Thanks Jo, good to see you back.

I haven't forgotten how you helped me through my plan B last Christmas. It really worked wonders. First of all for myself, and then as an added bonus, H's angry outbursts disappeared.
And the A with OW#1 ended! All that after 3 months in plan B. You really kept me in line with no contact.

My update:

March-June02
H seemed depressed, busy with his new business. 3 older kids living with him now.
Saw each other a lot, May -June practically lived together. Talked about buying a house together. H never sent no contact letter to OW#1, convinced it was over though. Found few calls and msgs on his mobile from OW#1.
Found out H had been out on a dinner date in early June. Also gone on singles group dinner in May. Never told me about these. Lied. He was clearly looking to meet someone new.

July02
H Started to distance. He hinted maybe we should have a break in seeing each other.
H moved into a different town, his former lease ran out. I was never invited to his new place, neither were our sons. In between houses, H had lots of his stuff stored at my place. FIL helped him to move it all out.
I suspected something's going on now.

August02
Saw H maybe a couple times early August. H was very nice and polite. Mid Aug MIL breaks the news. They had bumped into OW#2 at H's house in July while helping H move his stuff in. MIL told OW looked older than me, and like she had had a hard life.
I was devastated. Immeadiate plan B, no plan B letter . Emailed H, told still loved him, but OW#2 too much. Will file for D. Filed in my country of origin, declined, one of us has to be residing there before it can go through.
I felt so miserable, just wanted to go back home. Asked H if he would let me&sons go. He agreed. I couldn't believe it. Felt happy and sad same time. He adored his sons, and was willing to give up on them.
The hardest part was seeing H first time after finding out about OW#2. H told me she knows I wanted him back. Told OW#2 has been separated for 4 years, her H still wants her back!
She's got two kids(about 12&9yrs) H doesn't like the idea of being stepdad!
H says "you're a good woman", "Sorry , I don't feel the same way about you...","I am not coming back to you...OW's the one, I'm taking it slowly, I'm very interested to go back for more... "maybe we can have cup of coffee some time and discuss more..." I replied: "no thanks"In the middle of this his cellph. rang and I had to listen his sweet talk to OW. He also told me OW#1 had been harassing him with night time calls, begging and pleading for H to take her back. H had cursed Ratface (H's nickname for OW#1!) to an emotional misery for the rest of her life. Well, now OW#1 knows how nasty H can turn, when he wants to get rid of someone.

September02
H hardly saw the sons. I let him visit them at my place a couple of times. I know, not good for me but for the sons sake I tend to soften. Plan B went out the door, but I plan A him while he's around.
The second time H left, he gave me a hug at the door and thanked for a nice evening!(he had stayed for a dinner)
OW#2 not filling all his ENs? Trouble in paradise?

October02
MIL (the one who seems to deliver the news from hell, she's a priest, H's stepmum)
informed me OW#2 is lovely, intelligent, educated, ambitious...nothing like OW#1 and H is very keen on her. H had invited BIL and SIL for a meal with OW#2 and her kids (MIL has not talked to her apart from seeing her once)According to BIL/SIL she is lovely!!!
You can guess I was fuming mad. Told MIL(calmly) whatever, I still think it is an A and it is wrong. MIL agreed but she's so insensitive. I felt crushed. I had hardly got myself back on my feet after learning about the new OW, 6wks later she's already introduced to H's family.
Called H and told him I don't want to have anything to do with OW#2. Asked him why can't he sort the D . Answer: Silence.
OW still hasn't met my sons. I was told she had been a bit turned offish when she heard about H having 5 kids. BIL &SIL were unhappy H had not seen sons much at all.
Informed H I am moving out of the country in May03. H still agrees. He can visit sons 20 000km away.
End of month, H turned up to see OS who got chicken pox. His Ds turned up too and we have a lovely family evening . H seemed oddly interested in me again. Eyed me, complimented my looks. Asked about my social life, work (I didn't tell much at all).

November02

Nothing has changed. H looks like hell, has been smoking since July. Drinks more, has lost weight, is constantly suffering from colds etc. Looks pale, has troubles sleeping, business is struggling. In Sep complained about having chest pains. Is worried about looking older and wrinkled. Booms his stereos in the car. Complains how hard it is to look after kids and business (older kids will be living back with their mum in few weeks) Because of his busy life, there's no time to see our sons. H used to be so good dad.
All the classical MLC symptoms, and OW#2 hasn't made him any happier. To start with he should find happiness in within himself. He knows it, but just goes on being helpless.

