I just was hoping to get some thoughts from other people on Midlife Crisis and how this played into the problems they are experiencing with their WS now. I know for my part, my husband started his first affair almost 10 years ago, shortly after he turned 40. Up till then, he was a strong contender for the World's Best Husband Award, and I mean that sincerely. That's the guy I cry over, not the person he is now. He also was climbing the career ladder, with my support, and he reached a respectable level of power and prestige at that time. I thought I was showing my pride in him, but maybe at this stage of life, you need to show it more?? I'm not looking backward with tons of regret, I've aleady done that and let it go,but I am curious to hear from other people who saw their spouse morph into someone else at this stage of life. It doesn't happen to everyone, and it differs between men and women, but the results are always the same - devastating. I see so much MLC in my WH right now, even though he insists that what he is doing is going to make him happy and free. What's happy and free about leaving your beautiful home, wife, daughter, beloved dog and two cats for a cheap, sparsely furnished apartment and unlimited access via e-mail, phone and God knows how else to your MOW?? Do you think that MLC could be a chemical imbalance? Could it cause the vacillating behaviors and tendency to want to continue their double lives (cake eaters) even after every thing is exposed? They all say the same things (love, not IN love ((gag me!!)), need space, what you did years ago is what ruined things)and so many people here are at about the same place in life... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I don't know, maybe if I'd pumped more veggies into his diet it would have helped?? Anyway, I'd be interested in hearing some other people's thoughts on this. Does having an MLC always mean having an affair?? And does the affair have to be with another person?? My WH has had an affair with his work for years now too and admits to it. Or is this really just a failure on my part to meet all of his emotional needs? Thanks for your thoughts - I have finished my wine now and will retire for the evening to ponder, weak and weary, over all this stuff... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I had to scan one more time the boards before bed and come across this topic!!!!

Well let me tell you!!!! Seriously my STBXH had a midlife crisis that started at 38 while he was on a remote assignment to Korea. He started e mailing an old Neighborhood friend which led to an EA, never admitted to the EA, she "needed" his emotional support through a crisis of her own. He came home from Korea and we moved to the next assignment. We talked and he promised that he loved me and that we would stay together forever!!!! The contact continued with my knowledge, he told me he had turned it back into a friendship only thing, I trusted him!!!

Our son graduated HS, STBXH turned 40, my parents visited, he had to make his next promtion or his career was over, he wasn't use to living with his family he'd been on his own for a year. He had the opportunity to go on a business trip about 10 hrs away from OW, he had visited her family many times while on business, I knew this!!! I was not ok with this trip though!!!! Seen the writing on the wall!!! Came back from trip "I want a divorce, I am not happy" me, "what are you un-happy about?" Him "I just need to be happy the rest of my life!!!" Me "Are you un-happy now?" Him, "No, didn't you hear me I need to be happy with her"

Well that was Jan 01, and the divorce isn't final yet!!! Is he happy? A false happiness, does he see this? No! Do others around him see this? Big time!!!!

My PA at the hospital, says that there is some kind of in-balance that causes this in some and not others!!! It is still a control issue, he had control over letting this happen to his family or not, and he chosse to do what made him happy, a very selfish choice!!! Does he see the pain that this has caused his children? No, they aren't showing it to him, it's me that gets the brunt of all of that, When they see or talk to dad (there is an 11 hr drive between us) they are to happy and excited and feeling good about dad seeing them and spending time with them that they forget to show the anger and hurt!!!

This is a site that has been passed around on this MB many times, but it is worth the read!!!
http://128.121.203.65/hismidlifecrisis.html
Please check it out!!!

That is my 2 cents worth tonight on that subject!!! The question, is "Am I happy?" Yes I am happy with me and with my life!!! Am I sad and hurt by what he has allowed to happen to our family, yes. That I can't control, I can and do control how I feel and deal with the issue though!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My husband "retired" at 40, sold his accounting practice, and we moved from the US to Europe (my idea -- my own MLC), where I got a job. My husband looked after our then 12-year-old and kept house, but the culture clash was too great --nobody here retires at 40, so my husband definitely didn't get the respect he deserved, and his self-esteem sank dangerously. A woman with too much time on her hands befriended my husband and you can imagine the rest. Needless to say, my husband regretted retiring (blamed it on me) and is now training for a new job. He regretted having a small family and an ungrateful son (of course, blamed that all on me, too) and tried to get his 49-year-old girlfriend pregnant!

Over a year later, he still sees the other woman, although I believe she is just seeing him through a difficult time and their relationship is not forever. He is preparing for his new career (he'll earn his certificate in June). He tells me he is just as confused as ever about me and her. He has no contact with our 16-year-old son, and I just wrote him a no-contact letter.

