I am the mother of 3 I run a business and a home. I have been with a live in partner for 4 years. The last year and a half I have had enormous stressors. These are big consuming things ie new custody battle with ex the illness/near death of close family, business issues and financial stress Along with this are the "normal" stressor of 3 active children, a home, job etc. I have felt very sad and worn out also am dealing with a lot of fear, My partner is angry with me telling me I am not meeting his needs, He states I have made it "crystal clear" to him how I feel about him and how little I value him. He will become very disgusted at things that seem small Such as Yesterday we took walk with dog and 7 year old. I was sort of between everyone for a large part of the walk trying to keep visual contact with 7 year old and not walk too far away from partner. He states I did not want to be with him and that it was a perfect opportunity to talk and I made it clear I had no desire to talk to him. I also went to bed early and that led to him slamming doors and leaving bed becasue again I gave message I did not value him. I am very tired and mindful of upcoming trial I am trying to stay functional and together. I perform all my duties and chores and financially provide for household. He is often angry at how I handle things with my situations and criticices my parenting and my actions with my ex and the custody situation. He tells me I make things worse etc etc. I ahve clearly stated my needs for support and understanding not critism. I have also repeatedly said to him I care about him and I have apologized for my apparent inability to satisfy his needs. I have reassured him I want to and am trying but am really at the end of my rope and just trying to hang on. this morning he said he used to love me but .... I don't know what to do I am begging him to go to counseling he is not interested. I keep thinking once the stressors subside and I am less distracted things should improve but now it sounds like he is not willing to wait for that to happen. Of course all of this makes me wonder excactly what is our relationship made of anyway. It feels like becasue I am not able to take care of him enough he wants nothing of me. That does not sound like love to me. I might add I have during the last year dealt with his chronic illness and 2 surgeries uncomplaininly. I don't know where to start or what to do. ANy ideas???

sadcat,<P>sounds like you really have your plate full. I understand why you feel so exhausted and I also understand why your partner feels that he is being neglected. Have you read any of the emotional needs concepts ffrom the main page of htis website? I would start there. It would be good for both of you to be able to understand what the other needs so that you can begin meeting the most important emotional needs. When that starts to happen you will see his attitude change and you will get the support that you are longing for. It definitly is work but well worth it in the long run.<P>cleo

Oh boy! Been there, done that. My husband lived with the kids and I for a year before we married. During that time and during our first year of marriage I was going to hell and back with the ex and it also included a custody battle. I too worked a full-time job and I'm extremely anal about keeping the house in perfect shape. Just the stress can be exhausting! The difference though is that he did stand by me and support me. Most of the time he had no advice to offer but he was great at listening to me vent my frustrations. I was also aware that he was a very affectionate person and I know that a large contributor to him not being happy in his first marriage was the fact that his first wife put the home, her exercising, kids and her job before him. So how we handled it (and still do) is that he helps me around the house with the work and the kids and our rule is to not be bothered after 9:00. That's "our" time and we focus just on each other. And, it really does get better as time goes on. But, you also made some good points about his love for you and his lack of support. Maybe he isn't the man for you. How is he with your kids?

to Cleo I have read EVERYTHING on the website I have printed and completed quizzes and gave him everything I printed I had decided to just focus on him and his needs and try that I guess we will see Thanks for your reply

to Bonnie Sept Thanks for reply He is good with kids when he feels like it other times he is completely disinvolved. My oldest is getting rather disgusted with him because of his ability to just disinvolve but the little ones are not. I suggested to him we make from 9 pm on our time but he has not responded yet!!

sadcat,<BR>It's good that you have done all of that. Is he willing to do any of this? If so, get a copy of Love Busters and His Needs/Her Needs and the workbook that goes with it. It will involve both of you together and really does work.<P>cleo