I have not posted in about 5 months or so. Maybe less. For those of you who remember myself and my H(mtnman_sierras) Yesterday was the day. I stood in front of a judge and got divorced.

The weird thing is this has been such a long journey. I hurt my H, he hurt me for revenge. Its gone on for 2 years or more.

I did give birth to our second son, named him Mark Blayke, he weighed 8lbs. 1 oz. and was 20 1/2" long Born on Sept. 8 @ 11:18pm.

He was dating this girl online from Texas. His only relationship with someone since our split. They have broke up 3 different times now. Mainly b/c everytime we saw each other we would be intimate and that's how Blayke was conceived. He was seeing her at the time. So she got mad to say the least.

I just gave up for awhile and said there is no fixing the wrongs I have done. I apologized til' I was blue in the face. And ya'll replied to that thread telling me not to apologize anymore to show him that I was sorry. So I tried that.

In march shortly after I told him I was pregnant, he and his gf had broke up, he decided he wanted to work things out. I wrote his parents an email about 4 weeks before he decided this. Trying to squash some problems I was having with them. They all took it the wrong way. So after all that has happened he was basing not working it out on an email. He says its not b/c his GF called and wanted to get back with him. But I think it was.

For about the last two weeks, we have been spending alot of time together....really all our time.

Sort of like a family again.....but.....when the phone rings I am reminded that it is not the same....if it someone that should not know that I am here....(thats everyone except my family) he tells me "SHHHHHHHH" like I am some little kid.

It hurts me when he does that. I told him it makes me feel like I am his dirty little secret.

He says he doesn't want to hurt her(ex-gf) anymore then he already has. I ask him if he stopped to think about how it made me feel. But it is obvious that he doesn't.

Then she sends him a message last night(offline on yahoo)....I was sitting there he let me read it....said that I guess I got what I wanted. She talks crap about me all the time. She doesn't even know what I want. She means that since I had his child that's why things won't work out. She said she wanted to have his children and yadi yadi yada.

I have told him you mess with fire you get burnt....I have learned that the hard way. You mess with a married man you will probably get hurt.

This two weeks we have been spending together is really confusing me. So I don't know what to do. I have ask him several times to come back here and read over everything again. I think he is in classic denial and in the fog....slowly he may come out of it....but he won't come back here and read it again.

Atleast to my knowledge he hasn't....what do I do?.....its complicating things hanging out and not actually talking about going to counseling....

any suggestions?......

I guess I feel like I needed to add a little more.....

H was the one that found MB, at first I didn't want to read it.

After asking for a S, I had a Rel. w/OM...thats when the fog began. I read MB, understood it....but just couldn't let OM go until I was ready....

It is so like a sick addiction...its like I couldn't live with out OM, so I thought, but you know what I really didn't love him, just thought I did...anyway there is a point to my rambling....

My H has gone thru exactly what I have, all the denial, the fog as we say. My family and friends ask why I have been so patient with some of things he has done and said.

Its b/c I knew where he was at....I told him that it would never work with H and OW. And so it hasn't 3 different times now. But I know that he is still attatched to her. Prolly thinks he is still in love with her. All the while I am in his comfort zone and deep down know that he prolly only has me around b/c of that fact.

He still talks to OW, she still calls here and leaves him messages, etc. I know until he cuts all contact with her that it will never trully be over between them.

Please tell me that I am not the only one that has been thru this. Its crazy!!!....

(he told a friend that called at 2 am last night on the phone, she ask him what he was doing for Turkey day, his reply "Yeah, I am going to her g-parents...chuckles....well I don't have anywhere else to go)

His parents don't know that we have spent anytime together. They are the ones that pushed for the DNA test...that was a waste of his 700 bucks....anyway...I am just rambling like before if anyone has any suggestions please help me....

or maybe I am beyond help...LOL:)

-M 4/99
-S 1/01
-R w/OM 3/01
-Filed D 1st time 6/01
-Got pregnant 12/01
-R w/OW 8/01 or so...
-They split 2/02, 7/02, 10/02
-D final 11/26/02...crappiest day of my life
-2 sons almost 3 and 2 1/2 months

No suggestions, just wanted you to know that there was someone reading.... All I can offer is ((((((((((((((((((I_WAS_THE_ONE)))))))))))))....

Do know that you and your family are in my prayers.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

(I_WAS_THE_ONE)
I would like to start by saying I am sorry about your Divorce. I sounds like you have been though H. Which is where I am now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> After asking for a S, I had a Rel. w/OM...thats when the fog began. I read MB, understood it....but just couldn't let OM go until I was ready.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is so like a sick addiction...its like I couldn't live with out OM,</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am new here, am S having an A with OM. My H knows about it. We have been S for 7 mos. How to you get to the "ready to let go part? I feel like I cant live w/o OM. He make me feel things my H hasn't for a Very long time.

I have posted most of my story under the "in recovery tab" by mistake..like I said I am new here. I am afraid that by the time I am "ready" to let go of OM, if I ever am it will be to late. At this point I want to be with OM, but am having twinges of missing my H.

Any advice...even if its tough love!
(I will be thinking about you =))

Hi,

The only advice I can give tonight is that I think it is impossible for God to bless any relationship based on adultry. Im not a religous man ....so I could be wrong. But I dont think I am.

I wish you well though.

Take care

Randy

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!! (on a better note)

Thankful the lord has blessed me with two healthy beautiful sons....

Anyway Thank you for the hug Bill....appreciate it.....

To D:

I came to the realization that the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. All the things that I thought bothered me about my H turned out not to be such a "BIG" thing. Lack of communication. I had to break all ties w/OM as MB tells you to do. I do mean all ties. Its hard. I have never used drugs but my best friend is a recoverinh addict and she says that its just like kicking that she thinks...its like you "THINK" you can't live without this person. Its not true, you can, and you will go on. Trust me. It won't last. My go on 2 years or whatever. But it never lasts. Because your whole relationship is built on something thats fake. I was lying to myself. Just to stubborn to admit it right then. Don't wait too long. If the OM is meant to be then you need to explain to him. I need time. I need to see if my marriage will work. I care for you but I can't devote myself to you until I know for sure. Try to work you marriage out. And if it doesn't work. Get divorced, give yourself time and then try to start your relationship with OM on something that isn't fake. B/c then you will know that you did everything you could have done to try to make it work. You don't want to resent yourself or OM. Anyway, that's how I felt and knew what I should have done and didn't. I hope that helps....if you anymore questions please feel free to email me at snowbunny21_tx@yahoo.com

As far as the last reply about God blessing a relationship made on adultry. I think that no of course GOD doesn't bless it. But I also think that if you ask for forgiveness that he will forgive you. God knows whats in your heart and whether you are truly sorry for things you have done. I think that our second son was conceived for a reason and maybe this is the reason. Maybe he is what it took to make each of us realize that we can't change the past that all we have is our future and we need to make it the best for our kids. If things keep going the way they are I think we will end up in counseling, and from there who knows.....

Love to all,
Happy Turkey Day!!!