Hey all!
Long time of absence from the land of D. Here's a bit of an update.
The ex disappointed me the other day, after swearing to never see her BF again, ( the one she was seeing when we D'd, the one living with his GF + kids), I caught him visiting again. Not that it concerns me, just that I'm always the one who picks up pieces afterwards. Anyway, I decided not to anymore. This after she preferred to stay at home on the night of her son's prize-giving at school, because HE was coming to visit. When I dropped my youngest off after the ceremony, ( late at night), the slime's car was outside. Her excuse was that she had to watch the elder son's studying for exams the next day. But she frequently goes out and leaves them alone, even when he was writing exams the next day. The slime BF hasn't been around at ALL this past week, so it's obvious she has to compromise herself this way when he IS available. It makes me SICK. All this, and more.

I started seeing the other GF again, (the ex managed to come between us the last time ), and already the ex has started calling me more often, and having talks about our "friendship". She eventually told me that she prefers that we just speak about the kids (again) and leave it at that. That was 2 days ago. Today when I dropped the youngest off after karate, she invited me for coffee again. I declined, and left. Yesterday she found reasons to call me twice, & send me 3 messages. The times she called me, she wanted to start chatting. An excuse to talk to me. I've become very angry at the repeat of this kind of push & pull from her, and this has caused a bit of depression ( not the clinical kind, just feeling down). This has resulted in me not being as open with GF as normal, and in fact becoming a bit more than just irritated with her (GF). I don't want to be the cause of my GF getting unnecessarily hurt, but I also don't want to be alone, and I need to break free from the emotional bonds with the ex. I've now reached a stage where I'd sooner just move to another city, but then I wouldn't get to see the boys that often, and that would hurt them. Here's an example of how I get sucked into the ex's charms. After the conversation with her where she's trying to get me to "rekindle the friendship we had before we got married", she calls me to take her to work (she overslept). I hesitate, and tell myself, one last time, since I didn't tell her outright that I wanted no more "friendship". So I go. She does whta she's done before, (I'm such a sucker, I guess), she goes to have a shower only when I get there, and then parades naked in front of me. I suppose secretly I wished she would, and perhaps more. There you go, I said it. When I recognised this in myself, I have to wonder if I'm really serious about breaking with her, and starting a new life. I don't really want to believe that she would do this deliberately, just to keep me interested enough tp stay around, in case she needs a quick fix, or money, or emotional support.

She sent me a message saying that I was her only family ( her parents are both dead, only child, and not close to her step-family, and half-siblings), and when things were not right between us, it upsets her so much she can't function. After some consideration, here's a copy of the message I sent her:
"This feels too much like the last 2 years of our M: you living your own life with me in support. You have the best of both worlds, I have nothing. I deserve better , and to be happy. The divorce suited YOU- you were building a relationship with OM . The friendship is 1-sided. It's all about you. If OM means that much to you, let HIM be there for you. Good Luck."

I just wish I really meant it. But as you can see from the wording, it's still as if ther's a relationship between us. I pick up the same thing from HER when she talks about this "friendship" of ours, and how much it means to her. It sound EXACTLY as if she were talking about a real deep relationship, like we were lovers, or married, or partners. The wording is all the same.This really sucks. It's almost a year, and I'm still accepting this B$. My GF seems to have a handle on what's happening, though. After what happened the last time, she's been great about it, and maybe she can support me a bit, although I shouldn't really lat it on her.

Anyway, as I say, I'm really tired of it now, and totally pi$$ed at myself for allowing this to go on. I just have this feeling that soon she will even FAKE a break-up with her *$$H*L* BF, just to get me into her again. Forewarned is fore-armed, they say.

I just composed this, then went online and posted. I'll be back online in a day or two, then I'll read and post again.
Cheers
muzohead

Hey Muzo,

While I feel for you, I really think that you are definitely doing this to yourself. I think you see this as well. I understand that you still have feelings for her, but as you said, it is all one sided. You cannot function in a relationship like this. You will never progress past this manipulation with her in this way. You are looking for something from her, that she is not giving, and yet, gets close every once in a while, just enough to keep you wondering.

