Well Hello to All,
I see some familiar names....it has been over a year since I posted at MB. Well a quick update...My H moved out last October and was with OW immediately....I filed for Divorce in Decemeber of last year ....still not divorced...not sure when it will be final. H has since moved in with other woman...as of August of this year...they have a new house, two new vehicles...all the latest toys....Our children...we have three sons....oldest one (15 1/2) will have very little to do with H....other two sons....soon to be 11 and 3 visit him every other weekend at his and OW home....he still hates the sight of me....says I ran him off...neglected him...the same old story....that he is happy with OW and living the good life...so...I guess I will be single sometime in the next few months and am wondering how all will work out....back to your question ....did he leave because of OW....yes, I believe that....I believe that no one leaves until there is someone else waiting in the wings....yes, if she hadnt been available for him...we may have been able to work out our problems.....I do think it is much easier for the WS to leave rather than face the difficult task of saving the marriage.....working through the pain is difficult and so many of them opt out to just make a fresh start with thier new found loves.....it's so sad to see them throw away everything.....not even realizing it.....and yes, it hurts so verry much.....so.....after a years absence from the sight....I am back looking for support now that I feel there will not be a second chance for us.....At this point, I dont have it in me to continue to hope......It still amazes me that parents can just walk away from their families.....anyway.....I am trying to heal myself, realize that I need to be whole before I can be involved with someone else and just see what God has instore for me.....really not looking back at this point.

Is there anyone out there who can offer some advice to a BS who knows that H doesnt want to stop divorce...is moving on with OW and has to face the reality. I really feel in my heart it is over and quite frankly am so sick of him and her......thier fairy tale relationship and know he would never come home......if not with her...I feel he would find someone else....he truly doesnt want me and I am grieving that lose and trying to get serious about moving on....healing and only looking forward...anyone else outthere like me......ready to move on......

There is really no advice that is ubiquitous in all situations. I have felt the hatred and then the love in the same afternoon. I have found that I desire to be with her, and can't stand the sight of her within the space that it takes me to pick up my boys. I wish that there was advice that would make things at least progress if not maek them better. I think the only advice that is close to useful is that with each day, the pain and the connection will become less and less.

I will talk about my divorce some, not to hijack the post but to let you know what I am doing to deal with situations. Perhaps some parallels might be useeful for you in dealing with your husband.

I have realized that no matter what happens, she doesn't want our marriage any longer. She is not strong enough to work on a marriage. She is barely strong enough to run from it. She required several other men in order to work up enough 'reason' to leave. Then she blamed it all on me. And as Gnome de Plume states in another post, each blaming period is crazier and crazier and with each blame, I find that I am less and less of the cause of our divorce. She doesn't blame me for real things, she blames me for things that she wants me to have done, so that she could somehow justifiy her actions. I am responsible for so many of HER actions, that I am surprised that she thinks she was in her body at all.

Advice from me is to not put off nor hide from the feelings of anger and pain. I jumped into them with both feet when I could and really looked at what I was like and how I could make this all work as well as possible for me. I realized that I am a good man, despite what my ex thinks, and I don't think she really thinks I am bad, but just doesn't know how she can live with the person who causes all of her problems. I am afraid that she will be surprised when she finds that the next guy, then the next guy, and so on put up with less and less.

We had history, love and a family that held us together.We had more reasons to stay together than anyone has ever had. Her future men will have to deal not only with her, but with her children and the fact that her ex is very well off and they may not be. He will have to deal with a woman that has committed repeated adultery and in my opinion not dealt with it. She lies to everyone, and no one but me knows the truth, and I don't think even I know everything nor everyone. He will have to deal with all of this, plus his own history. I fear for my children in some ways. I am just glad that I am thinking clearly and will be watching for anything that appears to be harmful. I will have the means to take immediate action should that be required.

So what I am trying to say is that while I don't gain solace in the fact that I believe she will have difficulty in her future and will continue blaming me, I have a purpose in my life that has allowed me to continue to grow. That purpose is to be twice the parent that I once was to make up for the lack of parenting my boys will be getting. If I had no other reason to continue and grow, that would be enough. If I never thought about my own happiness again, that would be enough. But add to that the fact that I think that I am a good catch. That I think that most women would be lucky to have someone like me. I think that I am a very good man and father. I was not the best of husbands, but I was definitely not the worst. If anything, I expected the level of love and committment that I had, from my wife. She expected the same, however her level of these was far lower than mine, therefor she couldn't see that I loved her as much as I did.

