so sorry to hear what you are going through. Your H sounds like a serial cheater- incapable of honoring a commitment. You deserve so much better. Would you even want him back? Is it realistic to really think he could change?

You're young and with only one child, you can move on and find someone who will treat you right. Even if your H came back, with his history what are the chances that 10, 15 years down the road, he does this again, and then you're 50 and it's so much harder.

If he cheated in his first M, and now again in his second, he has serious character flaws and is unlikely to grow or change. He's just going to continue to break women's hearts. Protect yourself, document everything, get as much as you can. Proving that your H continually exposes your son to rotating other women shows the instability of his parenting. Keep a journal, log EVERYTHING. If your son shows any mental distress, get a psychologist who will back you up. (Their recommendations are usually admissable in court).

I have a friend whose H left for an OW and moved thousands of miles away. He had all sorts of plans to have their 2 young children, 4 & 6, flying out to visit him in California. The older son's psychologist says no way- and if exH tries to force it, she will testify in court that it would be detrimental to the child.

Does Plan B even make sense? Do you even want your H back? I know how hard it is to give up on someone you love, the father of your child. I am sorry you are suffering this way.

Well things certainly took a turn in the bad direction again as I could almost predict. And Espoir, you're right. I may not need to even waste my time sending a formal b letter b/c I am not going to speak to him if and at all possible anymore unless it is absolutely important and is about my son.

Son was coming down w/cold this week. Not feeling good w/bad drippy nose and postnasal drip and now I am in the same boat. Anyhow, Deucey called me and it was call block again. I answered it and then he told me how nutso I was about leaving him message about no contact and how the new child around son was making son confused...He said for me to get a life yada yada yada. Well this morning was a new low. He called me this am on way to work. I thought it was about Thanksgiving visitation schedule. I am only speaking and prefer to do it via email or voice mail about son and if we speak over phone it is to be brief. And he is to drop off son and walk son up walkway but not to door as I don't want to see him anymore this way, this way he is living.

Anyhow, this man told me that the reason I haven't totally let him go , get this, is because I havent "F'd" anybody yet. A man speaking to his still legal wife saying that because she hasn't chosen to sleep around is the reason why I am acting so , in his mind, strange. No, he cannot comprehend MB principles I guess and his morals have gone way south. He told me that I need to get married (aren't I still legally married folks?) and that I needed some man to take me out to dinner and to treat me like a woman and that basically I just need to carry on as he is doing now. He then told me that he has b een trying to get me off his back for a year and a half and that I have no life and that did I think he would fall down and bump his head and that he would forget what a nutso I was? Fell into the old trap and forgot to hang up my cell b/c I was basically in shock and crying. I cannot believe he spoke with me this way. I have never had anyone speak to me ever in such a manner before. It was horrible. Awful. And then he called and left vm saying he was so sorry later on. Said we had to decide over thanksgiving. Later he called from a number I didn't know. I mean, am I supposed to be a prisoner from my phone ok? So I answered it and he started in again on me. I told him I would meet him halfway (I wouldn't be alone) and we could exchange son for the weekend. But he got agressive again. And then went right on back into his aggressive self. Said that if I wanted to know why we were divorcing to just look in the mirror. Kept on and on about why it is ME with the problems and that I am the whole reason for the d. Let's totally forget that this man is indeed a serial cheater and was mentally and physically agressive at the end last year. So I get the son the whole weekend. That is the best part though. And I have a great weekend panned with my sister and their family. Lots of fun. Four wheeler riding on a farm where they have wild turkeys roaming. And on sat. night, we're going to a bonfire complete with dj.

Just because as Deucey says, " I HAVEN'T BEEN F'D YET" doesn't mean I don't have a life. He is so mean. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to get over the absolute trauma of this whole thing. Two years of this kind of torture can do a number on someone and their self esteem. My counselor thinks I have done a great job and that I really don't need much more b/c I have a good grip on things and have good direction. But I am going to do the thing about sending son to one psychologist's session after the first of year before the d is underway again for my protection and for son's too. I have name of good one who does court.

And espoir, you're right about his cheating. And no I don't want him back this way at all. Not even close. Now I do know some people personally who have changed, but that was God moving in their lives. That is about only hope. His saying this to me today after I was indeed a faithful and kind wife just floored me beyond anything else. I am the mother of his child. Spent nine days in the hospital suffering from complications delivering our child and he treats me with this level of disrespect. I cannot even understand the place or mindset he is coming from. I cried today before I remembered that I can indeed hang up the phone and said that I didn't like at all who he is now and that he is the one with the mental problems and that he is the one in need of serious help and it isn't me. That if he thinks my morality is the issue then he sould take a really good look at his own life and that I can look at myself in the mirror and see a woman who just did her best.

