This is my first time asking, but not sure where else to go...<BR>Married 5 months 42 he is 43 - second marriage for him final for me. He just doesn't not seem to be interested in sex. Informed me tonight that having sex with me during my period is especially not pleasant. But staying up with a late movie of being too tired are also good excuses. He is not very good at cuddly stuff and sex is pretty much his way with out too much adventure. I feel really frustrated. Any suggestions. He says probably just age - as he was overly active when he was younger and maybe burned out. Well I still feel young!!!!

I don't have a clue what to tell you that might be of some benefit. But I am curious, though. You're only about five years older than I am. . . You've been married before, and so it would seem to me like you would have a good idea what you would want from a marriage, having a little experience under your belt.<P>I've wondered a blue-million times what it might have been like if I had at least discussed a few more things with my spouse before marrying. . . you know, to talk about expectations and such. (I've only been married to my present spouse)<P>One of the things that (with the benefit of experience, now) I would surely discuss with a future spouse if I were ever to be considering marriage again would be whether or not sex was important/desired. My wife doesn't turn me away, but "allows" me to . . . well, it's not a need of hers on any level.<P>I guess what's really puzzling me is how you would up in a predicament like that? In only five months. . . it's not as if there has been time for vast changes in personalities/desires. Did you two discuss that before marriage?<P>Just curious, really. . .<P>(I am just amazed at the posts, where WOMEN seem to be interested in sex. . . man I really wish I had have talked about it with my wife before marriage. . . but, tut-tut. . I fell for that line "old" folks tell youngsters about to marry, that "sex isn't important" so I never even approached it with my wife. . . boy was I ever a sucker, huh? Now, at my present age, with a very long-disappointing marriage to learn from, I would NEVER marry again (most likely), but if I did, I would sure get some things covered before I did. . .<P>Please don't be offended - I just can't help wondering.<P>God Bless

One thing I've heard over and over again on this and the EN forum is that sex or the lack thereof is a symptom of other things in the relationship. <P>It could be physical issue. Many many people as they head into their 40's are beginning to reap the results of not taking care of themselves in their earlier days. Many people are over their desired weight. I heard last night that if a man has a size 42 inch waist (or higher) the odds that he is also impotent are astronomical!<P>I realize you didn't say that that was the problem with your husband. But if he's not a particularly active person to begin with, or if he's depressed, the sex is almost guaranteed to drop off. <P>imlf: I just wanted to comment on what you said about if you could start over again, you'd talk to your future mate about sex. I don't think that matters, I really don't. Like I said previously, it's not the sex, it's the relationship...It's how the two people connect on a personal, intimate level. It's also greatly affected by the care that both people take of their health and their bodies. <P>And when there are emotional disconnects in the marriage for whatever reason, and whether or not it's the man or woman...Both men and women withdraw sexually...You're just hearing from the women on this and other forums, because they happen to be the fixers in the relationship, unlike your wife. When it's the man who's depressed, unhappy and/or overweight, he withdraws, and his wife is left without a partner. <P>If she's the type to want to do things to repair the marriage, then you'll find her here, trying to work things out. <P>When something is taken away from you, you want it more than you would have if things were moving along satisfactorily. It's the dynamics of certain personalities under conflict.<P>So MB is a breeding ground (!) for dissatisfied men and women...No wonder such a risky territory for building internet friendships. <P>I always become "worried" when I read two people, a man and a woman, writing back and forth to each other here talking about "I want sex all the time and my H doesnt'!" And the other, "Wow! I can't believe you said that! My wife never wants to make love and I am going out of my mind! I wish my wife were more like you!" <P>Danger, danger, danger!

Sex certainly is important in a marriage, at least to most folks.<P>I'd suggest you start with a physical for him. He may be suffering from a declining testosterone level...easily fixable. Other physical & mental conditions also can effect drive. Since he says he was active when younger, it sounds like something is wrong...now the question is what is it?<P>43 is too young to say "oh, its just age"!!!<P>If there are no physical factors, start taking a deep, close look at your relationship. <P>Hang in there!<P>Kathi

Lisanne,<P>Lots of good sense in your post. On all counts.<P>Incidentally, my wife wouldn't ever "waste time" at a site like this. (We bought some MB books at a retreat I signed us up for once, and I read them all. . .)<P>Taking care of oneself physically, as far as health & fitness. Hmmm.... there aren't many people who've let themselves go quite as badly. I've given up trying to get her to jog with me, or go to the gym.<P>Gosh, I sound like a classic case, huh?<P>Still, on the original point I had mentioned, "IF" I were going to have another chance, I would certainly want to talk about whether sex was an important thing to a prospective spouse.<P>. . . that's why I was wondering how someone could find such an extreme difference, so early on.<P>danger, danger, danger? Nope, not me. (didn't know if that was directed at me or not) Never made a mistake yet, never have been unfaithful once. But even so, even in that - I can see your point.<P>I appreciate the insightful inputs you had, thanks.<P>God bless!