Love your children and move on. You can kill yourself in the limbo of divorce because the slight chance of change is always there. I have found that with each day closer that the divorce comes, I am more and more capable of looking around and seeing life again. I have changed so much in the last year it is amazing. I am proud of who I have become, not that I was ashamed of who I was, but I am definitely better in all aspects. I have refound God which has been such a life altering event that I can understand why my life turned out so poorly over the past few years without him. Having him with me has really made a difference. Having the Bible to understand that although my divorce is not desired by either God or me, that he understands that a wife that is an unbeliever, adulteress, and abandoner is not a life of God. He loves her as do I. But as with me, can do nothing for her until she asks for the help and tries to change.

I think that I will always be here if she changes. Perhaps not for reconciliation although circumstances and feelings would dictate that at that time. But I will always love her in my heart and hope that she can find her way out of the hell she has built for herself. These realizations have allowed me to look at my future without her and not feel depressed, frightened, ashamed, or unloved. I do not fear being alone, because I am not afraid of being alone, nor do I feel that I can never love nor be loved again.

I look forward to my future, however it should come to me. I will work to make it mine. I will trust in the Lord to guide me, and I will work to help myself and my family in the process. I will love my children and I will respect my future love. I will do everything in my power to show my ex compassion and understanding in the face of her anger. I will do everything I can to show thoughtfullness and love for her as well. I hope that she is OK. I love her, but will not allow myself to pine over someone that doesn't love me in return. I am loosing my connection with her since all this work of forgiveness has come about.

I think that forgiving is the key. Anger and resentment are the things that require that you love and hurt. Having forgivness allows me to look at her without the intense pain of "Why?" continually coming to the forfront of my mind. I see her as a person with an illness that refuses to be treated. Like a smoker that has had a heart attack and won't stop smoking, because she can't believe that it is the cigarettes that are harming her. You have compassion for the person, but you can't get involved in the self-defeating actions of the person any longer.

I read a ton, and have many more books that I have already bought still to read. I read on forgiveness, love, marriage, divorce, dating, flirting, children, children and divorce, spouses who were children of divorce, etc. etc.. I find that even though I don't believe everything in all the books, they, if nothing, else give me things to think about and utilize in forming my own opinions. This has helped immensely.

Also a big step in moving on is learning how to STOP continually ruminating over what you want to say, what you did say, what you wish had happened, etc. This is very harmful after a while in that you continue to be trapped in the same vein of trying to figure out a different path with the same information. I would find myself going over and over things I wanted to say. I actually had to confront my wife twice in order to deal with some of these things, because I found that I had to tell her I knew so that I could get it out of my mind. I kept fantasizing the confrontation over and over again, until I finally had to do something so that it was not the pressing need anymore.

Learning to stop the thoughts consciously has been a huge boon to my recovery. I no longer feel the overwhelming urge to cry, although if I allow myself to get all spun up with thoughts, I will inevitably get to that point.

I have stated alot about myself in this post. I did it not to hijack the post, but to help you to understand what I have dealt with and how I am handling the issues that you are now facing. I have come to grips with the reality that I will no longer be married to the mother of my children. That in itself might be the hardest thing to overcome, it was for me. But with each realization, I get closer and closer to being able to live a happy life without her.

Thank you Formely Confused for reaching out. Wow, allot to digest and read over. I really appreciate your time. Let me sign off awhile, get our Christmas tree put up with the chldren and respond later this evening. Thank you again. I will post later tonight. Glad someone was out there to offer some advice...
Faith4us