By keeping you on the hook like this she completely controls you. And I don't think you are being truthful to yourself. I know it seems like you are. You are saying all the right things. You are accepting the responsibility for your feelings and how she brings them out in you. You are accepting that you don't want to feel for her, but you do. You accept all of that. But do you accept the responsibility to yourself? Do you accept your responsibility to your Girlfriend. It is not fair nor right to keep her with you while you are so obviously entwined with your ex. You are using her only for what you can get from her, not for what you can give to her as well. You are giving yourself to your ex still.

My opinion is that you need to break all ties with one or the other. If you need to continue your pseudo-relationship with your wife then fine, go ahead. But leave your girlfriend alone. You are leading her on, because even as you said, if your wife would take you back, you would go. That means that you are not committed to your girlfriend and therefor in my opinion should not be with her. That is just my opinion, and obviously I don't know everything that is going on. But I can hear from your words the knowledge that you are getting NOTHING out of either relationship that you desire.

If your girlfriend was giving you what you wanted, then you wouldn't feel the need for your ex and vice versa. Maybe you should really step back from both of them, expecially your ex. She has you wrapped around her little finger. I think maybe you would be better off going total Plan B. not for anything other than because you need to break this hold she has on you. She doesn't love you. She doesn't want you, except as you said for your one sided support. That is not a relationship. That is a pet. "Fetch = Drive me to work" "Role over = Boyfriend not here for me." "Play dead = Walking in front of you naked."

Only you can leave the relationship.

I am here for you. Sometimes with a hammer, sometimes just with a lounge chair and a couple beers. I hope I can count on you for the same.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Formerly Confused:
My opinion is that you need to break all ties with one or the other. If you need to continue your pseudo-relationship with your wife then fine, go ahead. But leave your girlfriend alone. You are leading her on, because even as you said, if your wife would take you back, you would go. That means that you are not committed to your girlfriend and therefor in my opinion should not be with her. That is just my opinion, and obviously I don't know everything that is going on. But I can hear from your words the knowledge that you are getting NOTHING out of either relationship that you desire.

If your girlfriend was giving you what you wanted, then you wouldn't feel the need for your ex and vice versa. Maybe you should really step back from both of them, expecially your ex. She has you wrapped around her little finger. I think maybe you would be better off going total Plan B. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm with FC on this, Muzo. It's so unfair to your GF. She is your "Fall-back" plan if you and your Ex never get back together. How would you feel if someone treated you in that fashion, even though I know its not intentional, Muzo.

Your Ex is in Taker mode, and she knows your buttons all too well. You need to completely detach from her. IMHO, she's not good for you, or doesn't have your best interest at heart. If she did, don't you think you'd see her reciprocate your kindnesses and treat you better? I'm sorry if my words are brutal, I'm just a bit irritated at your Ex for taking advantage of a good person.

You can start all over here. Stop dating, and start getting to know yourself as a single person. Let your Ex fend for herself, she wanted a divorce, now stop meeting those needs that a married person meets. THAT'S WHAT DIVORCE IS .... NON-need meeting, no?

I'd suggest no dating until you feel completely free from co-dependent feelings for your Ex. Until then it's not fair to anyone else, because you will always be holding a spot open for your Ex to return, and end up hurting someone terribly.

Best of luck, and blessings.
Jo

<small>[ November 30, 2002, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Written by Resilient:
I'd suggest no dating until you feel completely free from co-dependent feelings for your Ex. Until then it's not fair to anyone else, because you will always be holding a spot open for your Ex to return, and end up hurting someone terribly.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is so scarey. After re-reading the above, I just realized myself why I am not open to dating yet.

Just so you know, Muzo. I am taking my own advice, and I know it's not easy. Being lonely sucks, but it's better in the long run for that potential someone that I'll one day be sharing the rest of my life with.

Lv,
Jo

Hi Muzo! Good to hear from you! I heartily agree with every single Poster on your Thread - she is USING USING USING you and PUSHING all the RIGHT buttons to get the result SHE wants.
My advice:
Change your email address and/or BLOCK her. Same for Instant Messenger. When she calls, if it has nothing to do with your children, tell her you don't have time for her and tell her: "Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT call me ever again unless it regards our kids! Your boyfriend is there for you. It is now HIS responsibility to take care of you - since YOU kicked me off to the curb for him - that told me LOUD and CLEAR that you do NOT want me. Go back to him and leave me the He*l alone, Thank You!!!" That is when you hang up. After a few times of this, she'll get the message. She does not want you, butt (oopsie that big butt again hehe) she does NOT want ANYONE ELSE having you either. When you get it, you get it (sorry Subaru, I had to plagarize this). Muzo you gotta stand up for yourself and be strong!
Peace, and may God be with you and your new Love.
Harold

Muzzo, I wish you all the strength. I agree with everyone else that you don't need to string this girlfriend along. I know it hurts to be so lonely..I am going through it too...and, I know you want someone there to validate that you're worth something, since your wife so callously through you away for someone else; someone to make you feel attractive, and someone to touch you and hold you so you don't have to face the feelings that none of us want to face.

