While seperated waiting for divorce to be final, held up by unfaithful WS that left 10 months ago for drug using boyfriend, and has had several lovers this past year. Question is it alright for me to have a female friend? What about dating? I meet a woman this month that really is Godly, and we are friends. We pray together and worship the Lord Jesus Christ together. She wants to be more than friends i.e. dating but absolutely no sex. I agree with that but don't know how close we should get to each other until divorce is done. I really like this woman and have not even talked to another single woman during this divorce time.

Without knowing all the facts about your situation it's kinda hard to provide an answer on a personal level. But as a Christian man, the answer is a little simpler in my eyes.

Seperation is a form of marriage. A final divorce is a state of divorce. The Lord has called us to follow His law as well as man's law. Though you say absolutely "no sex", the question remains will that be enough? Plus what constitutes adulty in the Lord's eye's?

My advice is to wait until the gavel falls. If you both are God fearing people then you will have no problem with patience.

God truly does work in mysterious ways.

The question really isnt a religious one. If you both have decided on divorce, the govornments papers saying our divorced means nothing. God does not have an agreement with the government, this i am sure of.

PJ,

For someone who loves Jesus it is a question of what would Jesus say about this. Jesus told us to
respect the law of the land. Jesus also said if you look at a woman lustfully then you have committed adultry. We all sin everyday. As a Christian it is important to line your mind up with the mind of Christ. If our eyes causes us to sin then we should pluck it out. Jesus tells us it is what is in our heart that matters. He will love you no matter what you do. We are blessed when we follow him in our hearts. God's plans for us are not to harm us but to bless us. The day before your divorce decree is finally you are married, don't do anything to be tempted. Don't give Satan an opening.Search your heart and talk to Him, He will tell you what to do.

gentle

Jesus didn't like religious people, they are the only ones he ever showed any contempt for.Jesus told us to put the law in our hearts not our heads.

<small>[ November 20, 2002, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

As LH said, it is difficult to give a personalized answer without knowing more about the situation, but I have a few thoughts.

First, what does it matter that your STBX left you for a drug user or had multiple affairs? Does that somehow justify your dating this woman while you're still technically married?

Second, how can this woman be "godly" if she is pursuing you while you are still technically married? There's something wrong there, IMHO.

Third, I must protest the "you're only married on paper" argument. That is classic "Fogese," straight from the WS handbook of excuses! Let us assume for a moment that you BOTH agreed to divorce. Does that mean you aren't married?

Legally, you are still married. Until a decree from a judge is handed down, you can't really call yourself single. Since God is not in the habit of personally dissolving marriages, we have to rely on the courts to perform this function.

Unless, of course, you have the hubris to suggest that you know when God has given you the O.K. to break your marriage vows!

If I'm not mistaken, the vow doesn't say "until you don't feel like it anymore do you part..."

I speak from experience, btw. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I rushed into dating someone about 2 months before my divorce was final, and it crashed and burned really quickly...why?

Because I wasn't ready to start dating again!

Oh, I sure thought I was ready, and she seemed like she was everything I was looking for, but reality kicked me in the butt rather quickly.

So I took the oft-repeated advice I got from "old-timers" here and waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

It was really good advice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm not saying you can't be friends with this woman, and I'm not saying that you'll never have anything beyond that, but to plunge head first into another relationship before you've wrapped up your marriage is reckless. You probably have a lot of emotional baggage that needs to be put in its proper place before you can give yourself to another person. Dating this person now would not be fair to her (since she'd have to take on some of this baggage), and it wouldn't be fair to YOU.

Take some "time off" for yourself. Take some time to learn who you are without a woman in your life. If this woman is really that good, she'll understand, and she'll wait for you.

I agree with the others, until the D is final you are married.
Most of the recovery books I've read say it's best to wait 2-3 years to enter a serious relationship, and even 5 years before you consider marriage.
This woman might become your "rebound" person, and that's not fair to either one of you, especially if you can picture a future with her.

IMHO... I believe the question is a religous based question.
I would like to echo the posts that have been stated.
It is my understanding that in many cases that the very first relationship that you have is a throw away relationship (not in all cases, but in most).
I'm divorced and I waited until the gavel fell on my marriage. I have since been dating, but find myself wanting to pull back and heal more.
I asked the question in my Church group "When does God recognize that your divorced. The answer I got from my Church group based on the Bible (K.J.V.) is that he doesn't recognize divorce... he allows it under man's law under certain circumstances... an affair, when the wife abandons the home, etc..
They indicated that there is no specific verse that shows or says that God recognizes when you are divorced. I found that very interesting, as I could not come up with a verse or scripture anywhere that stated when God recognized divorce.
Anyone have one? If so I would like to know where it is, for my own piece of mind.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

I am curious on this one??

The bible states that any woman who commits adultery, let her give her husband a written divorcement...paraphrasing here, but doesn't that mean that the divorce isn't over until it is written? How does that fit in?

PJ1, I myself have been wondering if it would be ok to pursue other friendly or "more than friendly" relationships...I asked this question and received much of the same response...WAIT WAIT AND WAIT some more. Even if you are ready to be divorced, you may not be ready for another relationship...It IS up to you, so you do what is right in your mind and do what you feel God is leading you to do. Is he leading you to have a relationship with this new woman? Think about it...AND pray about it.