Formerly Confused....I have read your response...and Yes, the realization that no matter what happens...there is no more He and I ....we has husband and wife will be no more...just as you stated....realizing that I will no longer be married to the Father of my children has crushed me. What a horrible pain, I cry over this. It's like grieving a death. I cry over the future that is lost, that can never be....sharing the joy of our sons...watching them grow up together, providing them with a warm, loving home with both parents there 100% of the time, cheering them on, holding them when they hurt, being there for them through it all. I cry over the lose of all the holidays, birthdays, family celebrations that will now be split from one end of our state to the other...having to juggle everything in order for them to see both sets of grandparents during holidays and on their birthdays...I grieve over thier loss of security....knowing that whatever happens, whatever their struggling with...they have parents who are there for them, working together to ensure their well being. Yes, I know that I can still provide a loving home and security for them but let's not kid ourselves...children need BOTH of their parents in their lives fulltime to really provide for them like they shoud be provided for...My children are going to be the real losers here....but with God's mercy and grace and guidance, I pray I can be what they need. I will certainly do my best...to always provide for them a loving home. To loose that dream of having your family together, intact is devastating....My husband certainly proved to be someone I never dreamed he could be....You know their actions not only destroy their family...wife and children but have negative impacts on the extended family as well...his sister has tried to communicate this to him....his siblings always thought that when his parents were no longer with us that all the family gatherings....holidays, birthdays, special get togethers would be at our home....I really enjoy cooking, having family and friends over and know all of their mothers' receipies so....it only made since that we would host those events...so he rob them of that as well....
One thing that I am struggling with ....my oldest son, the 15 year old doesn't want anything to do with H...I believe he has stayed with him for only 3 nights since he left over a year ago and those were early on when he had first moved out and was living in an apartment. Since then, oldest son hasnt seen much of him...only a few hours here and there...he refuses to stay with him especially since he has moved in wtih OW. My son tells me noway is he going to go down there and stay with him. When H came Wednesday to pick up sons to go to his parents house for Thanksgiving....oldest son refused to go...there was a huge argument and H accused me of poisioning sons mind against him....I told H that it was time he took responsibility for his own actions that he needed to work with son on relationship that son was reacting to what he had done...I have nothing to do with it! Grow up and realize that all is not well....the two younger ones have been going with him on a regular basis for over night visits and have stayed with him at his and OW's house. Oldest son tells me ...Mom, I love Dad but I really dont like him....dont want to be around him. But of course H blames me for our sons dislike to him. It doesnt matter what I say to H about the suituation....it always comes back to me...that it is my fault...He cant see that our son knows why he left and what he has done...what he has taken away from us and now H is feeling the resentment. Why do they blame spouse? Guess it is the easy way out. Any suggestions on how to handle this with son and H? I dont know your sons ages but are you dealing with anything like this?
I know what you mean about feeling love and hate for them in a matter of moments....my emotions are all over the place sometimes when I am around him....but I am doing better of late....the pain and anger are still there and I am dealing with it the best I can....sometimes it is hard to find the time to grieve....I have our children all the time other than thier one night visit every other weekend and I dont have time to grieve....I dont want to be crying and breaking down in front of them. I have to stay strong for them. I am a Christian and thank God I was when this started. If I had not been in touch with God - I would not have been able to handle this. You know that there is no other true source of strength for me. I simply cant do it myself....it is Gods mercy that sustains me. I too never feel alone....His peace is what keeps me going. My H is a non-believer as well.....He always thought that my religion was just another "thing" that I put before him....just one more thing for him to compet against for my attention.
Well I havent responded to all of your response but need to get to bed so I can get the children off to school and myself to work..I will comment further tomorrow sometime...Thanks again
Faith4us

My boys are younger, 9 and 5. My oldest is about 12 intellectually though. He is a very emotional boy, and this has hit him hard. I see it at times. I think he really realizes just what he has lost, and is scared that he will only continue to loose. My wife actually had the gall to say that she thought "this wouldn't be a surprise to our children" and "This will be good for the boys." You know, she is the classic of all classic adulteresses.

(As a side, I was in the bookstore over the weekend and picked up Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. I opened it up and started reading a couple pages. The place that I had opened to was how the adulterer tries to justify his/her actions to herself, everyone, and God. It was funny, because it was almost as if she had memorized the quotes out of the book when she was explaining why she had done this. It is actually humerous how UNCLEVER and PREDICTABLE spouses are in this situation. It makes me wonder what she would think if she would ever read one of these books. Anyway, I digress.)

I think that my oldest boy is starting to understand a little about what is going on. I have not told him about the adultery but he asked me to go to her house for Christmas Eve and stay the night. I told him that I couldn't, that it wasn't a good idea. He asked several questions and told me that "I can't be without you." I told him several things, but it is important to me that he knows that this is not my choice. This is his mother's desire that we are divorced. I will be supportive of her, but not to the point of lying.

