My H left 3 mos. ago. He told me there was nobody else. I have now found out that he was with another women. I realize it is over between the two of us because I won't be able to forgive him. My problem is that I am getting very angry at him. He takes the kids every other weekend and he is including the ow and her 2 kids with their activities. He had made sure that the ow's daughter is on all 3 sports teams of my daughter. They take turns driving the kids. My ex-H is the coach to her soccer team and the whole team cannot believe that they have gotten together. I don't really care what he does with this women - I just don't like the fact that he is using our daughter so he can be closer to this women. My daughter says she would like it better if the ow was not around when she is there. I told her to tell her dad but she will not do that - afraid to hurt his feelings. I look at him now and get soooo angry at him. I can't even talk to him without wanting to throw a few daggers at him. I don't know how to get past this anger!! I know we still have alot to work out i.e. legal separation/divorce and I really do want to be on "okay" terms with him. I just can't stand looking at him anymore! Any suggestions? Please help.

Hi Kim ....

I'm so sorry for your discovery. Being lied to by someone you love and trusted is a very valid reason for such anger.

I'm not sure on suggestions for healthy ways to vent it, although I do know there are many, and what's effective is personality-dependent. Meaning that what might work for me, may not work for you.

One thing I can tell you is NOT to internalize it. That's what I seem to do. The anger then manifests itself as the worse depression you could imagine.

I'm sure you will have more members post to give you good suggestions on how to deal with the anger. But in the meantime, just know you are not alone in feeling rage from being lied and betrayed, it is very normal.

God Bless,
Jo

Dear Resilient,

Thanks for your post. I won't keep things in as I have done that before and ended up having a nervous breakdown (learned from my mistakes). I really just want to go on with my life and try to be the best mom I can to my children. It is really hard though when I have such anger inside of me towards their dad.

((((((((Kim3)))))))

Boy that’s a tough one. When my X left she swore there was no one else. Well not only was there someone else, there were two someone else’s. Well, one of those was post separation. Anyway, I had intense anger about that whole other person thing. Then my X ended up shacking up and playing family. OM has a daughter the same age as my youngest.

Anyway, I simply decided one day that this was something that I couldn’t control and gave it to God. Easier said than done, I know. I prayed every day for them. Plus I made sure that I validated my daughters’ feelings without throwing daggers. As time went on it got easier for me to deal with the situation, good or bad, I think this was in part to knowing that my girls disagreed with the choice their mother had made. On one side they had their mom’s life and on the other they had me modeling behavior through my actions and words.

My girls are extremely active and there were plenty of opportunities for he and I to run into one another. Now it’s quite funny. He pretty much refuses to be in the same room as me for whatever reason. I’ve never said more than two words to him. Whatever the event, when I walk into the room, he walks out. Since I coach almost all sports, he spends a lot time watching from door ways but mostly he doesn’t attend. Heck for that matter, my X doesn’t attend most of them.

I guess I’m saying that there has to be a level of acceptance as to what you can and can’t control. Then making the best of the cards that you are dealt. Be there for the kids as a constant. They see you as the consistency in their lives as well as the rock that they can stand on. Please be sure not to disrupt that.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Anger is one stage of the grieving process. You are supposed to feel it, and if you can feel, you are healing. I forget them all but some are below.
Other stages:
Anger/Blame
Depression
Bargaining
Recovery

I suggest you see and individual counselor. Mine told me that my anger was situational, not permanent. And anti-depressants help to level your moods.
good luck, read all you can, especially recovery books.