Here is a man who has been reinventing himself for the past couple of years. We had a wonderful life together for the 26 prior years, but I have no idea whether my son and I will be back in his life after he gets himself on his feet.

I get no support from anyone for my decision to remain "available" to him during this time. I suspect everyone tells him to let go of me, too, and that he's very influenced by the ideas of other. The Marriagebuilders concept just hasn't generally caught on, sad to say.

BridgetJones

OK
I'll sign up for this club! Same scenario...wonderful husband, great dad, until a year ago when he was abducted by MLC aliens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> So after we've been through soooo much - started out on welfare, supported him through 10 years of college inc. PhD, major surgery, death of parent, etc., I got the "we never should have been married, she's my soul mate" message <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I've said it before here, those of us who've been married this long face a more unique set of challenges during separation and divorce than others because of our shared history with our WS.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know, maybe if I'd pumped more veggies into his diet it would have helped?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gee, could it have been THAT easy??? If only I had known! Hindsight is always 20/20. LOL However, I DO think depression plays a role in a lot of MLC, and my husband has ALL the symptoms of that illness.

My H is definitely cake-eating while I'm prayerfully considering how much and how to distance myself. More difficult to do with adult kids, families, etc... My MIL thought our marriage was the one she never had to worry about. And my big problem for the next month will be trying to make "happy memories" for my newly-married daughter's first Christmas with her husband, while it will be my first Christmas without mine in 27 yrs.

<small>[ November 24, 2002, 06:02 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

same story here, greatest H in the world til H hit 40. Worlds best father. retired from navy, waited 20 yrs to be policeman. job lasted 2 yrs. caught down dirt road outside city limits in patrolcar with MOW. big news in a small town. Told me & son that he was leaving us to be with MOW. we just cry while H told us he wasnt happy with me & she made him feel young. I watched a man I loved turn into a monster. I fell apart then got my life together. H couldnt stand it, he wanted me to beg the rest of life for him to come home. X & Ow tried their best to have me arrested, God was with me. cost his best friend & chief of police his job. X is engaged to OW. after talking to OW X, I know his world is no different than it was with me. X has more problems now than he did in our M. OW & her X are in battle over the kids. X is caught in the middle. He is now full of hate towards me. Blames me for the D. Son wont talk or see him, X blames me. His world as he knew it for almost 18 yrs is gone. being a father to OW 3 kids is taking its toll on him. OW Kids say he is mean, yelling at them. He has more problems now than he did in our M. I know in my heart that I did the right thing. dont think I could have took much more of his cheating, he told me MOW wasnt the only woman he was seeing. It was starting to effected my health. I dont look back anymore, the crying stopped a yr ago. We are a family of 2 now, its like x was never a part of this family. X caused this family so much pain, but has yet to say it was his fault or say he was sorry. X is now turning into a deadbeat dad, OW X said the same thing about OW. They dont care who life they mess up.

m-17 yrs, 9 mts, 12days
x-43 me-48
c-13, 29, 8 gdr
d-5-02

ow-32
m-10yrs
c-3 under 10
d-7-02

What insightful responses - thank you all so much. I see bits and pieces of my situation in each of yours, and I share your sadness. Avondale25, I too will be trying to make my oldest daughter's first married Christmas memorable for something besides the absence of her father for the first time in her life. I too will spend my first birthday and then Christmas without him in 28 years. It is hard, isn't it? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Daybreak, I did check out the Midlife link - thank you. Thank you all.

Broken
I handled my first post-separation birthday and anniversary fine. But I admit I'm struggling with the holidays. I guess cuz they affect others, esp. new son-in-law. (They found out H left me for OW the day they got back from honeymoon.)

If you have any ideas or ways that you are handling how to do this Christmas for your daughter (since it's her first as a young married) I would love to hear them. This is the only thing that has me "down" right now...thinking of her husband's first Christmas with her & her side of the family, and not the same happiness as last year around my house. Our other child - son - is involved in things that forced us to do a "Tough Love" scenario, so he's not going to be here either. I know they'll plan to visit the other set of parents but I feel like I'm letting them down because I'm not up to going "whole hog" with ALL the decorations, cooking a HUGE meal, etc... And even doing those were because I realized I needed to do them for her sake instead of having a "pity party" for myself. I am open to any ideas. The only thing I've done so far is getting a Hallmark "First Christmas Together 2002" ornament. It's a small thing, but I felt proud of myself for thinking of it...it will be a good memory (hopefully) they can keep forever. Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, as per usual, I found this thread late, but I definitely belong here!

