I just want to scream!!!!

H called me this morning and left message on my cell to call him back. Many times over the last week H has called to talk/or stop to see kids.

Most of the time I have been at work when he calls or stops by. Kids look at caller ID and dont pick up the phone. 20YO told me fri nite that on Wed H stopped and left note on kitchen table about 3 kids (at home) to call him.

Son ripped it up without even showing other 2. I told other 2 about the note, but no one returned his call

So anyway H calls this am and says Im turning kids against him, blah, blah, blah

When he gets money from his mother, he is divorcing my F@@@@@@ sorry A&&. I didnt let on that I had already filed for this to start the process. His mother isnt even dead...Money was put in CD many years ago for US as we were in such bad financial shape his parents wanted to help us out. Financial disaster is his doing stemming from drug and alcohol use. Poor judgement, lack of responsibility and immature thinking, DUI, etc.

His father died 3 years ago and bro + mom rolled over CD so she could live off interest. He wants that money so bad he can taste it. He wants it to start new life with OW. Lawyer said, since it has been in his name for so long and is not part of inheritance, parents intended it for US, he probably wont get it, but will go to paying off loans to financially seperate us. This will really piss him off. He wants a new sports car too... says he deserves it!!!!

His bro and Sis say that they are going to see what they can do about having money bypass him and go directly to his children, dont know if thats possible but my Bro-in-law is really sympathetic to shape/situation H has put us in and he is pretty smart in financial matters.

Also...OW's H called me last nite. As i believed, it was never over, the whole 2 years we were going to marriage counselor, he was still living the double life. knew he couldnt get away at nites or weekends so they played hookey from work.. quite frequently. canoeing, trips to the beach etc... and divorce isnt final as my H said it was. AND, I will probably be subpoened to court in Dec....On my 26 wedding anniversary!!!!! What else can top this?????

His 4 YO daughter (H told me she was 6) tells her daddy that "a girl naned anthony has been sleeping with mommy" (H has long hair), she has looked in bedroom and seen them together. her H is livid, and seeking full custody.

OW is also an alcoholic. Drinks several times a week to get drunk. OW's H has to have child this weekend cause OW is going to college homecoming (I looked it up...it already took place 11-2) So I hope they get drunk and drive off the mountain together.

H is threatening again about not paying (not too worried, but some)for house. Wants me to give him a budget, but Im just stalling as I know lawyer is already working on it.

I am so ready to have this nightmare over with. 26 years of emotion and physical abuse. financial disaster,addictions and all the other hell. God is taking all that pain away from me and I know I am becoming stronger every day.

I lost 20 pounds and my goal is to get my head back to where it was in 1974, with all my psyche intact.

Our MC did tell us back on 10-3..last session before H left on 10-5, that I had completely normal and realistic expectations of what a marriage SHOULD be like. I am hopefull that there is someone in my future to fill that position!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 24, 2002, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: sunrise1 ]</small>

sunrise,

The similarities mount ....

Re your kids </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but no one returned his call
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mine don't want to talk to their Dad either.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> His father died 3 years ago </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH's Dad died in May of 1999. WH went to visit him when he first got sick in March of that year & basically never returned home. The visits got longer and longer .... and it was more fun to be away from wife and kids & get together with old friends ... and boy did that feel good ....WH was done raising kids in his eyes (youngest was 9 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and it was time for him to have fun. Soory for the vent, it pours out at times!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OW is also an alcoholic.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How befitting, one alcoholic finds anothe one to do all the stuff a practicing alcoholic likes to do.

((((((((((((((((sunrise))))))))))))))))))))
This too shall pass.

God Bless,

D.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{WGTT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks. I needed that. I know it wont last too long. You cant survive too long in the fast lane without crashing and burning. I pray that he doesnt take anyone else out with him.

From what OW's X stold me. They are enjoying all the things we used to do together. He has even introduced her to many spots where I took him and had a great time.
Its not like Im too old for him, that we never had fun or good times, its just that he has a better time if he's high or on drugs. And, as I said before..He couldnt accept deposits in the love bank if the good times dont permanently register. Thats still not going to happen with both of them being alcoholics and he will become resentful, only then it will be too late for him to return to us and he will be a very angry, lonely person.

Anyway, I had a pretty good day.

Bro-I-L called me tonite to see if I spoke to lawyer today.and I did get some teary eyed then, but he is pretty solid and is angry at his brother for what he has done. I called and left message for lawyer. He was in conference all afternoon so I probably will talk to him tomorrow. Im anxious to get this ball rolling as I want this nitemare behind us.

Now that H is gone, past issues of abuse are coming to mind. Things that I have blocked just to be able to cope.

