friends than I realized. And by "friends", I also mean all the people I met here on MB. Funny how our hearts reach out to someone we don't even know, isn't it? Simply because we recognize someone else who is suffering the same pains we feel.

If I have any advice for you, Mike, it is to open up to people around you and let them know you need help and support. And believe it or not, they will be there for you.

Take care.