H just "up and left" one day. Had been suffering from depression for quite awhile before then (I didn't see it at the time, I was going through plenty of my own crises).

The only thing he has been able to "admit" to me since that time (year and a half ago) is that he was "unhappy" - hmmm, I guess that's a real reason to just walk away from your 21+ yr M with no explanation!

NO ow at the time, although I thought there was, since he moved in with a woman. I NEVER believed it was A, becuase nothing "fit" the stories of the others on this board. Well, turns out I was right. THE DAY OUR DV was finalized, he packed up and moved across the country to be with his FOO. Now there's a strange sitch....my H left me to be with HIS SISTER?!?!?! And his dad?!?!?!? How WEIRD is that?!?!?!

His family has always wanted to be rid of me. I never really believed they'd be able to pull us apart. I guess at his lowest, most vulnerable point, they were able to pull it off.
I'm still bewildered. HOW can it be better being with your SISTER than a W, someone you can share *lots of stuff* with that you wouldn't share with your sister?!?!?!
(No, they're NOT weird in that way........)

Well, it wouldn't be the first time they've "promised" him that they'd "help him" to a better life. Of course, it never panned out, so I'm going to be interested to see how long it lasts THIS TIME.

I know his MLC mentality definitely played a part in his falling right into their hands for this. I mean, if he wasn't feeling like, "Life is passing me by...." and "Is there something better out there I'm missing out on?" that they could talk him into trying, he'd NEVER just walk out like this. Plus, SOMEONE footed the bill for the div. attorney! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (H left with little more than the clothes on his back).

I seem to be the odd ball on this list - one of the few who's S did NOT leave for op. Sometimes I wonder if I even belong here at all. No one seems to have an answer for how my situation might eventually turn out, since it fits NONE of the molds built by the Harleys.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Anyway, that's my story, FWIW.

God Bless,

You know, at first I thought that this was just a Mid life crisis for my wife. But now I truly think that she is who she finally appears to be.

Oh, I heard it all. "I havn't made it like my friends." (Well she is a teacher, and her friends are teachers with big earning husbands. I am a doctor that just finished my residency, I will make it big time next July.) "I need to find someone while I am still young." "When do I get to have MY solace?" "I am so tired of not having anything." Oh, yes,... I heard it all. And truthfully, I didn't understand one damn word of it.

She thinks that her behavior has nothing to do with anyone else. That her past infidelity should not affect me or how I view her. That her infidelity had nothing to do with the collapse of our marriage. That I am trying to hurt her in every way that I can. (I can't believe this one, because if I wanted to hurt her, I could crush her.) She is so afraid, that she is starting to believe her own crap. And yet, she continues to lie to everyone about the circumstances of our last year, and breakup. She tells people what she thinks I am doing, and then, obviously they are horrified and relay back to her what an [censored] I am, therefor, 'everyone agrees with her'. I wonder what those same people would think if I had 5 minutes with them, a computer and a few pictures. I would be interested.

She has created this little world in which she is the downtrodden and I am the blasphemer. She is folding herself into this pristine little 4th grade teacher, single mother thing, and has began to believe it rather than just lie about it. I truly think she has gone over the edge. But it doesn't matter. As she stated tonight, "She is no longer my problem."

I thought that it was MLC, but I think that it is just the real her, finally showing up. No one could MLC to this degree...

But you know, I just no longer care. But I still have to deal with her for my boys' sake.

<small>[ November 24, 2002, 07:34 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

broken, I relate to the MLC issue: my H (who turned 50 this weekend) returned to drinking and using drugs after almost 10 years of sobriety. Understandably, everything went downhill from there, but his descent into addiction looked a lot like an MLC. He'd already bought a Harley and started hanging out with kids in their early to mid 20's, he began yelling at me about my past and then suddenly moved out and into a motel room with the then 21 year old MOW. Soon after that, he bought an old Porsche, started listening to rap music, that MOW likes, and stopped coming to work.

During his sobriety, we'd gotten back together, he had gotten back the professional license he'd lost due to drug abuse, we'd moved to the country, created a business together, and built a beautiful home. His son from his 1st marriage lived with us and we also took in his niece and nephew due to their parents addictions (it's a family disease). We had horses, dogs, cats, and at various times, rabbits, chickens, ducks, goats, and pigs. Everything seemed to be going great.

But he too was showing symptoms of depression, and he too blamed my past behavior and told me that I didn't give him enough admiration. He also became extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. He continued to see me on the sly, as though I was now the OW and even went to MC with me until I finally got the strength to tell him that unless he got sober and ended his relationship with the OW, our marriage was over. He continued to call and leave messages (mostly unpleasant) until I changed my phone number. That was about 6 months ago.

