I've been separated from my H for 10 months now. We've been "married" almost 16 years, but I really don't feel married at all. I can only speculate on his issues, since he adamantly refuses to seek treatment for anything, not even an appointment to get some glasses that he desperately needs. From my own observations, however, I believe he suffers from depression, passive aggressive personality disorder, post traumatic stress from vietnam and abuse from his father, plus whatever garden variety ailments he might have, like prostate problems or diabetes. My counsellor convinced me last year that he is responsible for his own self care and the burden of carrying a lopsided load was draining me emotionally. I asked for separation a year+ ago and he moved out in January. So rather than dealing with an OW and an affair, my modified Plan B revolves around his stubborn refusal to change his dysfunctional behavior.

I knew I'd need time to recover for myself, so I separated with a "wait and see" attitude. Breathing new life into my own flagging spirit was the only item on my agenda (and a bankruptcy). I was making great progress until October. I'm on the flylady program and have been steadily finding more room for peace in my home as I declutter. Then I took a nosedive and have been scrambling for weeks.

There I was, separated 8 months at the time, fresh out of a bankruptcy, and no efforts from him in sight regarding reconciliation. I hesistate to say I've done a good plan A. I've done every thing possible to be pleasant, to demand nothing, to avoid angry outbursts. It's more accurate to say I've disengaged from him, but we're amicable now. Since July, we've had dinner a few times, and I have a journal recording the handful of kind words or gestures he showed toward me this year. The only mention of the future I've heard from him was just this week. He has a good possibility for improving his housing situation to a place that has heat and hot water.

He's been coming here to do laundry once a week. I was ok with it during our bankruptcy since I needed to know his whereabouts for the purpose of getting documents signed. Now it seems time for the next step. And that's where I get stuck. Ideally, I'd like a happy healthy marriage with this man. That's not on the menu. Reconciliation efforts aren't on the menu. If I wait for him to initiate divorce, I'll be waiting a long time. We have a new status quo now and he doesn't like status quo to change.

At first I thought my choices were indefinite separation or me taking initiative to file divorce papers. Then I thought about the Plan B letter. Short of filing divorce, I could take an intermediate step with a plan b letter of sorts, telling him it's time to do his laundry elsewhere and I desire no contact with him. I have no hope or even desire for a reconciliation at this point. So I can't think of what good a plan b letter would do, and I thought I'd ask y'all. Given my circumstances, what would be the reasons for doing a Plan B letter, if any?

I know my situation is sort of an oddball, but doesn't anyone have an opinion about a Plan B letter? I can't see any benefit to it, really, but I'm not sure what to make of the silence I've received in response to my thread.

At first I thought my choices were indefinite separation or me taking initiative to file divorce papers.
At this point, these look like your only choices.

Then I thought about the Plan B letter. Short of filing divorce, I could take an intermediate step with a plan b letter of sorts, telling him it's time to do his laundry elsewhere and I desire no contact with him. I have no hope or even desire for a reconciliation at this point.
If at this point you do NOT want reconciliation or even remotely would consider it, then a Plan B letter is not gonna do much. Besides, when you file for divorce, it may simply get him fired up.

A good/proper Plan B letter is a love letter stating you are open to reconciliation. You don't love him and under no circumstances would consider reconciliation.

my modified Plan B revolves around his stubborn refusal to change his dysfunctional behavior.
From what you explained in your post, your "modified Plan B" revolves around the fact that you want a divorce and you don't want him doing laundry at your house. You are not trying to get him to do anything with his "dysfunctional behavior" nor have you said you even tried.

The question is, if he agreed to it, is there any hope for your marriage with changes counseling, whatever? Or do you simply want to end it now?

Darn that escape key! I just obliterated my own post. Thanks for your reply Chris. I realize I haven't fully explained my situation in this post, nor have I participated here enough for people to know me well. Unfortunately, the place where I feel understood by others is verbalabuse.com. I saw my marriage and my H described in all of Patricia Evan's books on verbal abuse and controlling people.

I did try long and hard to get my H into counselling at the veteran center. He's convinced they're dangerous and evil people there. He refuses to go. I met with a counselor there twice to investigate his options for benefits. To receive disability for ptsd, counselling is a prerequisite. She said they get worse before they get better, and treatment 30 years after the fact is rarely effective. Prior to that, my marriage counselor explained that mental health treatment requires a willing participant. No consent equals no treatment.

