Hi, I need some specific advice about keeping minimal contact during the divorce process.

Zero contact is impossible because I have 3 young girls and they see their mum regularly each day (as we want and agreed). As the DV proceeds (and we are still early into it) I find that we are still arguing on the phone and its getting angry and heated, draining and painful.

Most of the time the arguments are about the lack of money my WW thinks I am giving her, and how bad it is that I am moving on with my life and buying things etc and taking care of things in the girls life and my own financially.

I have said over and over that I will give her a financial settlement at the correct point during the DV process and that it will be a good amount considering that I am looking after the girls, the house and all the debt. She has been living with her OM2 for months now.

What practical ways do you use/have used to keep contact to a minimum? I am unable to use an intermediary (the one I asked refused). I am trying to use SMS/Text messaging as much as possible, but she calls as she never has phone credit, she doesn't have email either that I am aware of and obviously I do not want to use the children as the messengers.

Something has to be done though because we are both getting in a state and she is just getting angrier and angrier at me for the things her mind is rationalising (her affairs, hospitalisation, drinking, utting, suicides etc).

Anyone have any practical advice?

Neil.

This was the advice given to me - and I have 4 kids with ex.

Limit all phone conversation to kid related issues ONLY - even schedule a topic and time by e-mail if necessary. You'd actually be surprised at how much communication about the kids is really unnecessary.....

Anyway - and this is the hard part - tell your exW, very calmly and respectfully, that if she brings up any other topic than the one that you are talking about concerning the kids, that you will have no other choice but to hang up the phone. And then do it. You can also tell her - if you need to that if she begins to say anything ugly or rude to you that you will also say goodbye and resume the conversation at a later time when you are both more calm. And then do it.

I know. Sounds tough. But after a few times, you will both get the message and things should proceed more smoothly.

This works.

And remember the saying, if you can't say something nice, then don't say it at all.

This saying applies to adults too, and if you feel that you may be wanting to break that rule, then just calmly say, I have to go now, and go.

It will be hard at first because you are both so emotionally attached, but like I said, it gets easier and it works.

K