My husband moved out 9 months ago. It was a complete shock to me. I have since found out he is an alcoholic. He hid it extrememly well! I NEVER saw him drunk or with a beer can in his hand. I did know that he was buying more and more, but he would get furious if I said anything about it. It is almost unbelievable. Anyway, I caught him accidentally with another woman planning on spending the night in his apartment after he told our daughter that came home from college he was going out of town for the weekend. The next week he admitted himself to an Alcohol Rehab Center 10 hours away from home at an enormous financial burden. He will be there for 90 days (60 more) When he left we were talking again. I sent him a card of encouragement every day telling him I loved him and that he could do it. He called me twice a day for 20 days. I really was encourage that we could heal our marriage. Then my daughter found his buddy list on his computer and contacted some of the names and found out they were women and that he had emailed them from Kinko's when he made a trip off campus! He swore to me he did not email anyone when I asked him about it. One of the women happens to be a teacher that I kind of know so I called her and asked her what the deal was and she told me the story. I told him and he blew his stack. I also got a tip from his former secretary that he didn't really have a consulting job designing firetrucks out of town on the weekends occasionally, so I called the company and the representative for our area and both said he had not done any work for them. He was furious that I had called. Said he couldn't believe I was calling everybody I could think of trying to embarress him. He still says he did work for that company and would I like the president of the company to call me. I said I would like that very much. Then there is the woman from Texas that he has shared intimate details of every part of life with. He denys knowing her. He told me someone had stolen his password 5 times and that he didn't have a buddy list and didn't know any of the people on there. His counselor knows he is a chronic lier. We had a 3-way telephone session last Friday and I found out he had divorce papers with him!! She told him to sign them and send them to the lawyers office that day so they could be processed! I called her and asked if it was true that she pressed him to make a decission about our marriage and she said she pressed him to decide where he was in the relationship. This was after she told me how sick he was. I asked her to please tell me again about the papers because I couldn't remember it straight. She told me that he had made it very clear on the phone that our marriage was over. I didn't get that clearly, obviously. I don't know what to do. I called and asked him not to have the papers served to me at school while I am teaching. He said he wouldn't. He asked if I wanted to go by the lawyers' office and pick up a copy to look at. I did. The date was left blank for some day in Dec. 2002! This was last week in November. I don't know what is going on. I can't talk to anyone. The counselor has told us we can't call one another unless we go through her. I would think that he is not well enough emotionally to make this kind of life altering decision. They even have a family progam/spouse I could attend. She said she hadn't completely ruled that out yet. Why would I go after being served divorce papers? I told her she was only hearing his side. She said she had listened enough to me in the phone conversation to know that our marraige had been unhealthy for a long time. I guess so if he was a closet alcoholic! She said I had admitted he had not been the same since his father died 4 years ago. I said yes, but I didn't think that was a reason to throw away 28 years of marriage. Then she told me the problem was my anger and resentment! I could tell I was getting nowhere with this woman, so I thanked her and hung up. I don't know what to do. My husband was even expecting me to use his lawyer! I think he is having to face the truth about the lies he has told me and he is not able to do that yet and he is trying to get out of facing me by divorcing me. He has also been spent $57,000 over the last 3 years that I thought he had put into our savings. Instead he opened up a personal checking account and spent every dime. Now he has withdrawn $20,000 and with have to draw out more from our DROP money to pay for this recovery program. I am sick. I have an appointment with a lawyer Monday. I don't want a divorce. I truely believe he is sick. I know that he wouldn't do these things if he were not. How can I stop this craziness? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hello thiscantbehappening,

Unfortunately it is. I too have an alcoholic spouse as do several others on this board. This is a great place to pour your heart out, to vent, and to learn. I am sorry for the reason that you are posting on here, but there's not a better place. The Lord was watching over you when He directed you here.

So many things hit me as I read your post. Hopefully I can sort them out so they make sense to you.

First, go to alanon if you haven't already. Find a good group where there is some long term members who are SOLUTION oriented. do it for YOU, not for the alcoholic at all. It took me 17 years to grasp that and I could have saved myself a LOT of heart ache if I had worked on me.

Protect yourself legally. I know it is hard when you are so emotionally raw, but if he has already filed, you need good leagal advice espcially if you have kids. (I just reread your post & see you have an appointment on Monday, that's good)

My WH has done a lot of the things you mention in your post, withdrawing money, listening to others, getting mad when I catch him being dishonest in whatever form.