In one sense, I'd love reconciliation. Yet, I'm dealing with a man whose ability to practice self care is so impaired that I saw him go 8 months without a haircut after I stopped doing it for him. My own self care was suffering and still is.

I consider any effort toward reconciliation to be firmly in his court. Nearly 11 months into separation, that effort is conspicuously absent. Maybe that's not the best attitude for me to have. I don't know. That's why I posted here. Folks here at MB are top notch in my book, and I appreciate the high moral values expressed here daily. At this point, I feel like reconciliation is "pie in the sky". It doesn't appear to be a reasonable hope or expectation on my part.

Hey LH,

Well, you know I haven't been around much myself (for myriad reasons)... and you and I have talked about everything under the sun BUT THIS, so here's my feeling about the whole darned thing - take what you can, okay?

My understanding of Plan B is to preserve what little love is left. If I am reading you right (and you correct me - I know you will <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) you are trying to do the righteous morally right thing by keeping your marriage together, but it is not for love. Not anymore.

Am I right?

If I am, then a Plan B letter seems kind of useless to me. I do think Plan B behavior sounds logical, in that he seems to take advantage of your good nature and Christian charity. I know in some ways he 'can't help it' do to his mental health issues - but - and I ask this seriously - ARE YOU NOT WORTH MORE? You know me well enough to know I do not ask this in judgement, but in a worried friend kind of way (haha - you know this is soooooooooo me). I care about you deeply, and I feel that your husband may need to hit rock bottom before he can get up (with lots of help that he won't seem to get).

So, my answer is skip the formal Plan B letter, but if you intend of severing the relationship it wouldn't hurt to write a letter anyway saying how you feel, but it won't be for the Plan B process, per se.

Whaddya think??

HUGS, and miss talking... write anytime!

Hey Lonesome,

As WH of EA's, internet chat, online sex, and PA (1x with 2 OW)...(yes, I'm a SA if you haven't gathered that by now!) I can assure you that a slap in the face Plan B letter "may" have awakened me (something I never received)...although we know the vision of hindsight! This much I know...if you don't establish firm boundaries via Plan B letter he will certainly continue his ways! We are the masters of our cake eating domain...deceit, lies after lies and then projection and excuses once caught red handed!

By no means I am faulting my W for not "issuing" formal PB, she is a classic non-confrontational enabler, as well as a very caring, loving, tender and kind soul! I simply took full advantage of HER! How cursed and evil my ways were.

Although my marriage is all but over with and will forever regret my actions, I will not stand condemned by them either! I have found "new" life through Christ Jesus and simultaneously leave behind yesterday and pursue the things before me.

I'm not sure of you or your husband's walk with the Lord but if there is any light in his heart whatsoever, I would encourage you to Plan B him formally...Given the fact you're asking the question I have to believe you see some "value" in construcing a letter! Go for it...it will establish boundaries for you and perhaps wake him up!!

God's Blessings!

In Christ <><

catch2222,

In your post you say,
Although my marriage is all but over with and will forever regret my actions

Yet in your sig line you say,
Fears over tomorrow and regrets over yesterday are twin thieves that rob us of the moment.

Thank you Sheryl good buddy. I poked around the website for a refresher on Plan B and the page I read didn't the mention the very good point you made. You're absolutely right; the purpose is to preserve what love is left. When I posted, I was more focused on no-contact. I think another motive I have is to try one more time to make my point of view heard. It's frustrating to me that he shouts me down and shuts me out when I broach a subject he finds unpleasant. I've written letters to him before. He refused to acknowledge them, let alone discuss them. He's not interested in my point of view. I thought I had learned to accept that. Guess that one needs some more work.

c2222, I appreciate your comments and would agree that a Plan B letter has value... if I were dealing with a rational man. People talk about the WS being in a fog, but it seems like most people here started out with a normal footing before they got lost. I truly believe I'm dealing with a personality disorder and refusal to seek counselling. Those are things outside my control. He was given a choice between his behavior and the marriage. He chose his behavior. I heard Dr Phil say the other day, "treat me with respect or don't treat me at all." That's pretty much where I'm at.

It seems time to file for divorce. I'm a married woman legally, but I don't have a marriage. When I started filling out divorce papers, I became deeply depressed and questioned whether I was doing the right thing. Now, I just feel stuck.