His cycle is this--I have a d day and find out about yet another woman and whammo--he gets aggressive and lashes out at me. Whenever there is the possibility of HIS being the wrong one in anything, he rages. I don't understand this behavior. What causes this? Most people when they do something that is hurtful to someone else say they are sorry or feel remorse. When he does s omething wrong to me, he rages even further and blames me. Psychologically speaking, what is this? I don't know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Oh, and he also asked me if I had taken son to see harry potter movie yet. I said yep. He said then "you don't leave me anything do you?". How am I supposed to even know that he wanted to take son to see that movie if I don't even really communicate with this man? Just another example of his rage and blame thing.

((Not Peachy))

I'm sorry girl,I was driving home from a divorce support group tonight and STBXH,called I picked it up before looking.Thinking it was my mom calling to check on me.And to make this brief he said alot of the same things.
You just need to go get f*cked,it would be good for you.
Ohh and I think it's healthy for you to date around,why won't you? were not married anymore!!
(WERE STILL MARRIED DUMB A**) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> sorry!
And I wanted to divorce your crazy a** along time ago.and the list goes on....I don't understand the thinking behind this either.I mean it would be great to go get F*cked right now,but I'm married and still love him i'm not over this yet.HOW DARE THEY....say these things!!??
We beleive in our vows we hold true to our promises.....I mean it would be great about now to get some BUT,I will not become an adultress because of it.They want us to sink down in there mud with them.
2 more months to go,then watch out world mary's free..LOL
Keep your head up Not Peachy your doing so well!
Hugs,
Mary

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{PEACHY}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You are doing good, and from what I understand, anger is good at this stage. It shows you are moving out of the shock and denial stage. Just dont get stuck in the anger stage. Thats also where I am at

OMG H told me exactly same thing "look in the mirror...You're the reason I left. You have no one to blame but yourseld" Says he left because the way I treated him!!! Now that he is gone, I am seeing the emotional abuse for what it was. 26years of it. He left because he couldnt control me anymore. Thats what an abuser does. I forgave him over and over, but he broke his last straw. I would not tolerate his double life and using me for a doormat any longer. He left because he lost that control over me.

Thanks espoir...I am 46 years old, married since age 20, 4 kids, starting menopause and now I have to find it in myself to somehow pull myself together and start over.

Girls,

Lets see if we can get my wife together with your husbands...they sound like matches made in "heaven".

My divorce should be final in a month or so.....I will then be available for some "revenge sex". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Any takers?

Just kidding....this stuff is so painful that we all need to take a breath....relax...and laugh.

Its been over 2 years for me and I can tell you all that you will laugh again. Wouldnt it have been great to have had these MB tools before our marriage. Well, be thankful that you never have to enter another relationship without them. Its still gonna be hard work....but its gonna be perfect.

Happy Thanksgiving all.

Love and Light,

Randy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Randy0220:
Girls,

My divorce should be final in a month or so.....I will then be available for some "revenge sex". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Any takers?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LMAO alllll the WAY!!!!

Somehow I don't think you were kidding, Randall .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Resilient:
[/i]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LMAO alllll the WAY!!!!

Somehow I don't think you were kidding, Randall .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> [/QB][/QUOTE]

Shhhhhhhhhhh....Resilient....Im hunting wabbits.heehee.

Hey you dont know me well enough to jump to that conclusion. Or are you the girl I ask out last week? Hey ya never know.

Besides after waiting two years ...I dont think you can call it revenge sex anymore. But gee after reading these posts I might just get lucky here....

Sorry...Im just joking really. I know how much pain and sorrow is here...I use to live on MB for quite some time. Been away for a while healing. I should be divorced by the end of the year...so now Im back looking for dating advice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Actually its over two years ..the divorce process here in PA is very slow. My marriage is over and frankly Im happy about it now...well Im very happy anyway.

This is funny....you know how as a BS you feel all rejected and worthless and stuff? Well, last week I asked this beautiful girl out...she is divorced, available, quite stunning....the type of girl that I could be happy just stareing at all day long...Im talking beyond pretty here.

She flat out rejected me! Well not flat out ...but long story short....rejection!

Im still happy tho...hey Ive been thrown off the horse...kicked and bitten by it. Now after more than 2 years... I try to get back on the horse and the horse poops on my head....whats up with that?????? Its not really one of the needs I was trying to fulfill. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

If there is a point here....I guess that I have gotten to the point of forgetting about the hurt...forgiving if I can..and just joyfully moving on....you only hurt yourself trying to combine their new lives with your old one...

Moving on has been a very good thing for me mentally...Now if I can just get this horse $hit out of my hair <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Resilient...I resemble the remark that I might take advantage of some poor vulnerable, sex starved creature here....wait....I havent had it for 2 years...1 month...20 days...!!!!!!!!!!

