OK so here we are divorced since 9/18 official on 10/18 absolute on January 18 - so he is dating or basically has been since being married if you want to get technical - no specific other woman that I know of at the moment - but the problem is that I still care and that I am still hurt - and I guess I haven't accepted the fact that we are divorced - it doesn't matter what he does or who he does it with... I am angry when he talks to me to much, I am angry when he doesn't talk to me at all - I am in a no win situation . I didn't want this divorce but I have it so I must make that my reality - which in lies the problem. I don't know if somewhere in my mind I am hoping that he realizes what he screwed up and will want to come home. But then on the next thought I am like I would never take him back who he is now - I have been struggling with the I don't want him - but he has made me so screwed up and miserable that I don't want him to have anyone else - or to be happy... So last night at my therapy group they gave me a homework assignment to go out in the real world and see how the other adults live - stop worrying and talking to him. So today I emailed him and told that you know you owe me money - I would appreciate something - that I only wanted to talk to him through email - because it will make it easier on both of us...I haven't heard back yet but - can I really finally do it this time??? When do you realize hey you are divorced he doesn't matter anymore ??? When do you realize that you really do deserve better ??? And what the heck do the adults in the world do??? Does anyone have any advice, suggestions or input???? I need any help I can get - I am really trying hard......

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1. When do you realize that you really do deserve better ??? 2. And what the heck do the adults in the world do??? 3. Does anyone have any advice, suggestions or input???? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Answers:
1. When you look inside yourself and do the work to improve yourself or be happy with yourself. Then you will realize how much you are worth and what you deserve.
2. Go out, talk to friends, have hobbies, see plays/movies, get together, go to church, etc.
3. Yes, start focusing on yourself, and not the marriage. Learn to be the best person you can be. You have a therapy group, do you also have a divorce support group? If not, find one. Ours plans great social activities (it's not a dating service) so that we can all reacclimate ourselves to pursuing our lives and interests. There are many people in my group that I can e-mail or call, just to go see a movie.

I found the book, "The Fresh Start - Separated/Divoce Recovery Book" to be very beneficial. It's a workbook.
I know I've read or listened to tapes a great deal this year to learn more about myself and to grow as a person, and yet I know so little.

What are your interests, pursue them. Take responsibility for where you are in life. Life will not come knocking on your door, but if you get out, you'll find many doors.
Good Luck.

Hi Maw - You know the situation I'm in, it is so similiar to yours and your feelings in many ways...why do we love these guys so much???? My H just left here with his 2nd load of stuff for his apartment ( all of which I've carefully noted) and wistfully remarked as he was leaving, he'd be back to get his fish and the aquarium ( a Christmas present from me a few years back!!), then at least he'd have SOMEONE TO TALK TO!!!! Who the hells fault is THAT???? I have a feeling your H may play similiar head games with you...don't let him drag you on the game board. Pretend it's a business deal, courteous but distant. I'm going to strike out and find out about the Divorced group at my church, I'm seeing my counselor once a month for a sanity check and I am keeping connected with friends (something he doesn't have alot of at this point). Somedays have been hard, I just want to curl up in a ball, I want the comfort of my home, my life, my "used to be." If I could, I would take your hand and we'd go do this together - I think we'd have some well deserved FUN!! Please try to put you on the top rung for a change. I think of you often and keep you in my prayers.

Thank you Newly and Broken X 3 - I really appreciate your support - Unfortunately Newly the only reading that I have been able to concentrate on are these boards - I used to be an avid reader but my mind is all over the place - but I am thinking about going to the library with my girls for a quiet night out - so I may check out the books - thank you... And Broken X 3 I am sure you can relate - one minute your world is fine and the next all of sudden this person whom you were married to is making all sorts of stories up and you are like - where we in the same marriage - where did this person come from ??? Why did I deserve this?? It just hurts so bad - I sent him a really bad email since I wrote this thread because after I emailed him the first time and said don't call - well guess what he did - and he doesn't want to pay half of the christmas presents - because I didn't include him in the buying process - well I can honestly tell you that my oldest is 12 and he has only gone Christmas Shopping with me once - and every other year I am like let me show you what I bought and he is like no I will see on Christmas - so duh of course I shopped with out him... This whole situation just bites - but like you guys said I need to put me at the top of the ladder for a change - thanks for your help.... Mimi

Im such an idiot, that shortly after H left I bought a book called "getting back together..!

