Well, It is almost 10:00 and I am on my way to fight for may marriage for the last time. My H is one hour away and his mom is hereto watch the kids.

Wish me lluck
hope I make it home in one piece

It's amazing hearing how similar your story is to mine. I don't have kids, however...and I'm not sure, but I think I initiated this whole mess. My STBX was so involved in cybersex..and searching for discreet affairs in adult personal ads...he would do it 8 hours or more..and when I caught him make a [censored] date for the weekend (he knew I'd be working), that was it. All through our 3 1/2 yr M, there were always things like cybersex (the cause of all problems which led to the rest) and him collecting a phone numb. every now and then from one of these women. Exchanging nude pics of himself (till I deleted them), making a personal ad for himself in online ads. There were slow periods, and then out of control, rampant periods (and always lying about all this, mind you--lying about all kinds of things, but mostly about this "secret" seperate life...he was like a completley differant man). And despite how much he openly flirted with his female coworker(s), and broke his neck to ogle at ANY other female in the area while he was with me, I did not have actual proof of him going through with an affair. I said I wanted a divorce...then told him to just tell me that, that is what he wants...(playing a back and forth game...I want "us"...I don't...I want "us"...). One of his many changing reasons for a divorce was that he's tierd of being accused of having affairs.
You know something that gave me a little comfort? A book called "My Lover is a Liar." I can't rem. who it's by, but despite my busy schedual and all this stress and saddness, I read it cover to cover in one sitting. It was like a flashlight onto my emotions. It made me feel a little less stupid and confused. It also gives you ideas on how to either get back together with him or to go on without him-- but both without allowing yourself to be duped or feeling like it's all wrong.
I hope your man feels like an idiot. I haven't heard from mine in 3 months...It will be exactly 3 months Fri since I left and moved to another st. in with my parents (4 1/2 hrs away from him). There's been no contact between us. He's still making all the payments...cars, car insurance, shared loans... and I am only having to pay for my loan to my parents, and for school. I'm afraid to talk to mine...One, b/c I'm afraid to make things worse (have to start paying, though I intend to as soon as I am financially stable, just to cut our ties)...and two, I fall for crap too easy. It's simple to be strong when I never see him or hear him. But I most certainly wonder every single night who my "H" is laying down to bed with...how many differant women that entails...if he is treating them like he did me at the beginning (so perfectly) or like he treated me all throughout our M. I hate not knowing, but this uncertainty is better for me than finding out the worst...that he's moved in with his coworker that I suspected all along or some other tramp. He's not filed for divorce, nor have I. And all this bothers me, but I'm not crying. It's a very uncomfortable, confusing feeling. It hurts. And yes, I feel signifigant rejection and unworthiness (too fat, too ugly, too boring...). But not the kind of aching where I want him back. Not someone who can watch me cry and yet slit my throat all the same. --if that makes sense.
I'm sorry that I'm rambeling on about my problem...but from reading your other posts, our stories sounded somewhat similar, and I thought I could at least provide you some comfort. I'm not much farther along this Purgatory than you are... but I will support you and try to give you my empathy all the same --- I hope you get what is best for you. I know you hurt right now. I know you feel lonely. I know you feel like a failure, and like you should grasp at anything to keep your family together. But keep in mind that what you accept, you teach... do you really want your children growing up with a role model who does nothing but lies, causes his partner so much sadness and shows her no respect, and who finds it completly acceptable to run out on his family? Is that what you want your kids to grow up like? Or, esp. if they are girls, to end up in a relationship like that themselves? Keep your head up, and trust me, he is a lying jerk, and liars don't like being called out--it's embarassing and a lot of times, they spend so much time lying, that they believe the lies themselves.

Well, I am back and it is 2:53am. I drove to the cabin and he was not there I also searched all the bars and he wasnowhere, I called him and he didn't answer.

I don't know what to do now..............................................................................................

I'm up for a bit right now, if you need to 'talk' here.

What were you planning to do tonight that had to be done now? I'll admit, although I recognize your alias, I haven't seen your updates (but then again, I've only been coming to the d/d board for a couple of weeks, at the most, now.).

Karen

I guess you didn't see my message. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'll be back later on in the day to see how you're doing. (I need more sleep now... H's snoring kept me awake for the last few hours. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ).

I hope you'll feel comfortable sharing, b/c it helps so much to 'get it out'.

(((((((((camjon)))))))))

Karen

H called this morning returning my phone call. He said he just got my message and that he had the ringers turned off. I was ready to go off on him and say I know that is not true because I was there all night waiting for you, but I didn't. I asked when he went to bed and he said about 11:30pm. I then said are you lieing? he said yes. He went out to the bar. The bar I was at and he wasn't all night. He then said he left at 1:30am and couldn't drive and pulled over on the side of the road and woke up this morning at 5:30. I don't know if this is true because I searched all over and didn't find his vehicle. I did not mention that I was out looking for him and waiting for him.

I then said we need to talk and he is going to try to get away from work. He will call me......

cj