And how am I doing? I am detaching, knowing even though how much I would like to help H, I just have to keep the distance. I have worked so hard on myself for the last year and have started to see results. Even MIL's self esteem crushing news won't flatten me. I won't let it happen. I feel proud of myself taking the high road, not messing around having As before D, being the best mum for the sons. They have only me now to depend on.
I have worked part time since Sep. I am sort of happy, of course there are days I feel down and sad of all what has happened.
I still have a feeling H will come knocking on my door one day. Don't know where I will be at that stage. Would I take him back anymore? I don't know.

Yeah, sure it's still Fogville. You are doing great Jo, take care.

PS. I'm a horse person too! Had 2 horses for few years, now Aussie stock saddle getting dusty in the garage!

Hi Bears,

So glad you posted back to me.

For one, I am livid with your extremely insensitive MIL. She can GET BENT as far as I'm concerned.

I just can't get over how when our spouses are in this affair mode that they have SO MANY SOUL MATES, and what a coincidence how they all happen to cross their path one after another. <major sarcasm>

I read your post to me twice, Bears. My personal take on it is you do need to stay in a near pristine Plan B. And I do think you should send another Plan B letter. But this one has to explain how you are very near the end of your rope in terms of his OW serial behavior and losing all love for him. I think I would emphasis how you still do love him, but are ready to move on if necessary. Remind him how you examined yourself for your part and have admitted to your short comings and your part in the marriage deterioration. That you have corrected that behavior and understand it's contribution in his unhappiness. Remember, it's primarily a love letter of sorts, so it needs to remain LB-less with no disrespectful judgments. When in doubt, use "I" statements.

You've done so good and withstood so much, Bears. It takes a lot of courage to hang in there during adultery and work on yourself at the same time. It's the brave thing to do, and it has it's rewards. You won't feel regret that you didn't do everything possible.

You do know you're meeting his needs to some degree, right? Have you figured out which ones they are? Those are the ones that these OW don't seem to be able to measure up, and not suprisingly. Maybe he admires you for your loving nature, or your (no pun intended) resilience. But whatever it is, he continues to seek you out for it.

And you're right, he certainly is a Mid-Life Crisis from all accounts. Poor man, he is experiencing a metamorphosis but he may end up losing his family if he doesn't stop being so selfish.

You sound strong, and resolved. I'm happy for you. I hope you start experiencing more joy as days pass. You deserve so much, Hon.

Love,
Jo

<small>[ November 24, 2002, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Jo, thanks for your reply and taking your time to read my update.
Very supportive words and good advice.

Case MIL- really, I don't have the energy to straighten her insensivities.
She's always had the tendency, anyway as long as I have known her.
I get a feeling she's almost, could I say happy?!! things don't work out with me and H.
Could be because H is not her biological mum, his mum died when he was a baby, MIL's insecurities still playing out even after 30+ years of marriage to FIL? Don't know. Her 3 children have perfect (or at least nearly perfect!) marriages, no Ds. MIL helps me to look after the boys sometimes, I'll avoid any conversation about H with her from now on. Had been doing it before the OW news, it just somehow slipped.

I am not so sure about the plan B idea. Do you think it would still be effective?
My plan is to leave the country in May, I have thought of leaving H a letter then. Doing it in a plan B style.

I am not filling any of H's needs now. I saw him last two weeks ago for 5 minutes when I picked up OS. For the last month that's all. Only heard that he's been having health problems, flu etc.

So do you think for these last 6 months I should be in a strict plan B? I would still like to plant a few more good images of myself in his mind before I leave.

I am having a down day today. Yesterday I felt he's going to come back, today I am sure there's no hope. YS pulled out some old photos and I had to put them away crying.
I'm in pain, not trying to box it away, I trust it's the only way for healing.

While I was writing my last message, H had tried to call me. Text msgd me and wanted me to answer the phone. Wanted to discuss OS.