I just remembered in the past several days that when we got married, in-laws gave all three of their children a portrait of themselves. H hung ours in a long closet in our first apartment. Then he would get out the gun that he stole on our honeymoon and have target practice on that portrait... HIS PARENTS PORTRAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still havent been able to aet up that counseling appt. As I am switching therapists I have to go through intake again.

I am so overwhelmed right now with work I dont know how I will get through. I also do not have even a penny right now to buy Christmas gifts with.

Hopefully, my home business will take off this week, that is all my extra spending money, but H is taking more money from joint account every week. This week was 400$ just in spending money. He gets breakfast, lunch and dinner, 5 days a week with his job and only has to pay for gas. He is living at his moms, no rent, so I guess rest is for him and crotch crickets pleasure.

sunrise,

I went to an alanon meeting tonight & the subject was the Holidays. It was interesting to me to hear the adult children of the alcoholics. I went for me & really only related to those with spouses who used. BUT, this was a revelation (should have been obvious just never thought about it this way) My kids are going to grow up and be adult children of alcohics!!!! I wonder what they will say in meetings??? Actually they would be blessed if they catch a glimpse of the program.

I am doing Thanksgiving & feel ok about it. But decided Christmas was too much so will be going to my Mom's outside of Phila. I will tell WH that friends are staying here so he doesn't get any ideas to bring cocaine queen down here to MY house. UUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

16 YO D is upset that she has to clean for her Dad, who only graces us with his presence for 2 days of the year <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Life is exciting isn't it???

My BIL's are supportive of me too & think their brother is a jerk. One BIL told me he was surprised that we lasted this long.

God Bless,

D.

WGTT. have a great holiday. I guess you are used to him not being there by now. It is still raw with me.

Had to speak to H today. Lawyer wanted me to take out life insurance on my H to protect the kids since he has so mishandled our finances. I set up policy which me & kids are paying for. H balked but he did sign papers. They have to set up appt for bloodwork and H is stalling. They have called him many times and he wont set up appt (5 min...they will come to wherever he wants. even to romantic park where he takes his little bimbette) anyway, they called me today and said they are cancelling policy cause he wont cooperate, so I had to call him at work and badger him to cooperate and not screw it up. H promised he would call, well see

I missed al-anon for the last 2 weeks. this week is thur so I dont know if they will have it. Next thur I am teaching a bow class and will make about $150 for 2 hours work, so I cant really turn it down. Ill have to see if there is another local one I can go to as I am feeling that I really need it.

I got through 3 days without crying!!!!!

sunrise,

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Actually WH comes home for the Holidays - I guess so he can say he is a "family man". He sleeps for days then when it's time to leave he gets energy & flys away.

Thank God for alanon. I have gone to more meetings lately and have been working with my sponsor on working the steps. The friendships that I have made are very special, like those on the MB board.

For Christmas, I decided not to put myself thru anguish here at home so the kids & I will go to my Mom's (near Phila) WH is there too. Coping with the Holiday's was the topic at Monday's Alanon meeting. Last year WH was supposed to be home on the 18th, he didn't make it till the 23rd. Then he left suddenly on the 27th. It was the worst Christmas that I ever had.

God Bless,

D.

<small>[ November 27, 2002, 09:09 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

sunrise and WGGT,
I relate to both your stories (check my signature line). My H left 2 years ago, but came home the first year for Christmas with the kids. These weren't even my kids he abandoned, but his son and his niece and nephew. His son stayed in contact, even used drugs with him - he told me using drugs together was the closest they'd ever been! His niece gave him several chances before giving up and nephew doesn't want anything to do with him. His sister is disgusted with him and his parents haven't seen or heard from him in months. His son, my stepson was sentenced to two years in state prison yesterday for drug related crimes.

MOW is also a drug abuser and probably an addict like he is by now - neither has worked in the two years they've been together. I send money because we own a business together that I'm now running alone.

H's lawyer contacted me last week because my H has "concerns" that he's not getting his share of the profits - he's getting a lot more than I am! She wanted the 3 of us to sit down together, but I have a restraining order against him and he has a number of charges pending against him for violating it and threatening to kill me. Sorry, I don't want to see or hear from him...

I also don't know what I'd do without Al-Anon. I go to 4 meetings a week. I read lots of Al-Anon literature as well as other self-help stuff. Recently I reread The Verbally Abusive Relationship and it really helped to stop me from taking all the MB and Al-Anon advice that says to look at ourselves and using it against myself to blame myself, as my WH does, for everything that he's done!

He's a very sick man. He turned his life around 12 years ago and then let it all slip away. It's very sad.

Sunrise, hope the business does well, and both you and WGTT, I hope the holidays are wonderful, in spite of the circumstances.

lets try.

