It was just a distracted moment during commercials. I tend to 'get into' my shows, so when a break came, I drifted off a bit ...

and I looked around my house, this beautiful, big, clean house ... so very far from the foul smelling matted-carpet 14x70 trailer I lived in just two years ago, and there is no dogsh*t on the couch, there is no coffee stain on the ceiling, there is no hole in the wall from rats chewing their way in or fists punching their way out ... and I just cried ...

and my children have everything they need, they are sleeping quietly in their own rooms; there is good food and nice clothing, and I don't have to dig through a dumpster to find something salvageable to sell to make ends meet ...

and day after day goes by with no one yelling at me, no one calling me vile, hateful names, no one threatening me or my pets or my family, and it is just so quiet ... no screeching music, no blaring TV, there is nothing to drown out so that the neighbors can't hear ...

and I'm not working now but I'm in college, and averaging a 3.5 or better in all of my classes, and I have compliments from my classmates on my work; even from my teachers ... and I think of how far this is from being told I am stupid, ignorant, lazy, worthless, irresponsible, incompetent ...

and I cried some more because just two years ago I had no idea how horrible my life was ... it was just my life, what I was told I had brought upon myself, what I deserved for any and all wrongs I had committed, real or imagined ... and how hard it was to walk away from 'all I had' when in fact, I had nothing; less than nothing, I had no self-esteem, no dreams left, no pride; only fear of change.

I don't know what I did to deserve the many blessings bestowed on me and my family since I left that 14x70 prison cell. Sometimes I still don't feel like I deserve all I enjoy, and I have to try and remind myself that I am not the person Humperdinck tried to make me think I was. Sometimes I still question how a wonderful, kind, passionate man can love me completely, unconditionally, and deeply, flawed as I am. But my sweet Westley does.

~ Well, it's really just pouring out, isn't it, so I'm going to sign off now and go to bed before I really show that my heart is right out there on my sleeve ;} you didn't see a thing

Ex-Princess Buttercup,

What a wonderful post! I almost started crying. I don't know you but just read your links/stories, and yours definitely fits in the 'miracle story' category. I am SO happy for you, and feel privileged to have been allowed in on your teary moment. God has done great things in your life! and I'm sure your story will be an inspiration for so many others here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Reading of all you have been through and survived has really encouraged me. I have so much less to contend with than you did, and yet find myself so easily distressed; now I'll focus on what you have accomplished and take heart from that. Thanks so much for sharing.

By the way, your children are absolutely beautiful! You must be a very proud mom. Give them each a hug <<<<hug>>>> from me. And remember to enjoy every moment with them - they grow up so quick.

XPB, when I read your subject line, I thought something was terribly wrong, and i am very happy to see the opposite is true.
You've cried tears of thanks for all that you have.
You deserve it because you finally realized that you and the children where worth a change. You didn't do it before because denial is such a strong feeling.
God bless you and your family this thanksgiving.

I am so Happy for you!!!! I love happy endings,I loved your web sites too..you your man and your kido's look adorible,AND HAPPY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Happy Thanksgiving!!!

P.s I live in Mich too Grand rapids

Thanks guys.

I gotta tell ya, sometimes it feels like a dream. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> A good one, but nonetheless ... surreal.

You deserve all the good things in your life expb! You're my beacon of hope that I too can disentangle myself from a dysfunctional marriage... AND do better next time. So many times people in abusive situations land themselves with another dysfunctional person. So, please, allow me to give you a big hug, a pat on the back, and a great big hurray for all you've accomplished!

You DO deserve all of these good things. And I'm very happy for you. It tells me God does watch over us.

Your post has made me look around myself, and understand the trick is to want what you have. To realize the blessings that are in front of you. Thank you for sharing this, Ex-Princess BC.

Love,
Jo

<small>[ November 30, 2002, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>