OK! I have a question. My ex and I have been divorced since 8/02 and seperated since 7/01. I am still trying to figure out why he won't come and get his kids on his scheduled visitation.

I have asked him this question, and his response was that he pays enough in child support and doesn't have the money to entertain them. HELLO! I didn't know that you needed money to be a parent. I also asked him if his new friend (he has never said there is someone new) doesn't like kids? He didn't have an answer. I told him that I needed a break sometimes. His response to me was that he would think about getting the kids. Haven't heard a word about that at all.

Yes, he calls every now and then. He stops by the house twice a month to drop off the child support because he didn't want it going through the court, but he can't take his kids.

The ExH will not tell where he lives. Only that he lives in a shack at the lake. The court papers say that he has to provide us with an address. What we got was a PO Box. We can only reach him at his work or on his cell. On the weekends, he may or may not answer his cell.

He was suppose to have the kids this thanksgiving. (The odd even year thing). I called and asked him about this. He said he was not going to get the kids. That he plans on getting them for a few hours christmas eve to take to his parents.

The only part of our divorce decree he is obeying is the child support part of it. It drives me batty!

I need some down time. I need to start finding myself again. But right at this moment I am just a mom. A mom trying the best I can to get through the holidays. A mom who has to sit and watch her children fall apart.

My oldest boys are the worst causlities of this divorce. They need there dad more than ever and he is not there for them. ARGHHHHHHHH I could go on and on.

I am just so angry about this whole issue. My daughter says she doesn't want to talk to me about it because she thinks I get upset. I sat her down and told her that what happened between her dad and I has nothing to do with her and I am not upset about that anymore. That what upsets me is that dad has chosen not to spend time with her and the boys, and thats what upsets me. I am not so sure if she understands. Maybe I don't understand either.

OK! I guess this is my vent! Thanks for listening!

Just wanted to let you know that you had a sympathic listener here....sounds like you are carrying a very heavy load. I admire your strength and tenacity, 24/7 parenting is the hardest job on the planet, even if the kids are older. Vent anytime! Sounds like your X is heavy into "Me,myself and I"...Yeah, I've heard that tune more than once <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ....

You are so right about the me-myself-and I thing. He has always been that way. I hope he wakes up real soon and realize what he is missing in his kids. Because one day he will be an old man and he will be asking for their help, and they are going to be like "I don't think so!".

I hope that doesn't happen - but he has made his bed!

As a father I can't fathom not being in my children's lives. I love them so much that I wish that I had your problem. Now I know that it would be difficult so I understand what you are feeling. I also understand the incredible damage that he is doing to his children and his life. But, you cannot control him. What I recommend is finding another single mother, or father for that matter, with children and do a trade sometimes. Schedule days in which you will know that you will have some time for yourself, and make the most of that time.

I wish that you didn't have to deal with this sort of thing. I simply cannot believe that some people can let their family go. He might be so ashamed of what he has done that he simply cannot bear to be with his children. He might figure that you are much better for them, and that he would only be a detriment to them. Maybe this is the tack that you should attend to.

Think about how he is acting. Is he acting ashamed? Not that he can't be self indulgent and still ashamed. Does he act 'afraid' of his children so to speak? He might never have been much of a caretaker, and therefor cannot feel comfortable being the sole person responsible for their needs, even for a short while. Maybe he is ashamed of his house. Or maybe he is just and idiot that doesn't deserve to have his children anyway.

What ever the issue, there are ways that you might try addressing it differently and see if anything changes. Maybe he relied on you so much for care of your children that he feels inept. Give him a little pump up and maybe tell him that the kids would love to have pizza with him some afternoon. There is a Pizza shop just down the street and it should only cost $20 and a hour of his time. Don't come at him attacking or telling him that it is his responsibility, but do it gingerly and softly. Having 'set up' the entire thing. Maybe even getting the reservation for him.

I know that this might 'stick in your craw' depending upon the circumstances of your divorce, however, do it for you and do it for your kids. We all have to sacrifice over and over again after separation and divorce. And just because the ex doesn't do their part, doesn't mean that part doesn't still need to be done. We have to come up with alternative ways of handling things. I know that things 'should' happen because they are right and good. But sometimes, we have to cajole and caress things into happening. Slowly at first, adding more and more as time passes.

Your children will need their father, probably regardless of the circumstances of your divorce. I think that you recognize this, however, cannot 'get it done' with him not doing his part. But understand, look at him. You have been married for a long time. Think about who you are dealing with and how things were when you were married. I am sure that over the course of your marriage, you found ways to get things from him. Try some of those things. For yourself and your children. Sometimes people just need a little push, and even though you might want to make his over a cliff, try to find an alternative, even if it hurts. Shoot, offer to pay for the pizza. Go buy a coupon, then say you got it in the mail. Anything to get your ex working with his children. It WILL pay off, even if not now. If you can help him to see he can do it, and he will not have to give up 'TOO MCUH', then maybe he will do it.

I don't know. But I do know that your sanity and the health of your children deserve every trick in the book. So "Take one for the team" so to speak. Swallow your pride. Swallow your remarks. Set something up for him to do, take out every reason that he could have for not doing it, finances, time, etc. It is worth a try. For your children and for you.

Had to jump in and say - #1 good advice as always from FC and - #2, I was glad to see a post from you FC, I was concerned about you after your post at Thanksgiving.