God be with you,
LW

I would be very cautious and likely hold back & wait a good while before doing anything. Keep it just friends for now. Maybe more group activities instead of just you and her alone.
It does take healing after a D, I think even those who Wanted D need to heal. You will be going along la. . la. . when all of a sudden you are reminded of HER and why you married in the first place!! You must work through all the anger & upset & sadness & lonliness by yourself first. Though you may not realize, you may be in contact with this woman using her as a substitute for what you have been missing from your wife. I would suggest NEVER to confide in a member of the opposite sex, during or after the breakup of a relationship. Its not good. You get sympathy from her etc & like how she makes you feel. Had it been your wife making you feel this way, well, . . . . . Confide your personal stuff to a male pastor, minister, priest etc or a licensed therapist outside of church. It is ok to ask for prayers but keep details to a minimum. Dont draw people toward you for wrong reasons.

I would say take it SLOW and just be friends for now. This lady should understand you are just coming out of a situation that you dont want to repeat & dont want to be pressured. Are you ready to get remarried again quickly? It sounds like this woman is seeking a husband. I think you should keep things lite all round & just enjoy social gatherings & meeting people without jumping into a new one on one situation before you are ready.

Hi PJ,

I want to add my 2 cents because I was in the same exact senerio with my now exWS/w...

Quote:
While seperated waiting for divorce to be final, held up by unfaithful WS that left 10 months ago for drug using boyfriend, and has had several lovers this past year. Question is it alright for me to have a female friend?

This is my [Opinion]thoughts and 2 cents on the issue. A relationship is considered a marriage when words in agreement of commitment and the act of sexual intercourse has taken place along with verbal words of emotional expression.

What happens in EA's is that the marriage vow is broken [commitment], what happens in PA's is the Sexual Union is broken.....At that point the whole marriage is over before the Lord because that person has become one flesh with another person. When married Fornication is Sex outside your marriage.

Mat 19
9: And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

Because of my exw multiple A's I was a free man before the Lord because of her fornication. Before the Law of the land I was still considered Married. Eventhough I was free before the Lord, it was up to me if I wanted to try to reconcile with her through forgivness.

She seperated and I was by myself for 1 1/2 years before DV-D. She's had her boyfriends and lovers the whole time 2 years now. One guy said while we were seperated "She belongs to him and I'll kill you, she's mine now" I was stunned....So as you see the marriage was over but yet the divorce was months away.

Could I have had female friends during this time after he claimed my Wife?? Yes! and I did, but they are like sisters or females with no emotional tie, they have boyfriends, they go out on dates with other people, their other male friends now about me, no hidden agenda, our conversations are generic..I still haven't taken a woman out on a date yet, I can if I want but I'm not ready to go to that level yet, I'm still trying to work on me, eventhough my ex cheated but she still said some things I need to fix about me, if I don't take this alone time and work on them, I'll take it to the next relationship, plus I need the time to heal.

Some WS's are like ant's that walked through poison on there feet, they take it to the camp [OP] and kill'em [baggage] in time..That's not what I want to do,I want whomever I'm with to be blessed and overjoyed.

So I would wait until Dv day before dating, its ok to talk, but nothing on a personal committed level, give you and her the opportunity to go out with other people for now, if it was meant to be then neither of you will commit to somebody else in the mean time. If you go out keep it daytime. Keeping it clean will be better for you in the long run and you'll find your advice and testimony won't be hindered if you and her do eventually come together in marriage, you'll stumble if you have to say to your kids oneday ' Well me and your mother was boyfriend and girlfriend before I was legally DV'ed..???

You're free before the Lord but wait until you're free before the Law of the Land....I don't know if you're in Florida, but Florida Law says you can have a BF or GF once seperated but that still don't make it Morally right...Just stay guilt free, you'll be happier months and years to come.

Currently I'm trying to break the soul tie of my exw and rid myself of the imaginations of once having had sex with her all those years, closing that door, less jealousy for me,I can't be in bed with her and a new wife, that's part of the healing process...One day she'll be just like somebody I once knew.

Take Care...

Thanks to all who responded to my question about dating or just friends. I will pray seek the Lord about this. I had been attending this church for over a year and no one knew what was happening in my life (except the pastor, had one counseling session with him). It has been very lonely because it seems that all activities are either for married couples, singles, 20 somethings, over 50 group, but nothing that includes the "seperated". It's as though we don't even exist. I know that the Lord put a hedge around me so that it would be just Him meeting my needs, hearing my problems, and my cries. Finally one Sat. I had a long talk with my Heavenly Father and asked Him to let me have a friend a confidant, from the church that I attend or I would take No to mean change churches. The very next day after the service this woman introduced herself to me & I believe that God answered my prayer for a friend and this woman is truly that. She has introduced me to several men and women in the church so now I have a few friends, but she is the only one that I have confided in. Just needed someone to talk to. And she has been walking strong with the Lord. We just need to keep our relationship focused on Jesus and not on each other. We have decided to just be friends, until D is final, and see where it goes from there. At my age (48) I don't know about waiting 2-3 years for dating or another marriage. Anyway I am so thankful that the Lord has allowed me to have some Christian friends other than my grown chidren and grandchildren.

PraiznJesus He is #1.

Please see my response on the "dating too soon" thread.

I may be the oddball but I think it's a gift from God when He brings people into our lives to help us. Yes, there are boundaries and no, I don't know the whole story. However, you sound like you know enough to be careful.

Good luck and God Bless !

PP