Havent read it as I now know that that is never going to happen. Why does someone else have the power to hurt us so bad??? In my case H is a habitual drug/alcohol abuser. Of course he's in denial and doesnt see how any of that affected our marriage, or mine and the kids psyche. He broke us down and left because his toys were broken, couldnt stick it out to fix things

Actually I have been reading so much...It takes my mind off of the pain Im experiencing, I must have read 2doz books in the last 6 weeks.

One book I picked up from the library was called "Ditch That Jerk" You might want to check it out, it helps to show us how we have been abused and really helped me alot. I dont remember the authors name

I still pray for my H's soul and I pray that God takes this pain from me in whatever way He sees fit, but so far God has not answered my prayers yet

And the anger...I have never hated or felt anger such as this in any time of my life. I hate it that H has been able to change me like this. I have been regularly attending Al-Anon and that has helped some although with work schedule I may not be able to make next few meetings

Sunrise 1 - Ditch the Idiot - that is it - that is the book I need to find - I will do a search - because I know in my heart I love him - but I also know in my heart that I wouldn't take him back - I want someone with the same values - someone who is going to make me and the kids his top priority - not that damn barstool - you know - or the sony playstation... He is my childrens father and I have to be able to find a way to deal with him but right now it is to hard - I have to break all contact so I can work through the pain that has been dealt to me - And the funny thing is he cannot understand why I don't want him to be happy - why should he be happy ??? I hope he is miserable and realizes how good he had it and what he threw away - I wish you luck and I hope we both find peace - and soon....

Hi Maw64,

Sorry to see you go through the pain, but I can relate to what you say. My exw did the samething in her affairs..

I know how it is that you want them to feel what you feel, take some responsibility for their actions only to find they do just opposite and seems they made the right choice and is having fun while you bleed.

When my WW for left, I wanted her to see what and who she left, be miserable, however who I was at the time she turned her nose up at, only when I started working on me did it get her attention and we weren't even in the same house.

You made a good statement opportunity for a positive change in your life...

Quote:

I have to break all contact so I can work through the pain that has been dealt to me - And the funny thing is he cannot understand why I don't want him to be happy - why should he be happy ??? I hope he is miserable and realizes how good he had it and what he threw away..

*********

Ok, very good points - Now the issue will be, how does the WS or Ex see what they lost??....Its called moving on and improving you from what you were in there eyes not for them but for you, focus on you...

As long as they see you're miserable, still the same when they left, unhappy, sitting still, they the WS or ex says I'm glad I left that look at him or her, whew! OP agrees with them...But when you become that strong individual and rise up out of the ashes and rocks they buried you under watch out, you are on your way to a dynamic beginning....

When my exw left for her lovers I was a lazerous dead in a cave and she rolled the stone on me and said he stinks!, let him rot! but Jesus came and said no thats my friend in there you can't do that to him, and Jesus unrolled the stone and raised me back up and made me a new person and still is working on me.......When my WW saw me after that she was like, where did he come from? because I was changed inside and out, I was a new man, remember she buried me and said, he was no fun, he's this and that, etc....I became what appealed to her from the beginning of when we first dated many years ago, I was attractive again......Oh she still had and has OM but now her reason for leaving became twisted and her guilt increased and her problems magnified about herself because I moved forward and affairs and adultery are moving backwards, ....You see moving forward puts a reversal on things for you and for them....

My exw gets in these moments when she wants to talk and when she does its for 3 hours at a time, but I'm finally putting a stop to it, because she's not happy living the life she is and she knows I'm a security place for the "Just in case" but no more the door is shut.....

So at this point in my life my exw is seeing I have moved on and is leaving her behind, she see's me walking in the things we talked about over the years and dreams and stuff. She's seeing that she has turned a different direction and is under the bondage and control of OM, he's taking her down a road that is horrible and she knows it. She don't have the peace and joy of life, she's tormented by the adultery on a daily bases because she continues to live in it.....her choice as she says...

So pick yourself up, you're not worthless or ugly, you're valuable, you are a reward to somebodys life, you have something to give that will change someones life......

God wants to make an exchange with you, to have you grow into something beyond your own ability, to give you an overjoyed life, to have your life as a tree of fruit, giving people things they are in need of, give your problems over to him, let him work the process, life is beginning not ending, lots of good things ahead..