The couselor is totally out of line in my opinion. Alcolholics are normally told not to make any major changes until 1 year. Sobriety changes people and there is NO WAY that your WH knows who or what he is right now. There are also a number of examples on this board, where couples did get back together even after DV has been filed and or finalized. I would talk to who ever is in charge of the rehab and in a nice way question what this counselor is telling you and your WH.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want a divorce. I truely believe he is sick. I know that he wouldn't do these things if he were not. How can I stop this craziness?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are right, he is sick. Alcoholism is a disease. In alanon they talk about the three C's -You didn't cause it, You can't control it, and You can't cure it. Which translates that unles he is willing to do what it takes to get and stay sober, to get a sponsor and work the steps, then you can not make him do so. His craziness may or may not continue but yours does not have to.

There is a wonderful Christian based residential program near me & the quality of sobriety comming out of there is wonderful. If you are interested in finding out more just let me know.

Here's a cyber hug (((((((((((((((((thiscan't be happening))))))))))))))

God Bless,

D.

Yes, I would like to know more. Right now he is at Talbott Recovery Center in Atlanta, GA. He is following the 12 step AA program. I was thinking about asking my attorney if he might be able to contact them for information, but that would make my husband furious. I also have an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 5th. I thought maybe he might be willing to try to find out what is going on over there. I just know that every time he finds out I have called anyone, he gets so mad and it seems I have pushed him farther away. I can not tell you what a different person he is now. For 25 years he was the kindest, most layed back guy you ever would want to meet. Now, I don’t know who he is, but I’m responsible. I am just so concerned about the direction the counselor seems to taking him. I wonder if he will ever return to the person I married? Thanks for your help.

TCBH,

Darn, I had a reply almost done and I lost it. Well here it goes again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes, I would like to know more </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will send you info on the residential place if you will email me at the address below. Many times treatment centers provide a daily reprieve but many times not long term sobriety.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> was thinking about asking my attorney if he might be able to contact them for information, but that would make my husband furious </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It would be better in my opinion for you to call someone higher up than the counselor. He's going to get mad right now, cuz he's not getting away with things anymore. His guilt, shame and fear are speaking.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am just so concerned about the direction the counselor seems to taking him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can understand your concern with the counselor. I am also surprised that they don't want you to come to the family program. Very surprised.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> For 25 years he was the kindest, most layed back guy you ever would want to meet. Now, I don’t know who he is, but I’m responsible.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's such a broken record, alcoholic acts out, have problems, but doesn't see their part and blames others (usually those closest to them)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I wonder if he will ever return to the person I married?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God Willing, he will. I have seen many miracles in AA. And I have seen a lot come in and go out just as easily.

I know it is a horrible thing to go thru. This disease is as debilitating as any cancer, just in a different way.

We have a prayer group here on this board - every Wed we fast and pray. If you are interested, just look for the latest post by Cajunky.

God Bless,

D.

Hi tcbh! Unfortunately, I know your story all too well because I lived somewhat similar. My FWH has been sober 68 days, today. He started with an inpatient detox center for 10 days. The whole time he was there, he was talking to OW in England (we live in Texas). I found out about it his 7th day there. Priot to that, we had had a counseling session with a woman counselor there. Without even knowing me and having spent only 5 minutes in the session with us, she told me that my family of origin was dysfunctional and I needed counseling to resolve issues from my childhood. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> The amusing part of this is that I come from a family that is chock full of unconditional love...as near to Leave it To Beaver/Ozzie and Harriet land as you can get. When I found out FWH was talking to OW, we had another counseling session with the head of the counseling program - VERY different story. Out of respect for FWH, I will not post all the details here (and because it would just take too long! BUT, you can check my previous posts on GQII). After 10 days inpatient, onto 30 days outpatient program (4 hours a day 4 days a week) that included a family group session every Saturday (I could not go because we have a young son). A week into the outpatient program, I again found out FWH was in touch with OW. WWIII! He tells me now that he has had NC since then......

Anyway, first things first - I would talk to the head of the counseling program at the hospital because it sounds as though she is basing her judgments on what your H is telling her - how could she derive her "assessment" of you out of a phone conversation? A good counselor should be able to see past your H's lies.....and not blame the situation on you. Secondly, my IC said something that may be of assistance to you in figuring out where your H is right now - for the first 90 days, recovering alcoholics are dry, they are not sober. Sober thinking does not even begin to start until they are honestly and truthfully working the steps. If your H works the steps, by they time he is into the 4th step, you should see things start to change....

I will also tell you that these 68 days have been a true challenge for me, as well. FWH is gone every night - 2 meetings S,M,T,W, and T and 3 on F&S. Also, he goes out for coffee or something to eat with folks from the group - it is very lonely....

Okay, enough of my ramblings - I wish you the best. Keep us posted as to the road you take.