Never Mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Love and Light,

Randall

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by notpeachyinga:
<strong>His cycle is this--I have a d day and find out about yet another woman and whammo--he gets aggressive and lashes out at me. Whenever there is the possibility of HIS being the wrong one in anything, he rages. I don't understand this behavior. What causes this? Most people when they do something that is hurtful to someone else say they are sorry or feel remorse. When he does s omething wrong to me, he rages even further and blames me. Psychologically speaking, what is this? I don't know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I'm not a psychologist, but his idea that you need to sleep around suggests to me that "projective identification" is a significant component here. Basically, your husband is attempting to transplant the part of himself that he isn't happy with into you, and he wants you to act in accordance with that aspect of himself so that he suffers less psychic stress in maintaining this delusion.

In other words, he knows he's in the wrong but he isn't willing to admit it to himself, let alone to you. Until he can admit it to himself, he will not feel remorse. Of course, he won't have inner peace either, and since he feels bad but it can't be his fault, someone else must be to blame. And your proximity and involvement makes you the inevitable scapegoat.

The more outrageous and absurd my wife's accusations toward me became, the better I felt about myself, because it became increasingly clear that, whatever the source of her distress and the collapse of our marriage, it had little or nothing to do with me. Otherwise, my wife would have been complaining about something I really did.

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 07:46 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

Peachy,

His suggestion to you to go out and get some is classic fogese. He's trying to push your buttons and get a rise out of you. You cut off contact so his solution is to punish you by saying mean things. He also gets to draw you back into the interaction, gets you to get angry (justifying to himself his claim that you are "nutso", crazy, hysterical etc.) His claim that you should get a life also reveals his guilt. Yes it would be easier for him if you got a life, he wouldn't have to feel guilty for leaving you and your son alone.

I think you should try to focus on dignity in your interactions with him. Don't go around and around in circles with him, that's what he wants.
If he becomes verbally abusive, tell him "I can not continue conversing with you at this time" and hang up. Or tell him to e-mail you with the information he wants to communicate.

Re: the get a life comment. A simple "I don't plan on dating until we are legally divorced" says it all.

Don't let him turn you into a victim. Go and buy those nice Xmas outfits. Push ahead with the divorce and get as much as you can. Visualize for yourself what kind of life you want for yourself and your son. Make it a happy one. I know it is easier said than done- but I know you can do it!

sunrise1- didn't want to make you feel bad with my comment to Peachy. I am your age, with 3 kids, and I had to face the possibility of being in your situation. Fortunately, my H and I were able to reconcile. I still worry about it happening again down the road, when I am older and more vulnerable. But I think my H is solid, and I can't predict the future.
In Peachy's case, since she is young, and since her H has demonstrated instability in 2 marriages + lack of remorse, it seems like she might be smart to cut her losses.
I am terribly sorry about your situation, it must be terrifying to be in your position. I can only only hope good things come your way- contentment, relief from your exH's abuse, respect, and love in its many forms.

Off from work today b/c I am really sick. Got sick while visiting the fam. Spent the last day there basically recuuperating on the couch. I feel awful. Upper respiratory and no voice. So today while home from work, I decided to start little bit of decorating. Got really winded easily but forged ahead. T omorrow am only working a half day and if not better will be off wednesday. Have some asap patients to help tomorrow so it can't be put off even though I know it would be best.

Did a few outdoor lights and my son was delighted! He says that santa can see us now from way up high when he's flying now. That is good. And wouldn't you know it....The night before I left, Deucey had son for a visit because I was having son entire thanksgiving weekend because he chose to alter visitation for his carribean fiesta with ms. family values. He tried to change things but I kindly reminded him that I changed my plans for his romp. Anyway, I am not seeing Deucey if at all possible. Wanted the drop off/pickupps to be done at school. That way no contact. But Deucey calls me to say that he is not bringing son to school. And that I have to come over to HIS house to pick up son. Why? I never come over to my old house. I have no desire. It hurts me every time to drive through that guard gate and drive there. Well I found out why he demanded me come get son. I drive into his house and see that he has lit up the entire house and yard. He comes walking out with son and says to me that "he did all of this for our son". Well if that makes his conscience feel better to hire some people and slap down some cash to keep his demons at bay then so be it. But I just teared up. No remorse that I could see. Like he was ssaying how good a dad he is despite all he has done. A good dad would light up their yard and house, even though during the years of living with mom he did not but never mind that. Was really hard. Guess if he didn't get me over there then one: I wouldn't see him and two: wouldn't see his masterpiece since the last time I was over there was in April. But I teared up and drove away. The rest of the weekend was really good. No talk of stbx at all. Just talk about the kids and family. We had a very nice dinner and afterwards each night after putting kids to bed we would sit up and watch movies and have maybe one glass of wine. Then I got sick. Yuck.