So, would you REALLY take your wife back? (Knowing that she is not resricted by those "silly" morals and committments that she vowed to keep.) A part of you (for me, it's most of me) says "H*LL no! I was crazy for putting up with as much as I did in the first place. I was her/his doormat." But I'm sure that other part of you that you spoke about that does is speaking a great deal out of loneliness...not neccesarily just for her, but for what you knew..your life as it was, or more so, as you wanted it to be. Unfortunatly, Muzzo... she's not the right person. She is a master manipulator, and don't fool yourself into thinking anything else.
Your kids will come to understand why you two did not stay together, and they will see that you did not tolerate her behaivor and just turn a blind eye. And they will respect you for that. If you stayed with her, you'd be sending a message to your children, loud and clear, that marriage is not sacred-just a bunch of silly words, and that infidelity, lying, cheating, and betrayal are all standard actions in a commited loving relationship.
Good Luck, everyone...where ever you all are on your journeys

<small>[ December 02, 2002, 03:35 PM: Message edited by: Epiph0ny ]</small>

I am in agreement w/formerly confused. Maybe a plan b is in order and you need to choose. Between a foggy sorta relationship with your xw. Deucey, my stbx, I guarantee, will be trying to get a date with me in a few months. But will do just as your xw is doing so I am not worrying about it. Just be like Lorena Bobbitt and "CUT IT OFF"...contact that is. She is an emotional vampiress feeding on your old feelings for her. Holidays can make us nostalgic. But nostalgia is for old cars, better times, not for exes who made our life a living hell. That is what I keep telling myself when I remember when I bought an old ornament or christmas thing. It is just a thing. IF I were important to him, he'd be here with us now. Worked through any problems that were really there in the first place. He created the problems with cheating. Then came the bad fighting that comes when you discover something awful like that. So reality stinks. But they are the ones that carry the stench with them. Whenever I have that old feeling or feel hurt, I remember seeing the video clip that the pi took of him and ow no. 1 walking out of a candlit restaurant holding hands and laughing with each other doing as we used to. That is my memory and when I see that I want no more of this ever.

You need a firm plan B. You only need to discuss kids and that is it. IF she ever discusses anything else, hang up. Or tell her to email or vmail you about it. She will get the message. And unless one day she is totally serious about working things out and is totally committed to all the conditions of recovery, I'd completely erase her from your life. That is so much healthier for you and your kids. She is so manipulative.

Geez. Makes me wonder what Deucey will do when he finds out I begin dating. I wonder if he will regret his statement about me needing to go out and get f'd will be words he will eat. I am gonna bet yes. A big yes.

To heck with them and merry christmas to us. Love has to be tough. Open your heart to gf. She did give you a second chance remember? Your x didn't. Are you doing MB principles with her? Building a relationship on a good foundation with her? Focus on that and let us know. We all need to know how to do the new relationship thing and want to see your success here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

muzo, I've been there with my STBXH. He strung me along, coming over for sex, even going to MC with me, for a year and a half until I finally gave him an ultimatum and that was the end of it. I haven't had any contact with my STBXH for about 7 months. It's been hard, but easier than being played like a yo-yo. I finally changed phone #, cell #, e-mail address, everything after one too many nasty messages.

I've also been dating someone for about four months, yet still grieving for my ex. New BF was aware of the situation before getting involved and is as willing to help as your new GF. Unfortunately, we're treating them almost like WS's treated us - using them as a fall-back person. I'm counting on time to heal the wounds, but still have to make a decision about the BF. I try to take it one day at a time since my feelings are still all over the map regarding both WH and BF.

I'm nervous posting this because my D is not yet final and therefore my current relationship will be considered an A by many. My H moved out and in with OW two years ago. This is no excuse and I'm not really emotionally ready for a new relationship. It has been healing in many ways, even if it's ultimately not a lasting relationship.