I've never posted much, and not at all for several months. My story, as of July 2002, is here (if I added the link correctly):

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=34;t=006750

As you can see, several MB'ers were concerned that my wife might be having an affair. I am sure they were right. I suspected as much from the beginning (mid-March) and confirmed it to my satisfaction a month later.

I moved out in mid-August. The day I left I told my wife that I know about the affair, and asked her if pursuing the relationship was worth the pain she would cause our children, me, and even herself. When she didn't answer, I asked again. Her response: "You don't control me. I don't have to answer your questions." I said, "After 20 years, I feel that I am entitled to some kind of explanation." She said, "Well, you're not going to get one."

I've been seeing the kids a few times a week. I've hired an attorney who, predictably, wants to get things moving towards a divorce decree. I've been visiting my wife every now and then to work on our financial papers so that we can construct a list of assets for a property settlement...

In late September, I sent my wife an email message that said: "I want you to be happy, and maybe our present arrangement supports your happiness. But, as I begin working with [lawyer] to get things moving along, I can't help but wonder if you are certain that this is what you really want. Should I proceed in earnest? Should I take it slow? Should I put things on hold? Do you have any doubts at all? These are the kinds of questions that occur to me. I know this much: I am uncertain. I have doubts. In the end, though, your answers to these questions are the ones that count. Can you advise me?"

It took her almost a week to email her response: "I am uncertain about many things in my life right now, but the present course that I am on regarding our marriage is one that I'm not uncertain about. I do feel that it is the right thing for me. I know that this isn't the answer that you want and I am sorry."

I acknowledge her message this way: "Thanks for responding to my message. Of course I am sorry you feel the way you do, but I am glad that my course is now clear. With that, I believe we should proceed with the divorce without delay. You have told me over and over and over again that you want out of our marriage, and I really should stop asking you if you really mean it! I told you I would do my best to give you what you want, so let's get this thing done as quickly as possible. It's obvious that you moved on many months ago, and I need to move on too."

That was almost 2 months ago, at the beginning of October.

Since then, I have have been to the house a number of times, usually to pick up the kids or drop of child support checks. She is pleasant; seems glad to see me. Walks me to the door when I leave. Gives me an affectionate hug. A couple weeks ago I went over to help her with a problem and she made me dinner. When I have had to call her on the phone to make arrangements to pick up the kids, she seems happy to hear from me and engages me in a little small talk.

A few times she has expressed concern about me - whether I'm eating right, etc. She cries when she does this.

I don't know what to make of her behavior. Maybe she is enjoying her new life and treats me nicely because she feels good about things in general. If she is having second thoughts about the divorce, she is keeping mum. But she is not exactly expediting the process. She has all our financial records, they are now in decent shape, and it would be relatively easy to compile the information needed by the lawyers. But she makes no move.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I am really confused. I can't even decide if I should buy her a Christmas present.

I continue to see my IC and she believes I should "move on." I am not so sure. But the indecision is eating away at me, and the holiday season is bringing me down big time.

Who knows why they do this DH. My wife wanted a divorce so bad and so quickly that I couldn't believe it. I said that I would not fight her, but neither would I help it along. She said that she understood and would make it happen. Well it took several months for her to get anything started, but in the end, she finally got together a final agreement proposal.

I know that my marriage is over, and I don't know why it took her so long to get things going. I know that it wasn't because of second thoughts. But I am unsure why. All I know is that I will be glad when I don't have to deal with this any longer. I never wanted the divorce ans still think it is ridiculous, but I want to live like this even less.

My feeling for you is that you should look at your heart and see what it tells you. You may really want to reconcile, but what do you really think is going to happen? There is no right or wrong in this decision. There is only what we do. I realized, much like you, that what I wanted didn't matter. It was all up to her. But then, you know, I realized that my marriage should not be a choice. something to decide about. We both stood side by side in front of our families and God and vowed to be together, honor one another, forsake all others, until we died. I took those vows seriously and would work to make everything right. But she would not nor will. So, I believe that I deserve to be loved by someone in which they are wholely committed to me, not choosing between me and another. I deserve to have a wife that is committed to her family and devoted to her children above herself. My children deserve to have role models that portray the devotion, fidelity, love, and respect so that they have a chance to understand what that all means. I believe that this is where my wife was put at a disadvantage. She has never seen a whole relationship. She has no idea that there must be give and take and if things are not going well, then you change them, not run away. But her whole family has ran away from marriages. Some more than once. That is the modelling she has seen, thus that is how things should be.