ISA 61:3

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

Everlasting Compassion- Thank you so much for the inspiration and what you say makes perfect sense. He says that everytime he talks to me that he knows he did the right thing by leaving probably because I was so untrusting, insecure and pretty much pathetic. But you are right I need to rise up and move up and on out - I have wonderful, friends and family and I do not need him - He does have to live with what he has done to his family - to a wife that loves him and two beautiful daughters - He walked away from it all - I have the kids, the house, the pets I am in all actuality in a better place - and hopefully there will be someone out there someday for me - to make me happy... Thank you for your encouragement and giving me something positive to think about...

Thanks, glad to help...

You made a statement, I need to bring it out, if you see it, I think you'll be even better in the long run. You have more going for you then you think.

Quote:

He walked away from it all - I have the kids, the house, the pets I am in all actuality in a better place - and hopefully there will be someone out there someday for me - to make me happy...

The key will be that you come to a place of internal happiness within yourself - IF a man comes along you want him to ADD to your happiness and not be the Source of your happiness. To place a individual in a position in your life and say make me happy is not good, you want an even exchange of you make them happy and they make you happy, you have to become so fun to be around, that you have fun all by yourself, when people or a guy see that they'll say can I join in?, or Oh we're going over Maw64's house, she's always having a good time....Joy is contageous,...

I know its hard to come out of the "Look what he did to me stage " but it gets better.

Take this time to build a treasure in you then when real Man comes, not some low life joker, but your Prince, you'll be ready, this is your beauty prep time.

Take Care....

Gee, I like that Everlasting...this is beauty prep time...I'll hold onto that too. Thanks.... so much of what you said is so true -just need to take it in.

Everlasting Compassion - You are right even though I wrote it - it is easier to really read it when someone else points it out - I know this is all true - and I am really trying to come out of the look what he did to me stage for sure - I am sick of that stage - I need to find the inner peace that you speak of. I think that I made him (my ex) my happiness before and I am at a loss because after being a wife and mother for so long - I lost me - really I don't know who I am - that is who I have to find - that and the inner peace ... I will work very hard on it - Broken x 3 you seem to be in somewhat the same place that I am in - even though my husband left in April and we divorced in September it is still a hard road especially because my kids are young - but I have faith we are both going to make it through - especially with all of the support we get here from everyone.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks again....

Maw,

One thing that I feel hinted at in your posts is that you still seem to feel responsible for him in several ways. The worst for you is the feeling that you 'need' to help him to understand just how wrong he is. I completely understand this, because it has been the role that I have played within my marriage for 11 years. It was my role to 'reign' in my wife somewhat. She was always a little wild, and always a little on the edge. Feeling that the world was out to get her, be that because the local pimple faced checker wouldn't give her 2- 4 packs of toilet paper for the price of 1- 8 pack which was on sale. Or the lifeguard that wouldn't let her bring a pop around the pool, even though it was clearly marked with signs that she should not, and she even talked about it before she went to buy it.

It was always my role as the 'sane' one to help her to see other's ways of thinking within the world, instead of her 'head down, damn the world sucks' view. So, when she went off the deep end with our marriage, it seemed that once again I was responsible for 'making' her see the craziness what she was perpetrating. It felt like to me that I was the only one between us that had any sort of grip on reality, therefor, since this was someone that I loved, it was my responsibility to try at all costs to help her 'see the light'.

Well, I realized that there was and is no helping her see. And that may be where you are. The source of your pain may be your continued inability to get him to see what he is and has done. It is just too hard to let go, when you think that they are acting out of insanity. My wife saw that insanity for a while in February and March, and even commented on it several times, asking me 'not to let our marriage breakdown because of her insanity.' and 'That she can see so much more clearly now that the insanity has been broken through.' These were almost direct quotes sent to me countless times via email. She told our counselor the same things. But she fell back into her insanity once again, and refuses to pull herself back out.

It is hard to allow someone to hurt themselves. It is incredibly hard to let them hurt themselves, and in the process hurt your children, and lastly you as well. I have felt that it is like dealing with a mentally handicapped murderer. They are obviously guilty for their behavior, but their mental state makes it such that they surely CANNOT be responsible for their actions. But the truth is, they are not. They are absolutely making selfish, stupid, hurtful choices, but they are responsible for making them, and no matter how much we would like to think differently, sometimes we just CAN'T do anything to help it.