I went offline and we had a talk about son. Went Ok, I tried to be short and polite.
Then he asked me how's work etc., talked a little more.
Shouldn't have... he went on: "You know since I have been seeing this OW#2, OW#1 has gone really psycho, she's harrassing me , sneaking out at the back of my work place and so on.."
Just said Yeah, I think she's possibly following me around too, I 've bumped into her in odd places (we live in a small town)
I started to get a bit wound up, and really, should have stopped there. H agreed ,yes he understands now what people were trying to warn him of. I said well, you only know how they behave when you dump them. H then "but how do you know you're going to dump them?"
I knew what he was hinting at here. Of course, there's no way he's going to dump OW#@2.
I LBd, said sure OW#1 is happy now you never went back to your wife, she was so afraid of it.
And then a bad one: You had 3 women at the same time, no wonder the upsets. H explains that he wasn't with OW#1 after February, and met OW#2 on the 22nd of June.
( I checked my diary, I slept with H 21st of June, had a bottle of wine and fire going, it was our last time, I am in pieces about this. He knew, the next day he was going out on singles dinner. He really went straight from my arms to a new R!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Yes and OW#1 had contacted OW#2 and caused major problems in "my new R" according to H.Sure it has done nothing else but strenghtened H's and OW#2 bond. I feel sick.

Jo, he's gone. He sounds so confident he has found the love of his life. He is indifferent with me. Is this the 5% chance of their A working into a lasting love?!!!!!They are now 5 months into their A.(H calls it R not an A!!!)
He doesn't give a hoot if his sons are on the other side of the world. "Just make sure your new guy will look after them" I am feeling so bad. By this stage I asked him to sort the D. And why can't he do it. I am not going to sign a thing. He says I have to, I don't know how it goes in this country. I understood after 2 years of separation it goes through with only one of the spouses signing. And he can pay for it. "you wanted it" told H. End of conversation. Still managed to make it short in the end and say bye.

I have lost him. This hurts so much. I realize, while things had been quiet and after that family get together, I got my hopes up. I shouldn't have, it was just handful of crumbs.
He's talking to me like to his exW#2 about kids visits etc. He just wants to be friends. When I started to get upset on the phone, I could hear him getting slightly irritated.
I can't do this anymore, this guy has been in fog for soon 2,5 years. Has come out few times, but seriously, he's gone nuts. What on earth do I still see in him? Why can't I just jump into a numbing indifference? Why do I care?

%&(*$!!!!&^&*(*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DogoneIT!!!

Bears,

I spent a long time responding to you and lost the bloody thing. Ughhhh!!! and GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

I'll re-type it.

Jo

Hi Jo,

Looking forward for your post, hope it goes thru without troubles.

I had an hours sleep last night. They just happen, I don't have any pills to knock myself unconcious!
I managed to get OS on the school bus in time, and then drove off to take YS to his daycare.
My workday had to be put off starting later in the afternoon, lucky I have very flexible hours .
I had planned to drive back home and get some rest.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I turned up at the daycare place, OW#1's car was parked in the front. Yes I was half asleep, but I wasn't having a nightmare.
I din't have any other choices but to take YS in, and there was OW with her son. Sort of a sick smile on her face, really trying to rub my face with it. I was very upset, but didn't show it, just did my busineess and she left before me. I am sure she's heard about YS attending the center, and she had to enrol her S there too. The S had been going to a different center for quite a while. One way or the other she has to be either on my or Hs face. H deserves her psycho behaviour, I don't. She's sick, seriously, all the screws loose in her head.(Wondered what was the rattle when she walked out the gate!!!!)

On the way back home I stopped at H's shop and talked about OW#1. I almost sympathized with H!!? Looks like we have something in common now, OW's pestering us. Anyway, H said he was sorry about all this, and was suprised it still upsets me so much (hello!wonder why?!!) I have felt sort of indifferent when I have seen her occasionally, but I don't need these childcare center meetings at all. I am not withdrawing YS from there, I'll just march in head high, and if she's there, she will be air in my eyes.
H kept telling again how OW#1 had turned up at his shop again. And she keeps calling him.
"You are winning here " H said to me. Well I feel I have been left with empty hands, in the 3 women scenario H is in again. Reminds me of July00 when H started an A with OW#1, was very angry at me, and got closer with his exW. Now it's an A with OW#2, very angry at OW#1, and getting friendly with me, with apologies etc.