So similar. Its amazing how the drugs and alcohol abuse cause such predictable results.

H also was sober for # of years. Even taught sunday school for about 6. After d day I asked him why he wouldnt go back to teaching SS. He had no hobbies and really needed to feel he had a purpose in life. God gives you that purpose.

he said... "I tried that, that was no fun"

So basically, thats all he wants. all fun, no responsibilities.

we did everything for him, make everything less stressful in his life so he wouldnt use. I painted, repaired things. Only thing he wanted to do was mow lawn and he bought 6000$ lawn tractor for that. towards end, he even talked about hiring someone to do that (We had no money for tractor, let alone hiring someone to mow lawn)

Wait til young OW realises my H is not going to be able to give her the nice home she threw away with her H. and theres always the possibility of more DUI and other financial problems. Not to mention physical and emotional abuse..Nope, dont think that will last too long.

I went everywhere, knocked my brains out trying to find different and exciting things for us to do, we had lots of fun, but it still wasnt enough. He always has to take everything to next level.

Fun is even more fun on drugs and the good times with wife are doubled when you have wife and mistress doing same things with you. We would go canoeing at nite while he was playing hookey at work and canoeing during day. etc......

I am 46, H will be 47 in Jan
OW is 29, not divorced yet with 4 year old daughter. She was married for less than 6 months when she started fooling around with my H.
She moved out for 1 month and her lawyer told her to move home and stick it out for 18months so H could not get annulment and she would get a monetary settlement.

((((sunrise))))

That "fun" your WH is chasing after reminds me of an AA speaker I once heard at an AA/Al-Anon conference with my then sober WH. His name is Clancy and he's from S. Cal. He gave a funny talk about all the "FUN" (emphasizing that word every time he said it) he was having while drinking and using drugs as the chaos in his life mounted. He talked about how the periods of "FUN" while he was high got shorter and shorter and shorter until they pretty much disappeared and he was just getting high because he could no longer stop.

I sometimes resent my WH's "easy life" of drugs, alcohol, kinky sex (that's another addiction he shares with MOW), and "early retirement." But when I look at it objectively it doesn't look "fun" at all. Like your H, he no longer can get enjoyment out of the good things in life (such as teaching SS, working, nature, family, friends, etc.). I know exactly what you mean about having to "take everything to the next level." This isn't really FUN, it's SAD and driven by FEAR.

Today especially I have to be grateful for my sanity, my friends, my family, my self-respect, all things my WH has sacrificed in chasing that elusive "FUN."

sunrise & letstry,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he bought 6000$ lawn tractor for that. towards end, he even talked about hiring someone to do that (We had no money for tractor, let alone hiring someone to mow lawn)

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You too !!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Its amazing how the drugs and alcohol abuse cause such predictable results.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They think they have freedom or at least that is what they search for when really the stuff they use has them by the balls (excuse the expression but it seems to describe it perfectly)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That "fun" your WH is chasing after reminds me of an AA speaker I once heard at an AA/Al-Anon conference with my then sober WH. His name is Clancy and he's from S. Cal. He gave a funny talk about all the "FUN" (emphasizing that word every time he said it) he was having while drinking and using drugs as the chaos in his life mounted. He talked about how the periods of "FUN" while he was high got shorter and shorter and shorter until they pretty much disappeared and he was just getting high because he could no longer stop.

I sometimes resent my WH's "easy life" of drugs, alcohol, kinky sex (that's another addiction he shares with MOW), and "early retirement." But when I look at it objectively it doesn't look "fun" at all. Like your H, he no longer can get enjoyment out of the good things in life (such as teaching SS, working, nature, family, friends, etc.). I know exactly what you mean about having to "take everything to the next level." This isn't really FUN, it's SAD and driven by FEAR.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've sat in 12 step rooms for 10 years consistently and hear that same story over and over. The high is fun for a while (a short while) but after a while the power to choose is lost. That's when the crazy stuff kicks in. A craving for more more more and even when the is more, it is never enough. Somewhere deep down inside there is a feeling that life is not going good. The more fun and happiness are chased, the more elusive they become. The lies mount, the guilt mounts, and it is stuffed or drank away.

No one ever finds happiness by searching for it, whether drinking, drugging or not. It's a basic law of God. All those warning signals are God given signals. It's just easier to run and hide from God by self medicating. I wouldn't trade what my HW (appears) to have for what I have, enen tho life is not all that easy and there has been a lot of pain, I still wouldn't want his life.

This morning in Church, the sermon was about Graditude. I'm so glad it was cuz I have been sitting on my pitty pot. So, I flushed, and got off !!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I do have a lot to be greatful for.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,

D.