Dealing with a Wayward spouse is much the same when we are able to see what they are doing, and they cannot. But I have recently been overtly working on forgiveness and allowing her to make her choices and live with the responsibility that they bring. I have no faith that she will ever come out of her world. She was living precariously close to the edge our whole marriage, but I loved her so much that I couldn't see it. Now the world is out to get her, with me as the autocrat that will stand over her and trash this 'poor little helpless 4th grade teacher, mother of 2' being the dictator doctor living the affluent life that she deserves.

HAHA, it just makes me laugh.

I should post her settlement proposal on the joke board, with an explanation of why her requests are so funny.

Anyway, think about if you might feel responsible for him seeing his actions. That is where I was for a while, but when I realized that I was NOT responsible, even as much as I would like her to see them, I started feeling much differently about her. I started seeing that the failing of her to realize what she was doing was not because I couldn't do my part. It was and is because she refuses to do hers.

FC, your post really hit me hard.

Quote - "The source of your pain may be your continued inability to get him to see what he is and has done. It is just to hard to let go when you think they are acting out of insanity." How often in the past few months have I looked at my beloved, always sensitive and good natured husband and thought "You've lost your mind - the aliens have control - you're possessed" as he morphed into this strange and distant person who looks just like my Michael, having this flaming love affair going with a woman older than me!! I thought with patience and love, unconditional love and forgiveness for yet another affair, I could lead him back to the real world. I had done it before, or so I thought...guess I never really did. Cannot make him see the truth or feel true remorse for what he did, only remorse that he got caught.
Quote - "I started seeing that the failing of her to realize what she was doing was not because I couldn't do my part. It was because she refuses to do hers." Amen. Nothing I can say or do will make my H change his mind, to him he's doing the hard thing by divorcing me. I say the hard thing is to stay and make the marriage what it was before. Now there's some hard work, but it takes two, definately. You are full of wisdom and I appreciate it very much. Thank you for putting it into words.

Formerly Confused - Right again !!! I do feel like I have to take care of him - I always have - he came from the most screwed up family you could have possibly ever imagined and swore up and down that he would never do that to his kids - or that he was gonna make something of himself - and we did - we had it all - the new house, new subdivsion, good money, two great kids, lots of friends and family (well my family) and he walked away from it all and I just want to shake him and say what are you crazy - you are going back to the same lifestyle that your parents and brothers and sisters have - and it makes me so sad. I do feel responsible sometimes - because he has made me out to be the biggest b*tch ever to live, and I didn't let him do what he wanted, and I didn't let him go play with his friends etc. and he had me believing alot of this crap alot of the time - but I know that he is the one that is wrong but I guess in my mind I should be the one to fix it - but I know I can't and I have to let him go - I cannot save him from this sony playstation, barstool,hangover life that he wants - he is going to have to figure that out for himself and I know that - I just hope that I am really gonna not care this time - let him go - Actually I was going to let him come over Christmas mornign -but you know what I emailed him and told him no - I need to make my own life with the girls - you have have them at a certain time and then I will have them at another time - and you know I don't even think he has read the email yet - but I am not letting him come over... I am really finished.... So thank you for your insight... And Broken X 3 - I am glad you are enjoying all of this advice - It is alot easier to deal with everythign when someone just spells it out for you - isn't it - most times we don't see it staring us right in the face..

Good posts here.
I too tried to get H to see things, and eventually I learned that I was still trying to control, and that I could only control myself.

If you can't focus on books, I strongly suggest you check out books on tape. There are some great tapes out there for affirmation.
One recent listen "Succulent Wild Woman" It was hysterical.

I also related to the getting back together book. Mine was finding this site in hopes of healing the marriage. What I found was a site to help my healing.

Newly - I am going to try to get back to reading as I really miss it - so I am going to go to the library - hey Maybe I should start watching Oprah... !!! I am going to start healing myself - I need to - I am going to therapy tomorrow and it has been cut back to once a month I am going to see if we can increase to at least two times a week - Now I am going to start focusing on the holidays - and trying to make it more fun for me and my children - he is on his own... Like he wants it - I might add.... Thank you