I've been divorced over 2 months now, but the wife's been gone for over 6 months now, so I feel like my marriage ended then (6 mo). I've found a very sweet, beautiful, loving, kind, compasionate, cooperative, religious, passionate woman, that I feel is everything my XW was not. We've been dating almost 2 months now, and I couldn't ask for a better person to spend time with, but my heart will not let me feel the spark that I once had for my XW. What's wrong with me?

I don't feel this is a rebound b/c I truly like everything about this woman, and I'm not just seeing her to fill an empty space in my life. I still have my freedom, and there are very few demands in our relationship. It is a very low-intensity partnership, and she has been where I am now, and is giving me all the time, consideration, and space that I need.

I need some advice from people who have BTDT. Man, the reality of the first holiday w/o my XW is really getting to me, too. I keep thinking about last year when we were "happy" together. Bummer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nasakid:
<strong>Man, the reality of the first holiday w/o my XW is really getting to me, too. I keep thinking about last year when we were "happy" together. Bummer.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That she is giving you space and going slow is a good thing. Personally, with the above statement, I would question if you are ready. But that truly is a question that only you can answer. Have you been radically honest with yourself...

Best of Luck

Hey, nk! How ya doin' man? ...oh, you just told us!

"I don't feel this is a rebound b/c I truly like everything about this woman, and I'm not just seeing her to fill an empty space in my life."

Good for you! Because you need 2 fill that emptiness BEFORE you can have another intimate R with someone. Anyway, I believe that you know this, and this is why you feel the way you do. You're considerate!

"I still have my freedom, and there are very few demands in our relationship."

The best kinds of relationships. Even better would be NO demands, whatsoever. Remember, you each are still responsible for your own happiness, not each others'. So long as you remember that, your R will be enjoyable.

"It is a very low-intensity partnership, and she has been where I am now, and is giving me all the time, consideration, and space that I need."

I like this gal!

Anyway, good 2 hear from you again, nk!

I have been radically honest with myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-My XW is not coming back
-It is in my best interest to not ever take her back even if she tries
-I overlooked a lot of things in my XW, and have learned what to look for next time around
-I still love my XW and always will
-I know I'm not ready for anything serious and I have told the new woman that
-My heart is scarred and will take many more months to heal

That kind of stuff?

2long,

She's a really awesome lady. Her husband left her in a story almost identical to mine. Her's had a bit more drama to it tho. She knows what I've been thru and we both share a lot of common things. I couldn't ask for a better friend/companion right now.

Your post is almost identical to what I'm going through as well, time frame... everything... that's scary.

I wish I could give you some advice on this... but your hitting way too close to home for me on this one.

Just wantd to let you know that your not the only one going through this.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Wallace,

If you want to chat sometime online about our troubles, feel free to email me at nasakidd@aol.com with your username.

TTYL,

NK

nk,

I'll shoot you an email tomorrow.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

I think the reason you don't feel in love yet is pretty obvious:

YOU ARE MOVING TOO FREAKING FAST!!!!

Good lord! You were/are very in love with your wife. You don't get over that in just two months. And you don't try to embark on a new relationship until your heart is unencumbered by your past.

Date all you want. But please do not give this woman reason to hope (implicitly or explicitly)there is a future with you if you're still pining for someone else. Imgagine her pain if she thinks the two of you are creating cherished memories together when you're really mulling over cherished memories with someone else.

It's good that the relationship is low-intensity. But I question whether it is appropriate for you to be in any sort of "partnership" yet.

I don't know your story well, but whenever I hear of someone moving from one committed relationship quickly into another, I suspect that person has not yet learned to be alone. That's an important skill to acquire.

Hi NK,

I agree with Curious on this one, unlike Wallace his betrayl happened almost 3 years ago and he tried to hang on but his DV was recently, you would have to know his story to understand.