Brit's Brat/BS-41
FWH-43
DS-13 months
Status: One Day At a Time

Hi TCBH,

I don't post much anymore, but I do lurk quite a bit. I had to respond to your post because my H was at Talbotts in Atlanta for 3 months early in this year. So I have some experience with their program. I was able to attend 2 of their family weeks, but not until my H had been there for a month. They would not let me attend before this time because the patients there need that time to stabilize and detox off of whatever they have been on. If I can help you with any questions about Talbotts, I'll be glad to. Its a highly respected program with a high rate of successful treatment. My H has now been clean and sober for almost 1 year and he had been in treatment previously, but not in a place like Talbotts. Hang in there and do not make any life-altering decisions any time soon. There is no way to be able to think clearly during such a stressful time. Also, who is your counselor? I met several of them while I visited and had phone sessions as well. Take care, C

Firefly,
His counselor is Marcia Williams. He is there for alcohoism - beer only. He entered the hospital part on Oct. 30 and went to the apartment on November 1. He thought he would be there for 8 weeks, but then it was changed to 12 weeks. Do you happen to know who the head of the counseling department is? This woman told me she knows he is a chronic lier. When she called to set up the telephone conference she said there were too many descrepencies in our stories and she wanted to talk to both of us at the same time. Then when I called her back, she said she had wanted to talk to both of us to see if a family session was needed. She also told me we were not to call one another unless it was through her. When I called to tell her I needed access to my husbands office for the financial records, she asked how she could help me with that@!!!!!!!!!!! I said, "You told me I couldn't call him except through you!" So she said she would post a message on the board for him to call me. I just don't have a good feeling about this situation. I don't think he would have mailed the divorce papers without her pushing him to do so. I am guilty of a lot of things, but in this case, getting rid of me is not going to make him happy. I know the big problem. His treatment plan mentioned it briefly, so apparently they didn't pick up on the importance of it. Nobody that we have gone to seems to listen to me. He is so smooth and convincing and I am so devastated and emotional I guess it's easy for him to make them think I'm the nutty one. I don't know. I just know I am at the end of my rope. One minute I want to see him so badly and just beg him to come home. The next I am so angry and confused I want to go for blood at the attorney's office this morning. Anything you could tell me would be appreciated more than you could possible know.

TCBH,

If you like, email me and we can talk about this a bit more privately. I will give you any info that I can. As far as her pushing him to send the divorce papaers, I don't believe that would be true. They really emphasize not making those kind of life-altering decisions while in treatment. Also, they are very accustomed to dealing with chronic liars, all addicts are chronic liars, that is part of the nature of the disease. So don't worry, she is going to be skeptical of anything he says. Thats why she wanted to talk to you as well. She was our counselor too and while she was okay, I believe that the other counselor whose name is Beverly is better. At least that was my impression in my dealings with them. They will send you a series of questions to fill out and send back. There you can emphasize whatever it is that you feel is important that they did not catch. Also, call Marcia and really emphasise it to her. Things move slowly, as they have to consult with the psychiatrist and his treatment team when deciding what to do, but they do listen. Just be patient and stay calm, they will be more likely to hear you that way. I know its hard, especially having to keep businesses afloat during this time. I had to do that too and it was just more stress on an already bad situation. Email me if you want, I check my email daily and will respond as soon as I can.

cckolyer1@aol.com

Take care, C

{{{thiscan'tbehappening}}}
I, too, was married to an alcoholic - check my signature line. Your story was familiar to me, because I believe my H was also carrying on with a number of different women during our relationship.

Brit's Brat describes well what life is like in early sobriety. My H was horribly hostile to me during treatment (12 yrs ago), but his counselors wouldn't let him get away with it. They encouraged me to attend the family program, which was hard for me because the facility was 3 hours away, but I did my best to get there once a week.

The best advice you've gotten so far is from WillGetThruTHis: GO TO AL-ANON, Run, don't walk! Last time around with my H's alcoholism, and in his case drug addiction as well, our relationship recovered for almost another 10 years. This time, he's still drinking and using with an OW who drinks and uses along with him.

I stopped going to Al-Anon after my H got sober - BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE! Now I go for me. Maybe if I hadn't stopped going then, it might have saved my marriage. It certainly would've had a better chance than with both of us sick.

The reality is that whether or not his counselor is right about you, you are sick - I don't say this from reading your posts but because you were in an alcoholic relationship for so long and no one emerges from that unscathed. Take care of yourself, look at your part in the relationship. Do this for yourself. This is the MB philosophy also.

Just as you will find a great deal of support here for your feelings about your marriage coming apart, and support for healing yourself, coping with the pain of infidelity, and if possible, recovering your marriage, you will find an equal amount of support in Al-Anon for healing yourself, and if possible, your marriage as well. I'm surprised his counselor didn't encourage you to go to Al-Anon.