I am tired of this soap opera, what a week.

Hi Bears,

You know better than this, Hon. Your H is not certain about any of his relationships, he's one very confused man. He sways towards the direction of the path of least resistence at any given moment. Whichever woman is giving him the least grief is his fav for that moment.

This is far from over IMHO. But what worries me is you have gone a couple steps backwards, thinking he's found the REAL SOULMATE this time.

Has he and his new OW spent time in reality yet ... NO. Have they had to deal with kids, laundry, house cleaning, bills, cars, money, work, etc., on a constant basis, day-in and day-out???? NO.

You are so strong, Bears. You know you are, and although this hurts so unbelievably, you can rise above it. You can gain back control of you, and decide to look at this from outside of it ... like I'm looking at it.

For your H, right now, all he wants is to FEEL good. He doesn't care where it comes from, just that he continues to feel and not have to put forth too much effort. All TAKER, no giver.

I'm sorry about the OW with her son at the daycare. YUCK! A constant reminder. But she has nothing on you. She wasn't even a "WAS" to call her a hasbeen. And as far as OW #2, well, I suggest you sit back and watch. Observe from the outside, knowing no matter what transpires, you continue to work on you. Everything you need comes from inside Bears. And I know you have it in you.

I think what has concerned you the most is when your H was involved with OW #1, you knew what a flake she was and you knew the days for that A were numbered. But now you think because this new OW seems to have her head on straight, and because your MIL told you she is ALL THAT, you're buying into it.

Bears ... she is an OW ... she is participating in the lies and deceit with a married man. She is no better than OW #1, she's just more polished at it.

I hope you still let your H know how much this hurts you regarding OW #2. Harley says not to be disrespectful to the WS (Plan A), but at the same time not to allow them to think you approve of the A, not to enable them ... and to communicate that it's painful and causes you emense emotional grief.

I want you to consider another Plan B letter, Okay?

And just so you know sweetie, I've been where you are .. I know how hard it is to get up in the morning, I've felt all I wanted to do is hide in bed and sleep my life away. And sometimes I still feel like that. It's just that if I allow myself to do that, I end up losing. No one else, just me. Just know I understand, you're not alone in this.

You have my prayers.

Love,
Jo

<small>[ November 27, 2002, 01:58 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Thanks Jo,

Yes I have to admit I have felt a bit brainwashed about H meeting his real soulmate.
You got me on the right track again.

H has the greatest ability to be so convincing. That's why the women fall for him too, they believe him, whatever comes out of his mouth. After knowing him nearly ten years, and especially after d-day 1, I have learned to regocnize when he's lying.
I'm good at this lying bit, but struggle with his convincing
.
One of my SIL's, who has moved to Europe, emailed me and said whatever is going on, the whole family is still supporting me, they don't approve what H has done. SIL says H hasn't kept in touch with her, and hasn't said a word about OW#2.
This is good. Just shows H does it same way, as he has done with every other woman. He won't talk to anyone who doesn't accept the A. MIL is not accepting it either, even with her insensitivities. FIL is 100% behind me. He's been talking to H several times about not giving up on his M. To no avail. He asked me after dday2 "And how long is this going to go on?"

H wants romance, so I doubt he would be rushing to move in with OW, especially with OW's kids. This makes the A go on forever, or maybe not forever, up to 2 years!!!
I like the way Orchid writes about smashing them together, they'll learn more about the bad breaths and smelly farts... and 7 kids leaving dirty socks all over the place.

I will consider plan B letter. At the moment, it somehow doesn't feel right. I'll give it some time, maybe May next year , when we leave the country, would be better time for it.
I am sort of floating in no plan now. It seems to change according to the situation.
H has noticed my improvements, the way he mentioned about me having to see OW#1, and how things had been going so good for me, and now this.
He clearly checks on me every so often (once a month)so, here I see the benefit of plan B working. He would have to wonder! But after May, it will be full blown plan B, there's no way he could know what goes in my life. I will see how strong I am emotionally having him around.
It's hard to eliminate LBs, when this has been going on for so long. No major LBs anymore, but still, some comments could be left without saying.

After this OWomen merry go round, I'll get back on track and focus on my own life. Worrying about OW is a total waste of time and energy.

Many thanks for your prayers Jo.
Take care.