I don't know what you should do, but I do know that the worst feeling is the limbo that you are now in. I felt much better when I realized that I deserved better and my children deserved better than what they were getting. As much as I want a whole family, those things will never come to fruition with my wife in the state she is in now. And I see no changes on the horizon. She is even angry that I go to counseling. I am unsure why, but you can hear it in her voice anytime she mentions it. I told her several times that I would pay for her to go to anyone she wanted because it could only help our boys. But she just doesn't think anything is wrong with her.

Oh well, look at your heart. I see several parallels between your life and mine. All we can do is our best. Hope and pray. don't give up, but don't allow yourself to be run into the ground by your own pain. Sometimes you have to just do things, even if you don't want to, for your own sake.

FC, thanks. I have followed your story and I am sorry that it hasn't turned out the way you (and I) would want. I guess your message is that I should not take my wife's behavior as a sign of ambivalence. That would mean moving on. Before I can move on psychologically, I think I would have to move on legally. So maybe I should get the financial records from my wife, give my attorney the information he needs, and proceed with the divorce. That would make two people happy (my attorney and IC). I have no reason to believe that it would not make my wife happy. And then my course would be clear.

Hi DH,

Sorry to see you go through this, I went through the same identical thing also...She was sometimes warm, most times sometimes cold, distant, odd activity, saying don't track me, we're not compatible, love you not in love with you, I'm not attracted to you any longer, we've changed,etc...

I remember she filed for DV about 11 months later during her affairs and paused for 3 more months after that when my sister asked her, are you sure this is what you want to do? so she waited 3 months, then proceeded, but I think it was at the pushing of OM. I remember in the middle of the 11 she said, well I was thinking about putting it all back together, I was like what did you say?

My exw had this vision of paradise after she was away from me, thinking I was all her problem, until reality start setting in after we were separated.

What happened in my case why she waited and paused is because I took the negative things she said that she didn't like about me that I became and I worked on me, that took all the arguement out why she wanted to leave or wanted a divorce..she saw change..That caused confusion with her even more...

I can't say what to do every case and person is different. As I look back, I think I waited too long in limbo by letting her call the shots, but I was waiting for a restoration. I should have been aware when it was time to give up in my case, it only wounded me more. If I had an attorney things would have gone better for me on my end but I fought not to be divorced and let her do all the filing and tried not to participate....but I end up having to participate in order to keep communication with my kids open, which has failed and keep my possessions.

I look back and see that an EA/PA is bad but it doesn't have to be the end of a marriage, yes its painful but might be worth trying to restore the relationship depending on the circumstances, being single again and divorced is not as fun as it may seem...It has it plus's and minus's. Just seek wisdom and timing...

Take Care

EC, thanks. It sounds like your WW gave you a lot more information than mine has. She has never admitted the affair, nor has she really ever blamed me for her problems - well, not directly anyway. She just said that she can't be married to me anymore. She did not say why. She has kept remarkably tight lips throughout this ordeal.

My WW knows that I would prefer to work things out and get our family back together. But she says she wants a divorce, so maybe my best approach is to go full steam ahead. If she has second thoughts, she knows I will listen. If she doesn't, then this phase of the ordeal will come to an end (sooner rather than later) and then the healing phase can begin.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and advise.

Bump

DH -

What concerns me is why you are not living in your house, but I'll get to that later.

You know your wife is confused - so, what do you do?

You have to make a decision here.

1) Move back in house and if she wants to move out - then let her - don't make it look like you are abandoning the kids or anything - and do a Plan A and cease all LBs. Give yourself a time frame at least 3 months - generally the Harley's say 6 months, and then go to Plan B, and then if no change get divorced.

or

2) Get divorced.

The outcome to 1) may be the same as 2) - but it also may lead to you reconciling and working out the marriage. However, there is only one option to number two.

If you have children, I can speak from experience, it will be HELL for them. No matter what you do to make it ok. It will be HELL. They will have to work through the emotions just as you have to. Expect counseling etc. You may want to read Mom's House Dad's House and some other co-parenting books.

I would try at least for the sake of the kids.

With that said, as is seen on this board, many spouses, even after Plan A and Plan B still remain confused and divorce is the only option. But as in many cases, at least the BS can say that they did all they could, and leave the marriage with a healthy conscience so to speak.

Being in limbo is tough. I know. So make the decision that is right for you and go for it one way or the other. And as always, protect yourself and your children financially, and emotionally.

And know that whatever visitation arrangement you have now with the kids will probably be what the court mandates in the future, so make sure that you are seeing your children as much as you can now, so that you aren't in trouble later on.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents. K