My concern would be also, did you have enough alone time, healing time, grieving time, improving what you're WW said about you?. My D-day was in Jan 2001, my DV was May 2002 and I still haven't recovered or feel I'm ready for a new relationship. I have christian female friends but we never dated or discussed my personal issues of what I like or anything pertaining to a relationship, our converations are about serving other people in small ways, reading the word, etc....There's no emotional tie, if there was I wouldn't grow and wouldn't never feel single again, I would always feel committed to somebody.

So my alone time is great I've become strong as an individual within myself been On my own now almost 2 years now after being together with exw 21 years..

Before my DV I was away from exw for about 1 year, it was rough but it was good since she had OM's....

I'm all for new relationships after DV ,but I'm seeing where you are right now emotionally is not where you'll be 1 year from now. Sure a person can pick you up when you're down, but will that work when you get restored? Will your eyes see other things differently as you grow? Your emotional needs will change. Its not having a female friend thats the issue but its the Dating, Romance, emotional love bank deposits, etc....that comes with it and so soon.

You say its low key but thats how all relationships start off if intentions aren't stated and layed out from the start...You may not become attached but she can? Then what?

I feel that she IS getting attached, and my defense mechanisms are kicking in. If I push her away too much, I'm afraid she'll get hurt, and it's probably too late b/c she is so attached anyway. I just need to talk to her and tell her I need more room.

I recommend you do two things:

1. Tell her you aren't ready for a relationship yet. You were wrong to let her think that you were, and for that you are very sorry.

2. Stop being in a relationship with her. This is more than just needing and getting more room. It's not being in a relationship. Not only do you see each other less, but you don't count on each other for things, you see other people, you don't know everything that's going on in each other's lives, etc.

I'm not sure just telling her you need more room will cut it. I really feel you need to learn how to be by yourself. Yes, you're going to hurt her a little when you break it off, but it's either hurt her now or hurt her later, because I don't see any way for this to end well.

And don't put any more women through this sort of thing until you're comfortable being by yourself.

I'm sorry to be so harsh. It's not intended as a slam. I'm being as blunt as I can in the attempt to get you to see the bad pattern you're setting here.

curious:

Great advice! I have worried about nk's tendency 2 get himself involved 2 soon... ...remember, nk, the girlfriend you were dating when you were still M'd/separated? That could happen all over again, you know.

NK,

I believe the question before the board was. Why can't I feel "in love" anymore?

And the correct answer IS????...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
-I still love my XW and always will
-I know I'm not ready for anything serious and I have told the new woman that
-My heart is scarred and will take many more months to heal </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't fall "in love" in any meaningful way with someone in 2 months, and surely not coming out of what you are. You can feel strongly attracted, but you are asking too much.

Time and Patience, NK. You surely can date her, but you must overcome those bullets you listed before you will feel "in love" with her. Be honest with her, but also be kind and enjoy her company. She sounds like a good woman, value that and don't worry about the "in love" just yet.

God Bless,

JL

Hi,

I dated a man who was not over his divorce..I was the first one he dated and everything went way too fast. He promised me the world and then broke my heart worse than any other guy I have ever dated..we dated a year and when he broke up with me I felt like I lost my best friend yet at the same time I was so relieved because as mentioned in an earlier post sometimes I felt like we weren't creating our own memories...that he was not over his divorce. That was a year ago, and even today he still talks about how he cares so much about me and while I am almost over it, it has taken a while. Please be careful with this woman. I think it is very honest of you to tell her that you want to take it slow, in retrospect that is what I should have done in this relationship I am talking about but I was naive. It really took a lot out of me. I thought you may want to hear from someone on the flipside. Good luck, I know you are going through a hard time but don't cause someone else pain in the process. Take care.

Here is another flip side. I have been told the same thing by my boyfriend except he has stated that he didn't expect to fall in love with me and it is really hard. I have fallin in love with him and although I asked him before we got involved if he was ready he after 6 months of being togeather he is having some emotional issue which I believe are related to his past. I have given him his space to do what he needs to do in hope that he will choose to at least give our relationship a chance. In the end if it doesn't work out, I will be devestated. I think this women is being as brave as I....but it still hurts. Be careful