Now he's shifted the verbal abuse from me to the OW. In the almost two years they've lived together, they've been evicted from one house (with a $2000 judgement against him) and four apartments for fighting, threatening neighbors, and trashing the places.

Is he happy? Sure doesn't sound like it to me!

We spent our last anniversary together, but we spent my birthday and now his birthday apart and I'm looking ahead to Thanksgiving and Christmas without him. The kids are all gone, my family is across the country, but I've made plans with friends.

I'm so glad I can finally laugh at my WH and his MLC antics. He's a joke. At 45, after years of depression & increased drinking, he's now showing all the signs & more. And all I can think about him is - how pathetic he is. This was a man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, we had the perfect fairy-tale romance. But he sure couldn't handle the thought of getting old....

He started working in Indonesia at the beginning of this year, began an A with local girl almost immediately & got her pregnant the first month - or SOMEONE did <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Then he set her up in a house & spending oodles of money on her (and I mean in the tens of thousands!). Of course he's also working on a tan, exercising, getting his hair "styled", wearing young-looking clothes & sandals & sexy underwear, listening to Britney & Christina (gag!). You know the rest.... motorcyle (complete with scarf around his head), drinking & carousing all night. The last straw was finding the porno e-mails on his computer - how trite and ordinary.

And then there are the justifications for his behavior. I trapped him, wouldn't let him do what he wanted (like have an A ???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and made him less of a man. Not only that, his mother also was horrible - after 10 years of telling me how great a mother she is! Guess he's out to disown all of us women. At least the ones who don't roll goo-goo eyes at him & purr about what a big strong witty (rich American) man he is.

So he's given up a fabulous life with me - a woman who is his intellectual equal, someone who shares his interests & culture & history, a partner in enjoyable activities & recreation, an interesting and stimulating conversationalist, an independent career woman who can help him build the life we both want. And for what? So he can have a short fantasy with someone who will feed his failed ego.

Well, I'm on the way to recovery. I still cry for the lost dreams. But I can't mourn losing this stranger who's taken over my WH's body. I could never take him back now, not after seeing him this way. I've lost all respect for him as a man.

Yes, I got the same "trapped" line too. How I wouldn't get to tell him what to do anymore, I was not going to control him or make him feel guilty anymore....excuse me?? I thought we were partners in life together, I never intended to make him feel "trapped". I made the mistake of watching some old home videos of Christmas a few years ago...I watched with tears streaming down my face, listening to the loving interaction of my precious family, knowing that I won't be hearing my H call me "honey" on this Christmas morning. He won't even be around. I won't be watching these videos again for a long time, my heart just can't handle it.
Thanks all for your responses.

I am convinced my H is going through a midlife crisis. He is 42. We had a huge argument and he was determined to leave. Our short (so far) marriage had a lot of ups and downs but things began to get so much better, when he just seemed to crash. He was the most loving, devoted, sweet (though moody) husband, revered God and just a sincere man. He became a different person out of the blue, didn't want anything to do with me, impulsively moved out, signing a year lease on an apartment, secretly bought a Lexus, lost weight, works out extensively, and filed divorce right away, insisting to end the marriage by the end of the year for tax purposes. I'm still in shock. I know we loved each other and I still love him.

There is no real evidence of an A. The only thing was I found woman's name, phone and address in his car, but I haven't "caught" him doing anything. He insists there is no one else, but I worry about his ENs and PNs not being met.

Do men tend to snap out of these things or do they take years? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I can relate with each and everyone of you on some level. XH gave me the same lines. I was tying him down, not letting him be happy. Took up scuba diving and that was his life (of course OW was scuba diving as well) started tanning all the time, going to the gym and was not involved in any family things.

Was always distant with his parents but was suddenly convinced that they had not treated him right when younger, (too much responsibility) and became estranged from them again. Did not have time to do the things that we used to do.

Had all the signs of depression but refused to admit that he had a problem. Convinced me that I was the problem and I went on AD's. Started drinking a lot (I'm sure this is continuing). We're not talking 1-2 beers an evening we are talking 3-4 beers and then a couple of mixed drinks on top of that. When asked about the drinking, I was nagging him.....

Wanted to buy a motorcycle and was angry when I told him that financially we couldn't afford it and if he paid off D's student loan then he could buy one.

All these stories sound like they could be the same man/woman.

They have all given up so much and I don't think my X has realized it yet. There was many years that I kept our family afloat financially when construction was down (X's job). Don't know if he will ever realize that he has changed. I did tell him once that I didn't love him any more. He was not the man that I married and I would never love the man that he had become. Didn't have much to say but not sure he realized what I actually had just told him.

All I can say is that their loss is someone elses gain.