I always try to pump her up in my children's eyes, so that they will have something that they can go to when they are not with me. I don't lie about her, but I just say things like, "I am so glad that you can go to your mothers to stay for a while." etc.. But I will not have my children grow up thinking that this divorce was a mutual choice or my choice since I am the one that moved out. I refuse to allow them to believe that I shattered their lives. I do not say that she did all this, but when I said 'I never wanted this.' I know that they are smart enough to understand that she is the only one left. But I can't let them think that this was something that I ever wanted. I am their role model, and when they get old enough, and if they ask, I will tell them the truth. I do not want them to think that this is what they have to look forward to, nor that this is how responsible parents act.

I think that if you give your oldest son some time, maybe he will let go a little. I doubt that he will ever come to complete terms with this. But perhaps he will be able to understand and continue to grow himself. You are right, this is the stage that he really needs a man's influence. Because this is the stage at which he learns how to become independent, and what that means as a man rather than a boy. If you have anyone else around such as a brother, friend, etc. I would highly recommend that you attempt to 'put them together' as much a possible. Get your son into Church groups if they are available. Involve him in outings with others, in which he will have a chance to see interaction between men and others. That is a very important part of his needs right now. He needs to have that support and love that he is not getting. He needs that role model in some fashion. See if you can provide or find someone that might be able to intermittantly fill this need. He might allow his father to fill it later in life, but not right now.

I hope that you are able to stand tall. Build yourself up for both you and your boys. This is a test like no other. But it is something that can be overcome. I am here for you. Just let me know. I wish that I could help fill your children's need for a man's influence. That must be the hardest thing. Luckily, I have two boys. I dread thinking about how difficult it would be for me to appropriately raise girls in this situation. I would do my best, but it is much harder for moms and sons; dads and daughters. I am lucky in that fact. But I would love so much to have a daughter. Perhaps with time I still can.

Perhaps with time, you will find a man worthy of you and he will be able to fill this hole that your husband is leaving. For both you and your boys.

Another busy day ...and now a busy evening starting....been giving your reply a little further thought today and realizing more and more that I am certainly not alone in this ordeal...sadly way to many other souls going through the same tragedy that I am working through....It sure is a sad state our society is in....so many out there with no true sense of focus, commitment in their lives...just going through the motions of living/existing and no sense of moral or any other kind of values. You know your statement about your wife being to sick to work on your marriage is so true and I see that most spouses who do what your wife has done and what my husband has done are sick and do need our support and understanding....helps us with our efforts to forgive them if we try to show love instead of anger every time we see them. I to hope one day to find someone who is first and foremost committed to God....there will be some things that are just not negotable and that is one...a set of standards that I will not wavier on for a number of reasons....I know what I need and I wont settle for less....why? So I dont make the same mistakes again...I have been trying to find the life lessons in this experience....You know God is always in control and so that is my peace...knowing that and that if he is in control then I will be alright...I dont have to fear what's ahead of me... We have to proceed with caution with potential dates in the furture...this is one thing I am not looking forward too....re-entering the dating scene...makes me somewhat nervous just thinking about it.....I now have this huge house and no one to help me take care of it....I can always sell this house and move to the country, where I want to be in a small cottage or maybe build that log home I have always wanted....I thought that was what we were going to do when we bought our current house...it's huge, verry expensive to maintain and more than I can handle now that he is gone....so after the dust settles, I am going to put my house on the market and see what comes up. The boys love the country and would love to have a horse or pony...nothing real big just out in the country where they can breathe...My middle son is a verry good artist, verry talented and loves to hunt, fish, camp, shoot guns....actually we all do...I am a pretty good shot myself, like the outdoors and all associated with it...guess I am a Tom Boy....you had stated that it must be tough raising 3 sons...actually it has been allot of fun because we like the same things...

Starting to feel better about myself again. Been having a hard time lately but I can feel myself coming back. I am not taking any type of drugs or anything...not that I think that is wrong or a sign of weakness...I just know that deep in my heart if I give this all to God...trust in him and lean on Jesus my wonderful savior that I will feel his peace and all will be well for me. Sometimes I guess you need a little help to "get over the hump" so to speak but I am doing ok right now....and praying I continue to find my way with each passing day....a small smile today...I am feeling better