Then on Thanksgiving I got a call from Deucey. Wished us a happy thanksgiving and then asked if he would have son for the last remaining two days. Nevermind that I am five hours away from home. I said again that I had changed plans for his tropical getaway. He again backed off. It was strange but he sounded sad. Down kinda. Maybe ms. family values went and ate with her family. It maybe dawned on him how it feels splitting holidays. Not in eight years had we spent this holiday apart. But there's a first time for everything. This is what he wanted though.

And thanks for your comments. and I too believe that if I just go out and get f'd like he wants me to that I would be now on his level. IMHO, getting a life is alot more to it than getting f'd. Just a tiny part of the good stuff in life to me. It was sooooo funny. On Sunday when son and I were leaving the family getting ready to drive home, son said he wanted to stop at ihop for pigs in a blanket (his favorite breakfast) and it was sunday morning. There seemed to be a few single dads there with their kids and they really gave me the once over. Made me feel better despite the sick stuff. So Deucey certainly should have just cause to sound ssad. Turning me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> loose on the world next month may not be such a good thing for him...

I am not going to discuss my personal life with him. It dawned on me that he could have said that to indeed get my goat and hope that I would possibly have blurted out that I did do that. (although I did not). He could have taped that and because this is a fault state could have been the undoing of me legally. It is horrible, but now I think on that level too. Guess either he had tried to get a confessional out of me or he would just have wanted to get my gander. He did however succeed on making me very angry. But that is not my focus. I am focusing this week on just getting well and seeing son. Son to visit Deucey this weekend. I am going to get the tree up on wednesday and let son help me. Son is so happy. Yes, this will be a very bittersweet holiday for me, but I am doing better than this time last year. Guess he's just done too much this time.

I wonder if they ever watch "It's a Wonderful Life" and cry? Throwing away your family has got to be awful, at least on some level for those wayward ones. Thank you for your friendship and prayers. Hoping you and your family had a great holiday.

We are somehow gonna get through this holiday stuff. Maybe we will even enjoy it. I am trying. Hard but trying.

Peachy,

Ahh, come on .....take your husbands advice. Im available....I will leer at you all you want. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Actually your son will be just fine. Its not the lights and trees that make the holidays. Its the love...

The death of a marriage is sad. And you must mourn that for a time...but life will go on....and I know there will come a time for you when you are so happy that you won't even care enough to make up "pet hate" names for the X....or STBX.

So send me a picture so I can ogle you....errrrrrr... have a joyfull holiday.

Have a great Christmas.

Smile kid, I bet it looks great on you.

Take good care.

Randy

Thanks Randy..I am resolving next year sometime to leave the convent...lol... But until then I am gonna be the woman I am. No ogling until Jan ok? Then to heck with it! I shall live life without limits...Well reasonable limits. Heck I am just too conservative to have no limits morally though...lol...

But I am hanging in here and somehow smiling. Making up names for stbx like Austin and Deucey are what keeps my spirits up. When I see the behavior and how outrageous it is I can't help sometimes but just shake my head in amazement. Like the time I once told the mistress known as the monkeyho, "I feel like I am stuck in a bad Jerry Springer episode and that there are no trailer parks and no relatives that are intermarried and no throwing chairs yet." Gotta go. Cooking a snack for my son (his fav--tater tots). Oh the joys of culinary masterpieces...Four year old style.

Hi Peachy,

Hey you are on.

Sorry about the joking around. Im all talk. I have been seperated for over 2 years and would be divorced but the courts here in PA are very slow.

But like you....Im still a "virgin" errrrrr well kinda anyway. What I mean is that I havent really entered the dating world yet as Im not divorced.

Name calling is good for the spirit and the mind. But you will be truely healed when you dont even care anymore.

Its funny...I saw the "wife" and the OM yesterday. Now this is after 2 years.. All I could think to do was smile and wave. I cant tell you how good that made me feel. They on the other hand looked very uncomfortable. Perfect really...they deserve each other. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So 4 year olds like tater tots? Gee..so do I...

I thought you Southern gals were famous for Grits.

Just kidding.

I know what you are saying about your husband being someone else. I too wondered about what happened to that great wife of mine. I finally realized that that person died ...she is someone else now. And like you I had a hard time mourning a dead person...when you still see them walking around....harder than a death really.

Look in the mirror and learn to like that person you see...Thats the best advice I can give. One day a smile will return to that face you see. Then look out world....the lady may just go wild...well conservetevly wild anyway... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have a GREAT Holiday....keep looking in the mirror and smiling kiddo...it looks good on ya.

Take good care.

Randy

Hi notpeachyinga,
I must say...you have a great sense of humor....I have laughed at this post the whole time reading it...I know the subject is heartbreaking and you are in my thoughts but the way you vent and communicate what you are experiencing with us is so can I say entertaining....so sad that it is real....Keep the positive attitude and look out in January world...here she comes.....My prayers are with you.....stay cool and I love the pet names......